Here are the various submissions, posted in order of receipt. I will comment on each of them once the results are in. Some of the nomenclature may be unfamiliar and, where the author has submitted an explanatory note or notes, these have been included.

Question:
1.
To enjoy a vacation in Roffey,
You’ll need an injection of coffee
And if that doesn’t work
Then don’t act like a jerk –
Take a sight-seeing tour to the offie.

Note. An "offie" is an off-licence, the name in the UK for a liquor store, selling drink for consumption off the premises (as opposed to a pub, which has an "on-licence")

2.
There once was a woman of Roffey
Who gave away favours for toffee,
And for chocolate and cake.
Well, wow what a mistake!
The pounds she piled on turned men off-ee.

3
The person promoting poor Roffey
Suggests that it's easy to scoff, he
Can find nothing to say
That won't drive folks away:
They can't attract tourists for toffee.

Notes:
(a)
http://www.aboutbritain.com/towns/roffey.asp

(b)
"Can't do it for toffee" is a British idiom, meaning someone is quite incompetent at something)

4
A chain-smoking Prof. down from Roffey
Was partial to quaffing a coffee,
And we once found him choking
While drinking and smoking
When he also tried scoffing a toffee.

5
There once was a leggy from Roffey
Whose form was in such a trough 'e
Was smashed to the pickets
Till at last he took wickets
By switching from leggy to offy.


6
A lad I once knew lived in Roffey;
He'd walk through their park and jack off; 'e
Would piss off the parkie
Who'd get really snarky
And soak his Y-fronts with hot coffee! (Ouch!)

7
Seems they ‘anged a poor ‘omo in Roffey.
By the neck they just ‘anged that poor toff. 'E
Were not ach’aly queer
‘Cause I’m tellin’ you, dear.
‘E ‘ad paid seven quid just to boff me.

8
Well, excuse me, but why act so huffy?
You’re disheveled and really quite scruffy.
Your lipstick is smeared
And your accent is weird.
Oh, of course! You’re a native of Ruffey!

Choices:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.

 

<Bump>

I voted already but let's get a few more: at the moment it's a four-way tie.

Indeed. And the standards are pretty high, too.

Only five votes so far - come on, everyone!

Roffey is such a major metropolis that if you follow the link in limerick 3 and click on "Map of Roffey", Roffey isn't even marked on its own map!

I just voted - not that my vote made the picture any clearer.

I'll leave it open a little longer. Still only 6 votes, including my own.

Another vote! Now it's 7 in total - but still no clear winner. Another day or so.

I'll announce the winner on Monday - if there's no clear majority I will use my own vote to break the tie.

Sorry - a few dramas today meant that I didn't get a chance to sort this out. Tomorrow, I hope.

Well, the people have spoken And it's a tie! By one of those coincidences that happen, yesterday the results for the elections to the Board of the Institute of Travel and Tourism were announced and, for the first time in the organisation's history, there was a tie - between me and another candidate. The Chair has the casting vote in such circumstances and he chose to vote for me. Rough luck on the other fellow - but that's democracy for you.

Back to this competition, limerick number 1 and limerick number 4 each received two votes and so it falls to me to cast the decider - and I will vote for limerick 4. Although both were good, to my mind 4 had the edge in view of its internal rhymes in lines 1, 2 and 4. And the winner therefore is...Greg S.

The limericks, in order of posting, were by:

1. Michael Daws

2. Bob Hale

3. Bob Hale

4. Greg S

5. Greg S

6. Kalleh

7. Proofreader

8. Proofreader

Comments on the limericks (only my opinion, of course)

Michael's was very good - especially in the use of the jargon term, "Offie" - which establishment would be well-patronised by the residents of a place like Roffey.

Both of Bob's were of his usual high standard, although the first was marred by the near-rhyme in L5.

Greg's number 4 was a worthy winner, although I preferred his number 5. I suspect that maybe the cricketing jargon was sufficiently impenetrable to lose him some of the US votes.

Kalleh's was a worthy entry, replete with the vulgarity that festoons all the best limericks. I am surpised it didn't do better. It gains approval from me, also, because Kalleh took the trouble to find out that there is a place called "Roffey Park". That it's not the kind of park you walk around in, being in fact a management college, does not detract from her diligence.

Proofreader's number 7 was excellent although, like Bob's, was marred by the L5 near rhyme. A shame really since, by changing the person, it could have worked perfectly:
"...O'id paid seven quid just to boff 'e..."
His number 8 appealed to me (knowing Roffey as I do) but it seems it didn't find favour with others.

So overall a fine collection of limericks and, in normal fashion, I pass the mantle over to Greg S and ask that he chooses the next destination.

I had also voted for Greg's limerick number 4, so I agree it was a worthy winner.

Thanks Richard! I too preferred my Limerick 5 but am happy to win nonetheless. I will Post a new game shortly.

For the Americans' benefit my Limerick 5 uses cricket jargon. You can think of cricket as Baseball with 2 "batters" (batsmen) at a time, and 2 Bases. One batsman faces the "pitcher" (bowler) at one end who "pitches" (bowls) the ball at the batsman. The bowler must deliver the "pitch" (ball) with a predominantly straight arm, he cannot throw it. The batsmen complete a run by each running to the other's "base" (wicket), or by hitting the ball to the boundary (4 runs) or over the boundary on the full (6 runs). When running between wickets the batsmen may complete as many runs as they are able without being run out.

Like Baseball the main ways a batsman can be dismissed is by being caught, or run out - breaking the stumps at one end (which is not dissimilar to throwing the ball to a base) before the batsman gets there. Also not dissimilar to a batter being struck out, if the bowler can make the ball get through the batsman's defences and break the stumps (actually dislodge the bails sitting loosely on top of the three stumps), the batsman is out.

There are eleven players in each team. There are only 2 innings for each team, and for one side to be out the fielding side must dismiss 10 of the 11 batsmen (there must always be 2 in at a time) or the batting captain may declare his innings closed any time he likes.

Six (legal) deliveries in a row by a bowler from one end constitutes an over, which is then followed by another over this time from the other end by a different bowler. A bowler can be given as many overs as his captain wants him to have, but he cannot bowl 2 overs in a row.

The 2 wickets (bases) are 22 yards apart in the middle of the field of play, and there are no such things as foul hits.

There are different types of bowlers, the fast bowlers try to deceive the batsmen with pace and by swinging the ball (in the same way a pitcher throws a curve ball). The slow bowlers impart spin on the ball to make it deviate its line after biting into the pitch.

Assuming a right-handed batsman and a right-handed spin bowler. A Leg-break is a delivery that has anti-clockwise spin imparted to the ball by the bowler twisting his wrist at the point of delivery and the ball cuts back after bouncing on the pitch from the side the batsman's legs are (the Leg side) to the other side (called the Off side). He is referred to as a Leg-break bowler or simply a Leggy for short. An Off-break is a delivery that has clockwise spin imparted to the ball by the bowler flicking his fingers at the point of the delivery and the ball cuts back from the Off side towards the batsman's Leg side. He is referred to as an Off-break bowler or simply an Offy for short.

A good Leggy is generally more dangerous than a good Offy because when twisting his wrist on delivery if the ball comes out of the back of his hand it will have clockwise spin and turn like an off-break. Such a delivery is called a "wrong 'un" or "googly". The very best leggies can bowl either a leggy or a googly without the batsman being able to pick which way the ball is spinning and therefore which way it is going to break off the pitch.

In a proper cricket match, the game is complete when both teams have completed both innings or when one has completed both its innings, but the other team has accumulated more runs in one innings or in one and however much they need of their second innings to pass the other team's 2 innings total. The match is called a Test Match and is played over 5 days of 6 hours play each day. A tie is when both teams complete both innings and the sum of each team's 2 innings is the same.

But a Draw (which is unfortunately quite common) is when after 5 days of play, the game is incomplete. Imagine that, 30 hours of play and no result.

Hopefully now Limerick 5 will mean something to you. The Roffey Leggy was clearly not a great bowler because to get the ball to turn the other way he had to become an Offy, when all he really had to do was learn how to bowl a "wrong 'un".

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Greg S,

quote:

Kalleh's was a worthy entry, replete with the vulgarity that festoons all the best limericks. I am surprised it didn't do better.

Don't be. Somehow mine are jinxed.