In a department store, a perfume lady tried to spray me with a bottle of something. I slapped it out of her hand and dismissed her.

True story. Yesterday the doorbell rang and on my porch was a guy with a clipboard.

"Hello," he said. "I'm John with XYZ Pest Control. I'm here to offer you a treatment..."

"I don't want any," I interrupted.

"Don't you have any pests around your house?" he asked.

"Only the ones that ring my bell and try to sell me stuff," I said.

How can I DISABUSE you of the idea that I don't do sit-ups any more?

"Yeah, I used to have quite a washboard across here," said Tom ABSTRACTLY. (oops wrong entry )

I'm sorry but Ex-Lax leaves me unmoved.

By contrast I was undeterred by a solid fart.

Sorry, Greg. If it was solid your were terred.

Correct. un-de is a double negative, but more importantly undie-terred.

No that's a misnomer-- the capital is ANCHORAGE!

Misnomer is the Alaska beauty contenstant, don't Juneau.

Shouldn't DISSECTION be "putting together" (dis-section), not "picking apart"?

The printer fell into a printing machine but came out the other end without injury. When asked how he felt, he replied, "Basically, I'm unimpressed.

Da guys at iPhone made a new app to use if youse gets lost. It's a compass and youse just follow da way disappoint.

quote:

Originally posted by Proofreader:
Da guys at iPhone made a new app to use if youse gets lost. It's a compass and youse just follow da way disappoint.

Gee, I thought that was when the judge got impeached.

The judge was going to Wilkes Barre, but only got to Wilkes because he was disBarred.

Gushed the English teacher, "That paper you wrote after dreaming of Noah's boat should be graded again. It's REMARKABLE"!

Is an old boat arkaic?

Of course fossilized food has no nutritional value -- we can't have archaic and eat it, too.

According to an ancient manuscrpt, God destroyed the world by flood twice. The second time he used Noah, but the first time he used Doah, who only took one of each kind on board.

I thought it was the first screw-up in history who did that: Gilgamess.

Oh yes, Doah-- adenoid trouble, wasn't it?

From the Book of Mormon:
Ether 2:16 - 21
...

18 And it came to pass that the brother of Jared cried unto the Lord, saying: O Lord, I have performed the work which thou hast commanded me, and I have made the barges according as thou hast directed me.

19 And behold, O Lord, in them there is no light; whither shall we steer? And also we shall perish, for in them we cannot breathe, save it is the air which is in them; therefore we shall perish.

20 And the Lord said unto the brother of Jared: Behold, thou shalt make a hole in the top, and also in the bottom;

Sounds like God works for BP.

Aftr my sister got a divorce, she kept insisting she had been deloused.

Was she married to Dom Delouse?

Speaking of deloused, if you undertake that process aren't you actually being deliced? Seems a shame to waste all that bug juice just to kill one.

Suppose the bugs find they like the stuff and claim it is delicious.

Reminds me of that song, "It's delightful, it's delicious, it's delovely." That should mean that the object of the song is ugly.

My Wii game broke so I brought it back to the store for a Wiifund.

Why didn't you get it Wiipaired?

Because he had WiiWiied on it.

Having thought about it some more I would have thought that if they were pWiipared to Wiifund his money, why didn't he just get it Wiiplaced?

Because he had the upgrade on his Wii Shlist.

Did you Wiitness his getting the upgrade?

When Marcel Marceau piloted an aircraft, he kept it between the lines designated for him. It was, after all, a BIPLANE...

I always thught biplanes flew only gay people

Nah, he wasn't all that cheerful. However, he did write all his emails in MIME format.

When my father's brother got divorced he became a DISTANT relative (though I never could tell whether his ex-wife was French or German).

Now that's good! Double puns ain't easy!

When my former wife gave up spinning, started stuttering, and then divorced me I was dis-distaffed.

quote:

dis-distaffed.

...saying unflattering things about her?

Nah, she preferred dat staff to dis staff. But of course, dysstaff requires Viagra.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Geoff,

They refused to say the blessing before eating! That's DISGRACEFUL!

(Should I have said "graceless"?)

Hamlet's stepfather DISDANED him.

The badger game worked perfectly, but when they got mad and took away the hooker's share that was a DISPROPORTIONATE action.

Tools for the dis game: http://www.blumol.net/

Is he disparate if a pirate loses his bird?

It'll certainly teach him not to sword fight with his pants off!

Would a mute caveman be disgruntled?

Have you ever known anyone who was gruntled? I haven't. Are you distrout if you lose your fish?

If fish had legs and could dance, would they wear a bastard?

If the Stooges fire one character, is that a demo?

Has a naked girl been defrocked?