A few years ago I had an extremely boring job which engaged my body, but not my brain. I spent the time thinking up puns and wordplay and I jotted them down. I see you have a whole category devoted to wordplay, so I thought I'd post a few of them here.

Sayings:
“I’m the Pope” he pontificated.
“I don’t like Chablis” she whined.
“I’m going grey” she grizzled.
“I come from America” he stated.
“I’ve got a funny noise in my ears” she intoned.
“I’m a lazy b – “ he droned.
“I waive my rights to all this” he declaimed.
“I’ve given up bell-ringing” she extolled.
“I’ll soon get this fire going” he bellowed.
“Do you sing in the cathedral?” she inquired.
“I love that waterfall!” he gushed.
“Listen to those birds!” she chirped.
“He’s hung over!” she alleged.

“I’m going into the attic” she said, loftily.
“Be careful with that knife!” he said, sharply.
“Velvet feels so lovely” she said, smoothly.
“Who put out that light?” he asked, darkly.
“It’s over there” she said, pointedly.
“I’m a cardiac specialist” she said,heartily.
“Isn’t that the Arc de Triomphe?” he asked, archly.
“Where does this train stop?” she asked, haltingly.
“I didn’t do it” he protested, innocently.
“It’s getting dark” he stated, gloomily.

“It’s all mine” bragged the pit owner.

Miscellaneous:
Did you hear about the unsuccessful paper shop? It folded.

Did you hear about the ill-fated blood corpuscles? They loved in vein.

Q. What do computer mice eat?
A. Silicon chips.

Does a balance sheet go with a counterpane?
The crooked parasol seller had a shady business.
Gardening is a growth industry.

Scientific and Medical:
Antibiotic - wife of Unclebiotic
Audiologists - German car drivers
Bacteria - works canteen rear entrance
Biologists - market researchers
Blood donor - undercooked kebab
Cardiologist - woolly jumper fetishist
Cartographers - take pictures of wagons
Countdown - impoverished aristocrat
Enema - not a friend
Flu - took wing
Geologists - horse riders
Gigabyte - dog attack at a rock festival
Hertz - hire care injuries
Hippocampus - riding academy
Medicine - dodgy Greek holiday antics

Megabyte - Jaws
Meteorologists - space miners
Nuclear fission - trawling off Sellafield (a British nuclear power plant notorious for its leaks)
Ohm - is where the Art is
Pathologists - crazy paving specialists
Pharmacy - telescope
Physicists - skin eruptions filled with effervescent fluid
Psychologists - bikers
Rheumatologists - interior designers
Rigor mortis - opera by Verdi
Robot - numb bum in small boat
Rocket - what to do with a restless baby
Satellite - start a fire
Surgeon - Falstaff
Trichologists - practical jokers
Virus - go round our way

Q. What do you call a rest home for people with chest problems?
A. Thoracic Park.

Did you hear about the sclerotic blood vessel with delinquent tendencies who kept reoffending? The judge told him he was a hardened criminal and aorta know better.

Definitions:
Aerate - wind speed
Baked Alaska - extreme result of global warming
Electoral - list of voters
Fanfare - supporter’s season ticket
Feedback - indigestion
General Synopsis - Greek officer
German Bight - Rottweiler
Hamlet - small pig
Hyacinth - familiar greeting
Lawsuit - solicitor’s outfit
Locomotive - stupid reason
Phonograph - telephone message pad
Porous - we’re broke
Sandwich - seaside sorceress
Tarmac - thanks, Scotty

Headlines:
Successful tree surgeons open new branch.

Arts Council funding cuts to Royal Ballet. Dancers to wear one-ones. Inflation increases costs to three-threes.

Books:
Chopin’s Music - by P. Anno
College Terms - by Sam Esters
Drawing and Painting - by R. Tist
Fiddle Playing - by Vi Olin
Morning - by Dawn Breaks
Ouzo Flavouring - by Anis Eed
The Narcissus Family - by Jon Quil.

Comings:
Anglers get a rebate
Architects rebuild
Chefs restock
Committees are remembered
Corkscrew manufacturers and lathe operators return
Femmes fatale revamp
Hairdressers are reset
Hatters recap
Insurance staff are reclaimed
Interior decorators are rearranged
Knitters reply
Lawyers retry
Nurses are rewarded
Pop musicians regroup
Politicians recant
Postal workers resort
Poultry farmers and military usurpers recoup
Rugby players retry
Racing drivers rally
Sculptors reform
Second-time fathers are repatriated
Upholsterers recover

Goings:
American televangelists are demoralised
Barristers are debriefed
Garbage collectors are trashed
Boy and girl scouts decamp
Committees are dismembered
Confidence tricksters are deployed
Drag artists are defrocked
Dressmakers are depleted
Electricians are discharged
Estate agents are dislocated
Fashion models are de/dis/exposed
Hairdressers are distressed
Headhunters are decapitated
Magicians are disenchanted
Moneylenders are discredited
Musicians are disbanded
Overcoat makers are dismantled
Painters get the brush-off
Pig farmers are disgruntled
Poker cheats are discarded
Power plant workers degenerate
Steam train drivers are dischuffed
Stokers/marksmen are fired
Street evangelists are dis/de/extracted

Hmmmm.... And here I thought a meteorologist was a husky physician specialising in bladder problems. And as for male ballet dancers wearing three threes, it sounds as if they could get jobs as porn stars!

Oh, yeah - an ad hoc committee is designed to increase indebtedness. That's why they're popular in government.

The sibling who was exiled from the Nunnery == Sinister.

Wow, Dianthus, we have had similar threads, but yours are magnificent!

Miscellaneous: Rogue erythrocytes

quote:

Originally posted by Kalleh:
Wow, Dianthus, we have had similar threads, but yours are magnificent!

Thanks - that list was dreamed up over several weeks . It was during one of my periods of redundancy when I was cleaning wards in my local hospital. I carried a small notebook and pencil in my pocket and jotted things down as I thought of them, then typed it up when I got back home.

I love words and I used to play a variety of word games with my kids when they were younger. I can't drive and so we used to take the bus into town (about 1/2 hour or so each way). It kept them occupied for the entire journey and quite a way around town too.

One of the games we played was "last letter of the previous word". One player thinks of a word and says it aloud and the next has to think of another word which begins with the last letter of that word and so on until one of the players can't think of a word and drops out. So a typical round for three players would be fruit, tea and apple. As they grew older we would play to a theme and all the words had to relate to animals, countries, flowers, or whatever subject we decided on.

When they were old enough, we played "malapropisms". We had conversations in which (apart from absolutely essential words to ensure that the conversation did not degenerate into complete gibberish) we substituted malapropisms for as many words as we could. A typical sentence would be something like "I went to town and bought some erotic fruit" (instead of exotic). We became quite skilled at that too.

We're playing the last letter game elsewhere in here! As for "erotic fruit," do tell me more! All I ever get is erratic fruit!

quote:

Originally posted by Asa Lovejoy:
We're playing the last letter game elsewhere in here!

Whereabouts? I've only been here a few days and I haven't sussed out all the nooks and crannies of this site yet.

quote:

As for "erotic fruit," do tell me more! All I ever get is erratic fruit!

A variation was "neurotic" fruit .

Di,

It's under Six Subjects... but I'm not sure if it's what you played with your kids. But it's fun, as most all of Wordplay is.. Welcome to the Board..

quote:

Originally posted by KHC:
Di,

It's under Six Subjects... but I'm not sure if it's what you played with your kids. But it's fun, as most all of Wordplay is..

I'll have a look at it and see .

quote:

Welcome to the Board..

Thanks .

quote:

Originally posted by KHC:
Di,

It's under Six Subjects... but I'm not sure if it's what you played with your kids. But it's fun, as most all of Wordplay is.. Welcome to the Board..

I've had a look and it is the same game . I've stuck in my two pence worth .

Lol - my mum, brother and I used to play the last letter game on the bus too! It gets self-limiting when you restrict it to a theme though (we used animals) as when we played it so many words seemed to end with the same few letters (and not enough began with those letters), so we ended up duplicating too often and shelved it.

Our favourite was simply the alphabet game where we thought of animals (alive or extinct) beginning with each letter of the alphabet. Problem is, we all knew so many animals that we seldom got past B.

We play an animal guessing game . . . well, actually several. In one game the person who is "it" gives clues about the animal until you can guess it (Simon generally stumps us). In the other, the guessers have to ask the person yes and no questions until they correctly deduce the animal. Simon stumps us on that one, too, now that I think about it. He is quite knowledgable.

quote:

Originally posted by Caterwauller:
We play an animal guessing game . . . well, actually several. In one game the person who is "it" gives clues about the animal until you can guess it (Simon generally stumps us). In the other, the guessers have to ask the person yes and no questions until they correctly deduce the animal. Simon stumps us on that one, too, now that I think about it. He is quite knowledgable.

Simon?

My son and I used to play a game called "I'm Taking a Trip, and in My Suitcase I'm Packing. . ."

One person says a word starting with "A." The next person adds an item starting with "B" as well as repeats the previous item. This goes on through the alphabet until someone can't name all the previous items. And, of course, the things don't actually have to fit in a suitcase, or make any sense whatsoever!

quote:

Originally posted by Sunflower:
My son and I used to play a game called "I'm Taking a Trip, and in My Suitcase I'm Packing. . ."

One person says a word starting with "A." The next person adds an item starting with "B" as well as repeats the previous item. This goes on through the alphabet until someone can't name all the previous items. And, of course, the things don't actually have to fit in a suitcase, or make any sense whatsoever!

I used to play that when I was a kid and then with my own kids as well. We used to take a lot of train rides too because British Rail (as it was then) used to issue a Family Railcard which offered 1/3 off adult fares and children could travel for £1 each. A "Railcard Party" could consist of any combination of 4 adults and four children and none needed to be related. I took my kids to all sorts of places and once I took my own and two of their friends on a day trip instead of having a conventional birthday party. We played these games on the train as well and we discovered that others did too because a group opposite us was playing "I'm thinking of a character". One person thinks of a character (either real or fictitious) and the others have to guess who it is by asking questions.