LaughLab has culled through over 40,000 jokes submitted by readers to find the world's funniest joke. And the winner is...!

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

(www.laughlab.co.uk) Scan their links page, too (www.laughlab.co.uk/links.html)
What do you think? What's your favorite joke?

Tinman

P.S. The second best joke (according to LaughLab) used the word "horologically". Is that a legitimate word?

Speaking of elephants...

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How can you breathe out of that little thing?

Tinman

Holmes and Watson were camped out on a heath. Holmes asks Watson, "Look up, and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see stars." "And what does that mean to you, Holmes queries. Watson avers, with so many stars, and many planets visible to the naked eye, it suggests the great expanse of the universe, and our infinitessimally small part in it, and..." "Watson!!" Holmes interrupts. "It means that someone has stolen our tent!

Holmes and Watson were camped out on a heath. Holmes asks Watson, "Look up, and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see stars." "And what does that mean to you, Holmes queries. Watson avers, with so many stars, and many planets visible to the naked eye, it suggests the great expanse of the universe, and our infinitessimally small part in it, and..." "Watson!!" Holmes interrupts. "It means that someone has stolen our tent!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are walking through a rather shady part of Londontown after concluding one of their cases. They pass by a gay bar. Holmes pauses and tells Watson that he often frequents the establishment. Watson is stunned to learn that his friend has homosexual tendencies and then admits that he does too. "Then let us retire to my apartments in Baker street," suggests Holmes.

When they arrive, Holmes prompts Watson to drop his trousers, who watches on in amazement as Holmes takes a lemon, cuts it in half and places the lemon cup on the tip of his member and prepares to hump him. "What in God's name are you doing?" exclaims Watson.

"Why, it's a lemon-entry, my dear Watson!"

An old man on his death bed, preparing himself to die, all alone. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath of from his oxygen tank and starts to drift away. As he takes one last breath he smells cookies...chocolate chip cookies? Hot, fresh cookies, right out of the oven! He thinks to himself, "what a wonderful wife I have, she knows I'm ready to leave this life, and she is making my favorite food in the world for me."

He drags his poor old body out of bed and crawls to the top of the stairs, dragging his oxygen behind him. Takes another deep breath and smells hot cookies...such a wonderful smell. Such a wonderful woman.

He crawls down the stairs and into the dining room, the oxygen bottle dragging behind him. There on the table is a virtual sea of hot, fresh, chocolate chip cookies. "What a wonderful woman I am married to," he thinks. With his last remaining breath, he reaches up to grab a cookie.

WHAAAPPPPPP!!! He gets hit in the hand by a spatula. She yells at him, "Git your hands offa dem cookies. They's fer da funeral!"

Did you know that, in the entire panoply of Sherlock Holmes stories, that phrase was NEVER used?

Richard English

A linguist who was convinced that parrots could understand human speech spent many years training his parrot to understand several hundred English words, but could never get coherent syntax from him. Just as he was ready to admit failure, the parrot squawked, "Look out, the ceiling's falling!" Sure enough, a large chunk of ceiling came crashing down upon the linguist, striking him dead. The parrot looked down, then said to himself, "Sheesh, he spends ten years teaching me to talk, then when I do, does he listen? Nooooo."

Why, it's a lemon-entry, my dear Watson!"
********************************************
Considering what he was about to do, I'd think it was alimentary.

Two penguins are standing on an ice floe.
One says to the other, "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo."
The second replies, "What makes you think I'm NOT wearing a tuxedo?"

A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre so he gave it to her.

One of the posters over at snopes has a signature line that reads

A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Can I have a beer and a mop?"

Well I liked it.

si hoc legere scis nimium eruditiones habes

Read all about my travels around the world here.

Heard this one (involving Vigaro, which is pronounced VIG-a-roh) the other day:

An old farming couple, married for over 50 years, were getting ready for bed when the husband announces to his wife that he has a special treat for her. She asks what it is but he'll only hint that he's been taking Vigaro for a week. "Dear, I think you mean Viagra" she explains. "Vigaro is a brand of plant food."

"Hmmm..." he ponders, thoughtfully. "Well, that would explain the tomatoes."


And along slightly similar lines:

A woman taking hormone treatments complained to her doctor about some unfortunate side effects. "Doctor, I'm developing chest hair!" "Well," the doctor replied, "that's probably nothing much to worry about. How far down does it go?"

"All the way to my testicles."


And the moral, of course, is that no matter how bad you have it, there's always someone who has it worse.

quote:

---

How far down does it go?

---

Hair, or down?

In another recent thread there is mention of an article entitled "What do you think of this outfit, Deer" which brought to mind the following George Burns/Gracie Allen exchange:

Gracie: My cousin wanted to teach his kids the value of hunting safety so he always wore a bright orange hat when he was in the woods.

George: And he never got shot?

Gracie: Not in the hat, no.


(If anyone was overly put off by my last post in this thread, I hope this one evens things out!)

I doubt if anyone was "put off", CJ. This is most definitely all in fun.

I am not a good jokester, as I have alluded to in another thread. In fact, I am just plain awful. The possible reason may be genetic. Here is my mother's all-time favorite joke:

Daughter tells father that she is going to marry a young man. Father tells her, "He doesn't even make enough money to hold you in toilet paper!" Daughter's fiance asks his betrothed what her father said. Daughter: "He says you're full of sh--!"

That's it folks. That's my mom's favorite joke of all. No wonder I can't tell a joke!

[This message was edited by Kalleh on Fri Nov 29th, 2002 at 13:07.]

Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

Three elderly nuns, Sister Mary, Sister Agnes, and Sister Elizabeth, are killed in a car accident and are immediately transported to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and informs them that they must each correctly answer a question before they will be allowed to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. The nuns looked at each other in surprise. Hadn't they devoted their lives to God and lived by His precepts? And now they must take a test to get into Heaven? Nevertheless, they nodded assent to Saint Peter, and he began his questioning.

Saint Peter asked Sister Mary, "Who was the first man on earth?"

The nuns all breathed a collective sigh of relief. This was going to be an easy test. "Adam," said Sister Mary.

"Correct!" The bells rang, the Pearly Gates swung open, and Sister Mary entered the Kingdom of Heaven.

Saint Peter turned to Sister Agnes and asked, "Who was the first woman on earth?"

Sister Agnes smiled and replied, "Eve".

"Correct!" Again the bells rang and the Pearly Gates swung open. Sister Agnes entered with her head held high.

Sister Elizabeth was all smiles. The questions were so easy. She was looking forward to joining Sister Mary and Sister Agnes in Heaven.

Saint Peter asked her, "What were the first words spoken on earth?"

Sister Elizabeth was stunned. The other questions had been so easy. She knew of no biblical reference to the first words spoken on earth. Perplexed, she scratched her head and said to herself, "Boy, that's a hard one!"

"Correct!" The bells rang, the Pearly Gates swung open...

Tinman

[This message was edited by tinman on Sun Nov 24th, 2002 at 2:24.]

Did you hear about the tractor trailer load of Viagra that was stolen in Toronto? The police are looking for some hardened criminals!

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied, he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Ms. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Ms. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three."
"Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said:
"It's easy. I just outlived the sons of bitches!"

Alright, I'll try. I recently heard the following about a personal ad that someone wrote:

Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips. I love cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight week-old black Labrador retriever.....

MEN ARE SO EASY!

Yes, it was an interesting pitch for adoption but what was the result? How many of those thousands of (supposedly disappointed) men now have new canine companions?

I saw a similar ad in a Personals Section that ran for years (so you have to assume it was successful) which ran something like:

"Single man, age 35, enjoys theatre and ballet, looking for married woman of any age with broken microwave oven. Object - to fix microwave."

The guy ran a little fix-it shop...

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, and as always, she had stayed right by his side every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come closer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?" You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were right there for me. When my business failed, you were right there. When I was in that bad car wreck, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you were always right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... "You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get away from me, before I die."

Dying husband jokes never seem to lose their appeal, at least with the more curvaceous half of the population, so here's another one for the ladies:

A man was lying on his deathbed (Note to women: Please refrain from shouting "Yay!" It's not ladylike.) when he motioned for his wife to come to his bedside to hear his last words.

In a weak, raspy voice he said "Dear, I know it's too late to do anything about it now but I just want to let you know that I realize I haven't been a good husband to you. I squandered most of my money on booze and partying with the guys and hardly ever bought you even the most inexpensive gift.

She replied, "I know."

He went on, "I left the responsibility of raising our kids entirely to you and rarely had even a word of encouragement for them or for you for that matter.

She replied, "Yes, I know."

He went on, "And then, just recently, even though you've been an absolutely perfect wife, I was considering leaving you for another woman."

Yes, Dear, I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," he thought. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Upon boarding the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. This thrilled him but since he was so shy he couldn't bring himself to speak to the Pope. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out off his bag and began working on it.

This is fantastic, the guy though, I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?

The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope. He thought for a while longer, then it hit him. Turning to the pope he said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course, of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

A posting elsewhere reminded me of an old favorite:

There once was a very wealthy woman who had indulged herself in pretty much every way her great wealth would allow. One day it dawned on her that she had never experienced a milk bath and so she ordered her butler to fill her bathtub with warm milk.

He asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" and she replied, "No, just up to my tits."

A guy moves into an apartment complex.
He's putting his name on his mailbox when he hears
a door open in the hall.
He glances towards the door and sees a gorgeous woman
dressed only in a bathrobe come out.
He tries not to look at her as she gets her mail,
but she engages him in conversation.
As they talk she turns to look down the hall and her robe
opens slightly and he notices she is wearing only the robe.
They talk a little more, and she says,
"Shhh, I think I hear somebody coming.
Could we continue this conversation in my apartment?"
He agrees to this.
As they talk in her apartment, she moves and her robe
falls to the floor and he gets a good eyeful.
She then says, "Now that you've had a good look,
what do you think is the best part of my body?"
He says, "Your ears."
She replies, "My ears? Look at these breasts, look at
this butt, look at my pussy. How can you say my ears?!"
He replied,
"Remember in the hall when you said you
heard somebody coming?
That was me."

Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
Dit-elle, "Arretez!
J'entends quelqu'un venait."
Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."

Which translates (with changes made, to rhyme) as,

There was a young plumber of Leigh
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
Said the maid, "Cease your plumbing;
I think someone's coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."

I didn't realise that the French used the Limerick form; I had always assumed that its verbal eccentricties were essentially English.

Richard English

I didn't realise that the French used the Limerick form;
******************************************
But isn't Limerick in Ireland, where English isn't the native tongue? Ah, but of course, the Irish take baths, and Bath is in England, and Waterloo is in Belgium, yet British loos have water in them too. And when a French woman takes a douche, the water's flowing down, not up. Oh, the world is such a confusing place...

Limerick is, indeed, in Ireland. The origin of the limerick is uncertain, but one theory is that it was brought back by from France by the Irish Brigade returning to their native Limerick after fighting in Europe in the 18th century.

The form, though, is probably older than that.

There is an interesting discussion at http://www.geocities.com/writersandartistsguild/newsletter5-2.html

I still believe, though, that its form is best exploited in English.

In Ireland, although Gaelic is an official language, English is universally spoken.Both English and Gaelic are official languages.

Richard English

[This message was edited by Richard English on Tue Dec 31st, 2002 at 9:46.]

And, as a sidenote, Ireland holds the record for having the smallest percentage of its population able to speak its official language.

Odder still, according to an interview I heard recently on National Public Radio (meaning it should be reliable) is the distinct possibility that this official language may completely die out within a few generations. Even now, the "official" language of Ireland is English spoken with an Irish accent!

It may be true, of course, that Irish Gaelic is dying out, although I haven't seen the references. Interestingly, though, there is a strong revival of interest in Manx and Cornish Gaelic, even though there are now no native speakers of either Cornish or Manx. (The last man to have learnt Manx at his mother's knee died around 25 years ago).

Welsh, of course, is a thriving language that has its own publications and broadcasts.

Richard English

This one's for Morgan

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words.
Finally, the agent asks: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry,ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

A guy enters a bank and walks to the front of the queue. When the teller refuses to serve him immediately she is subjected to a barrage of verbal abuse. She leaves her post and complains to the manager. The Manager comes out of his office and confronts the offender. "You can't talk to this lady like that! She's our best employee. She's been here with this bank for thirty years and hasn't taken a single sick day. She's a pillar of the community. She volunteers with six different charities on her own time. She sings in the church choir. And you come in here, jump the line, and subject her to a string of verbal abuse because she asks you to wait your turn!"
"I just won the lottery," says the guy. "I want to make a deposit."
The manager replies,"Are you telling me that this slut wouldn't serve you?"

From Hippopotamus, NY, I want to thank you LadyBeth!

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable and puts the tape into the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

Store Clerk: "Sorry about, that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?

Blonde ..." It's called 'Head Cleaner'."

From Hippopotamus, NY, I want to thank you LadyBeth!
==========================================
Yeah, and the blonde brain surgeon from there thinks that the hippocampus is where the med school's located.

It's not just blondes; my family's full of redheads, one of whom thought that a coproducer was, based on etymological evidence, a manure hauler. Copros: Greek for poop, and Ducere, Latin for draw along.

Of course, if we in the USA did things right and hyphenated such words, there would be no confusion.

Forget Friends of The Apostrophe, here's some humour for you Friends of The Colon:

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made
while he was performing colonoscopies: (Yeah, sure, but some are funny anyway)

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone
before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the
Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not,
in fact, up there?

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor. He pulled himself slowly and painfully up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

Did any of you USA residents hear the "joke show" done on Prairie Home Companion on Sunday? Some were truly horrible! For example, man to wife who has been deriding his flatulence: "The reason you never fart is because you don't shut your mouth long enough for any pressure to build up."

A blonde hears someone exclaim, "Oh, look, a dead bird." The blonde looks up and says, "Where?" A blonde sees a banana peel on the sidewalk and says, "Oh, no, here we go again!" What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian? Somebody who goes door-to-door with nothing to say

I heard this one today, and being Jewish, I laughed uproariously (I changed it a bit to fit our board!)


Here is what various cultures do when they are tired and thirsty: The Brits drink their real ale; the French drink their wine; the Italians drink their Chianti; the Gernans drink their pilsner; the Irish drink their beer; and the Jews worry that they have diabetes!

(Overheard at a wedding reception)

"What is that group of people all queued up at that table with the large bowl of colored liquid with chunks of ice and fruit floating in it?"

"That, Sir, is the punch line."

~~~ jerry

PS ==> Have we explored the Shaggy-Dog Story here?

Example ==> The youthful King of the Tribe was relaxing in a hammock under his two-story thatched house and explaining that he did not like to use the enormous chair that his late father used to sit in, so he had stashed it "upstairs." Just then the beams supporting the upper story gave way, and the young Monarch was seriously injured.

Moral to this story ==> People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.

The Difference Between The Liberal and Conservative "Debate" Over The
War On Terrorism:

Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

Conservative Answer:

BANG!

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time!

I'm putting on my f***ing shoes!"

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"


No offense intended, shu

And none taken, Beth.

Kalleh's joke reminds me that of ethnic differences when a couple gets on in years:
An Italian wife tells here husband to buy Viagra.
A Jewish wife tells her husband to buy Pfizer Chemical.

By the way, in checking the spelling of Pfizer I discovered that the official Viagra site has over 10.2 million hits. This doubtless has some implication, which escapes me at the moment but perhaps will not escape CJ.