1.
At a kid’s birthday party in Perth
A clown who was lacking in mirth
Told old jokes, not new
That were tasteless and blue
He was cheap ‘coz that’s all he was worth.

2.
There was a big fellow of Perth
Who had a most prodigious girth
He was almost round
So just to astound
He posed as a globe of the earth

3.
A pregnant young woman of Perth
One Sunday morning gave birth
To four ducks and three cats
And a fine brace of rats
Which accounts for her previous girth

4.
I finally ventured from Perth
Where I had been dwelling since birth.
Toured world and decided
The hype was misguided
Our >hiccup< craft beer has most worth.

5.
When the aliens visited Earth
They stopped for a coffee in Perth
But were overcharged lots
For it seems they did not
Understand what a dollar was worth

6.
An unpleasant young fellow from Perth
Had inflated ideas of his worth;
He might start with a joke
But he's stumble and choke
And then he would stand there and curth.

7.
Young Peter Peckham of Perth
Was a lad full of frolick and mirth
'Til japing and joking
Miss Mary he's poking
His mirth went away at the birth

8.
In Sydney or Melbourne or Perth
Australians are quite down-to-Earth.
It may seem quite blunt
But if they say you’re a…
It’s possibly all that you’re worth.

9.
Met Sue on the night train to Perth
She weighed twenty stones with wide girth
We gave it a go
But ended below
With Joe, sound asleep in his berth

10.
The end came while he was in Perth
The last man alive on the Earth
It was Apocalypse then
Armageddon, amen.
He survived and increased his net worth*.

(*Well naturally, as sole survivor he now owned a whole planet, albeit a radioactive one.)

This message has been edited. Last edited by: haberdasher,

have you noticed that you accidentally included my name on one of mine?

#3 for me.

My vote for 6 has disappeared

I am an imperfect proofreader. Error noted, and removed.

quote:

Originally posted by BobHale:
My vote for 6 has disappeared

That means it just re-appeared?

Just love that #3! Worthy of Mother Goose, & gets my vote.

I don't think it matters if I out myself as the writer of number three so I'd like to add that, unlikely as it may seem, it is based on the true story of Mary Toft.

Tee hee. Who knew? I was reminded more of Edward Lear

quote:

Originally posted by haberdasher:
Tee hee. Who knew? I was reminded more of Edward Lear

I am an admirer of Lear but it has to be said that he was completely useless at punchlines.

Edward Lear taught me the word "runcible."

quote:

Originally posted by BobHale:
I don't think it matters if I out myself as the writer of number three so I'd like to add that, unlikely as it may seem, it is based on the true story of Mary Toft.

Bizarre, disgusting, and hilarious!

At least this round was educational!

quote:

Originally posted by haberdasher:
Edward Lear taught me the word "runcible."

I would have guessed it was that grotesque Russian Jewish Indian taylor-turned lexicographer Anu Gargoil

Runcible - what Basil Fawlty would cry after a disaster at Fawlty Towers hotel?

quote:

Originally posted by BobHale:
Runcible - what Basil Fawlty would cry after a disaster at Fawlty Towers hotel?

quote:

Originally posted by BobHale:
I am an admirer of Lear but it has to be said that he was completely useless at punchlines.

...and I see his limericks generally have the same word in lines 1 and 5. It's apparently deliberate, as far as he's concerned.

If there is no further discussion, it being three weeks since the candidates were posted, I'll bring the matter to a vote," ordered Mr Roberts.

quote:

Originally posted by haberdasher:

quote:

Originally posted by BobHale:
I am an admirer of Lear but it has to be said that he was completely useless at punchlines.

...and I see his limericks generally have the same word in lines 1 and 5. It's apparently deliberate, as far as he's concerned.

His last line is almost always a slight paraphrase of his first line which is why I said he's useless at punchlines. Almost every one of his limericks can be improved with a little thought...

Here are a couple with my alternative last lines in brackets

There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, "I'm afloat! I'm afloat!"
When they said, "No, you ain't!"
he was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
(For they’d drained everything from the moat.)

There was an Old Man of the Wrekin,
Whose shoes made a horrible creakin';
But they said, "Tell us whether
your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?"
(He said "cardboard, that's why they are leakin')

There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold;
So he purchased some muffs,
some furs, and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself well from the cold.
(He was warm but a sight to behold.)

There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So to keep him awake
they fed him with cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
(That was filled with amphetamine creams.)


See what I mean?

Rheims is pronounced "reams?"

Yes. That's how I pronounce it.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: BobHale,

Was that where the Uncle Reamus stories were written? Weren't they political fairey tales?

Sorry it's taking me so long to finish this cycle - medical crisis in the family is occupying much of my time at the moment. I hope to be able to put names to the limericks shortly.

So - here are the candidates, rewritten along with their progenitors:

--------------------------

1.
At a kid’s birthday party in Perth
A clown who was lacking in mirth
Told old jokes, not new
That were tasteless and blue
He was cheap ‘coz that’s all he was worth.
- BobHale

2.
There was a big fellow of Perth
Who had a most prodigious girth
He was almost round
So just to astound
He posed as a globe of the earth
- Geoff

3.
A pregnant young woman of Perth
One Sunday morning gave birth
To four ducks and three cats
And a fine brace of rats
Which accounts for her previous girth
- BobHale

4.
I finally ventured from Perth
Where I had been dwelling since birth.
Toured world and decided
The hype was misguided
Our >hiccup< craft beer has most worth.
- bethree5

5.
When the aliens visited Earth
They stopped for a coffee in Perth
But were overcharged lots
For it seems they did not
Understand what a dollar was worth
- BobHale

6.
An unpleasant young fellow from Perth
Had inflated ideas of his worth;
He might start with a joke
But he's stumble and choke
And then he would stand there and curth.
- Haberdasher

7.
Young Peter Peckham of Perth
Was a lad full of frolick and mirth
'Til japing and joking
Miss Mary he's poking
His mirth went away at the birth
- Geoff

8.
In Sydney or Melbourne or Perth
Australians are quite down-to-Earth.
It may seem quite blunt
But if they say you’re a…
It’s possibly all that you’re worth.
- BobHale

9.
Met Sue on the night train to Perth
She weighed twenty stones with wide girth
We gave it a go
But ended below
With Joe, sound asleep in his berth
- bethree5

10.
The end came while he was in Perth
The last man alive on the Earth
It was Apocalypse then
Armageddon, amen.
He survived and increased his net worth*.

(*Well naturally, as sole survivor he now owned a whole planet, albeit a radioactive one.)
- BobHale

--------------------------

Well there you have it, Sports Fans. The voting went one vote to Number 6 (Yours truly) and two to Number 3 (BobHale).

Your job, then, (should you choose to accept it) is to choose our next destination.

As always, should you or any of your Force be caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions. Good luck, Bob.

Any further thoughts, anyone?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: haberdasher,

One thought Hab: Round up everybody you know who likes limericks and have them post them here!