quote:

Originally posted by Richard English:
...caiques (see the definition on OEDILF).

Wow, RE! Nice lim, congrats!!

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication

quote:

Wow, RE! Nice lim, congrats!!

Thank you.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat minor.

(Hard to know which spelling to use when it's written down...)

And if you were watching the piano drop, you'd C Flat Minor.
If you were at the bottom of the shaft, you'd B Flat Minor.
And you'd hear EEEEEEEE Flat Minor.
Anyone coming upon the scene would say, "G, Flat Minor."

Welcome aboard, Stanley.

Oo er.

I'm ever so glad you did that, really, because I now have a better idea of how outrageous I can go without being looked at like a two in a binary system.

For now though, here's another low-effort one that I love:

What do flamingoes and the gas board have in common?
They can both stick their bills up their arse.

If you want outrageous, go to the various limerick games in this section.

Welcome, Stanley. It's good to see someone else from England. We now have a good coverage from the South Coast to the West Midlands.

I do hope this fits with the forum's general feel; I confess I'm writing this when I've had far too much to drink and I may well look back on it tomorrow with immense regret:

If you want a limerick from me,
I'm sure you will not disagree,
When it comes to short rhymes,
I've rung out the chimes,
I'm a master, a lim'rick marquis.

Also, thank you all for welcoming me so warmly; I think this may be the friendliest forum I've been on, including one I'm administrator of

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Stanley,

To Stanley and any other new members:

It does really seem like a shame
That you don’t join our limerick game.
We could use some new rhymers
To join the old timers.
You might even be glad that you came.

A new limerick game with the town of Toulouse has just begun and limericks based on that rhyme should be sent to Timon. Check out the thread in this forum. For examples of previous contests, see Limerick Game: Gibraltar, Tahiti, Picton, Adelaide and some of the others in the forum.

And just remember, no matter bad or good your limericks are, you cannot possibly make any worse than mine.

If we remove the hour hand and the minute hand from a watch, what's left? A second-hand watch !

Blimey, that post last night wasn't so bad considering. I mean, the limerick rhymed, there weren't any terrible typing errors and I didn't say anything rude.

quote:

Originally posted by jerry thomas:
If we remove the hour hand and the minute hand from a watch, what's left? A second-hand watch !

Ah, that reminds me of when I looked at my watch once, got slightly confused, and then announced, "Oh, for a minutes I thought the second hand was a second minute hand."

quote:

I didn't say anything rude.

Rude? Go to the limerick threads and learn about rude, lewd, blewed, tattooed and crude.

The limerick threads aren’t just rude
They are simply no place for a prude
The words you’ll find there
Aren’t for innocent ear
Since in each one somebody gets screwed.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: <Proofreader>,

Apropos of nothing but puns .... Sign on a hospital doorway: "STAPH ONLY"

Well, if it's signs we're thinking about, my favourite is the one at a drug-addicts' rehabilitation centre: "Keep off the grass."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?', they asked, as they moved off. Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

And the variation on that one, the parrot named Chet.

One day in Paris, a washer-woman was down by the river wringing in the Seine.

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

Stop me if you heard this one.
Guy's in Iraq
Wife has twins, boy and girl.
Asked his brother to name the kids.
Comes home.
"What did you call the girl?"
"Denise."
"That's good. And the boy?"
Denephew."

And if our new participant is the father, would one child's name be Afghanistanley?

After reading "Peter Pan" to his child, the child asks his father, "Why was Captain Hook to mean to his first mate?" The father shrugs and says, "Beat Smee."

There was a programme on the telly yesterday about the invention of steam railway and such. It was called "Absolutely Chuffed" - loved it!

Did you see the following programme - about some English eccentrics who have just built a steam locomotive - from scratch - the first such built in England for nearly half a century.

The new golden age of railways is night!

Reduced scale locomotives are built quite frequently, both in the UK and in the USA. Example: http://www.livesteamlocomotives.com/

It hurts a bit less when one drops a wheel from one of these on one's foot.

Indeed, there is a thriving industry here too in miniature steam engines of all kinds. You can buy them ready-made or as castings that you machine yourself.

They tend to cost less than the £3,000,000 than the new Tornado cost, though. But having said which, I find that figure really rather reasonable; a new mainline diesel or electic locomotive, supplied from a standard design by a normal manufacturer, would cost about that.

There are several articles about the new locomotive, and this is one of the best.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1040538/Really-...-years-fires-up.html

Interestingly, and a reflection on the way that Britain has changed, this is not only the first steam locomotive built here for half a century, but it's the first mainline locomotive OF ANY KIND built in the UK for over a decade. We buy all ours from Johnny Foreigner now and our once great rail industry has gone.

We've still got one in my local area, but it's been extensively refurbished by many volunteers and many dollars.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uW6wbNrq9Go
Also see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWGc8JAWWj0&feature=related

A stunning reminder of just how good American railroads used to be, and just how much North America (Canada as well as the USA) has lost by allowing its railways to die.

Our local preserved railway is The Bluebell Line (one of the first ever preserved lines) and it is about 10 miles from here. There are several shots on YouTube, this being one http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=iQGT1Wx9ktA&feature=related

Here's one i made up.

Two lovers were walking around the park.

The guy tells the girl.

Look at that wall.

I am but all I see is that it's yellow.

That's right, said the guy.

A yellow view.

I just heard from a Middle Eastern friend who's working as an usher in Beirut. He's one of the famous Seaters of Lebanon.

Welcome sofatyrant!

Psst ... Kalleh, you're a year late.

Kalleh, you remind me of my friend Neville, who has never been with a woman. Another friend who had also had no luck with women finally lost his virginity. He exclaimed, "Better laid than Neville!"

Apply that to arnie's comment.

A Chinese sailor goes on a year-long voyage, to come home to his wife holding a new-borne who looks distressingly Caucasian.
"What's this?", he says."Two Wongs don't make a White!"
"Yes, dear", she blushed. "It was strictly Occidental."

People who have lost their toes have a much harder time balancing and walking than those who have their toes. While it seems obvious that it's a biomechanical issue, it isn't always. Sometimes it's a dietary issue. Some people are simply lack toes intolerant.

If you hurt your foot, do you call an ambulance or a toe truck?

You nailed it, Proof! Now we can go plantar selves in front of the TV and watch those arch heels spewing corn.

This one is truly outrageous. Please forgive me...it was actually Shu who came up with it.

The Shedd Aquarium in Chicago just lost a Dolphin calf. It was very sad.

Shu said, "Oh, that's too bad. The Shedd Aquarium has been decalfinated.

Yeah, it Sanka to the bottom.

Someone who would deliberately kill a dolphin baby is a calfiend.

He probably feels he has no porpoise in life.

BTW, how did dolphins come to symbolize royalty? (Dauphin in French is both "dolphin" and "prince.")

According to etymonline, the title was originally used as a personal name by members of the royal family of a province (the family's crest featured dolphins). The province was ceded to the king in 1349 on the condition that the title be carried thenceforth by the king's eldest son. Details here.

I just learned that the world's largest fast food chain will be serving monkey meat in certain markets. Soon some of us can order Big Macaques.

Try their fish and chimps.

You've probably all seen these, and maybe some of them are even here (I haven't checked), but a friend of mine just sent them to me, and some of them are a hoot, so just in case you haven't seen them before here they are:

• Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine
  
• A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  
• Dijon vu - same mustard as before.
  
• Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
  
• Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
  
• A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
  
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  
• Dancing cheek-to-cheek is a form of floor play.
  
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  
• Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
  
• Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
  
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
  
• A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
  
• What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
  
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  
• In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
  
• She was engaged to a bloke with a wooden leg but she broke it off.
  
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  
• If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
  
• The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
  
• You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  
• Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
  
• Every calendar's days are numbered.
  
• A lot of money is tainted - taint yours and taint mine.
  
• A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  
• He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
  
• A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
  
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
  
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  
• Acupuncture is a jab well done.
  

And my favourite:

• Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
  

I haven't seen many of them. Funny!