A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big
Everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin ."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30
customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101, 237.65?!!!? What the heck d id you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold
him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then
I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked h im where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need
a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin
engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so
I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that
4x4 Expedition"
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you
sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his
wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go
fishing."

I don't normally read or contribute to this thread but this, heard on the radio this morning, made me gruckle (that's my own Humpty-Dumpty word gruckle=groan+chuckle).

Caeser walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a Martinus".
The barman says "Don't you mean 'Martini'?"
And Caeser answers "If I wanted a double, I'd ask for one!"

A mother is driving a little girl to her
friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are
you?"


"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady
her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are
personal questions and are really none of your
business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two
friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her,"
the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do
is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her
mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did
you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I
know why you and daddy got a divorce."

" Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

quote:

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

Are people's weights recorded on US drivers' licences? And do you need to get them reissued if you put on weight or lose it?

Yes, Richard, weight is listed, but it's not required that we update except when we renew the license. Since this is a joke thread, the listed weight IS usually a joke!

quote:

"Because you got an F in sex."

I assume her dad got an M, which presumably is a much lower grade.

A maid wanted a pay increase.
The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Mary, why do you want an increase?"

Mary: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."

Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Mary: "The Master said so."

Madam: "Oh, I see..."

Mary: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Mary: "The Master did."

Madam: "Oh really...!"

Mary: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Madam (really furious now): "Did the Master say so as well?"

Mary: "No Madam, the gardener did."

That's great, Asa! How did this thread get named "World's WORST jokes" anyway? These are great.

quote:

Since this is a joke thread, the listed weight IS usually a joke!

I remember a professor once talking about reliability of research tools. She told the class to pull out their driver's licenses...and then she asked how reliable their listed weight was. Dead silence. She made her point. (This was a nursing class with mostly women, and I think women tend to lie about their weight more than men.)

ARE YOU GAY?

An employee for USAir, who happened to have the last name of GAY, got on a plane recently using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs. However, when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a paying passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat.

Unknown to Mr. Gay, another USAir flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this other flight were being rerouted to various airplanes. A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped".

Airline officials, armed with a list of these "freebee" ticket holders boarded the plane to remove the free ticket holders. Of course, our Mr. Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember.

So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr. Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer "Are you Gay?". The man, shyly nodded that he was, at which point she demanded: "Then you have to get off the plane".

Our Mr. Gay, overhearing what the Ticket Agent had said, tried to clear up the situation: "You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay!". This caused an angry third passenger to yell "Hell, I'm gay too! They can't kick us all off!" Confusion reigned as more and more passengers began yelling that USAir had no right to remove gays from their flights.

As far as I know, they are still on the tarmac fighting it out. ;-)

Realizing that I am as gullible as a 6-month old, I still must ask...did that really happen? Hilarious!

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Jim, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

'Wow Jim, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the UPS man comments.

Jim, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.

We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.'

'Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The UPS man laughs and says, 'Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Jim responded. 'Your name came up seven times."

This morning on I-84 I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new
Cadillac doing 75 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel,
it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed,
and burned Little Mr. Johnson and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my pants, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers

Hilarious! I am sending that one to both my daughters!

For some reason when somebody makes a stupid driving mistake, even though I think I'm liberated, I will often say, "It must have been a woman driver." I am a bad person!

(BTW is "liberated" the right word now, or is there a new one? It sounds old-fashioned.)

quote:

is "liberated" the right word now, or is there a new one? It sounds old-fashioned

It is. When our daughter was about four she asked "Can boys be doctors?"

A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"

THREE WOMEN,TWO YOUNGER,AND ONE SENIOR,

WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.



SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.

THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.

'THAT WAS MY PAGER ,SHE SAID.

I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.'

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG.

THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED,SHE EXPLAINED,

'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE ,I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH.

NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.

SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID......... ' WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT...

I'M GETTING A FAX ' !!

One of my all-time favorites!

Ok, here is one that is a bit dated. So hop in the way-back machine and go back to the 1992 US election. George Bush (sr), Bill Clinton, and Ross Perot were dukeing it out in a semi three way fight. 'ol Ross came forward with the Idea that they need not spend all of that money and anger but instead, they should hold the office together. The only thing Ross wanted as payment for this "great" idea what to get to call it "perot's troika"

This joke comes to us from the Industrial Engineering Triva Page which was provided to us earlier by BobHale.

A consultant and his wife visited a marriage counselor after fifteen difficult years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the fifteen years they had been married. She went on and on and on about everything: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved.... an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down, as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf."

This message has been edited. Last edited by: jerry thomas,

An animal rights fanatic placed a bomb in a bag of candy and put it in the lunch room at the local primate research facility. A worker spied the bag, looked in, and thought the monkeys would enjoy some of it. He took the bag into the monkey room, then got caled away. The bomb exploded. When workers rushed in, all they found was hundreds or Rhesus Pieces.

Perhaps less distressingly, it could be reported that one of the monkeys spotted the bag and, as is their wont, threw a handful of his droppings at it. The bomb exploded. When workers rushed in, they found hundreds of Rhesus faeces pieces.

Who polices these Rhesus-faeces-pieces releases?

Probably nobody in the UK as Reeces Pieces are not generally sold here.

That's a travesty, they are one of the true delights of the world.

OK, enough of exploding monkeys...

A blonde and her husband are awake at 3:00am due to the neighbour's dog's incessant barking. The blonde gets up, puts on her slippers, and goes outside. The barking stops momentarily, but when she returns, it continues, louder than ever. The husband asks what she was doing outside and she replies, I put their dog in our yard - let's see how THEY like it!