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Tom Swifties revisited

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December 23, 2016, 04:13
haberdasher
Tom Swifties revisited
"I can't find my equipment, so I can't do my knitting," said Tom needlessly.
December 23, 2016, 05:50
Geoff
"I can't read this tabula rasa," said Tom blankly.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Geoff,
December 23, 2016, 11:48
<Proofreader>
quote:
"I can't find my equipment, so I can't do my knitting," said Tom needlessly.

"Sore hands prevent me from manipulating my bread dough," said Tom, needlessly.
December 23, 2016, 16:45
haberdasher
quote:
"Sore hands prevent me from manipulating my bread dough," said Tom, needlessly."
That, too.


"I have to do three sets of those movements, ten times in each set," was Tom's reply.
December 23, 2016, 16:48
haberdasher
"I'll scratch where I itch, and Devil take the consequences!" said Tom rashly.
December 24, 2016, 04:37
Geoff
As Ogden Nash wrote,

"There was a young belle of old Natchez
Who ripped all her garmets to patchez
When comment arose
On the state of her clothes
She drawled, when Ah itches, Ah scratchez!"

"Belle, scratch Mah itch!" Tom ejaculated
December 31, 2016, 16:06
<Proofreader>
"Damn crustaceans are biting my toes," said Tom, crabbily.

"My pants just split," said Tom, unseemly.

"This is excellent Chinese soup," said Tm, wantonly.
December 31, 2016, 17:13
Geoff
"Shall I lick off that ketchup that you spilled down your dress," Tom said saucily.
January 01, 2017, 10:23
haberdasher
"I have the feeling that young scoundrel deceived me," Tom implied.

"...and I don't suppose it was for any legitimate purpose, either," he insinuated.
January 01, 2017, 18:07
Geoff
"Watch me flex," Tom insinewated.

PS: Kudos, Hab - a double pun with "implied!"

"This coat is lovely, but where's the cat?" Tom's wife inferred.
January 01, 2017, 18:10
<Proofreader>
Not a Swifty but I wonder, if someone seeks to have sex with a bicycle, does that make him a pedalphile? Or must it be a very new bike with training wheels?
January 02, 2017, 05:31
haberdasher
quote:
"This coat is lovely, but where's the cat?" Tom's wife inferred.

A propos of double-puns - consider

"Ah, I see you've been out hunting for mink," Tom's wife inferred.
January 02, 2017, 13:51
Geoff
"He's over his head in manure," Tom's wife said, as he was interred.
January 02, 2017, 17:08
<Proofreader>
"Two plus two does equal four!" said Tom, positively.
January 03, 2017, 09:10
Geoff
"Hand me the lye," Tom said caustically. (Tom was a base fellow, y'see)
January 03, 2017, 11:58
haberdasher
quote:
"Two plus two does equal four!" said Tom, positively.


Should be in World's Worst Joke, maybe:

Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street.
One says "My goodness, I've lost an electron!"
"Are you positive?" asks the other.
January 03, 2017, 15:02
Geoff
I got a charge out of it! Of course, if he'd been a boy with a great voice in a medieval church choir, he'd end up as a neutrino.
January 06, 2017, 09:18
haberdasher
Not to be confused with... (see World's Worst etc...)
September 03, 2017, 15:44
<Proofreader>
"I use a lumberjack's birth control." said Tom, logarithmically.
September 03, 2017, 16:08
Geoff
"I'm tired of getting up to urinate five times a night, "said Tom peevishly.
September 03, 2017, 17:15
haberdasher
"You can buy all the salmon and mackerel you like, but I'm going to charge you twice the price, 'cause I've the only market in town!" said the shopkeeper selfishly.
September 05, 2017, 04:58
Geoff
quote:
Originally posted by haberdasher:
...selfishly.
Big Grin Big Grin Big Grin
September 05, 2017, 06:36
haberdasher
Venial at worst:

"I heard tell you used to enjoy beef on Fridays, Father Xavier," he insinuated.
September 06, 2017, 07:47
Geoff
"Rotten SOB or not, we've still got to use the defibrillator on this politician," Dr Tom said repulsively.
November 05, 2017, 09:48
haberdasher
"He'd had a heart attack, and I thought it was appropriate to leave the aircraft and take him to a hospital," Tom explained patiently.

(And if it had been his own illness it would have been impatiently...)
November 06, 2017, 13:28
<Proofreader>
"This rodent stuck in my aura organ makes it hard to hear," said Tom, erratically.
November 06, 2017, 14:08
haberdasher
"I won with my last lottery ticket, and I'm not anxious to tempt fate again!" said Tom reluctantly...
January 22, 2018, 19:01
<Proofreader>
"I've always been a breast man," Tom said, boobishly.
January 23, 2018, 06:07
Geoff
I really detest golden showers, Tom said peevishly.
January 23, 2018, 10:35
haberdasher
"I'm doing online research about how to bowl a tricky cricket ball," said Tom googly.
January 23, 2018, 12:04
<Proofreader>
"The bark from redwoods can cure many ailments and wounds," said Tom, tremendously.
January 23, 2018, 13:37
haberdasher
"The obstetrician said we apparently had twins!" said Tom.
January 23, 2018, 18:12
<Proofreader>
quote:
"The obstetrician said we apparently had twins!" said Tom.
That's it?
January 23, 2018, 19:02
haberdasher
Apparently.
January 24, 2018, 16:20
Geoff
Jim 'n I had twins.
January 24, 2018, 19:07
<Proofreader>
Swifties need an adverb ending, in most cases/.
January 25, 2018, 13:35
Geoff
That was just a pun. Gemini/ Jim 'n I Even I know what a Thomas cum celeritas is
January 25, 2018, 18:35
<Proofreader>
quote:
That was just a pun. Gemini/ Jim 'n I Even I know what a Thomas cum celeritas is


I was referring to Hab's
January 26, 2018, 06:51
haberdasher
You're right. Generally. This one was internal. I was trying to THBOXINK. Or at least expand it.
January 26, 2018, 07:03
haberdasher
How about

Apparently, Tom said "The obstetrician told us we had twins!"

instead?
January 26, 2018, 11:57
Geoff
If brevity is the soul of wit, your single word is perfect.
February 15, 2018, 08:08
haberdasher
Apparently, Tom said "The obstetrician told us we had twins!"

It's even worse than I thought - I just, after all this time, saw the "pair" in "apparently." And I'm the one who wrote it in the fist place.
February 15, 2018, 11:58
<Proofreader>
"We need Venetian curtains," said Tom, blindly.
February 16, 2018, 11:03
Geoff
"Let's make America great again and buy a US-made assault weapon," Trump said, coltishly.

( Colt, of Hartford, Connecticut, makes the AR 15 used in the two last mass murders)
February 16, 2018, 18:15
<Proofreader>
"I must never mention "guns" while discussing school shootings," said Trump, automatically.
March 15, 2018, 08:56
bethree5
Comic Caesar got punched in mouth, said Tom incidentally.
March 17, 2018, 20:30
bethree5
"Phone the midwife!" cried Tom hysterically.

"I wear tightie-whities," Tom advised briefly.

"Excuse me," muttered Tom astutely.

"Lemme at those Panzers," shouted Tom cantankerously.

"Poetry sucks," said Tom conversationally.

"Put the recyclables out early," asvised Tom cannily.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: bethree5,
March 18, 2018, 05:33
<Proofreader>
quote:
"Poetry sucks," said Tom conversationally.

"I believe I have a poem to suit your needs," said Tom, perversely.

"Excuse me," muttered Tom astutely.
CLASSIC!
March 19, 2018, 16:15
Geoff
It's a flatulent leprechaun Tom said gastrognomically.

"The obnoxious electrician shocked me again," Tom said, repulsively.
March 22, 2018, 13:03
<Proofreader>
"It appears your water broke," said Tom, laboriously.