Do forgive me. This tale ends with a fine piece of linguistics, but there is no way to remove or make less explicit its sexual content.

Some friends and I were discussing the fact that with every kind of animal in the mammal group -- other than humans -- the female does not seem to much enjoy having sex. She is sexually active only in brief annual perionds of heat, and even then her expression during sex does not suggest that she finds it particularly pleasurable.

"Why should this be so?" we speculated. Could it be because most other mammals are hairier than human beings? For example (I was told), a tom-cat even has hair along the shaft of his penis. Consider: whichever direction that hair runs, some strokes during in the sex act will run "against the grain", and thus the tom-cat will actually be painful to his mate during sex.

No wonder she doesn't much enjoy sex, when every tom's dick is hairy.

Well, Shufitz, it really is funny. However, I do hope that Maeve isn't lurking on the board!

I heard a version of this in about fifth grade, when girls would jump rope to, "Tom, Dick, or Harry: who should I marry? I'll marry tom, 'cause Tom's dick is hairy." Yeah, GIRLS sang that!

quote:

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Yeah, GIRLS sang that!

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Well, boys don't usually skip rope unless they're in training for boxing or similar.

quote:

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"Tom, Dick, or Harry: who should I marry? I'll marry tom, 'cause Tom's dick is hairy."

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mg! I remember this!

mg! I remember this!
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Morgan, you're sick! Glad to hear it!

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Morgan, you're sick! Glad to hear it!

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Oh, Asa, that is the sweetest thing you have said to me all day, hon!

Shufitz, I'd be a lion cheetah if I said I wasn't feline happy picturing that tom catamountain her. You got any lynx to a picture of Himalayan her? Is there any way to make their Balinese-ier?

Forgive this tigression. Asa, do you think we could continue this doggeral with some other animals?

Here's a little ditty for you all by Kip Addotta

It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year
I was driving in downtown Atlantis
My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray, and it was overheating
So I pulled into a Shell station
They said I'd blown a seal
I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, okay pal?"
While they were doing that I walked over to a place called the oyster bar -- a real dive
But I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins
I said, "Hi, Gil!!!"
You hafta yell, he's hard of herring

Here's the rest!

Forgive this tigression. Asa, do you think we could continue this doggeral with some
other animals?
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CATharsis through DOGgerel? Oh, if only MEWsamuse were here, or perhaps safi could help with the CAT CHAT (a little Franco/American pun there) Now tell me, when you were little, did you shave your TABBY using BURMESE shave? I know you're LION in wait to privide LYNX to this thread.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak
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So you want they should stand up in a kayak? Did you notice that "kayak" is a palindrome, both verbally and physically? It's the same on both ends. I wonder if Kayak in Aleut means "which end is which?"

Hey, Shufitz, I've figured out why the she-cat didn't enjoy sex. It had nothing to do with Tom's appendage; she was suffering from the cramps associated with CATamenia.

Giving full credit to arnie's cite to the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, but recognizing that readers may not have time to go through it all, here's my favorit. The author is Matthew Chambers of Hambleton WV.

Chief Inspector Blancharde knew that this murder would be easy to solve-despite the fact that the clever killer had apparently dismembered his victim, run the corpse through a chipper-shredder with some Columbian beans to throw off the police dogs, and had run the mix through the industrial-sized coffee maker in the diner owned by Joseph Tilby (the apparent murder victim)--if only he could figure out who would want a hot cup of Joe.

run the corpse
through a chipper-shredder
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After seeing the movie, Fargo, I laughed at the scene of the crook's leg sticking out of the hopper of a chipper-shredder. A major manufacturer of chipper-shredders is located in Fargo.

OMG! Hic, you got my laugh of the week! That is a hoot.

The French, overwhelmingly favored to win the Battle of Agincourt, threatened to cut a certain body part off of all captured English soldiers so that they could never use it again. The English won in a major upset and waved the body part in uestion at the French in defiance.

What was this body part?

It of course, the middle finger, without which it is impossible to draw the renowned English longbow. This famous weapon was made of the native English yew tree, so the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking yew". When the victorious English waved their middle fingers at the defeated French, they announced, "See! PLUCK YEW!"

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird". Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'f'. Thus the words with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

This is complete and utter tosh. To to the excellent debunking on snopes I will just add that the middle finger is not used in that manner in England, although it is used in continental Europe.

The English equivalent is the V-sign, formed with the middle and index fingers, with the back of the hand facing the object of derision. Churchill took this gesture and turned his hand around, so that the palm of his hand was facing outwards, to form the "V for victory" sign.

Utter tosh indeed! a completely tall tale

I have heard the one-finger salute referred to as the anserine gesture.

While using my middle finger to pick my nose, I read about the two squirrels who found an orphaned baby rabbit. They took the baby in and raised it as their own, teaching the bunny the sciurine way of life. Upon hitting puberty, the bunny realized that he was not like the other squirrels, so ensued the great, traditional, "facts of life" talk. It was not until then that the rabbit realized that he seemed so different because he was adopted. "We couldn't have loved you more had you been our own son, the mother squirrel said." The father squirrel added, "We want you to live as a rabbit if that's what suits you. So, don't scurry, be hoppy.

I just stumbled across this, in a book indicating that it appeard in the Moblie (Alabama) Register of August 12, 1892:

A tree toad loved a she-toad
Who lived up in a tree.
She was a two-toed tree toad
But a three-toed toad was he.

The three-toed tree toad tried to win
The she-toad's nuptial nod,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the road
The two-toed tree toad trod.

Hard as the three-toed tree toad tried,
He couldn't reach her limb.
From her tree toad bower, with her V-toe power
The she-toad vetoed him.