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<Asa Lovejoy>
posted
A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big
Everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin ."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30
customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101, 237.65?!!!? What the heck d id you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold
him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then
I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked h im where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need
a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin
engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so
I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that
4x4 Expedition"
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you
sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his
wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go
fishing."
 
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I don't normally read or contribute to this thread but this, heard on the radio this morning, made me gruckle (that's my own Humpty-Dumpty word gruckle=groan+chuckle).

Caeser walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a Martinus".
The barman says "Don't you mean 'Martini'?"
And Caeser answers "If I wanted a double, I'd ask for one!"
 
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<Asa Lovejoy>
posted
A mother is driving a little girl to her
friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are
you?"


"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady
her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are
personal questions and are really none of your
business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two
friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her,"
the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do
is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her
mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did
you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I
know why you and daddy got a divorce."

" Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."
 
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quote:
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

Are people's weights recorded on US drivers' licences? And do you need to get them reissued if you put on weight or lose it?


Richard English
 
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<Asa Lovejoy>
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Yes, Richard, weight is listed, but it's not required that we update except when we renew the license. Since this is a joke thread, the listed weight IS usually a joke! Wink
 
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quote:
"Because you got an F in sex."

I assume her dad got an M, which presumably is a much lower grade.
Cool


Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
 
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<Asa Lovejoy>
posted
A maid wanted a pay increase.
The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Mary, why do you want an increase?"

Mary: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."

Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Mary: "The Master said so."

Madam: "Oh, I see..."

Mary: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Mary: "The Master did."

Madam: "Oh really...!"

Mary: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Madam (really furious now): "Did the Master say so as well?"

Mary: "No Madam, the gardener did."
 
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That's great, Asa! How did this thread get named "World's WORST jokes" anyway? These are great.
quote:
Since this is a joke thread, the listed weight IS usually a joke!
I remember a professor once talking about reliability of research tools. She told the class to pull out their driver's licenses...and then she asked how reliable their listed weight was. Dead silence. She made her point. (This was a nursing class with mostly women, and I think women tend to lie about their weight more than men.)
 
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ARE YOU GAY?

An employee for USAir, who happened to have the last name of GAY, got on a plane recently using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs. However, when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a paying passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat.

Unknown to Mr. Gay, another USAir flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this other flight were being rerouted to various airplanes. A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped".

Airline officials, armed with a list of these "freebee" ticket holders boarded the plane to remove the free ticket holders. Of course, our Mr. Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember.

So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr. Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer "Are you Gay?". The man, shyly nodded that he was, at which point she demanded: "Then you have to get off the plane".

Our Mr. Gay, overhearing what the Ticket Agent had said, tried to clear up the situation: "You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay!". This caused an angry third passenger to yell "Hell, I'm gay too! They can't kick us all off!" Confusion reigned as more and more passengers began yelling that USAir had no right to remove gays from their flights.

As far as I know, they are still on the tarmac fighting it out. ;-)
 
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Realizing that I am as gullible as a 6-month old, I still must ask...did that really happen? Hilarious! Big Grin
 
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<Asa Lovejoy>
posted
One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Jim, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

'Wow Jim, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the UPS man comments.

Jim, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.

We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.'

'Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The UPS man laughs and says, 'Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Jim responded. 'Your name came up seven times."
 
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<Asa Lovejoy>
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This morning on I-84 I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new
Cadillac doing 75 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel,
it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed,
and burned Little Mr. Johnson and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my pants, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers
 
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Hilarious! I am sending that one to both my daughters!

For some reason when somebody makes a stupid driving mistake, even though I think I'm liberated, I will often say, "It must have been a woman driver." I am a bad person!

(BTW is "liberated" the right word now, or is there a new one? It sounds old-fashioned.)
 
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quote:
is "liberated" the right word now, or is there a new one? It sounds old-fashioned

It is. When our daughter was about four she asked "Can boys be doctors?"
 
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A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"
 
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<Asa Lovejoy>
posted
THREE WOMEN,TWO YOUNGER,AND ONE SENIOR,

WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.



SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.

THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.

'THAT WAS MY PAGER ,SHE SAID.

I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.'

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG.

THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED,SHE EXPLAINED,

'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE ,I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH.

NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.

SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID......... ' WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT...

I'M GETTING A FAX ' !!
 
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One of my all-time favorites!
 
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Ok, here is one that is a bit dated. So hop in the way-back machine and go back to the 1992 US election. George Bush (sr), Bill Clinton, and Ross Perot were dukeing it out in a semi three way fight. 'ol Ross came forward with the Idea that they need not spend all of that money and anger but instead, they should hold the office together. The only thing Ross wanted as payment for this "great" idea what to get to call it "perot's troika"
 
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This joke comes to us from the Industrial Engineering Triva Page which was provided to us earlier by BobHale.

A consultant and his wife visited a marriage counselor after fifteen difficult years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the fifteen years they had been married. She went on and on and on about everything: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved.... an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down, as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf."

This message has been edited. Last edited by: jerry thomas,
 
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<Asa Lovejoy>
posted
An animal rights fanatic placed a bomb in a bag of candy and put it in the lunch room at the local primate research facility. A worker spied the bag, looked in, and thought the monkeys would enjoy some of it. He took the bag into the monkey room, then got caled away. The bomb exploded. When workers rushed in, all they found was hundreds or Rhesus Pieces.
 
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Perhaps less distressingly, it could be reported that one of the monkeys spotted the bag and, as is their wont, threw a handful of his droppings at it. The bomb exploded. When workers rushed in, they found hundreds of Rhesus faeces pieces.


Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
 
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Who polices these Rhesus-faeces-pieces releases?
 
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Probably nobody in the UK as Reeces Pieces are not generally sold here.


Richard English
 
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That's a travesty, they are one of the true delights of the world.
 
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<Asa Lovejoy>
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OK, enough of exploding monkeys...

A blonde and her husband are awake at 3:00am due to the neighbour's dog's incessant barking. The blonde gets up, puts on her slippers, and goes outside. The barking stops momentarily, but when she returns, it continues, louder than ever. The husband asks what she was doing outside and she replies, I put their dog in our yard - let's see how THEY like it!
 
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quote:
That's a travesty, they are one of the true delights of the world.

I thought they were sweets, not a comedy characterized by broad satire and improbable situations Wink


Richard English
 
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quote:
Originally posted by Richard English:
Probably nobody in the UK as Reeces Pieces are not generally sold here.


That explains why I had absolutely no idea of what this joke was about.
Didn't want to show my ignorance, though.
 
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<Asa Lovejoy>
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Alas, I ought not go monkeying around with British Humour. Frown
 
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The British are generally ignorant of Reeces Pieces. The Americans don't know what Barbour is. We are all guilty of this kind of ignorance.


Richard English
 
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Ah...there's that naughty word "ignorance" again. These are cultural differences.
 
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quote:
Ah...there's that naughty word "ignorance" again. These are cultural differences.

You can call it a naughty word - but it means "lack of knowledge". And Americans don't know about Barbour just as we don't know about Reeces Pieces. That is a fact. The REASONS why we don't know these things might be cultural - but that's a different discussion.


Richard English
 
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While I don't intend to bring this discussion forward again, the word "ignorance" has negative implications. As we've said before, it's like writing that you and some of your gay friends (meaning "happy" of course) went to drink some cask beers.
 
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quote:
While I don't intend to bring this discussion forward again, the word "ignorance" has negative implications.

In many circles, I agree; in this collection of persons with a better than average grasp of the English language I would like to think that it would be properly understood.

The sentence could be written in another way (what sentence can't?) but it is clear, concise and unambiguous as it stands.


Richard English
 
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quote:
but it is clear, concise and unambiguous as it stands.
Yes, to those of us here who know what you mean when you use the word ignorant; I do agree with that.
 
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A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?" He said, "Washington, D.C." On being asked what the "D.C." stood for, the pupil proudly replied. "Dot com."
 
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A cannibal was walking through the Amazon jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

+ Tourist: $5

+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+ Fried Explorer: $15.00

+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politicians?"

The reply: "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all morning."
 
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Blonde: "Are you still working for that magazine?"
Friend: "Yes, I'm writing a piece on drink-driving at the moment."
Blonde: "Fascinating ... Are you for or against it?"


Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
 
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<Asa Lovejoy>
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This isn't even a joke - or not intentional: Headline in The Portland Oregonian, or 30 January: "Mental illness classes to last twelve weeks" They're teaching people to be crazy in just three months? Roll Eyes
 
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"You need another piece of tail," she shouted from the kitchen window to her husband who was unsuccessfully trying to fly a kite that kept crashing.

"Make up your mind," he replied. "When I tried to get that you told me to go fly a kite."
 
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Of course, we tend not to use the "piece of tail" slang so much in UK English. Here's my offering for a similar scenario using UK English;

Wife to husband who is applying himself to the job of inflating his bicycle's front tyre.

"You'll have to get it harder than that or you'll never get anywhere!"

To which he replied,

"Just now, when it WAS hard you said, 'On yer bike, you' - so that's what I'm doing as I wasn't getting anywhere then!"


Richard English
 
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On her 70th birthday, an old spinster decides it's time to finally get married. Since she has no hot prospects, she decides to run this ad in the local newspaper:

" Seventy-year young virgin seeks husband. Must be in same age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and MUST still be good in bed. Apply in person"

The next day, her doorbell rings, and when she opens the door, much to her dismay is a gray haired man in a wheelchair, and he has no arms or legs.

She asks the man, "Do you really expect me to choose you? You don't even have any arms or legs!" The old man replies, "Well, I don't have arms, so how could I beat you?" The woman agrees, and asks him to proceed. "I don't have any legs, so how could I run around on you? Again, she agrees, and replies, "But how could you, without any arms or legs, possibly be good in bed?"

The man smiles and says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I!"
 
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Funny, Michael. Big Grin And where have you been anyway? We've missed you!
 
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Trying to convince young lady of independent means it would be a nice idea to live with a gentleman of independent means.
Namely, me.

Young lady too independent.
 
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Well, tell her to log into Wordcraft. We'll change her mind! Wink
 
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<Asa Lovejoy>
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Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,
and, when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me.
It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago,
he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars,
cruise around and bullshit with his buddies,
while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me,
and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman!
You don't need him anymore!
You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one.
 
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If she comes here, at least she might find out what independent means.
 
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In the interests of equal time, here's a story from My Buddy Bill by Rick Cleveland.

Once, when Bill was President, he and Hillary were back visiting the town where she grew up (in Illinois, I think). She ran into her old high school boyfriend, who was now the manager of a gas station. As they were driving away in Limo One, Bill turns to Hillary and says, "See, if you had married him, you'd be the wife of a gas-station manager." And Hillary replies "No, I'd be the wife of the President of the United States."
 
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<Asa Lovejoy>
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Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they approached Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

"As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, 'Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are . . . very slowly?'

"The blond leaned over the counter and slowly said, 'Burrrr gerrrr Kiiiing.' "
 
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QUESTION
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

ANSWER
None.
It has to
want to
change itself.
 
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