OK, these have been around awhile, but they still crack me up each time I see them!

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of this year's winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

Have you heard anymore?

Lunatic: an odd movement of the man in the moon.

Punch bowl: Violent version of the ball and ten pins game.

Fly fishing: Trolling with your zipper. (One often catches snappers this way)

Condominium: Prophylactic palace.

Condiments: The name of the restaurant in the above palace.

Psychopath: The walkway around the mental hospital.

I have a good one, which may get bounced for pornographic reasons, but....

Semen: A woman who only sees men!

When my son was about five, he had the toys "Construx". He was all over the house one day, looking for something. When I asked what the problem was he said, "I can't find the Construxtions and I can't build the tower I want to build." I knew exactly what he wanted, and found them for him.

One of my personal favorites is

ignoranus: an ignorant a**-hole. [blush]

I thought an ignoranus was one who paid no attention to a**holes

But then, I think assimilate means to add to the gravity of one's bottom. I also think that the coccyx is on the wrong side of the pelvis. Speaking of pelvises, I wonder what Homeric legends have to do with them. There's the Iliad, the ischium, and the ever-popular pubis, the place where Irish Romans go to get drunk.

Asa,
Your reference to medical terms reminds me of some of my favorite medical names used on exams for students:
Pat Tellah
Alka Losis
Princes Di Oxide
Ima Drunkk
I. Kant Breethe
Iva Klott
Rufus Leaking (has urinary problems)
Then, one of my favorites is: Lucinda Streets (she develops an STD, of course!)

"Pat Tellah"

I'd heard it as "Pat Ella on the knee."

And don't forget that they call the upper arm bone the the humerus because the funny bone is at one end!

incompatiblity (in a marriage): -- have you noticed how often, when a husband loses his income, his wife loses her pattability?

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.



OK, OK. So they aren't real words! They sound good tho.

A metapoint:

This thread is titled "Funny definitions". I've heard that the generic term for such things daffynitions.

the barmaid there: Connie Lingus.Ÿ

"ever popular pubis, where irish romans go to get drunk

the barmaid there: Connie Lingus."
_________________________________

So, did you ever fly on Air Lingus without looking at the flight attendant's name tags?

Cross ventilation...an angry wind

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

DEFENSE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

quote:

---

WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

---

Shakespeare claimed there are seven ages of man. Not so; there are only three:
1. Tri-weekly
2. Try weekly
3. Try weakly

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

LOOK OUT!: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. (OOPS...is this me?)

And my personal favorite...
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Just heard this one...

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh*t before

booby trap

Tinman

Destructions: combination of instructions and directions.

Great to see you here, amnow, and I love yours!

honest - How a bird hatches her eggs.

Dinosaur

How Dino feels the day after the marathon.