Wordcraft Home Page    Wordcraft Community Home Page    Forums  Hop To Forum Categories  Wordplay    The World's Funniest Joke - II
Page 1 2 3 4 5 
Go
New
Find
Notify
Tools
Reply
  
The World's Funniest Joke - II Login/Join
 
Member
Picture of Kalleh
posted Hide Post
Well, it worked this time, so I assume there was some sort of an online problem when I first tried, bethree. It was funny! Big Grin

A man and his wife were going to celebrate their anniversary in South Beach, Florida. He flew down a day early, checked into the hotel, and found a computer in the room, whereupon he sent his wife an email. However, he mistakenly mis-wrote the address by one letter and sent it.

A woman in Texas had just returned from her husband's funeral. She opened her laptop, screamed, and fainted. Her son came running into the room and found: "I've just arrived. They have computers here so I decided to email you. They are preparing for your arrival tomorrow. By the way, it's hotter than Hades here!" Big Grin
 
Posts: 23300 | Location: Chicago, USAReply With QuoteReport This Post
<Asa Lovejoy>
posted
I keep seeing "antacids" advertised on the idiot box. Why are they selling formic acid?

Is a researcher of aquifers a cisterns analyst?
 
Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of jerry thomas
posted Hide Post
In Colorado a few decades ago it was popular to use license-plate look-alikes saying "NATIVE."

Then "SEMI-NATIVE" appeared.

We wondered if Semi-Natives were conceived in the sleeping quarters of big trucks.
 
Posts: 6710 | Location: Kehena Beach, Hawaii, U.S.A.Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
posted Hide Post
RAUNCHY ALERT! IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED DO NOT READ FURTHER. lol



Ethel lived in a nursing home and was prone to racing her wheelchair careening precariously around corners. Because she was a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic and prone to tantrums that involved throwing things best left unnamed, the staff tried to tolerate her behavior as much as possible. And some of the other patients even joined in the fun.

One day, Ethel was tearing down a corridor when Grizzly Bob stepped out with one hand raised. "Where's your license to drive that thing?"

Ethel reached into her pocket, pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and displayed it. Bob waved her on.

At the next corner, Hatless Harry stopped her, demanding that she show proof of insurance. She fumbled about in her purse and pulled out an empty M&M package. Again she was waved on.

At the final corridor, out stepped Randy Rick, stark nekkid and holding "a certain part" of his anatomy. Ethel ground to a halt. "Damn it! Not another breathalyzer test!" she howled.
 
Posts: 915 | Location: IowaReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of Kalleh
posted Hide Post
Hmmm...I see you're feeling better, Jo! Wink

This one is a little more tame; Asa sent it to me, but he has deleted it from his system:

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:
Company Policy

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy and insurance will not cover your care!

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to the institution. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
 
Posts: 23300 | Location: Chicago, USAReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of jerry thomas
posted Hide Post
In choosing the Insect Repellent that's right for Your Mosquitoes, remember, you can't beat OFF !


PS ..... after I coined that line and wrote it to a friend, he replied that there is good news.

"The U.S. Army developed a repellent that is even more effective than OFF !," he wrote, "So the Good News is, You CAN beat OFF !"
 
Posts: 6710 | Location: Kehena Beach, Hawaii, U.S.A.Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of arnie
posted Hide Post
I am sure countless teen-aged boys will be very pleased about that, jerry.


Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
 
Posts: 10930 | Location: LondonReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of arnie
posted Hide Post
"Thanks for lending me your car. I've got good news and bad news."
"What's the good news?"
"The airbags work."


Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
 
Posts: 10930 | Location: LondonReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of wordmatic
posted Hide Post
Here's a little video with political overtones that I hope at least the Americans of every political stripe will enjoy:

http://www.jibjab.com/view/156663

Wordmatic
 
Posts: 1390 | Location: Near Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USAReply With QuoteReport This Post
<Asa Lovejoy>
posted
Asylum for the Verbally Insane


This is exactly why English is considered one of the hardest languages in
the world to learn. What makes the rules so difficult to understand is the
fact that the Latin derived verbs follow rules better, but the Anglo
Saxon/German derived words rarely follow simple rules. Basically, what
makes English so difficult is the fact that it's derived from so many different
languages. Makes us smart to be able to speak it!
Arthur


Asylum for the Verbally Insane
Author unknown

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English
muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted, but if we
explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing
rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a
pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make
amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get
rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks
who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the
verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and
feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway. And how can
a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise
guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it
out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
 
Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of Kalleh
posted Hide Post
QT often writes about not-so-bright criminals; here is his latest:

Modern Education + the Criminal Mind =

A man in Surrey, British Columbia, went to police to report that a store clerk confiscated his counterfeit credit cards, police said. Big Grin
 
Posts: 23300 | Location: Chicago, USAReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
posted Hide Post
quote:
Asylum for the Verbally Insane
Author unknown


I believe the author is Richard Lederer.
 
Posts: 886 | Location: IllinoisReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of jerry thomas
posted Hide Post
Bumper Sticker ...... Compatibility is coming together.
 
Posts: 6710 | Location: Kehena Beach, Hawaii, U.S.A.Reply With QuoteReport This Post
<Asa Lovejoy>
posted
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink one. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society." After the curator left, a scruffy-looking man in a Kentucky t-shirt and a NASCAR cap approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really all about? "
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch. "
 
Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of jerry thomas
posted Hide Post
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband’s rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
 
Posts: 6710 | Location: Kehena Beach, Hawaii, U.S.A.Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of Kalleh
posted Hide Post
Pretty funny, boys. They kinda go hand in hand, too, don't they...so to speak? Big Grin

[An aside and not a funny one: As I wrote the above, I decided to read a little about the phrase "so to speak," which I say every so often. I found this in Phrasefinder, which makes me conclude that I shouldn't use that "hackneyed" expression any more.]
 
Posts: 23300 | Location: Chicago, USAReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of bethree5
posted Hide Post
[Kalleh: sotto voce, in reply to your aside... This exchange probably belongs somewhere else, but I say, harrumph to those who eschew 'so to speak'! It is synonymical (made that up) for another phrase we pun-lovers love, "as it were". e.g., 'hand in hand, as it were/ so to speak' above-- you are calling attention to your off-color punnery in case somebody missed it, and I say, all the funnier!]
 
Posts: 2050 | Location: As they say at 101.5FM: Not New York... Not Philadelphia... PROUD TO BE NEW JERSEY!Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of arnie
posted Hide Post
quote:
you are calling attention to your off-color punnery in case somebody missed it
We also might add "as the bishop said to the actress" (or vice versa). It's amazing how you can make the most innocent phrase sound salacious with the addition of those few words! Cool


Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
 
Posts: 10930 | Location: LondonReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of Kalleh
posted Hide Post
Bethree, I was thinking I should start a new thread with "so to speak"...so I will. Shu always criticizes me for bringing up old threads, rather than to just start new ones. I suppose it's a self confidence thing.
 
Posts: 23300 | Location: Chicago, USAReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of arnie
posted Hide Post
A man goes into a bar and orders six glasses of scotch. He lines them up on the bar and the barman watches as he knocks back the first, third, and fifth drinks, leaving three left. He lines them up again, and drinks the first and third. Finally, he swallows the contents of the one glass remaining.

"Pardon me," says the barman, "but why did you line up your drinks like that and pick up every other one?"

"My doctor says I drink too much," replied the man, "but he says I can still have the odd drink."


Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
 
Posts: 10930 | Location: LondonReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of Kalleh
posted Hide Post
News Item: Smoking is banned in British pubs.

News Item: Smoking ban in British pubs reveals previously masked odors of sweat and stale beer.

News Item: British pubs consider pumping in new odors to mask the odors of sweat and stale beer. Or should we close down the pubs until studies are completed on the potential health risks from secondhand sweat?
 
Posts: 23300 | Location: Chicago, USAReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of arnie
posted Hide Post
In case anyone is confused by the presence of Kalleh's post in the "jokes" thread, let me say that this is absolutely true (apart from the last sentence, of course Wink ). See the Daily Mail.

One alternative suggestion for a masking smell was - cigarette smoke. You couldn't make it up, really.


Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
 
Posts: 10930 | Location: LondonReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
posted Hide Post
I lifted this from "The Writer's Art," by James J. Kilpatrick.

quote:
Pill No. 102:

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole, when her neighbor peered over the fence. Curious as to what Nancy was doing, he asked, "What are you up to, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," she tearfully replied without looking up, "and I have just buried him."

The neighbor observed, "That's a really big hole for a little goldfish, isn't it?"

Little Nancy patted down the last shovel of dirt and replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat!"

It's a silly little joke, but I laugh every time I read it.

Tinman
 
Posts: 2770 | Location: Shoreline, WA, USAReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of Kalleh
posted Hide Post
I agree, Tinman, it's funny! (I wonder, though, what cat lovers think of it. Wink)

In the one above that I posted, I forgot to give QT from the Chicago Sun Times credit. Arnie, I had thought it a true joke, not based on what's really happening. That is hilarious!

We bought a used car once from an English man. It was in good condition and smelled great. He had kept tobacco in it, thus giving it the wonderful odor. I have always wondered whether he'd done it on purpose, or if he had smoked a pipe and just kept it in his car.
 
Posts: 23300 | Location: Chicago, USAReply With QuoteReport This Post
<Asa Lovejoy>
posted
I'm amazed how fresh tobacco can smell sooooooo good, but then when it's stuffed in a piece of paper and adulterated with various substances, then set afire, it's tantamount to touching off a chemical weapon! Frown Mad
 
Reply With QuoteReport This Post
<Asa Lovejoy>
posted
PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD -- Crawford , Texas
A tragic flood recently destroyed the personal library of President Geoge W. Bush.
The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books were kept.
Both books have been lost.

Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snowjob said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.

The White House tried calling FEMA but there was no
answer.
 
Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of arnie
posted Hide Post
Man (meeting friend in bar): "So, how's your love life?"
Friend: "Not so good. Last night all the wife would talk about was how the bedroom ceiling needed redecorating."
Man: "That's not so good."
Friend: "Right. And it was an expensive hotel, too!"


Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
 
Posts: 10930 | Location: LondonReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of Meshal
posted Hide Post
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."


~~~~~~~~~~~Signature~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You are cordially invited to inform me of the mistakes I make, so that I can correct them. I'm learning English, and it's quite different from Arabic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We seldom think of what we have, but we always think of what we miss ~ pope john paul II ~
 
Posts: 59 | Location: Riyadh, Saudi ArabiaReply With QuoteReport This Post
<Asa Lovejoy>
posted
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

What are men like? Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to enjoy with dinner.
 
Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of Kalleh
posted Hide Post
Here are a couple of jokes that Asa sent me, and when I asked him to post them, he suggested that I should. These are some of my favorites:

Marriage Seminar

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
..............................................

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
...............................................

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
.............................................

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS"
 
Posts: 23300 | Location: Chicago, USAReply With QuoteReport This Post
Junior Member
posted Hide Post
They're real. The "gripe sheets".

From Qantas.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


quote:
Originally posted by Asa Lovejoy:
Here's a probably apocryphal list of airline pilot's comlaints, followed by the maintenance mechanic's comments:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and get serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget hammering on something.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
 
Posts: 12 | Location: Tunbridge WellsReply With QuoteReport This Post
<Asa Lovejoy>
posted
Not sure this is a joke, but...

From Jumbojoke.com: I got to thinking about Judaism the other day, and it occurred to me how odd it is that people will have a bris catered. Eek
 
Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Junior Member
posted Hide Post
The Agony Column:

Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,
and, when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me.
It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago,
he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars,
cruise around and bullshit with his buddies,
while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me,
and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman!
You don't need him anymore!
You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one.
 
Posts: 12 | Location: Tunbridge WellsReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of wordmatic
posted Hide Post
I thought there was a thread called Best E-Mail of the Week, but I couldn't find it, so I'll post this here. This is an e-mail that has been making the rounds in the U.S. in this pre-election season. Enjoy (not that any of this applies to any American Wordcrafters...)

Wordmatic


MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
[photo of QEII--you remember what she looks like? All Decked in jewels?--snipped]

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

-----------------------

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

-------------------

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in

Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

---------------------

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyondyour borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!
 
Posts: 1390 | Location: Near Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USAReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of BobHale
posted Hide Post
Very amusing (though I have seen it before) but there are a couple of oddly inconsistent Americanisms in it that just don't fit with the piece.

1. No Englishman would ever spell Ketchup as Catsup. The latter word doesn't exist over here.

2. I don't think we would use the phrase "internal revenue agent". While it's a legitimate phrase I have NEVER heard the taxman referred to this way. We call our tax office the INLAND revenue.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: BobHale,
 
Posts: 7865 | Location: EnglandReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of BobHale
posted Hide Post
And while I'm here, though I wouldn't normally post in this thread, here's a joke I heard on Rick Wakeman's show on Planet Rock last week. (If you don't know - Rick is the former keyboards player with YES and Planet Rock is a radio station specialising in rock music. Rick is known for telling an endless stream of dirty jokes on air. I don't know how he gets away with it,)

Anyway, the joke.

Four nuns die and go to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates they are met by Saint Peter. He says to the first one, "Sister, have you ever sinned?" and she replies, "Yes, I once accidentally touched a man's penis." He tells her, "Well that was a sin but if you wash your hand in this Holy Water, all will be forgiven and you may enter." She does so and enters.
He turns to the second nun and repeats the question. She says, "I once held a man's penis in both my hands."
Saint Peter gives the same advice and she washes both her hands and enters. He turns to the other two only to see that they are fighting. After he has separated them he turns to the fourth nun and says "Sisters, what is the reason for this terrible behaviour?" and the fourth nun points at the third nun and says "If you think I'm gargling with that water after she's been sitting in it, you'd better think again!"
 
Posts: 7865 | Location: EnglandReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of Kalleh
posted Hide Post
Funny, Bob! Big Grin

Wordmatic, given our UK presence here, that is hilarious!
 
Posts: 23300 | Location: Chicago, USAReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of arnie
posted Hide Post
This has turned up at each US presidential election since 2000 in various guises. Four years ago it was supposed to have come from John Cleese.

Snopes has an article with sundry versions.


Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
 
Posts: 10930 | Location: LondonReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of bethree5
posted Hide Post
Just wanted to share this card I picked up for my sister's upcoming birthday. (We were both subjected to endless correction of our grammar-- mid-sentence, in any weather or circumstance-- by our curmudgeonly mother & grandmother)

Outside of card and inside show the same photo with speech bubbles: two catty-looking teen girls conversing over sodas at a lunch counter

Outside page: Teen 1: "Where's your birthday party at?"
Teen 2: "Don't end a sentence with a preposition."

Inside page: Teen 1: "Where's your birthday party at, bitch?
 
Posts: 2050 | Location: As they say at 101.5FM: Not New York... Not Philadelphia... PROUD TO BE NEW JERSEY!Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of arnie
posted Hide Post
A man is given three wishes by a genie.

"First, I want a billion dollars!"
Poof! A safe containing a billion dollars in used bills appears.

"Second, I want a Bugatti Veyron!"
Poof! The car appears next to him.

"Third, I want to be irresistible to women!"
Poof! He turns into a box of chocolates.


Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
 
Posts: 10930 | Location: LondonReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of Proofreader
posted Hide Post
A wife was very upset with her husband. He had a bad habit of breaking wind just as they went to bed, then reaching back and scratching his butt. She often admonished him, "One of these nights you're going to do that and you'll blow your guts right out." He always laughed and told her she was crazy.

One day, after cleaning out a chicken, she placed the innards into a plastic bag. That night, when her husband went into his nightly routine, she emptied the bag near his bottom. As he reached to scratch himself, she felt him stiffen and then leap from the bed and head for the bathroom.

Several minutes later he emerged and said to his wife, "You know, I thought you were nuts when you warned me about blowing my guts out. Well, I just did.

"But, luckily, through the grace of God and two strong fingers, I got them all back inside again."


Give a man a fish and he can eat for one day; give a man a fishing pole and he will find an excuse to never work again.
Nollidj is power.
 
Posts: 6004 | Location: Rhode IslandReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
posted Hide Post
A Norwegian friend just gave this to me.


Norwegian Math Test

A Norwegian fella wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Without numbers?' The Norwegian says, 'Dat's easy.' and proceeds to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asks.

'Vot! you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Norwegian.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Dar ya go.'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Norwegian fella stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Dar ya go. Von hundred.'

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

The Norwegian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, vich makes von hundred.'

'So, ven do I start?
 
Posts: 2770 | Location: Shoreline, WA, USAReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of Kalleh
posted Hide Post
Pretty funny! Big Grin You should introduce your friend to Wordcraft.
 
Posts: 23300 | Location: Chicago, USAReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of Richard English
posted Hide Post
That story would work as well with a Irishman as its hero.


Richard English
 
Posts: 8037 | Location: Partridge Green, West Sussex, UKReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
posted Hide Post
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person… because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells,

“You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”
 
Posts: 2770 | Location: Shoreline, WA, USAReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of Richard English
posted Hide Post
One of the funniest off the cuff remarks I have ever heard was on "Have I got News for You" last night.

The panel were discussing Michelle Obama and one panel member asked why she always worse sleeveless dresses. Came the response:

"It's written in the Constitution - Americans have the right to bare arms"


Richard English
 
Posts: 8037 | Location: Partridge Green, West Sussex, UKReply With QuoteReport This Post
<Asa Lovejoy>
posted
And the old soviet constitution permitted armed bears.
 
Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of Proofreader
posted Hide Post
And Richard's constitution requires armloads of beers.


Give a man a fish and he can eat for one day; give a man a fishing pole and he will find an excuse to never work again.
Nollidj is power.
 
Posts: 6004 | Location: Rhode IslandReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
posted Hide Post
A catholic boy's confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned.. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Boy Blue?

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Litle boy blue, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may
as well tell me now. Was it Tina Martinez?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa White?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Maria Martin?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Ramon?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Carol Babbcok?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But
you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Boy Blue walks back to his pew, and his friend Carlos slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads."
 
Posts: 2770 | Location: Shoreline, WA, USAReply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of Proofreader
posted Hide Post
A man suddenly clutched his chest and collapsed on the sidewalk. His wife screamed and called for someone to get a priest. But there were no priests around.
"Oh, no," she cried. "He can't die without a priest to give him absolution. Can't anyone help?"
A man stepped forward and said, "I'm not a priest and I'm not Catholic but I did live next door to a Catholic church. I think I picked up some of their rites which may be of help here."
"Thank God!" said the woman. "Please say something."
Solemnly the man kneeled over the victim, crossed himself and said, "Under the I, twenty-two. Under the B, seven...."


Give a man a fish and he can eat for one day; give a man a fishing pole and he will find an excuse to never work again.
Nollidj is power.
 
Posts: 6004 | Location: Rhode IslandReply With QuoteReport This Post
  Powered by Social Strata Page 1 2 3 4 5  
 

Wordcraft Home Page    Wordcraft Community Home Page    Forums  Hop To Forum Categories  Wordplay    The World's Funniest Joke - II

Copyright © 2002-12