This poem has to be at least fifteen years old. I wrote it about a colleague and it was in a job that I left fifteen years ago.
It's not one of my favourites and it's not especially good but it is appropriate to the board.

Grammaticality

This is the sad tale
Of a man with a problem
With the accurate expression of meaning.
He writes, as he speaks
As each thought occurs
With the haphazard semblance of dreaming.

He writes everything
In an eccentric English
Uncluttered by spelling or grammar
Which renders his prose
Indescribably strange,
Indecipherable in any manner.

Prepositions he often
Ends sentences with.
Or else with conjunctions begins.
Then they change tense
From present to past
Changed once more and will change again.

Some of his sentences,
With no sign of a verb.
Others may last for a page.
Understanding the depths
Of his subordinate clauses
Would take teams of linguists an age.

He'll parenthesise phrases
(For no reason at all)
And randomly insert ; punctuation
And when seized by the urge
Will not hesitate
To invent new words and convestulations.

The multiple lapses
In ackurate speling
Vary from suttle to straynj
And singular verbs
Follows plural nouns
Within his syntactical raynj.

Some problems arose
When a sentence he'd written
Read 'These facts are almost correct."
He's meant to say 'all most'
And that the meaning was different
Was something he failed to detect.

He can never grasp
That some adjectives can't
Be altered by 'most' or by 'more'.
With confidence he'll write
That this is 'uniquer'
And that that is 'uniquest of all'

He'll imply that 'implied'
Means 'inferred' and vice versa
Infer that 'inferred' means 'implied'.
He'll mix 'insure' with 'ensure'
And 'supply' with 'apply'
Thus insuring confusion supplies.

Misplaced apostrophe's
Appear within plural's
Or sometimes half way through a wo'rd,
But when theyre required
By a sentences syntax
Inevitably they will be spared.

The worst is to come
When all this has been sorted
And the reader divines his intent,
For without single exception
What he has written
In no way resembles what he thinks he meant.



(c) Robert Hale , 1988



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Vescere bracis meis.

Read all about my travels around the world here.

[This message was edited by BobHale on Wed Mar 12th, 2003 at 6:14.]

Wow. I like it. I know that's not the kind of comments you're looking for and I have no constructive critisism to offer. But, I liked it. It reminds me of the way Shel Silverstein writes.

quote:

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Originally posted by TrossL:
Wow. I like it. I know that's not the kind of comments you're looking for...

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True, but gratuitous praise is also welcome.

Vescere bracis meis.

Read all about my travels around the world here.

quote:

---

Originally posted by TrossL:
It reminds me of the way Shel Silverstein writes.

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Sorry T., but make that "wrote." We lost Shel some 3 or 4 years ago.

For those who may not know the name, Shel Silverstein was the author of some of the greatest children's literature in the English language (anyone not familiar with "The Giving Tree" needs to immediately rectify that situation) and, at the same time, some of the most enjoyable "adult" work as well. Near the top of that list would be the ever-popular song "Don't Give a Dose to the One You Love Most" which was actually used as the theme of an anti-STD documentary which aired in, I believe, the 70's. More familiar might be "I Got Stoned and I Missed It" which seemed to be pro-marijuana if you were a regular user while, at the same time, clearly anti-drug abuse for the rest of the world. No mean feat.

He is missed.

Well, before today I had sadly neglected Shel Silverstin's work. I've been hunting around on the internet and found a few of his songs and poems and can only say that I'm very pleased to be compared to him. A very funny writer indeed.

But where was your gratuitous praise CJ ? Answer me that.

Vescere bracis meis.

Read all about my travels around the world here.

quote:

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Originally posted by BobHale:
But where was your gratuitous praise CJ ? Answer me that.

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I'm saving it for your "Alice Through the Looking Glass" post on the "Cast(s) Away" thread. I suggested your input weeks ago. I assume you're still thinking...

Bob, I very much enjoyed this poem. As you know, not being a creative writer myself, it would be presumptuous of me to add any constructive criticism. I loved the way you used the grammatical errors as you wrote about them.

However, I cannot say that it reminds me of Shel Silerstein. I agree, CJ, he was a fantastic poet, and we have a collection of his works that my children just adored. My favorite, however, was "The Giving Tree".

Wonderful, wonderful poem, Bob.

Ans as far as Shel Silverstien goes, our favorite around here was always "Where the Sidewalk Ends".