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Picture of BobHale
posted
In the chat we discussed posting our work for comment.
I said that most of my "real poetry" was "modern" and didn't rhyme. In the true spirit of pervesity, here's one that rhymes.
It was written one morning sitting on a beach in Oludeniz.


Dragons

Above the sea two dragons fight
Their wings ablaze with morning light
They swoop they dive, they turn and soar
Two titans in balletic war.

Red, about to win the day
Without warning falls away
And Blue, quick with Angelic grace
Dips sharply down to give the chase.

Skimming on the waves they come
Towards the shore they're driven on.
Together as they reach the sand
In silent symmetry they land.

And the men who took them to the sky
Shed their wings - the dragons die.
Become only silk upon a frame
Their dragon fight a human game.

Bob Hale,2002

Vescere bracis meis.

Read all about my travels around the world here.
 
Posts: 9421 | Location: EnglandReply With QuoteReport This Post
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Picture of jerry thomas
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I took the liberty to make some recommended changes in your poem, Bob, and zapped it to you in a private message.

Thank you for introducing me to Oludeniz! I never heard of it before, and it looks extremely attractive.

~~~ jerry
 
Posts: 6708 | Location: Kehena Beach, Hawaii, U.S.A.Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Picture of Kalleh
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Bob, I loved your poem. When I read it, I could actually envision the dragons swooping...see the colors...it was magical. Thanks for sharing it.

While I can understand Jerry not wanting to post his suggestions, I would love to see what he had to say. Jerry, thanks for that link because I, too, had not heard of Oludeniz.
 
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Picture of jerry thomas
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quote:
While I can understand Jerry not wanting to post his suggestions, I would love to see what he had to say.


Dear Bob,

Kalleh's wish is my urgent command
We do hope that you'll understand
You requested comments
On your dragon events
And "Post Now" is here close at hand.

edited poem

Above the sea two dragons fight
Their wings ablaze with morning light
They swoop they dive, they turn and soar
Two titans in balletic war.

Red, about to win the day
Surrenders; slipping, falls away
And Blue, quick with Angelic grace
Dips deftly downward, giving chase.

Skimming over waves they sail
Shoreward, driven by the gale.
Together as they reach the sand
In silent symmetry they land.

As men who took them to the sky
Shed their wings - the dragons die.
They're simply silk sewn on a frame
This dragon fight's a human game.

[modified, for your approval, by ~~~ jerry]
 
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.

[This message was edited by TrossL on Thu Jun 5th, 2003 at 7:38.]
 
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Picture of jerry thomas
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You're right again, TrossL.

I surrender.

The grossest of my gross errors is that I thought they were not kites, but hang gliders, for which OLUDENIZ is famous.

Another error seems to have been my assumption that the poet was seeking suggestions.

I surrender.

The queen has spoken.

~~~ jerry
 
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[This message was edited by TrossL on Thu Jun 5th, 2003 at 7:38.]
 
Posts: 784 | Location: Atlanta, GAReply With QuoteReport This Post
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Picture of BobHale
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quote:
Originally posted by jerry thomas:
You're right again, TrossL.

I surrender.

The grossest of my gross errors is that I thought they were not kites, but hang gliders, for which http://www.senkrontours.com/paraglide_oludeniz.asp is famous.

Another error seems to have been my assumption that the poet was seeking suggestions.

I surrender.

The queen has spoken.

~~~ jerry


The poet was.

And they were hang-gliders.

Any and all critique is welcome Jerry so don't feel that your suggestions are unappreciated. Now personally I also like my original better but I have a feeling that this might be bacause my phrasing sounds more natural to an English ear.
In the last verse I chose to use "Becomes" to emphasise the transformation aspect from mythical dragon to mundane artifact and the last line then is more or less forced to run on as a transformation from dragonfight to human game.

I did appreciate the suggestions though and would appreciate any others that you, or others have to make.

Vescere bracis meis.

Read all about my travels around the world here.
 
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Bob, your poem is Outstanding.

Changing the original might be seen as carrying coal to Newcastle, or carrying water to the river, or ...... as Shakespeare wrote,

To gild refinéd gold, to paint the lily,
To throw a perfume on the violet,
To smooth the ice, or add another hue
Onto the rainbow, or with taper-light
To seek the beauteous eye of heaven to garnish,
Is wasteful and ridiculous excess.


[King John, Act 4, scene 2]

Thanks again for widening my horizons.

~~~ jerry
 
Posts: 6708 | Location: Kehena Beach, Hawaii, U.S.A.Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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But it's really hard to quit.

This is the best offer I've had all week !!

Quoth the queen:

quote:
"If you don't stop baiting me I'm going to hop [on] a plane to Hawaii and pop you in the nose! "


No sooner said than
 
Posts: 6708 | Location: Kehena Beach, Hawaii, U.S.A.Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Comments are cordially invited.

Sitting alone in Hawaii, looking eastward to the sea, the following occurred to me

Out of the woods
Out of the blue
Out of the rain
Out of the dew

Out of sight
Out of sound
Out of synch
Out of bounds

Out of garbage
Out of trash
Out of verbiage
Out of cash

Out of control
Out of time
Out of step
Out of rhyme

Out of cilantro
Out of thyme
Out of lemon
Out of lime

Out of cousins
Out of uncles
Out of parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
Out of Simons & Garfunkels

Out of the future
Out of the past
Out of the present
Out of the cast

Out of my country
Outrage tumescent
Out of humanity
Star, Cross, & Crescent

Out of India
Out of Outback
Out of Korea
Out of Iraq

Out of the story
Out of the plot
Out with the truth
Out, out, damned spot!

Out of Limericks
Out of fractals
Out of puns
Out of dactyls


Out of place
Out of focus
Out of double-

dactylosis

Out of money
Out of food
Out of this
subjunctive mood

Out of vodka
Out of beer
Out of pot
Out of here

Out of print
Out of sorts
Out of boredom
Outdoor sports

Out of the east
Out of the west
Out with the least
Out with the best

Out of commision
Out of date
Out of omission
Out too late

Out of the windward
Out of the lee
Out of kindness
Out of curiosity

Out of sight
Out of mind
Out of .....
Oh, never mind.
 
Posts: 6708 | Location: Kehena Beach, Hawaii, U.S.A.Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Picture of BobHale
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I rather like this poem for its "stream of consciousness" feel. I think (and I hope you'll agree) that you could possibly tighten it up a little with some slight revision - nothing very major though.
This kind of poetry stands or falls on two things - the rhythmic structure when recited and the juxtapositions of images. On the whole this stands pretty well in both areas. Some specific comments follow. None of it's meant to be especially critical (it's years since I wrote any Eng.Lit. criticisms at school and we were always encouraged to be overly critical of the works we were picking apart.)

quote:
Originally posted by jerry thomas:

Out of the woods
Out of the blue
Out of the rain
Out of the dew

Out of sight
Out of sound
Out of synch
Out of bounds

good strong start, sets the rhythm and the style. I'd have gone for mind rather than sync as it seems to fit slightly better.

Out of garbage
Out of trash
Out of verbiage
Out of cash

wasn't too sure about this verse, nice rhyme but the use of synonyms garbage/trash didn't work for me

Out of control
Out of time
Out of step
Out of rhyme

I'd have gone for rhythm rather than step but that's just me.

Out of cilantro
Out of thyme
Out of lemon
Out of lime

Out of cousins
Out of uncles
Out of parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
Out of Simons & Garfunkels

a bold attempt to stretch the structure which only falls down because it's too hard to say without stumbling. Maybe

Out of aunties
Out of uncles
Out of Simons
And Garfunkels
would have worked better


Out of the future
Out of the past
Out of the present
Out of the cast

Out of my country
Outrage tumescent
Out of humanity
Star, Cross, & Crescent

outstanding - is the phrase "Star Cross and Crescent original or a quote ? - either way, excellent

Out of India
Out of Outback
Out of Korea
Out of Iraq

could have avoided the stumbling block of Out of Outback by using
Out of defence
Out of attack
for the first two lines


Out of the story
Out of the plot
Out with the truth
Out, out, damned spot!

Not a comment on your poem but I can never see the words "out, out, damned spot" without a mental picture of of the devil dragging his mongrel dog to the door and crying "Out, out, Damned Spot!"

Out of Limericks
Out of fractals
Out of puns
Out of dactyls

10/10 for the rhyme - it would have been so much nicer if a fractal were a type of poem rather than a mathematical construction

Out of place
Out of focus
Out of double-
dactylosis

Out of money
Out of food
Out of this
subjunctive mood

Out of vodka
Out of beer
Out of pot
Out of here

Out of print
Out of sorts
Out of boredom
Outdoor sports

Out of the east
Out of the west
Out with the least
Out with the best

Out of commision
Out of date
Out of omission
Out too late

Out of the windward
Out of the lee
Out of kindness
Out of curiosity

Out of sight
Out of mind
Out of .....
Oh, never mind.

Nice ending, managed the trick of ending the poem rather than just stopping which too many of these things do. Loses half a mark for rhyming "mind" with...er..."mind" but that's pretty trivial.




All in all a clever piece of work.

Vescere bracis meis.

Read all about my travels around the world here.
 
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Picture of Hic et ubique
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Rather reminds me of something by Thomas Hood.

No sun — no moon!
No morn — no noon!
No dawn — no dusk — no proper time of day —
No sky — no earthly view —
No distance looking blue —
No road — no street — no t'other side the way —
No end to any Row —
No indications where the Crescents go —
No top to any steeple —
No recognitions of familiar people —
No courtesies for showing 'em —
No knowing 'em!
No traveling at all — no locomotion —
No inkling of the way — no notion —
"No go" by land or ocean —
No mail — no post —
No news from any foreign coast —
No Park, no Ring, no afternoon gentility —
No company — no nobility —
No warmth, no cheerfulness, no healthful ease,
No comfortable feel in any member —
No shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees,
No fruits, no flowers, no leaves, no birds —
November!
 
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Picture of jerry thomas
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No no no November ...... might generate ...


...... Yes yes yes yesterday

....... May may may maybe
 
Posts: 6708 | Location: Kehena Beach, Hawaii, U.S.A.Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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OK, here's one I wrote to pay tribute to one of my favorite poetic features. Please pick it apart!


alliterative alliance


alliteration always amuses in
sounding out situations
pinpointing prey and
mutually-minded mates

attentive adulation
affectionate adoration for the
astrally aswoon and
ardently amorous
keenly committed to
digital devotion

splendiferous spontaneity in
wizened wit
grand gregariousness
sharpened smarts
incisive intelligence
monolithic mirth
glandular glee and
high-minded hysterics for our

dynamic didactic duo
terrific teaching twosome
perfect perceptive pupils
awesome academic achievers
long-headed loving learners who
share studious sessions and
diligent ditherings

savvy salacious smart-alecks they be
rambunctious reading rompers
witty wistful whizzes and
voracious visionary virtuals

perspicacious perambulatory perpetrators in partnership
totally top-flight titillating titans
acclaimed accommodating accomplished accolytes in accord

she subliminally shivers in his
enthusiastic embrace and
humongous hugs while he
caressingly cares and
feelingly fondles this
undoubtedly unfathomably understandably
virtual vixen

clamorous click
jubilant junction
fortuitous fusion for those who
unequivocally ululate
copiously copulate
amazingly amalgamate and
joyously join

fuelled fired up firmed and forthcoming are these
wonderful winners
writing wreath-bearers
wild Web wayfarers
in intercontinental intercourse
and alliterative alliance
 
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