As I do most of my viewing either on line or in the cinema these days I never get to see the bootleg DVDs that were so common in China just ten or eleven years ago when I first came here. There used to be bootleg shops and stalls everywhere but you never see them now. Everyone just rips things from the internet. That's progress, I suppose. It's a pity though because it means beautiful Chinese synopses like this one (which I found on the always interesting Language Log blog) have largely become a thing of the past. Here, then, is the magnificent Chinese synopsis of Alien.

"Space ship people get up from sleeping coffin and have eat. Computer woman find strange noisings on planet and astronauts go to seeing. Astronauts find big elephant man who dead then find too many egg.
Astronaut is possess by egg demon and new egg demon is come when eat bad noodle. Seven friends and cat all try to find egg demon before space ship go home but is hard working.
Who will life to escaping? Who is bad milk blood robot? Scream not working because space make deaf"

Not strictly relevant but... the phrase "but is hard working" reminded me of something from a long time ago when I was teaching in England. One of my students, in a job interview roll play, wanted to say "I am reliable and hard-working" but actually said "I am reliable hard work". He was too. Very hard work.

And if I ever start a heavy metal band I'm going to call it Bad Milk Blood Robot.

OMG Bob, that movie-plot summary is flat out hilarious. Clearly written in the same language as some of the more choice instruction sheets enclosed with some-assembly-required type items arriving from China in early global trade days.

Speaking of assembly instruction inserts... Just came across an old New Yorker cartoon. Bird couple perched on branch with assembled nest between them. The apparent assembler peruses a page held by her wings, with one twig clamped in mouth. Caption: "There's always one annoying piece left over."

And - that caption is true! Love the New Yorker.

This supposed translation from Italian was allegedly from Richard Lederer; I don't know whether he is supposed to have constructed it or just passed it along. Separately, I came across it, unattributed, taped to the wall of a dressing room in the basement of Carnegie Hall in 1985:

Act One:
Carmen is a cigar makeress from a tabago factory who loves with Don Jose of the mounting guard. Carmen takes a flower from her corsets and lances it to Don Jose (Duet: Talk me of my mother). There is a noise inside the tabago factory and the revolting cigar-makeresses burst into the stage. Carmen is arrested and Don Jose is ordered to mounting guard her but Carmen subduces him and he lets her escape.
...
Act Four:
A place in Seville. Procession of the balls-fighters. The roaring of the balls is heard in the arena. Escamillo enters ((Aria and chorus: Toreador Toreador, all hails the balls of a Toreador). Enter Don Jose: (Aria: I do not threaten. I besooch you.) But Carmen repels him wants to join with Escamillo now chaired by the crowd. Don Jose stabbs her (Aria: Oh Rupture, Rupture, You May Arrest Me, I did kill her). He sings Oh my beautiful Carmen, my subductive Carmen.

Hmmm...

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