quote:

I would say that God is the best known writer in the world.

And, like Shakespeare, there is considerable debate over what he did or didn't write.

quote:

I would say that God is the best known writer in the world.

Which particular god (out of the many who are represented by their followers as the "one true god") do you mean?

And do we have a single authenticated instance of any one of those gods having written a single word?

quote:

Originally posted by Richard English:

quote:

I would say that God is the best known writer in the world.

Which particular god (out of the many who are represented by their followers as the "one true god") do you mean?

Richard, I agree, but do you believe Sean was being serious or perhaps masquerading as a creationist ?

Back to "great emails." This just received, in honor of the Chicago Bears appearing in the Super Bowl:

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Bear's appearance at the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Bears at the Super Bowl?, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Bears game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

I heard golfing version of that joke:
Two old guys have been golfing together every Saturday for 40 years. They're on the green when a funeral procession drives past. One of the old guys stops putting, lays down his club, takes off his hat, and bows his head. The other old guy is amazed. "I've know you for 40 years, and I had no idea you were so reverent!". The first guy looks up and says "Well, she was a good wife."

Those are hilarious!

This is probably really old, but I never remember jokes so when I got this in an email I laughed myself silly. (Didn't take long)

Have you heard the one about the Dyslexic Insomniac Agnostic?
He lays awake all night wondering if there is a dog.

A country boy and his father were on their first visit to a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

Originally posted by neveu:
Two old guys have been golfing together every Saturday for 40 years. They're on the green when a funeral procession drives past. One of the old guys stops putting, lays down his club, takes off his hat, and bows his head. The other old guy is amazed. "I've know you for 40 years, and I had no idea you were so reverent!". The first guy looks up and says "Well, she was a good wife."

I can't tell that joke any more. What made me stop is the time I told it and was topped, and then re-topped.

After I finished telling it, some wise guy got a twinkle in his eye and said [paint over], "Certainly. You can't put the cart before the hearse!"

And a second wise guy topped that by agreeing, "Yes, you have to put the heart before the course."

Two items in my in-box today.

---

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time".
. . .The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your pecker is bigger than your brother's."

---

George Carlin, talking about Martha Stewart:
"Boy, I feel a Lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her tail off to jail."

Please forgive me if this has been posted here previously ~~~~ jerry




----- Verbally Insane 

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, 
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes. 

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, 
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese. 

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, 
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. 

If the plural of man is always called men, 
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? 

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, 
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? 

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, 
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? 

Then one may be that, and three would be those, 
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, 
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose. 

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, 
But though we say mother, we never say methren. 

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, 
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim! 

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. 
English muffins don't come from England . 

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, 
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and 
a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. 

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, 
grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? 

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? 
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, 
what do you call it? 

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? 
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? 

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up
speaking English should 
be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. 

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? 
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet 
that smell. 
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway. 
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, 
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? 

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which 
your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on. 

So if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop? 

And that is just the beginning--even though this is the end!! 

Reviving a thread

Awww...look who I am following with this post.



-FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES …

1. A bicycle can't stand alone. It is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a rotten apple.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. A chicken crossing the road … poultry in motion.

6. If a clock is hungry, does it go back four seconds?

7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

10. A calendar's days are numbered.

11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

13. The story of the short fortuneteller who escaped from prison … a small medium at large.

14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

16. If you jump off a bridge in Paris, you are in Seine .

17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

19. Acupuncture … a jab well done.

20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

21. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

23. She was only a whisky makers daughter, but he loved her still.

24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

26. A dog gave birth to puppies in a public place, and was cited for littering.

27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

31. A sign on the lawn outside the drug rehab center … 'Keep off the Grass'

32. A boy swallowed some coins, and was taken to a hospital. His mother telephoned to ask how he was. The nurse said, 'No change yet.'

33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I've seen a number of similar lists before, but this is well-written for a change:

Ten rules for dating my daughter

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “Barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “early”

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is getting ready, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Got this one today (not too sure bout the Greek word, though):

A Paraprosdokian (from the Greek meaning 'beyond expectation') is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part.

A few good ones.....

* I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

* Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

* The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

* If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

* War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

* Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

* I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

* Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

* I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

* Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

* A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

* There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

* You're never too old to learn something stupid.

* To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

* A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

* When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Someone sent me this as a reminder of what early computers were like

MINNESOTA GUIDE
TO COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY

Log on: Make the stove hotter
Log off: Don’t add wood
Monitor Keep an eye on the woodstove
Download: Get the firewood off the pickup
Micro-chip: What’s left at the bottom of the woodpile
Megahertz: What happens when downloading and you drop a log on your toe
Floppy disk: What you get from piling too much wood
RAM: The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodspitter work
Hard drive: Getting home in a snow storm
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in a snow storm
Windows: What you close when it’s thirty below
Screen: What you need for the mosquito season
Byte: What the mosquitos wil do to you if your don’t have a screen
Infrared: Where the leftovers go when Fred’s around
Modem: What you do to the hayfields
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix’s daughter
Laptop: What makes the little kids feel comfy
Keyboard: Where you hang up your keys
Software: Plastic eating utensils
Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn
Mainframe: The part of the barn that holds the roof up
Port: Fancy wine desired by Dot Matrix
Enter: “C’mon in”
Random Access Memory: When the wife asks how much the new rifle cost, you can’t remember

This was forwarded to me by the parent of a High School honors student's chemistry teacher, inviting them to an end-of-class barbecue:

The Final Experiment

The Thermal Degradation of Denatured Bovine or Avian Myocyte Polypeptides followed by an Investigation of an in-Vivo Acid-Hydrolysis of Degradation Products.

Possibly followed by the Cryogenic Crystallization of Ungulate Mammalian Mammary Triglycerides mixed with various Esters and Disaccharides

Dunno 'bout y'all, but it sure makes ME hungry!

This was forwarded to me by no other than...Geoff! Thanks, Geoff. Loved it! It is so perfect in seeing why the environment is where it is today. As Shu remembers, it used to be you'd go to a store and there would be a big barrel of screws. You'd pick out the ones you want. Now? They're all individually packaged. The same with pens. And so on...

THE GREEN THING


In the line at the store, the young cashier told the older woman that
she should bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren’t good
for the environment. The woman apologized to him and explained, “We
didn’t have the "green thing" back in my day.”

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. The former generation
did not care enough to save our environment."

He was right, that generation didn’t have the "green thing" in its day.

Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soda bottles and beer
bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be
washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles
over and over. So they really were recycled.

In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn’t have an
escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the
grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower, gas driven
machine every time they had to go two blocks.

Back then, they washed the baby’s diapers because they didn’t have the
throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy
gobbling machine burning up 220 volts – wind and solar power really
did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers
or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house – not a TV in every
room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a
screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, they blended
and stirred by hand because they didn’t have electric machines to do
everything for them.

When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a
wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble
wrap.

Back then, they didn’t fire up yet another gas powered engine just to
cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They
exercised by working so they didn’t need to go to a health club to run
on treadmills that operate on electricity.

They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a
cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They
refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and
they replaced or sharpened the blade in a razor instead of throwing it
away when it got dull.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their
bikes to school or rode the school bus instead of turning their moms
into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room,
not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they
didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from
satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza
joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old
folks were just because they didn't have the "green thing" back then?

You Know You're in a Redneck Church When...

...The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

...People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5,000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.


...The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.

...Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

...A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

...The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

...In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven different last names in the church directory.

...People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

...The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.

...The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

...The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

...Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

...The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

...The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

..."Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dawgs, too.

...The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, heah"?

That weren't no duck call, that was Billy Bob.

I received this email today titled "so funny, so sad."

It is pretty sad, that's for sure. Maybe that's why we have an obesity and chronic illness problem.

Our son in Canada had a young lad staying with him for a while. He would not eat the eggs laid by his neighbour's hens - but was quite happy to eat eggs and egg products bought from the local store.

quote:

He would not eat the eggs laid by his neighbour's hens -

Have you noticed where those eggs came from?

quote:

Originally posted by Proofreader:

quote:

He would not eat the eggs laid by his neighbour's hens -

Have you noticed where those eggs came from?

One word: Monsanto

quote:

Originally posted by bethree5:
One word: Monsanto

What does an American agricultural company to do with a bunch of backyard hens deep in the heart of the Canadian Rockies? Or for that matter the local Canadian store in the village?

I know Monsanto has a pretty poor reputation, particularly for the production of GM products. It was also heavily involved in the manufacture of PCBs and of Agent Orange (and allied toxic waste dumping). However, I dunno what area of their operations B35 means here either.

Me, either. I wondered if it had a different meaning. This is all I could find, and I am sure that's not it: Link

Railroad tracks.

The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the U.S. railroads.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So, who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. In other words, bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification, procedure, or process, and wonder, 'What horse's ass came up with this?, you may be exactly right.

Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.

Railroad tracks.

Check Snopes.

quote:

Originally posted by Kalleh:
Me, either. I wondered if it had a different meaning. This is all I could find, and I am sure that's not it: Link

hm, just noticed I dropped the ball on previous thread, sorry! My ominous remark ['Monsanto'] was a loose rejoinder to proof's 'have you noticed where those eggs came from?' & RE's responding ?-mark. Armchair analysis: proof's mind was wandering into the scatological dept... while mine was dwelling in conspiracy-land, suggesting that the pristine Rocky eggs (or the store's for that matter) were the product of hens eating GE corn, which by now blankets the continent, & if Monsanto has its way will soon wreck the ancient seedstock of Mexico.

quote:

if Monsanto has its way will soon wreck the ancient seedstock of Mexico.

Amaizing

quote:

Originally posted by Proofreader:

quote:

if Monsanto has its way will soon wreck the ancient seedstock of Mexico.

Amaizing

they will be amaized after they are demaized

quote:

they are demaized

Dismaized

You beat me to it, z. I looked it up after the post and found I was wrong.

Sorry about that, folks. Next time I'll look it up first!

Some people have wondered whether George Stephenson chose his odd guage of 4' 8 1/2" deliberately. Why not 4' 9" - or even 5'?

Some say he did it so as to make his guage memorable and, it is probably true that it is the one guage that everyone knows. OK, it is the most common guage - but there are still many others from around 2' to over 5'. Russian rail guage, for example, is 5'.

There are some other strange-size guages as well - although some of these strange Imperial figures come about because of a conversion from a metric figure - the metre guage, for example, being 3' 3 3⁄8"

Mind you, I do like the horses' backside story, even if it is probably untrue.

I got this email from a cousin today:

This is the actual answering-machine message for the Maroochydore High School in Queensland, Australia:
Message

I of course have no idea if it's really true. I couldn't find it on Snopes, so I've asked the question. I can't imagine it is, but it sure is funny!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Kalleh,

I am sure it's not real. The Youtube page where it's posted doesn't make any such claim. Also, the voice is British, although the school is allegedly in Australia. In any case, what happens if the caller is not a parent, or has a valid reason for calling? I imagine the school board would have something to say if it were brought into use, even if the teachers voted for it!