I hope you don’t think that it’s parochial of me to keep on choosing NZ places. It’s just that if I don’t fly the Kiwi flag, then who will? ...No-one. That’s who.

So, this week please write a lim extolling the virtues of the little town of Picton, the southern port for the Cook Strait ferry, which connects our North and South Islands. People mostly pass through Picton without a backward glance; it should be grateful to receive some attention for once.

Pik-tihn or near enough will do.

You may submit as many limericks as you like.

New rules may be posted at some point.

With the stress on the first syllable?

Is there a deadline, stella?

Does anyone have any information about the military campaigns of General Jeb Raltar during his travels to Picton?

Dunno about his military campaigns, but I understand that in his youth Jeb Raltar picton his younger half-brother Mal Tar unmercifully.

quote:

I understand that in his youth Jeb Raltar picton his younger half-brother Mal Tar unmercifully

Now that is the kind of anecdote that will make my upcoming Biography of General Jeb Raltar (in Limerick Form) the sensation of the literary world! Unfortunately, the good general has been roundly castigated for his propensity to turn overwhelming victory into utter defeat, but I intend to change posterity's portrait of him, even if Proofreader has to prevaricate and permutate preposterously.

Yes, Richard, PG for Picton = PICK-tin. Sorry for the omission.

The deadline for entries is Sunday 1200 CDT = Sunday 1800 GMT (I think).

In cases of undue hardship you may beg for an extension. I may relent since I've been tardy getting this one started.

tin? not "ton" or "tƏn"?

(If you can't see it that last vowel is a schwa)

I'll tell you what, no matter how it's pronounced it's a swine to rhmye!

Better ask stella how it got picked on.

It got Picton a hurry.

Everybody, of course, knows about the Wairau Affray, which took place near Nelson in 1843. Nelson is only 122 miles by road from Picton.

It is not generally known that General Jeb Raltar, when he heard the news of the incident, led an expedition to Nelson from Picton, with the intention of "sorting out these uppity Maoris" as he put it. Unfortunately, the expedition got lost on the way, and they ended up in Hokitika, some 200 miles to the south of Nelson. They came across a friendly group of Maoris there, who threw a feast for them of huhu grubs, mountain oysters, possum pate, and wasp larva icecream. There were only three survivors: Jeb Raltar, and his half-brothers Mal Tar, and Jack Tar.

Yes, this was one of the sadder episodes in the general's life. What you failed to mention is that the men weree later rescued by a British expedition led by world-famous General Sir Tardan Feathered.

There were a couple of others in the Tar family. Al Tar was, as was common for younger brothers in families of their class at the time, took Holy Orders and entered the Church.

Then there was the Tar baby, who, as Uncle Remus described, got entangled with Br'er Rabbit.

quote:

Tar baby

Founder of Tarnation. He attempted to become emperor but was tarned down.

When the battle was still much in doubt
With no idea how it might come out,
General Raltar said, “Feet,
We shall fake a retreat,”
And the Maoris, faked, won, in a rout.

Jeb Raltar surveilled Rotorua
And, stealthy, he sneaked his way thrua
A large house on a hill
Which he stayed in until
He wound up defiling a whorua.

This whorua, an avowed Maori spy,
Stole intelligence coaxed from each guy.
But Jeb Raltar was mum,
Or perhaps just plain dumb,
Since his IQ was just short of pi.

Jeb Raltar cried, “I claim all N.Z.!
Now its treasures must be brought to me.”
So they brought de-balled rams,
Some smoked kangaroo hams,
And a sheila named Stella to see.

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I'm interested to see where this one's heading

PS: We pronounce it ENZED.
When you live here that's how NZ's said.
And a kangaroo ham
Is from Oz. We eat lamb,
On this side of the Tasman, instead.

And don't forget Ava Tar, child of his entanglement with the whorua of the Te Arava tribe, whose offspring found fame far exceeding that of her marauding father.

Bob, the local PG would be PIK-tin because rounding vowels is frowned upon downunder as a matter of national pride. I think of the sound as similar to the way we shorten Birming-ham to Birming-im.

However, there are a number of Pictons around the world, some in the UK, where I imagine it might be Pik-tuhn or Pik-ton with the short ‘o’ sound we know but can’t explain. I notice the Americans are tending to the ‘kicked in’ rhyme and the Brits toward the ‘kicked on’. It’s a tricky one all right, but then as they say, life’s not all beer and pickles.

It is really astounding to me
How you Kiwis get “Zed” out of “Zee.”
And I have no ide-ah
Where Jeb goes from he-ah
Just you keep coming back, you may see.

General Raltar was awf’ly well-read
And would NEVER confuse “Zee” with “Zed”.
Though he was England-born
And had sailed round the Horn
His English was U.S.A.-said.

I hesitate to inflict on everyone poor Jeb's forgotten Siamese-twin boys, Tartar and Tartary.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: <Proofreader>,

Yeah, I've travelled with enough New Zealanders that I should have remembered that "i" sound.
After all it does replace pretty much every other vowel.
Keep the two I've sent and I'll try to do a couple that work with your local accent as well.

quote:

There were a couple of others in the Tar family

Lest we forget some of their more infamous, perhaps even monstrous, ancestors.

Cree Tar who resided near the black lagoon, and Minnie Tar who hailed from the Aegean.

And his African relative, Tar Zan.

General Raltar, at Kataka Point,
Told his batman, “Now here’s what I loint.”
Yes, he spoke Brooklynese
Sans accent Londonese.
“Kiwi girls like the looks of my joint.”

General Raltar told his twins Tartar,
“Your appearance I don’t want to mar.”
And he took his long sword
Which he swung -- OH! My Lord!
Cut apart, though he left quite a scar.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: <Proofreader>,

quote:

world-famous General Sir Tardan Feathered.

My apologies for forgetting to list the General's complete title. It should have read General Sir Tardan Feathered, S.O.B., B.O., D.O.B., S.S.N., LS/MFT. I beg the pardon of those in the British Empire who insist on excruciating accuracy in presenting this arcanity.

quote:

... I should have remembered that "i" sound.
After all it does replace pretty much every other vowel.

True, Bob ... except for the letter "i" itself, which is pronounced "uh". Guaranteed way to tell Aussies from Kiwis - ask them to say "fish and chips". Aussies say "feesh and cheeps", Kiwis say "fush and chups".

quote:

It’s a tricky one all right, but then as they say, life’s not all beer and pickles.

Is that really the way that the saying has morphed in Australia? Mind you, anything to try to cover up the taste of an Australian Mega-brewer's chemical fizz...

Though Richard won’t touch it for nickels,
We drink it in torrents not trickles;
But, mucho or little,
Downunder a skittle
Should go with a beer and not pickles.

Back to the sotry of the Siamese twins:

Splitting twins both apart was a trick
Done by Raltar’s long sword flashing quick
He made one into two,
Though the knife did cut through
One boy’s arm, half an ass, and a dick.

To excise a boy’s dick, most agree,
Would not fill a dad’s heart full of glee.
So Dad shot him with ‘roid
Made a girl (now unboy-ed),
And that’s why one Tartar’s now Tartary.

While I may poke fun at General Jeb Raltar, I should thank Arnie for reminding me about Jeb's brother, Mal Tar. While Jeb is lost to history, his brother is still famous for that luscious libation, Maltared Milk.

Mine will be coming!

I will probably give this one a miss. I have been racking my brains for decent rhymes for Picton/Pictun/Pictin and can think of very few that both work and fit into a decent (or preferably, indecent) limerick.

If the muse visits me today I'll have a go.

Well, Hey all-- I’d decided to check in
To scope out our new place-word Pictin--
Found a rhymed conversation
Full of… anapestation
On its etym., orth., stats (mostly ficti’n).

Seems to me y’all headed for the bar
& sudsed up, replacing “Picton” with “Tar”
Now my first assay's in
As I lay here all in
Weak with chuckles at the wit without par, har har.

I'm crying with laughter over all this!
As a fellow kiwi I had to make some comment and add my support to Stella.

I sure wish I was as clever with words as all youse guys.

Kia ora!
tēnā koutou

I didn't like the original so I made a few changes, which may not improve it. But it is MY General, is it not? I want to thank Lily for her use of "youse" which showed I had "yoused" the wrong pronoun for the twins.

General Raltar told his twins Tartar><tar,
“Youse appearance I don’t want to mar/mar.”
And he took his long sword
Which he swung -- OH! My Lord!
Cut apart, though he left quite a scar<>scar

This message has been edited. Last edited by: <Proofreader>,

Oh, Lily, we're so glad to have you here. It was fun writing those limericks.

Mine is in, finally, Stella!

Once Jeb Rawltar sailed Marlborough Sound
And went all the South Island around:
Paraparaumu,
Sailing past Timaru,
But, at Invercargill, ran aground.

And Jeb said, "This seacoast is too tough.
I'm going to pack all my stuff."
So he loaded his gear
Saying, "I'm outa here."
And took the first ship home from Bluff.

EDIT: EXTENSION OF JUDGING TIME - NOW CLOSES NOV 4 2000 GMT

Yay, Lily! Kia ora! And thanks to proofreader for his virtual tour of NZ!

Here are the Picton limericks, numbered and listed randomly. Judging this week is by popular vote, so please post your first and second choices here in the forum, identifying them by number.

I’ll give 3 points for first choices and one point for seconds - votes for one’s own work will merit half a point (if that).

Voting is open to everyone, not just those who entered the contest, and will close in 24hrs. The winner can choose next week’s place name.

Anyone who’d like can also try to guess the authors. It could be interesting to see how well you do.



1. There are not many drugs down in Picton.
It is not a good town to addict in.
One guy got crystal meth
(Which was cause of his death).
Overdosed, he was found, needle sticktin. by Proofreader

2. “Nice ass?” Do you say that in Picton?
Here in Wellington we are quite strict on
Making no coarse allusion
To a lady’s protrusion
In the place you’re about to be kicked on. by timon

3. There’s no local bus service in Picton
So you’ll drive there by car. They are strict in
Street parking downtown.
So park near the Sound;
Then sail off on the boat you’ll get sicktin. by Proofreader

4. A pugilist fought, but was licked, in
A town in New Zealand called Picton.
He was decked in round two
By a old kangaroo:
A result that they'd all been predictin'. by Bob

5. A dominatrix who set up in Picton
Found plenty of men to inflict on
Her whips and her chains
And some terrible pains
And anything she could be strict on. by Bob

6. A scurrilous scribbler from Picton
Wrote nothin but prurient fict’on
He’d a bad lisp to boot
‘N swore, the old coot—
His blue streaks lacked nothin’ but dict’on. by bethree

7. The net’s website says that Picton’s sound
Is renowned for the leisure things found.
You can “fish, tramp and walk,”
But at this most would balk
Since the Sound walkers soon would be drowned. by Proofreader

8. The New Zealand town they call Picton
Has one claim to fame, which I've clicked on.
It's the one place on Earth
(Through its whole height and girth)
That perfectly rhymes with Penticton. by Richard

9. If your bank has foreclosed and’s evictin,
And the market’s woes all are inflictin
A drain on your dough,
You should pack up and go
To the Marlborough Sounds’ marvel, Picton. by Proofreader

10. I once took a journey to Picton,
Though gaps in our language just clicked in:
The woman from Anse
I called "Frenchie from France."
In my arse I got painfully kicked in! by Kalleh

11. This limerick then's about Picton
Which rhymes with itself, as in "Picton."
A ferry godmother
Might have chosen another
For poets don't often cite Picton. by Jerry

12. When the cyclonic winds blow in Picton
And the wind slams the doors like they’re kicktin,
If the mains should cut out
Light the lamps, kept no doubt,
With supplies from a dry Kiwi wick tin. by Proofreader

13. A lively young lady of Picton
Had invited her friend Benedict in
For supper – she’d said –
But they soon were in bed;
To eat they’d just opened a quick tin. by timon

14. Two electoral hopefuls in Picton
Ran a race too close to predict on
Whatever one chose
Made the other oppose
Each loved what he could contradict on. by Bob

15. A dominatrix who's known to be strict in
The New Zealand town that's called Picton
Said, "I'm sure they enjoy
All the whips I employ
And the pain that I go on inflictin'." by Bob

16. Visit Seamus’s Bar, downtown Picton,
Where the ladies of night, all lipsticked in
Their high heels and tight tops,
Will pull out all the stops
To exhibit nice spots to get licktin. by Proofreader

This message has been edited. Last edited by: stella,

Deleted as duplicate entry

This message has been edited. Last edited by: <Proofreader>,

As Jeb sailed away from N.Z.
He turned to his batman and said,
“It were no fun and games
Trying to say their towns’ names.
And their accent were hurting my head.”

2 & 13

14 and 15

12 (first choice) and 15 (second choice).

I think that, as one who has submitted a piece, I would prefer not to vote. It's impossible for me to be unbiased if I have a personal interest.

Having said which, there are some excellent submissions here, the more creditable since the word is difficult to rhyme.

While respecting your viewpoint, Richard, I suspect that if all those who have submitted were to adopt it, there wouldn't be a lot of members left to vote. Since voting for one's own piece(s) is practically excluded, I have not myself found it difficult to ignore my own and choose among the other submissions.

quote:

Since voting for one's own piece(s) is practically excluded

If it were completely excluded then I would go along with the idea; as it is there's this somewhat ambigious instruction that those who vote for their own work will get, or maybe will not get, some points. So if they vote for themselves they may, or may not, do themselves a favour. And then what happens to their second choice vote? Does that attract 1 point (as it's second) or 3 points (as the previous vote doesn't count?).

It's not easy to sort out a fair and reliable voting system and clarity is vital - even in a light-hearted vote such as this.

OK. For those who didn’t read my mind, the intention behind “votes for one’s own work will merit half a point (if that)” was tongue in cheek for “don’t vote for yourself”, just as when there’s been a sole judge, then that person hasn’t entered their own limericks into the competition.

Sorry if that wasn't completely clear. I hope it is now.

Many thanks, Stella.

I am a literal sort of person and tend to take everything at face value. Now that I understand what you meant then I will vote as follows:

1st 13
2nd 12

1. 16
2. 2

I realize some folks are addicted to multiple submissions -- we won't name names -- and I think anyone submitting more than one lim, even if they constitue a series, should designate to the compiler which one they wish to have judged at the end of the contest. That way, as Richard says, everyone will be equally represented and sheer numbers won't count in the final analysis and voting.

By the way, my choices were in one-two order.

It seems to me that multiple submissions may also reduce the author's chance of winning.

Suppose I have submitted four pieces, A, B, C, and D, and each of them gets two votes, but someone else's piece gets 4. If I'd only submitted A, maybe it would have attracted the votes of those who like B, C, and D, and I 'd have got 8.

It's all speculation, but I don't think the case is made for limiting authors to one submission (and it's more fun the more there are).

quote:

If I'd only submitted A, maybe it would have attracted the votes of those who like B, C, and D, and I 'd have got 8

Or maybe the other guy would have gotten them all, except for the two original A votes.

I whined about not winning. I regret that (in all fairness, Bob warned me!), and now I feel responsible for creating some indecision, and maybe a little bit of havoc, here.

I really am sorry, and I support going back to the original way this started. Submit as many as you like (I normally submit one, but others love to submit more); the winner judges the next set. And so on.

If I feel the need to whine, I will whine about not winning to Shu.

Shall we just play this one out and see how it goes, since the ball is already rolling?

I agree about multiple entries, Kalleh. It’s a fun competition and people like reading whatever you enter even if it doesn’t win. I think the idea for sharing the judging came about to try and avoid a situation where the same people who like a similar style of limerick were choosing that kind of limerick all the time. Does that matter? I don’t know, but it seemed like a good idea to try something different and see how it went.

Will it work? I don’t know that either - so far, five people have judged and each has chosen a different winner.