OK, shall we go to Bluff? It's the southern most town in NZ and just a hop, skip and a jump (and a bit of a row) from Antarctica. It's also home to the country's biggest oyster fleet; Bluff oysters, far superior to rock oysters, are a national delicacy. And of course there's a food festival! including oyster-eating and oyster-opening races.

Is there anywhere in NZ that doesn't have a food festival?
And are bluff oysters anything like Prairie Oysters?

Many years ago, my wife and I were in a restaurant outside of Denver. She pointed to the menu and asked me, "What are Rocky Mountain oysters? I thought they were only found in salt water."

I knew what they were but, in an incredible bit of brain-freeze, couldn't recall their composition. When the waiter asked if we had decided, I asked him what they were.

He could have said anything risque but he diplomatically said, "The bull needs them to remain a bull."

She ordered something else while I mentally kicked myself in my own oysters.

I am probably going to sit this one out, but I can't wait to read the rest of yours!

OK. I see that the innocent little oyster festival is bringing out the darker side of some of you. Any more bluffers?

I will have a go - but am in catch-up mode right now. Maybe later today.

Ah, the muse has just visited me...

I intend to enter, I just haven't got round to it yet. I'll get one in today or tomorrow morning.

sent now

Excellent!

Unfortunately I'm a bit short on time this am since daylight saving has just arrived but I'll post the results later today.

If you visit the city of Bluff
There’s no coke, weed, or other drug stuff.
Don’t go looking for crack --
There’s a decided lack.
The worst thing you can find there is snuff.

There's a place in New Zealand named Bluff
Where they neither smoke pot nor sniff snuff.
Before this game came down
That obscure little town
Was not nearly famous enough.

I write limericks, not off the cuff,
But the stuff that I write about Bluff
Seems to pop in my head
While I’m lying in bed.
Hey, Jerry! Do you sleep on your stuff?

Proofreader, the question that you
Are asking me as if you knew
Is a bit overdone
To be very much fun
For I'm caught with my trousers askew.

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This message has been edited. Last edited by: <Proofreader>,

quote:

Originally posted by BobHale:
And are bluff oysters anything like Prairie Oysters?

The term Rocky Mountain oysters is more common, I believe. One newspaper article refers to it as "the delicacy that defies delicacy".

And I was amused to discover, from your link, that there is a formal term for offal of this particular kind: animelles. 47,000 ghits, but not in OED or any other on-line dictionary that I can find.

quote:

Originally posted by stella:
I'll post the results later today.

Can I beg another 24 hours from you? <fingers crossed>

24 HOURS!!! Proofreader sent me 6 in 11 minutes!!

Just kidding! Of course, we'll wait as long as it takes.

I DID NOT sent six in eleven minutes. Quality takes time.

Yes, I confess I did tweak the facts sightly for effect, and I apologise, dear Proofreader, for that cheap shot - my intention was never to cast aspersions or in any way dampen your enthusiasm for producing wonderful limericks at the drop of a hat. Heaven forfend!

Boy! I really have to learn how to make those smiley faces.

Has anyone ever SERIOUSLY thought my contributions ever contained, had the appearance of, or exuded the slightest bit of QUALITY? If anyone ever did, I hereby declare all my creations ART!

quote:

I hereby declare all my creations ART!

You should maybe submit them to the Turner Prize committee. http://news.scotsman.com/latestnews/Michelangeloo-No-ju...ner-Prize.4539916.jp

The little town of Bluff has inspired an amazing array of limericks and no-one will dispute the quality of this week's entries.

NZers are brought up believing that Bluff oysters are the best in the world. Whether this is true or not, I don’t know – but they’re certainly much nicer than the commercially cultivated kind. Bluff oysters are dredged from the sea bed, cost a small fortune and are only available for a short season, around which there is a lot of hype with helicopters going out with the fleet to bring back the first catch each year.

shufitz has mentioned Virginia oysters and asked if ours are better. Well, shu, as far as I can ascertain your Crassostrea are simultaneous hermaphrodites, while our Ostrea can alternate their own sex, but whether this affects flavour and succulence, I haven’t a clue. I discover that there’s quite a lot about oysters that I don’t know. One thing I do know, though, is that they come out of their shells if you put them in whisky. Heh, heh!

Anyway, enough preamble, here are the Bluffers -

Proofreader:

It is tuff to write stuff about Bluff
As I sit in the buff on my duff
In the hope soon enuff
As I sluff off this fluff
That Ms. Stella will think it’s good stuff.

Once an undefiled damsel from Bluff
Said, “My unarmored clothes aren’t enuff
To discourage the guys
Who’d pruy open my thuys
To attempt to stuff stuff in my muff.”

So this virginal maiden from Bluff
Made her garments all rigid and tuff
To keep all men away
From the place where they’d play
But kept condoms (in case) in her cuff.

Then a guy fed her oysters in Bluff
And to eat one or two were enuff
To get her so hot
She quickly forgot
To use rubbers -- her birthing was ruff.

Some folks say that little Miss Muff-
Et, who spent lots of time on her tuff-
Et, seduced a roister-
Ing man who did oyster-
Ing at sea off the town they call Bluff.

And this roistering, oystering tar
Was not first or last lover by far.
Once while out on a punt
She was bit on her ... front
By a spider atop her tar’s spar.


bethree:

A bawdy young lassie from Bluff
Was known to the johns as “Cream Puff”--
With miniskirt hiked to
Hips, it’s said she liked to
Spread marshmallow fluff on her muff

There is an old geezer from Bluff
Who comes about when seas are rough
Tiller thrust, he
Shouts out, “Hard alee!”
And that’s when his sail starts to luff.


Jerry:

Said an oyster whose home was near Bluff,
"I'll give you a quote off the cuff:
I'm not in the mood
To provide you with food.
I'm a pearl, you see, in the rough."

The Chef de Cuisine down in Bluff
Said the menu was lacking some stuff.
"To feed this big crew,
You must serve Oyster Stew,
And perhaps even that's not enough."

In September it's springtime in Bluff.
Some sunbathers sunbathe in the buff.
Succulent oysters
Are served in the cloisters
Always tender and never too tough.

If you sleep in your sloop around Bluff
And your mainsail commences to luff,
Just make sure that there's room
For the free-swinging boom
And all of that nautical stuff.


Richard:

Said the young man, "I've eaten enough
Of these oysters from southerly Bluff".
Said his girlfriend, "That's true,
And that's why I and you
Are both lying here, stripped to the buff".

I confess that I'd had quite enough
Of those oysters I sampled in Bluff.
Though the month had an "r"
This rule's for afar -
In the north - which is why I felt rough.


Bob:

Casanova when speaking in Bluff
Said, "I'm finding love here rather tough.
Eating so many oyster,
I'm losing the choice ta
Declare that enough is enough!"


shufitz:

When presented a taste of Bluff oyster,
The connoisseuse soon enough voiced her
Considered opinion,
“I find the Virginian
More sweet and (albeit tough) moister.”


Loads of great entries here and I have to say that in another contest, any one of these might have won – they’re that good!! There are great rhymes, almost-perfect metre and a wealth of innuendo - what more can one ask? The hardest thing is picking a winner and this time I have been truly torn.

Shu’s moister oyster entry was a real contender as were Proofreader’s thuys and Jerry’s sloop. I loved Richard’s and Bob’s entries too. However, only one can win and this time I’ve picked bethree. I forgive her for a little lumpiness and for overlooking the punctuation (perhaps in the excitement) because I think the overall effect is terrific and also because she’s prepared to push her personal boundaries for the sake of art ... or was that the prize? Anyway, whatever - three cheers for the lady with the marshmallow muff!

Stella, overcome with modest pride, I can only explain myself thus:

“My rep—I’ll risk it for art!”
she sang as she let out a fart—
a tonic-chord cheater
in 7/4 meter—
“For posterity, I’ll do my part!”

Now, limerickers, back to business:

We’ve all had enough of this Bluff schtick—
A monosyllabical fluff kick—
We’ve slummed with Peru
As rhymes go, a shmoo
Prepare, all, to roll up your cuff [sic]

cf. dactylish location at new thread

Love’s not off to a very good start
When the woman you’re with breaks a fart.
If you try to kiss her
You’re sure you will miss her
Since the fumes tend to make your eyes smart.

Congrats, Bethree! I loved your last one, too, with lines 3 & 4 in Spanish.

quote:

And I was amused to discover, from your link, that there is a formal term for offal of this particular kind: animelles.

Animelle is the perfectly ordinary, and often seen on menus, Italian word for sweetbreads.