April 24, 2005, 06:08
DianthusMiscellaneous Meanderings
A few years ago I had an extremely boring job which engaged my body, but not my brain. I spent the time thinking up puns and wordplay and I jotted them down. I see you have a whole category devoted to wordplay, so I thought I'd post a few of them here.
Sayings:“I’m the Pope” he pontificated.
“I don’t like Chablis” she whined.
“I’m going grey” she grizzled.
“I come from America” he stated.
“I’ve got a funny noise in my ears” she intoned.
“I’m a lazy b – “ he droned.
“I waive my rights to all this” he declaimed.
“I’ve given up bell-ringing” she extolled.
“I’ll soon get this fire going” he bellowed.
“Do you sing in the cathedral?” she inquired.
“I love that waterfall!” he gushed.
“Listen to those birds!” she chirped.
“He’s hung over!” she alleged.
“I’m going into the attic” she said, loftily.
“Be careful with that knife!” he said, sharply.
“Velvet feels so lovely” she said, smoothly.
“Who put out that light?” he asked, darkly.
“It’s over there” she said, pointedly.
“I’m a cardiac specialist” she said,heartily.
“Isn’t that the Arc de Triomphe?” he asked, archly.
“Where does this train stop?” she asked, haltingly.
“I didn’t do it” he protested, innocently.
“It’s getting dark” he stated, gloomily.
“It’s all mine” bragged the pit owner.
Miscellaneous:Did you hear about the unsuccessful paper shop? It folded.
Did you hear about the ill-fated blood corpuscles? They loved in vein.
Q. What do computer mice eat?
A. Silicon chips.
Does a balance sheet go with a counterpane?
The crooked parasol seller had a shady business.
Gardening is a growth industry.
Scientific and Medical:Antibiotic - wife of Unclebiotic
Audiologists - German car drivers
Bacteria - works canteen rear entrance
Biologists - market researchers
Blood donor - undercooked kebab
Cardiologist - woolly jumper fetishist
Cartographers - take pictures of wagons
Countdown - impoverished aristocrat
Enema - not a friend
Flu - took wing
Geologists - horse riders
Gigabyte - dog attack at a rock festival
Hertz - hire care injuries
Hippocampus - riding academy
Medicine - dodgy Greek holiday antics
Megabyte - Jaws
Meteorologists - space miners
Nuclear fission - trawling off Sellafield (a British nuclear power plant notorious for its leaks)
Ohm - is where the Art is
Pathologists - crazy paving specialists
Pharmacy - telescope
Physicists - skin eruptions filled with effervescent fluid
Psychologists - bikers
Rheumatologists - interior designers
Rigor mortis - opera by Verdi
Robot - numb bum in small boat
Rocket - what to do with a restless baby
Satellite - start a fire
Surgeon - Falstaff
Trichologists - practical jokers
Virus - go round our way
Q. What do you call a rest home for people with chest problems?
A. Thoracic Park.
Did you hear about the sclerotic blood vessel with delinquent tendencies who kept reoffending? The judge told him he was a hardened criminal and aorta know better.
Definitions:Aerate - wind speed
Baked Alaska - extreme result of global warming
Electoral - list of voters
Fanfare - supporter’s season ticket
Feedback - indigestion
General Synopsis - Greek officer
German Bight - Rottweiler
Hamlet - small pig
Hyacinth - familiar greeting
Lawsuit - solicitor’s outfit
Locomotive - stupid reason
Phonograph - telephone message pad
Porous - we’re broke
Sandwich - seaside sorceress
Tarmac - thanks, Scotty
Headlines:Successful tree surgeons open new branch.
Arts Council funding cuts to Royal Ballet. Dancers to wear one-ones. Inflation increases costs to three-threes.
Books:Chopin’s Music - by P. Anno
College Terms - by Sam Esters
Drawing and Painting - by R. Tist
Fiddle Playing - by Vi Olin
Morning - by Dawn Breaks
Ouzo Flavouring - by Anis Eed
The Narcissus Family - by Jon Quil.
Comings:Anglers get a rebate
Architects rebuild
Chefs restock
Committees are remembered
Corkscrew manufacturers and lathe operators return
Femmes fatale revamp
Hairdressers are reset
Hatters recap
Insurance staff are reclaimed
Interior decorators are rearranged
Knitters reply
Lawyers retry
Nurses are rewarded
Pop musicians regroup
Politicians recant
Postal workers resort
Poultry farmers and military usurpers recoup
Rugby players retry
Racing drivers rally
Sculptors reform
Second-time fathers are repatriated
Upholsterers recover
Goings:American televangelists are demoralised
Barristers are debriefed
Garbage collectors are trashed
Boy and girl scouts decamp
Committees are dismembered
Confidence tricksters are deployed
Drag artists are defrocked
Dressmakers are depleted
Electricians are discharged
Estate agents are dislocated
Fashion models are de/dis/exposed
Hairdressers are distressed
Headhunters are decapitated
Magicians are disenchanted
Moneylenders are discredited
Musicians are disbanded
Overcoat makers are dismantled
Painters get the brush-off
Pig farmers are disgruntled
Poker cheats are discarded
Power plant workers degenerate
Steam train drivers are dischuffed
Stokers/marksmen are fired
Street evangelists are dis/de/extracted
April 24, 2005, 12:26
Dianthusquote:
Originally posted by Kalleh:
Wow, Dianthus, we have had similar threads, but yours are magnificent!
Thanks - that list was dreamed up over several weeks
. It was during one of my periods of redundancy when I was cleaning wards in my local hospital. I carried a small notebook and pencil in my pocket and jotted things down as I thought of them, then typed it up when I got back home.
I love words and I used to play a variety of word games with my kids when they were younger. I can't drive and so we used to take the bus into town (about 1/2 hour or so each way). It kept them occupied for the entire journey and quite a way around town too.
One of the games we played was "last letter of the previous word". One player thinks of a word and says it aloud and the next has to think of another word which begins with the last letter of that word and so on until one of the players can't think of a word and drops out. So a typical round for three players would be
fruit,
tea and
apple. As they grew older we would play to a theme and all the words had to relate to animals, countries, flowers, or whatever subject we decided on.
When they were old enough, we played "malapropisms". We had conversations in which (apart from absolutely essential words to ensure that the conversation did not degenerate into complete gibberish) we substituted malapropisms for as many words as we could. A typical sentence would be something like "I went to town and bought some
erotic fruit" (instead of
exotic). We became quite skilled at that too.