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World's WORST jokes (part one) Login/Join
 
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A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger-printed, and photographed, and then placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"


Give a man a fish and he can eat for one day; give a man a fishing pole and he will find an excuse to never work again.
Nollidj is power.
 
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A sweet young thing decided to join a convent. The Mother Superior questioned her to determine if she was suitablr for the calling. After a rigorous examination, the nun said, "One last question, but it's very important. Are you a virgin?"

"Of course I am. No male has ever touched my body."

"That is very good to hear that you've avoided the sins of the world"

"Excuse me, Mother, but do cucumbers count?"


Give a man a fish and he can eat for one day; give a man a fishing pole and he will find an excuse to never work again.
Nollidj is power.
 
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Out for a night on the town, a Scot picked up a young lady. They went to her apartmeet where the engaged in mutual sexual activities.

At evening's end, the Scot removed his rubber and carefully folded it, then placed it in his wallet.

Astonished, the girl sad, "I've heard you Scots were frugal but saving a used condom?"

"Ah, lass. 'Tis not for me. It belongs to the club."


Give a man a fish and he can eat for one day; give a man a fishing pole and he will find an excuse to never work again.
Nollidj is power.
 
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A priest runs into a room at the Vatican. "Your Holiness! Good news and bad news."

"What," asked the pope,"is the good news?"

"Jesus has come back to Earth!"

"That's wonderful news. What's the bad news?"

"He's in Salt Lake City."


Give a man a fish and he can eat for one day; give a man a fishing pole and he will find an excuse to never work again.
Nollidj is power.
 
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No sweat. He's there to warm up for the big house cleaning.
 
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When JC eventually reached Rome, the same priest ran into the Vatican and yelled, "Look busy! Here comes the boss!"


Give a man a fish and he can eat for one day; give a man a fishing pole and he will find an excuse to never work again.
Nollidj is power.
 
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A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."

The German surgeon replies; “In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took a beating heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he started a new job."

The American doctor sighs, saying; "You are all still behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no backbone and he got a job overnight, as our President."
 
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In the jungle of India, two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."


Give a man a fish and he can eat for one day; give a man a fishing pole and he will find an excuse to never work again.
Nollidj is power.
 
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A turtle teetered on a branch twenty feet up a tree. The turtle slipped off and plummeted to earth. Luckily his shell saved him from injury, so he shook himself off and slowly, arduously climbed back up to the limb.

Once he was on the limb, the turtle crawled out and once more fell to the ground. He shook himself off and began his slow climb back.

As he climbed, two birds were watching One bird said to the other, "Don't you think it's time to tell him he's adopted?"


Give a man a fish and he can eat for one day; give a man a fishing pole and he will find an excuse to never work again.
Nollidj is power.
 
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The Air Force is recalling a new shipment of parachutes. Seems they only open on impact.


Give a man a fish and he can eat for one day; give a man a fishing pole and he will find an excuse to never work again.
Nollidj is power.
 
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A man had a physical and was presented with a bill as he left. He looked at the total and said to the nurse, "Why is this bill so high? The doctor barely examined me but he wants $00."

The nurse said, "If you want the deluxe exam, go in there and lie down.

The man got up on the table and the nurse came in with a dog that sniffed all over his body. She left and returned with a kitten which she moved over his entire body. She told the patient to dress ad get the bill.

The man looked at the new bill and found it was for $1000. "Why is it so high?"

"We added on $250 each for the cat scan and the lab test."


Give a man a fish and he can eat for one day; give a man a fishing pole and he will find an excuse to never work again.
Nollidj is power.
 
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Funny! Big Grin
 
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Buddy Hackett told a funny one (which may be due to his inimitable delivery).

Sam and Sophie decided to divorce amicably. They went before the judge and said they wanted to evenly divide what they had. The judge made the settlement as they wished but he said, "There is one problem You have three children. I must give one of you two and the other one since I cant split a child.

"What I propose is you wait a year ad conceive another child so you each get two."

They thought about it but Sam said, "What happens if you have twins?"

Sadie scoffed,"You a twin-maker? If we waited for you, we wouldnt have had the first two."


Give a man a fish and he can eat for one day; give a man a fishing pole and he will find an excuse to never work again.
Nollidj is power.
 
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Angela Murkel, Donald Trump, the Pope, and a Boy scout were flying to an event. Suddenly the pilot ran down the aisle saying "The plane is going to crash. We have to jump but there are only three parachutes left. Decide who gets one among yourselves." And he jumped.

Angela said "I'm the leading hope for freedom," and she took a chute and leaped.

Trump said "I'm the world's smartest man" and took a chute and jumped.

The Pope sad to the Scout, "I've lived a long life and I'm in good standing with God, so you take the chute."

The Scout said, "Don't worry, Father. The world's smartest man grabbed my backpack."


Give a man a fish and he can eat for one day; give a man a fishing pole and he will find an excuse to never work again.
Nollidj is power.
 
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