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I know we had a thread of these, but I'm too lazy to look it up. And besides, it was getting long. So I'm starting a new one. I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker, a blonde, asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was crazy and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "And where do you think you're going?!" She said, (you're gonna love this) .... "I'm going home too. I can't work in the DARK !" | ||
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Excellent! KHC sent this to me. She can't post big things on the board, so I'm posting for her. :-) Message from John Cleese to the people of the US In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary). 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. 8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. 15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 17.Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season. Thank you for your co-operation. ******* "Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~Dalai Lama | |||
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John Cleese You know, it's funny, but Mr Cleese lives in Santa Barbara, California. I've always enjoyed his humor though. —Ceci n'est pas un seing. | |||
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Yeah, you'd think he'd have noticed the occasional Mercedes and BMW toodling around SoCal. | |||
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It wasn't really John Cleese who wrote it. Snopes has a long article on this. Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life. | |||
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Yes, well, it's funny anyway. I almost didn't even give it that first line when I posted it. LOL Excellent long article, too! I especially enjoyed the rebuttals they included from the US. Funny! I particularly found this one amusing:
I have to say, though, that at least your national anthem is singable by normal people. The Star Spangled Banner is notoriously difficult because of the wide range that is required. There was a travelling group this Summer who was having a contest to find people who could sing ours accapella, and it was hard! I love the song, but invariably people start it too high.This message has been edited. Last edited by: Caterwauller, ******* "Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~Dalai Lama | |||
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Actually your own original national anthem was quite easy to sing: My country, 'tis of thee, Sweet land of liberty, Of thee I sing; Land where my fathers died, Land of the pilgrims' pride, From every mountainside Let freedom ring! But then it does use the same tune as ours... Richard English | |||
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Snopes has a long article on this. Thank you, arnie. I had seen the article online before, but hadn't thought for a moment that it mightn't be Mr Cleese's. It's like the supposed "wear sunscreen" speech, Kurt Vonnegut supposedly made as a commencement speaker at MIT. —Ceci n'est pas un seing. | |||
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your own original national anthem The Star-Spangled Banner has been the official US national anthem since March 3, 1931, and unofficially since 1916. Its lyrics are from a poem written by Francis Scott Key in 1814 celebrating the American victory over the British at Baltimore during the 1812 War. Its tune is from an old drinking song To Anacreon in Heaven, of which here is the first stanza:
I do not believe that the song My Country, 'Tis of Thee was ever the official national anthem. Its lyrics were written in 1831. —Ceci n'est pas un seing. | |||
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Heaven forfend that this dirge should ever find its way into our lexicon of popular tunes :-( If we feel like a change our choice, ipso facto, would surely be Elgar's Pomp and Circumstance March Number 1. The tune is well-known in the USA, although the words are not, as it is played at most American graduation ceremonies. Richard English | |||
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Well, the Wikpedia article does state that the song served as a de facto national anthem for much of the 19th century. So official or no it had that status. Richard English | |||
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I would prefer Blake's Jerusalem (music by Hubert Parry, orchestrated by Sir Edward Elgar) as our national anthem. I suppose, though, that its Christian sentiments would not fit our modern-day, rooting-tooting, multicultural society - even though I am not a Christian. I suppose, too, that the Scots, Welsh, and Irish might be a little peeved. And did those feet in ancient time Walk upon England's mountains green? And was the Holy Lamb of God On England's pleasant pastures seen? And did the Countenance Divine Shine forth upon our clouded hills? And was Jerusalem builded here Among those dark Satanic mills? Bring me my bow of burning gold! Bring me my arrows of desire! Bring me my spear! O clouds unfold! Bring me my Chariot of Fire! I will not cease from mental fight; Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand Till we have built Jerusalem In England's green and pleasant land. Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life. | |||
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As with Sousa's The Liberty Bell march, I first heard Blake's poem set to Elgar's music during an episode of Monty Python. —Ceci n'est pas un seing. | |||
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According to this site, Until 1931, there was no officially proclaimed anthem of the United States, however, the song "Hail Columbia!" was used quite often in the capacity of a national anthem. (Other songs which were prominently used during the 19th century for a national anthem was "The Star Spangled Banner", and, to a slightly lesser extent, "Yankee Doodle" and "My Country, 'Tis of Thee" (which has the same tune as the British national anthem.))" | |||
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My reservations about Jerusalem is to do with its words, not its music. It is very condemnatory about the very thing, the industrial revolution, that was the foundation of Britain's wealth at the time. Benson's celebratory, if jingoistic, words match so well with Elgar's stirring music that it is very much more uplifting than Jerusalam. Land of Hope and Glory, Mother of the Free, How shall we extol thee, Who are born of thee? Wider still and wider Shall thy bounds be set, God who made thee mighty, Make thee mightier yet. You can see a vidoe of the traditional rendition sung at the Last Night of the Proms, here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THYgeETrkPs You might have to register for YouTube to listen to it (registration is free). There's also an exeprt from a film of Elgar himself conducting a performance back in the 1930s. Richard English | |||
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'Nuff said. Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life. | |||
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I have been actively campaigning for years to change our national anthem to "Fun Fun Fun" by the Beach Boys.
Certainly this reflects our core values better than the Star-Spangled Banner, which doesn't include any references to fast cars, hot chicks, anti-intellectualism, hamburgers, hot chicks in fast cars, fast cars in hamburger stands, loud music, a nod to our Neoclassical foundations, guys chasing hot chicks in fast cars, a nod to one of our traditional Southern bloodsports, and that kind of American dynamism that sees opportunity in someone else's misfortune. Also, it is much more musically appropriate for the beginning of a ball game or when we win a gold medal at the Olympics, the only two times we ever sing it. | |||
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May I suggest Alice Cooper's "I Love America"
"No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money." Samuel Johnson. | |||
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No, I think England does just well enough with God Save the Queen. God Save the Queen Sex Pistols God save the queen The fascist regime They made you a moron Potential H-bomb God save the queen She ain't no human being There is no future In England's dreaming Don't be told what you want Don't be told what you need There's no future, no future, No future for you God save the queen We mean it man We love our queen God saves God save the queen 'Cause tourists are money And our figurehead Is not what she seems Oh God save history God save your mad parade Oh Lord God have mercy All crimes are paid When there's no future How can there be sin We're the flowers in the dustbin We're the poison in your human machine We're the future, you're future God save the queen We mean it man We love our queen God saves God save the queen We mean it man And there is no future In England's dreaming No future, no future, No future for you No future, no future, No future for me No future, no future, No future for you No future, no future For you Though Chumbawamba's cover and extension of Her Majesty was spot on as they say. Her majesty's a pretty nice girl but she doesn't have a lot to say Her majesty's a pretty nice girl but she changes from day to day I wanna tell her that I love her a lot, but I gotta get a belly full of wine Her majesty's a pretty nice girl someday I'm gonna make her mine Oh yeah, someday I'm gonna make her mine Her majesty's a pretty nice girl but she never does a thing for me Her majesty's a pretty nice girl but she keeps the worst company All the lords and the ladies in waiting all crawling in the dirt like swine Her majesty's a pretty nice girl but I hope she's the end of the line Oh yeah, I hope she's the end of the line Her majesty's living in a land of curtsies A world of blue blood and Nazis, yeah Her majesty's a pretty nice girl but I think she ought to call it a day Her majesty's a pretty nice girl without one good reason to stay I'd like to take her for a whiskey or two, but I've got a lot of things to do Her majesty's a throwaway song just short of a chorus or two Oh yeah, short of a chorus or two A world of corgies and inbreeding The royal corpse is barely breathing Her majesty's a pretty nice girl with a circus for a family Her majesty's a pretty nice girl but she's stuck with the royal We I'd like to show her around the center of town but I haven't got a carpet for her feet Her majesty's a pretty nice girl but she's pretty much obsolete Oh yeah, she's pretty much obsolete —Ceci n'est pas un seing. | |||
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Let's do a deal. You write to George about my suggestion, I'll write to Tony about yours. "No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money." Samuel Johnson. | |||
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You'll be pleased to know that this "song" was far more notorious than it was ever popular. It was banned by the Beeb, which added to its notoriety, but it was always rubbish. Time has not withered it because it never bloomed. Richard English | |||
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Too controversial: a lot of people never liked "The A-Team". | |||
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I liked the Sex Pistols. "No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money." Samuel Johnson. | |||
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I have long thought that "American the Beautiful" should be our national anthem. It is stirring, easy to sing, and gosh darn it, I like it. We should probably not sing all of the verses every time, though.
******* "Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~Dalai Lama | |||
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I agree with you, CW.. .lovely song | |||
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I liked the Sex Pistols. Me, too, Bob, They were very much of their time. Like Glenn Miller or Vera Lynn were of theirs. [Corrected typo.]This message has been edited. Last edited by: zmježd, —Ceci n'est pas un seing. | |||
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Someone had to. But to compare them with greats like Glenn Miller or Vera Lynn is, I suggest, stretching things somewhat. Over half a century after he died, Glenn Miller's music is still played nightly by many bands and his recordings still sell in their thousands. He was of his time - but his time is timeless. The offerings of the Sex Pistols were popular as part of the anti-establishment feelings of that time; that doesn't mean they had any noticeable musical virtue. Both Glenn Miller and Vera Lynn, like them or not, did adhere to genuine musical standards. Richard English | |||
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Sometimes great musicians set new musical standards. Consider, if you will, Elvis, The Beach Boys, The Beatles. Sex Pistols have genuine musical standards . . . they may not be your musical standards, but they are standards. ******* "Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~Dalai Lama | |||
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Anyone know John Lydon's email address? I'd love to invite him to become a member and let us know how he feels about being compared to Glenn Miller and Vera Lynn. Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life. | |||
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Indeed they do. Just as Tracy Emins has genuine artistic standards. Now I know that an unmade bed is art and that the foul-mouthed shouting that characterised the Sex Pistols songs is music. Richard English | |||
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I should have said I like The Sex Pistols. I also like Glenn Miller. On the other hand I can't stand Vera Lynn. Guess that just goes to show how uncultured I am. (Memo to self: buy Richard a Cradle of Filth album for Xmas.) "No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money." Samuel Johnson. | |||
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I still like Glenn Miller, Vera Lynn, the Sex Pistols, and many others. To each his own. Being banned by the BBC didn't stop the song from making it to the number two position on the BBC's own UK Singles Charts. The song also made the Rolling Stone's 500 Greatest Songs of All Time list at #173. The song was popular as was the band. As for John Lydon, a friend of mine directed a music video for his band, Public Image LTD, and found Mr Lydon to be a complete bastard. Doesn't mean I still don't like his music. —Ceci n'est pas un seing. | |||
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There is no accounting for tastes. Many people like Dudweiser which proves that a thing doesn't have to have any pretentions to quality for people to like it. Who's John Lydon, by the way? Richard English | |||
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Johnny Rotten's real name. And your response also proves something - that many people with little or no knowledge of something are willing to condemn it for no better reason than that it exists. The single fact that you are unaware of who John Lydon is speaks volumes about how qualified you are to comment on punk rock. "No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money." Samuel Johnson. | |||
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Many people like Dudweiser which proves that a thing doesn't have to have any pretentions to quality for people to like it. I agree. Just because Vera, Glenn, and Johnny are/were popular has little to do with their talent, worth, or artistry. —Ceci n'est pas un seing. | |||
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I have heard it and that to me is qualification enough. It is a foul sound and one that, fortunately, is rarely heard on mainstream programmes nowadays. Richard English | |||
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People can gave preferences and likes and dislikes. That doesn't alter the fact that there are certain absolute standards in every sphere of life and certainly in music. Richard English | |||
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That doesn't alter the fact that there are certain absolute standards in every sphere of life and certainly in music. Yes, Richard, and in that vein, I am absolutely certain that you are wrong. [Fixed typos.]This message has been edited. Last edited by: zmježd, —Ceci n'est pas un seing. | |||
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Richard, I hate opera - particularly operatic arias sung by shrieking wailing women whose voices feel to me like someone hammering nails into my eardrum. That doesn't mean that opera is contemptible rubbish. It means that I don't like it. Nothing more and nothing less. Your opinion about punk rock means as much as my opinion about opera. Which is to say that it means nothing at all. Give me the Sex Pistols, the Vibrators, the Buzzcocks, the Damned, Siouxsie and the Banshees, the Rezillos and particularly the Clash over some teutonic bird dressed as a viking and shattering the chandeliers every time. "No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money." Samuel Johnson. | |||
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Oh yes. nearly forgot. My musical collection includes folk music blues rock heavy metal death metal thrash metal punk rock jazz and swing including big bands reggae (admitedly not much reggae) several hundred years of classical music pop musicals soundtracks to films soundtracks to computer games african tribal music gregorian chant native indian music gamelan chinese traditional music indian traditinal music mongolian throat singing gilbert and sullivan and numerous others that I can't think of at the moment even some opera though I tend to only listen to the overtures and a few of the tenor pieces I'd say that gives me a fair basis for comparison. "No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money." Samuel Johnson. | |||
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mongolian throat singing Is this similar to Tuvan throat singing? I see it is. —Ceci n'est pas un seing. | |||
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I don't dislike the Sex Pistols because they are pop artists any more than I like all classical music because it is classical. I think the shocking din produced by Stockhausen is as bad as that produced by the Sex Pistols. Call art what you will, rubbish poetry is rubbish poetry; rubbish music is rubbish music and rubbish art is rubbish art. That the likes of Stockhausen get their works into the classical repertory says more about those who judge these things than it does about the so-called music. I am now off to listen to Christ's Hospital Choral Society and I guarantee that there will be nothing by the Sex Pistols in the programme. Richard English | |||
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I am now off to listen to Christ's Hospital Choral Society and I guarantee that there will be nothing by the Sex Pistols in the programme. There's not likely to be any Lynn or Miller either. Who cares? It would have little to do with whether I like their music or not, or whether you should like their music or not. I know that Major Miller composed some of the pieces his orchestra played, but mainly he arranged other peoples' music. (Not that that is a bad thing.) Did Dame Vera compose any of her songs? Or write the lyrics? That the likes of Stockhausen get their works into the classical repertory says more about those who judge these things than it does about the so-called music. Stockhausen got his works into the canon because he's an important 20th century composer, and your saying he isn't doesn't make it so. (For the record, I also like Stockhausen as well as Einstürzende Neubauten.) —Ceci n'est pas un seing. | |||
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Arguing about art is as pointless as arguing about religion and it's best we don't argue since there can be no winners. I happen to think that Stockhousen's music is a caucophony; the only thing that John Cage wrote that's worth listening to is his 4'33"; and the Sex Pistol's noise is quite vile. You believe the opposite. To try to defend our resepective beliefs on the basis of facts about the artists is pointless since our enjoyment of their music is no more based on facts than is our belief, if any, of a religion. Richard English | |||
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To try to defend our resepective beliefs on the basis of facts about the artists is pointless since our enjoyment of their music is no more based on facts than is our belief, if any, of a religion. Just to be clear: I am not religious, but I know what I like in the way of music and art. —Ceci n'est pas un seing. | |||
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Quite so. And our likes and dislikes are not based on facts; they are our beliefs. The anology about religion is simply that. Religious belief is no more based on facts than is artistic preference. It is probably a fact that Shakespeare is the best-known writer in the world; that doesn't mean that he has to be everyone's favourite - or even that he has to be the most popular author in the world. Despite the best efforts of educational establishments, we choose what we like to read or otherwise enjoy and our choice is simply a preference based on our personal beliefs and values. Richard English | |||
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And our likes and dislikes are not based on facts; they are our beliefs. I disagree. Our tastes are a matter of aesthetics and not theology. You may say, and I would tend to agree, that one's aesthetic system is based upon arbitrary axioms. I would also distinguish between belief in the religious sense, as a sort of unjustified or unverifiable conviction in the truth of a proposition, and belief in the logical sense. For me, the meanings of the word believe in I believe in the Easter Bunny and I believe that the sum of two and two is four are different. Shakespeare I have enjoyed reading Shakespeare's works from time to time and going to performances of his plays as well, but I do believe his stature as a poet and playwright has been blown a bit out of proportion by bardolators. (For the record, I think that the works of Shakespeare were written by William Shakespeare of Stratford-upon-Avon.) —Ceci n'est pas un seing. | |||
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Actually we seem to be agreeing. And I accept your proposition, too, that the word "believe" has several senses. I didn't mean to suggest that Shakespeare was anything other that the best known writer in the world. Whether or not he is the best is a different matter. Richard English | |||
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I would say that God is the best known writer in the world. | |||
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I'm sorry Richard, but there is no possible definition of "pop artist" under which the Sex Pistols fall. The entire concept of punk music is antithetical to "pop music". This all happened before my time, but I imagine the words were used in similar fashion during the 70's in England. | |||
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