As I said elsewhere, I bombed out in last place at Saturday's slam and while I don't think I deserved to win I did think that this was a little harsh.

Here, just to see what my chums on wordcraft think, are the two poems that I performed. Assume the performance was good (which it was) and tell me what you think of the work.

The first was this one which I introduced by explaining that it is about what happens when you try to be penfriends with someone who was once your girlfriend but who now lives in another country.

Every Letter That I Write

In every letter that I write you
The humdrum details of my days
The films I’ve seen, the books I’ve read
It’s all instead
Of what I really want to say
I’m not allowed to say I love you
I know because when I’m that bold
Then your replies
To all I write
Become a litle cold

Every picture in the album
The history of the time we spent
The castle walls, the sunny beach
Are out of reach
Whatever they once meant
Here you are outside a restaurant
Frozen laughter in the rain
Here by a riverside in summer
In the sunshine
Of another time
Before the winter came


And the second one I introduced by explaining that it's about how feelings gradually fade and that, like the previous poem, it was based on personal experience.

The Memory of Sunshine

Sometimes it seems to me
As if the rain’s been here forever
As if the seasons of my life
Are filled with stormy weather
But then I think back to
The time I had with you
And the memory of sunshine
Carries me on through

Sometimes I have to ask myself
Why the sky just keeps on falling
Through the raindrops on the canvas
Sometimes I hear you calling
But then I wake alone again
And lie quiet in the dark
While the memory of sunshine
Is a dim and distant spark

There’s as song I know that’s called
“It can’t rain all the time”
It’s true I once believed
All stories worked out fine
But I find as days pass by
And the clouds go on and on
That the memory of the sunshine
Fades until it’s gone.


So, any comments, anyone? Be as honest as you like.

Well, I don't get it, Bob. I like them both, a lot. I tend to like the second one better, technically, because I am old fashioned with liking meter and rhymes. On the other hand, the top one is a little more whimsical with the length of lines, and meter within. Plus the I like the story of the first one best. I also like the way the first and second stanzas of the first one have similarities (i.e., "every letter" and "every picture" or "become a little cold" or "before the winter came.") So, in the end, I think I prefer "Every Letter That I Write."

I wonder if some of the subtleties are missed, though, when you read it. I imagine some poems are better when you read them yourself. I could be wrong though. I am sure poetry slammers think I am.

Obviously everybody else here agrees with the audience. The silence is almost deafening.
Incidentally the first poem really out to be heard or read out loud.

To me they look more like song lyrics than poems. Have you thought of setting them to music?

I can't tell a C sharp from a third storey flat.

My ability to put them to music would be seriously hampered by the fact that I can't carry a tune in a bucket.

Maybe you should team up with a composer then. I've already got a tune for the first one in my head (not that I claim to be a brilliant composer, although I do write stuff occasionally).

quote:

Obviously everybody else here agrees with the audience. The silence is almost deafening.
I

Bob, as you know, we often don't have responses to individual poems here. I don't think your conclusion is correct.

quote:

Incidentally the first poem really out to be heard or read out loud.

If you mean "ought" and not "out," I would disagree, as I said above. I loved reading it, and I think hearing it out loud, for me, wouldn't be as effective. But, each to his/her own. Perhaps I'm in the minority.

I did mean ought.

What I meant was that the poem was written, deliberately, as a piece to be read out loud and the rhythm is only properly apparent when that's done.

And my conclusion was most definitely meant to be tongue-in-cheek.