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The Night Before Christmas, a poem well known,
Has inspired many take-offs, though none of my own.
The original, which you can find in this link,
Is a gateway to much wit and humor, I'd think,
And now, in the spirit of holiday cheer
It is fit to regale you with parodies here.
Martin Gardner, in course of his years of excursions,
Collected and published quite numberous versions,
Some somewhat serious, some written gaily.
I'll attempt to provide you the best of them daily.
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Picture of Hic et ubique
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(date and author unknown)
'Twas the night after Christmas, and boy, what a house!
I felt like the devil, and so did the spouse.
The eggnog and turkey and candy were swell,
But ten hours later they sure gave me hell.
The stockings weren't hung by the chimney with care.
The darn things were sprawled on the back of a chair.
The children were nestled all snug in their bed,
And I had a large cake of ice on my head.
When at long last I dozed off in a nap,
The ice woke me up as it fell in my lap.
For some unknown reason I wanted a drink,
So I started in feeling my way to the sink.
I got along fine 'til I stepped on the cat.
I cannot recall what occurred after that.
When I cam to, the house was all flooded with light,
Although under the table I was high as a kite.
While visions of sugar plums danced in my head,
I somehow got up and climbed back into bed.
then what to my wandering mind should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.
Then the sleigh seemed to change to a mammoth fire truck,
And each reindeer turned into a bleary-eyed buck.
I knew in a moment it must be old Nick.
I tried to cry out, but my tongue was too thick.
The old devil whistled and shouted with glee,
While each buck pawed the earth and looked daggers at me.
Then he called them by name and the names made me shudder.
When I heard them I felt like a ship minus rudder.
"Now Eggnog! Bacardi! Four Roses! and Brandy!
Now Fruit Cake! Cold Turkey! Gin Rickey! and Candy!
To the top of his house, to the top of his skill,
Now whack away, crack it with thumps that are dull!"
And then in a twinkling I fell on my roof
The prancing and pawing of each cloven hoof.
How long this went on I am sure I can't say,
Though it seemed an eternity plus a long day.
But finally the night after Christmas had passed,
And I found that I really could think straight at last.
So I thought of the New Year a few days away,
And I made me a vow that no tempter can sway.
I'm sticking to water, don't even want ice,
For there's nothing so tasty, or nothing so nice.
The night after New Year may bother some guys,
But I've learned my lesson, and brother, I'm wise.
You can have your rich food, and your liquor that's red,
But what goes to my stomach won't go to my head.
So here's "Happy New Year" to you one and all.
I'm back on the wagon. I hope I don't fall.
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Picture of Hic et ubique
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Night Before Christmas: Revised
Judy Carlson, Seventeen Magazine, December 1981

'Twas the night before Christmas, and I couldn't sleep.
My sister was snoring too loudly -- the creep!
So in my nightie, with socks on my feet,
Skipped out to the kitchen to see what was to eat.

I was stuffing down cookies when I heard someone humming,
The theme song from Star Wars -- someone was coming!
Then from the chimney, I heard a loud crash,
And out of the fireplace fell a girl (and some ash).

"Oh, hi," she said calmly, dripping snow water,
"I'm Holly St. Nicholas -- Santa's granddaughter."
She was dressed in old jeans and had curly red hair,
And her coat that read "North Pole is Cool" had a tear.

"Where's Santa?" I asked. "I hope he's all right."
"Oh, yes," Holly said. "He's on TV tonight!
Johnny Carson asked Gramps to guest-host his show.
He needed exposure. He needed the dough.

His income from visiting stores wasn't good,
So he acquired an agent. He's gone Hollywood!
He's in Christmas Lagoon -- co-starring Brooke Shields,
Next is Smokey and Santa with cute Sally Field."

Then Holly Claus groaned as she looked in her sack.
"This bag is no feather -- my poor aching back!"
"Some oranges and walnuts," I cried. "Is that it?
"She shrugged and said, "Yep. Inflation has hit."

Thes she looked at her watch and said, "Oh, no! I'm late.
I must be in Oshkosh at twelve fifty-eight."
I looked at the reindeer. "Are these the well-known?"
Holly said, "No -- they have careers of their own."

"Comet and Cupid dance on Lawrence Welk.
Dasher's in nature films, passing off as an elk.
Fly! is a rock group with Prance, Dance, and Vixen.
Donner does nightclubs with impressions of Nixon.

"I've named them these nice new ones after my favorite men!"
She sprang to her sleigh. "Time to call them again!
On Redford, Travolta, and B. Manilow!
On Pacino, DeNiro, and John McEnroe!"

To the corner split-level, to the new shopping mall!
Dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
Then I heard her exclaim as she lurched out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"
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I especially liked the last one! I'm sure you won't mind that I've snaffled it and re-posted it on the Junior Wordcraft site.

Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
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OOh - this is fun! Maybe we should try to write our own!

"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
~Dalai Lama
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No problem, arnie, and thank you! I wish I'd thought of it.

The next offering combines Garder's version with one on the web, which apparently is the author's update. A caretta is a cart.

PANCHO CLAUS, by Lalo Guerrero

'Twas the Night Before Christmas, and all through the casa
Mama, she was busy preparing the masa
to make the tamales for the tamalada,
and all the ingredients for the enchiladas.
Papa in the front room with all the muchachas
Was dancing the mamba and doing the cha-cha.
My brothers and sisters were out in the hall
Listening to Elvis sing hard rock n' roll.¹
When all of a sudden I heard such a racket,
I jumped out of bed the threw on my jacket.
I ran to the window, and in front of the house;
Was my old Uncle Pedro, as drunk as a louse!
He ran in the house and he grabbed the guitarra,
And he let out a yell and sang "Guadalajara".
I started to wonder as I lay there alone
How old Santa Clause was to visit our home
With all of the noise that would scare him away,
When all of a sudden, I heard someone say:
"Hey, Pablo! Chuchito! Gordito! José!
Get up there, you bums, or you don't get no hay!"
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But eight tiny burros, instead of reindeer.
They pulled a carreta that was full of toys
For all of us good little girlies and boys.
The fat little driver waved a big is sombrero,
And said: "Merry Christmas, Feliz Año Nuevo!
"I am Santa's cousin from south of the border,
My name's Pancho Claus, and I brought what you ordered."
And I heard him exclaim as he drove past the porches,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all, buenos noches!"

¹ Alternative for the preceding four lines:
Papa in the shower was singing "Jalisco,"
My brothers and sisters were dancing to disco,
My Grandpa was snoozing, the neighbors were boozing
And getting their low riders ready for cruising.
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Hic shouldn't have to do it all here. By googling "night before christmas" parodies (others can do the same), I found this nice one, the Politically Correct Version, beginning this way.
    'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
    How to live in a world that's politically correct?
    His workers no longer would answer to "Elves."
    "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
    And Labour conditions at the North Pole
    Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
    Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
    Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
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Picture of Hic et ubique
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The ladies may shake their heads in knowing recognition at this one!
    ‘Twas the night before Christmas and, darling, don’t ask.
    Hercules would have collapsed at the task.
    My head was in circles with so much to do
    For a family of five and Saint Nicholas, too.
    The house was a mess with the children so hearty
    And Dad was delayed at his company party.
    The kids danced around me proclaiming their wishes
    While I was still up to my elbows in dishes.
    ... [continues here]
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Beginning and ending with a pun -- my kind of poem!

The Knight Before Christmas, by Corrine Rockwell Swain

The knight, before Christmas, observed to his spouse,
"I'm charmed with the service, all over the house!
The cook offers daily my favorite dishes;
The butler's a wonder at guessing my wishes;
The steward's all ginger, in spite of his years;
Wherever I glance, a retainer appears.
M barber excels in his deftness and speed;
The groom puts a satiny gloss on my steed;
My armor is scoured till it dazzles my sight.
My sword and my spear are abnormally bright.
The sentinels never are guilty of naps;
My varlets are constantly doffing their caps.
Dear Mother-in-law has abandoned her rages;
My squired alertly turns down the fresh pages.
Nurse Margery curtsies, the kitchen-wench bows;
The rustics raise marvelous porkers and cows.
My minstrel's loud carols resound with my fame;
The jester's quaint stories are never the same.
It's pleasant to note though the date is but recent)
Our people all acting so awfully decent!
This shows us, my dear, that with common accord,
They're happy to serve so distinguished a lord."
But his lady replied, with a smile on her lips,
"The season approaches for holiday tips,
And your motto is plain, if you read it aright:
'Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good knight!'"
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