Stumbled across this list of allegedly-actual headlines:

• Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
• Man Eating Piranha Mistakenly Sold As Pet Fish
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• New Housing for Elderly Not Yet Dead
• 12 on Their Way to Cruise Among Dead in Plane Crash
• N.J. Judge to Rule on Nude Beach
• Chou Remains Cremated
• Chinese Apeman Dated
• Hershey Bars Protest
• Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
• Deer Kill 130,000
• Complaint About NBA Referees Growing Ugly
• Child’s Stool Great for Use in Garden
• Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan
• Drunk Gets 9 Months in Violin Case
• Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
• Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
• Columnist Gets Urologist in Trouble with His Peers

Oh, I hope these are real. #5 looks like a society page item.

And there are those who claim that the hyphen is an unimportant punctuation mark!

Not in the same league as those examples, nor funny, but I noticed a misleading headline in my paper today.

TEENS SILENT OVER FATHER KILLING

My hopes of a report of a nice juicy patricide were dashed. It turned out that the kids refused to give evidence at an inquest into the death of a man on the grounds that it might incriminate them. There was apparently insufficient evidence for them to be charged with his killing.

The "father" part had no real connection - the kids were not related to him - he happened to have had two children, both in their 20s.

Next-to-last item in hic's list:

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Reminded me of this story, vaguely recalled, which I finally managed to dig up from the web.

Wilhelm II, the last emperor of Germany, was the grandson of Britain's Queen Victoria. In his autobiography he relates a humorous episode.

Admiral Foley, the superintendent of the stockyard on the Isle of Wight, was almost totally deaf. Summoned to lunch with the Queen, at Osborne, he was obliged to explain how the British sailing vessel Eurydice could have sunk off the coast of Portsmouth. The Emperor related the following details of the talks:

"Having exhausted this sad topic, my grandmother sought to give the conversation another direction and thus inquired about the health of his sister, with whom she was well acquainted. The hearing-impaired admiral believed Her Majesty's question still pertained to further work on the vessel and he promptly replied with a stentorian voice: 'Well, ma'm, I am going to have her turned over and take a good look at her bottom and have it well scraped.'"

The imperial author reported the impact this response had upon the queen as follows: "My grandmother put down knife and fork and buried her face in her handkerchief, as her entire body shook with laughter and tears ran down her cheeks. My uncle, the Duke of Connaught, and the younger members of the family around the table, forgot all etiquette and burst into ringing laughter. The dignified servants, being busy with the exchange of dinner plates, took refuge behind the screen in front of the sideboard. Surprised, the admiral observed this eruption of merriment, without at first being able to find an explanation."

I think it a great punishment for the drunk to get 9 months in the violin case.