(this was on another message board, uncredited)

Tips for Proper English

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. Remember to never split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
23. Don't never use a double negation.
24. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
25. Do not put statements in the negative form.
26. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
27. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
28. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
29. A writer must not shift your point of view.
30. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
31. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
32. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
33. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
34. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
35. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
36. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
37. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
38. Always pick on the correct idiom.
39. The adverb always follows the verb.
40. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; they're old hat; seek viable alternatives.

Other Versions:
1.Don't abbrev.
2.Check to see if you any words out.
3.Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
4.About sentence fragments.
5.When dangling, don't use participles.
6.Don't use no double negatives.
7.Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
8.Just between you and I, case is important.
9.Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
10.Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
11.Its important to use apostrophe's right.
12.It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.
13.Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.
14.Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should
begin with a capital and end with a period
15.Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.
16.In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas
to keep a string of items apart.
17.Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.
18.Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
19.Avoid unnecessary redundancy.
20.A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
21.Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.
22.A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.
23.Avoid cliches like the plague.
24.It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
25.Profanity sucks.

Lol - excellent .

Thanks for posting that. I've seen it, or similar versions, before, but it is amusing.

quote:

20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
35. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

Oh come on, this is just lazy. : )

Great, hepburn (Audrey or Katharine?)

Here are my 2 downfalls:

6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. --I use them too much, I know.

31. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!--I love exclamation marks! (Thank heavens for emoticons )

oh I love a good parenthesis!

Audrey or Katharine? BOTH! xx

Reviving a thread
I know we've talked about exclamation marks (points) a number of times, so I just revived the first thread I found. I enjoyed this article about the use of exclamation points.

quote:

It's not that I picture the sender jumping up and down with pompoms, but I like the sense of commitment or urgency or care that the person is signaling. The people I work with who use exclamation points get back to me quickly, turn things on a dime, and seem gracious in the process.

It's hardly a randomized, control trial on the character of those who use exclamation points versus those who don't, but I see her point.

quote:

Based on the e-mails that appear on my screen, it seems women use exclamation points more than men. And it seems younger people — are they less inhibited or less likely to care about grammar? — use exclamation points more than older people.

Well, I meet one of the criteria.