Since my 'Great e-mails #2' thread has been hijacked into a serious discussion [pooh! c'mon you guys!], I'm re-starting it here as a place for laughter and amusement.

---

A Love Story

I will seek and find you . . .

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake, shiver and sweat until you moan and groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,
[continue for signature]

Not an e-mail, but a newspaper story, but I didn't know where else to put this stinker!

(12-05) 18:12 PST Nashville, Tenn. (AP) --

It is considered polite to light a match after passing gas. Not while on a plane.

An American Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing Monday morning after a passenger lit a match to disguise the scent of flatulence, authorities said.

The Dallas-bound flight was diverted to Nashville after several passengers reported smelling burning sulfur from the matches, said Lynne Lowrance, spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority. All 99 passengers and five crew members were taken off and screened while the plane was searched and luggage was screened.

The FBI questioned a passenger who admitted she struck the matches in an attempt to conceal a "body odor," Lowrance said. She had an unspecified medical condition, authorities said.

"It's humorous in a way but you feel sorry for the individual, as well," she said. "It's unusual that someone would go to those measures to cover it up."

The flight took off again, but the woman was not allowed back on the plane. The woman, who was not identified, was not charged in the incident.

(NOT charged? I'd say she must have had quite a charge!)

Wow. You know, when your farts make airliners drop out of the sky, it's time to change your diet.

They had a column about this in the Chicago Sun Times today. The columnist interviewed a gastroenterologist and said that women are much more worried about passing flatus than men are. Why am I not surprised?

As a sideline, the MD described human beings as "an elaborate sewer system." Funny!

I am sure this is not a great email, but I was bemused by it, at any rate, since I had no trouble reading it, and I imagine no one here will. Apologies if it's been posted before. Wonder if the part about Cambridge is apocryphal? WM

quote:

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid, too.
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe tuo fo 100 anc.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a
wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be
in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I
awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.

Snopes say that its status is "undetermined", but I'm pretty sure it's totally untrue.

See also this page: http://www.mrc-cbu.cam.ac.uk/~mattd/Cmabrigde/

Very interesting page from Cambridge, Arnie. I should have thought to check Snopes before posting this thing here. Could only make out about half the sentence about the sherpas.

Wordmatic

Snopes say that its status is "undetermined", but I'm pretty sure it's totally untrue.

Yours truly (or at least my blog entry and nom-de-bloggeur) is mentioned in this Snopes article. I still remember the day that my server was nearly brought to its knees by a slashdotting. I was quite happy to have been able to track down the psychologist who did some of the original research on the subject in the UK during the '70s.

Although my response to this was not so erudite, I did comment immediately that the hypothesis would not work if the internal letters were able to be jumbled in such a way as to make different words that still had meaning.

How did this thread get so buried?

Received this from a reader (come on, Susan; join uswho found it popped up into her mind while reading the recent "theater" theme.

An elderly lady was sitting on a bench on Fairfax Avenue (Jewish area), and this guy came along, stood in front of her, opened up his raincoat and flashed her. She looked up from her book and shook her head, "You call THAT a lining?"

I received this email today from a poster who is no longer with us...Dale, for those of you who remember him. How appropropriate it is!

Canoe Race

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India

Sadly, the End.

Sadly, Kalleh, that scenario is familiar this side of the pond as well. The government is also likely to enter a team that would finish the course about a mile further behind the second team.

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your Mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little pop-up appeared that said:

[paint-over for punchline]

'You got Male!'

My daily email joke lady ( ) sent me one today that had a few funny ones:

~ If you mated a Bulldog and Shitzu would it be called Bullshit?

~ Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

~ They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

~ "I keep hitting escape, but I'm still here."

~ The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

~ The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

And one especially for Richard:

~ Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

quote:

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Yes, that's a good and well-known one here. I also like "Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol in the bloodstream".

I like your joke, Hic - I'd not heard that one before. Funny!

If your Smith and Wesson only clicks, it's not done you much good, has it?

Do gun nuts cook with Smith and Wesson oil?

I got this one from my daughter (too much time on her hands as she changes jobs!). In other posts we've talked about the number of words a woman speaks, versus a man, and we've found that the number of words women and men speak each day is about the same. However, this email may give us a clue as to how the language is different between a man and a woman :

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.


2. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.


4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!


5. Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)


6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.


8. Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!


9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.


*Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.


*Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.

I received this one today. If it's old, I apologize (I also apologize for the insensitivity of the first one):

What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer : Princess
Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer:

An English princess with

An Egyptian boyfriend crashes in

a French tunnel, driving

a German car with

a Dutch engine, driven by

a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed closely by

Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles; treated by

an American doctor, using

Brazilian medicines.


This is sent to you by

an Englishman, using Bill Gates's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses

Taiwanese chips, and

a Korean monitor, assembled by

Bangladeshi workers in

a Singapore plant, transported by

Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by

Indonesians, unloaded by

Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by

Mexican illegals.....

That, my friend, is Globalization!

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These Men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids. "That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework & Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

---

PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third floor has wives that love sex, have money and large breasts.

The fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Hic, you remind me of a Sharon Olds poem. See the PM I sent you

quote: a Sharon Olds poem

I loved it, Asa! Personally, I thing you should be sharin' Sharon with the whole board.

What say you, wordcrafters?

I'm waaaaay too lazy! Since you've got it, you do it! (And let me know which sign you're standing under!)

quote:

... I think you should be sharin' Sharon with the whole board.

That sounds downright lascivious, taken out of context.
But, yes, Asa, let's see the poem. Here's some Sharon Olds poetry I found on the web. Look at #17.

"The Solution" was the one I sent to Shufitz.
http://www.angelfire.com/indie/riotboy/olds.html#solution

Watch Snowball, the dancing cockatoo.

My brother occasionally send me emails, mostly about the superiority of Apple over Microsoft. Here's his latest:

quote:

In the past I have sensed a bit of skepticism (judging largely from your silence) when I sent you news of Apple's products and their superiority. I am sure their latest venture will finally win you over. Take a look at this."
News from Apple

This message has been edited. Last edited by: tinman,

They're not all about Apple. Here's one from about 6 weeks ago:

quote:

If this doesn't tug at your heart strings nothing will.

We've all seen the faces of those ravaged by the floods of Sri Lanka and New Orleans. We've seen the flooding in Findlay, Ohio. This "award-winning" photograph of the recent rising flood waters in Ireland captures the horror and suffering there. The press never seems to print these photos in our newspapers.

I don't know how many of you know that the Tinsleys claim some Irish ancestry but I thought you might find this picture inspiring. It makes me proud. I hope in time of crisis I can live up to this example.
Crowds panic as flooding threatens Ireland...

This message has been edited. Last edited by: tinman,

A Good Catholic

An elderly Italian man, who lived on the outskirts of Monte Cassino, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father... During World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic.' The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did! You have no need to confess that.'

'It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors.'

The priest said: 'By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

(paint over to reveal)
'Should I tell her the war is over?'

I just received this email from my brother:

quote:

All right, who sent me this link?


<http://piv.pivpiv.dk/ >

In my case that's positive reinforcement!

I'll add it to my ring tone.

I've just received an email which contained this as the last sentence:

quote:

If you have received this email in error or think you may have done so, you may not peruse, use, disseminate, distribute or copy this message. Please notify the sender immediately and delete the original e-mail from your system.

I've seen similar messages in emails before, but in this case I'm not allowed to even read it! Without reading it, how can I tell if I received it in error? Come to that I'm not even allowed to "peruse" the warning message! I'm not in the habit of reading the last sentences of emails first, anyway.

Arnie, that is so funny. I'd say once it's in your mailbox, it's yours. While the U.S. mail has laws about receiving the wrong mail, I am morally certain that the Internet doesn't. So who are they to say what you "may not" do?

I just received this email:

quote:

Irene Sendler passed away. God bless her courageous soul!
Claudia
P.S. This is a write up on her
http://richards-creations.net/Pages/8/_Irena-s_Children.html

Here's a Wikipedia article about her.

This is a keeper. I received it today from my daughter:

THOUGHTS FROM ACROSS THE POND

"We, in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

"On one side, you have a pants wearing lawyer, married to a lawyer who cant keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer who goes to the wrong church who is married to yet another lawyer who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run.

"Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate Mc terminology married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship.

"What in Lord's name are you lads thinking over there in the colonies?"

Which makes me even more glad that in the UK we do not vote for our leader.

By the way, I assume everyone knows I wasn't making a political point here (with all these different humors, one never knows). It was strictly a joke. I think everyone knows that I am a dyed in the wool liberal Democrat anyway, strongly supportive of Obama.

I just found it very funny, especially given the context of this forum.

Somehow I suspect that that didn't originate in Ireland.

Two obvious giveaways are the use of "pants" instead of "trousers" and the reference to "the colonies".

Oh, I suspect so, too, arnie. When I read it, I thought Americans were trying too hard to sound Irish, with "lads" and "colonies." However, I didn't think about "pants." Would the Irish use "trousers" instead of "pants"? We definitely wouldn't; "trousers" seems a bit old-fashioned.

quote:

Would the Irish use "trousers" instead of "pants"? We definitely wouldn't; "trousers" seems a bit old-fashioned.

I'm not sure about the Irish, but the British surely would. Pants are always undergarments.

I can confirm that the Irish definitely call them "trousers", not "pants", in the same way as the rest of the English-speaking world apart from America.

Also, since Ireland was itself a colony of the British, the Irish are hardly likely to refer to the USA as "the colonies", are they?

I conducted an experiment this morning. I said to Shu, "Where are your trousers?" He said, "What?? I answered, "Where are your trousers?" He said, "What do you mean??!!"

You see, we just don't use the word at all, at least in the Chicago area. We call women's undergarments panties. What are men's called? Perhaps just "jockey shorts" or "boxers"? Is there some other term, American men? "Underwear" could be used, but that's a more general term, especially for women.

Last question: Does that question mark above belong within or without the quotes? Since I was only putting quotes around the word, I thought the question mark should go outside the quotes. But I wasn't sure.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Kalleh,

commando

Both men and women wear pants - when referring to undergarments. Usually the design is slightly different, though. There are plenty of other names in use, however.

Nurse to British patient: "Please take off your pants so that I can change that leg dressing."

Nurse leaves to provide some privacy, returning with her tray of dressings. Much to her surprise, a nake patient awaits her!

There once was a woman named Dante
Whose underwear was mostly scante
She wore her bandeau
As leau as it’d geau
To cover up her scante pante

Pick one from group F and one from group M:

Female:
baby doll, bandeau, bikini, bloomers, bodice, body-stocking, brassiere (various types), briefs, bustle, camisole, chastity belt, chemise, chemissette, corselet, corset, crinoline, crotchless panties, cutty sark, drawers, farthingale, girdle, g-string, knickers,leotard, lingerie, merry widow, pantalets, panties, petticoat, pettipants, scanties, shimmy, slip, smock, step-ins, tap pants, teddy, thong, tournure, truss, underall, underpants, undies, wyliecoat
Male:
baggies, boxer shorts, breechcloth, briefs, BVDs, codpiece, cup, drawers, flannels, jockey shorts, jockstrap, linens, loincloth, long johns, long underwear, shorts, singlet, skivvies, tank top, thermals, t-shirt, underdrawers, underwear, underpants, undershort, underdrawers, undervest, union suit, unmentionables, woolens

This message has been edited. Last edited by: <Proofreader>,

quote:

Pick one from group F and one from group M:

I'd rather not, if you don't mind...

Believe me, I see nothing wrong
If any girl shows off her thong
Or knickers or scanties
Or bloomers or panties.
I’d watch that sight all the day long.

Or should that be "site" in line 5?