The cow lost its signalling device so we'll have to rebel.

A lot of people use Twitter but military men can only send a message once since they hate to re-tweet.

That reminds me of an awful joke someone once aggravated me with. A "friend" stood next to me and inncocently asked, "Did you ever hear what a two-hundred-pound canary sounds like?"
I said, "No, I have never heard one that big."
He then yelled as loudly as he could in my ear, "TWEEEEEEEEEET!"
After I had somewhat recovered, he asked, "Do you want to learn what a two-hundred-pound skunk smells like?"
I left before he showed me.

We'll have to REDISTRIBUTE the crimson dye among the pirates for ransom.

A woman backed into an airplane propellor. Disaster.
You may have heard that before but not that she is looking for a rebuttal.

Is a lifeboat full of male models a hunky-dory?

Nah, that's a Bohemian rowboat. And a rowboat is one in which people argue. And if the preceeding seems disjointed, it's because someone stole Proofreader's marijuana.

I here they're sending his will back to the Courts for a second evaluation. I"m not surprised; I always knew he was an old REPROBATE.

I've figured out how government works: Since "con" is the opposite of "pro," we've got Constitution and prostitution.

Similarly - the CONGRESS is the opposite of PROGRESS ?

(a cynic's Oldie-but-Goodie)

Members of the legislature are now required to sit at the back of the bus in a move called congregation.

If you pay for congress, it's prostitution.

If you can figure out how to take the shame out of
using a chemical detergent, then paradoxically
you will have made a DISodium phosphate !

I can't say "phosphate" without getting the front of my shirt wet.

After Lorena hacked at John Bobbitt, do you think she helped him remember what happened?

After all the rain we've had in Rhode Island, we're asking God to deriver us.

Just be careful not to forfeit your sled again - that would be another DELUGE.

(I think someone used that one already...)

Highwayman to offal purveyor: "Stand and deliver!"

If nothing else will get rid of those grub-digging varmints who make tunnels in your lawn, you may have to resort to DEMOLITION.

Or if you're in the Mason's youth auxiliary in Canada, and you want to get rid of those varmints, you have to DeMole, ay.

You can place a mole on Mary, and put one on Jane, but don't molester.

True. With Ester you have to put an alcohol on an acid.

Over at OEDILF, one lim mentioned that you disjoint a chicken but dismember a heron. Amazingly you can to either or both to a male human.

If someone take the wind out of your sails, is that DISGUSTING?

If a curvy woman puts on lots of weight is she disfigured?

Turn it around - a skinny woman who puts on weight in the right places has been configured.

She's CON-figured if she uses silicone.

Before the Civil War, southern estate owners did plastic surgery on their implantations.

So THAT's what all that cotton was for!

The Bosc and the Anjou are all missing from my fruit salad! Please explain this disappearance.

Don't dispearage the salad!

I know a couple named Bartlett. They're the Bartlett pair to me.

The Devil's actual name is Bartlett. That show's he's impaired.

How would you define "impair" ?

He's a real son-of-a-devil !

Impair? - to decouple of course.

I saw a performance of The Mikado once in which in the last scene the director inserted just four words of her own bit of whimsy, with great effect:

MIKADO: ...But my difficulty is that, as you have slain the Heir Apparent----

(enter Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum. They kneel.)

NANKI: The Heir Apparent is not slain!

MIKADO: (with amazement) An heir!

NANKI: A parent!



...Nobody in the audience was expecting that.

Prince Edward was overcome with libido when he pursued Wallis Simpson. In an effort to reduce his amorousness, doctors injected him with chemicals in an attempt to dispassioned.

The trouble with this game is I can never remember what we've done. Bet you've seen this one before:

As a result of his crime, Cain was permanently "dis-abeled".

Wrong! Cain's trouble was he was abel-bodied.

Please, don't worry about the skunk. It's a pet and it's distinct.

Has the guitar-playing lawyer who's been forbidden to play chords in the courtroom any more been disbarred?

No, he's discordant.

If separated from a religious commune that cuts up animals are you dissect?

quote:

Originally posted by haberdasher:
Has the guitar-playing lawyer who's been forbidden to play chords in the courtroom any more been disbarred?

No, I believe that was the naughty ballet student.

No, that was the ostracized owl.

And here I thought it was the disgraced Shakespearean actor...

Or maybe a released convict is disbarred.

I think I may have mentioned previously that I thought disbarred had something to do with a gymnast falling off the parallels, but having rethought it I have now decided it's when you are allowed access again. Then again maybe it's when they turn a former prison into high density accommodation.

(fixed typos - about 4 of them)

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Greg S,

I recall my father causing a commotion in a lounge, upon which the owner said, "That's it. You're disbarred."

quote:

Originally posted by Proofreader:
...the owner said, "That's it. You're disbarred."

Or did DISBARRED apply to the guy who got thrown out of the pizza shop ?

Next time I catch my daughter playing a computer game when she should be doing her homework, I'm going to tell her to display that thing straight away.