quote:

I’d watch that sight all the day long.

As in tumescent?

As in website.

While I spoke of sights very pleasant
You had to make them seem aberrent.
I am too refined
To be so inclined.
Just undies won't make me tumescent.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: <Proofreader>,

Wow, between you and Proofreader, it's like the early days here and here and here . There are more of course, but when I searched, there were over 800 posts with the word "limericks" in them!

Then of course we have our DD threads here and here. There are 184 matches for the word "dactyl!" We do have fun here.

I will only try double dactyls when I run out of limericks.

Oh they are so fun!

When I met Jerry in Hawaii, he had some people over for a great party. Jerry turned to me and whispered in my ear, "Have you noticed that his (one of his friend's) name could be used in a double dactyl?" That's exactly how you think when you like DDs. I remember how excited I felt when I realized Jennifer Aniston has a double dactyl name. [It doesn't take much to make me excited! ]

Obviously your minds must run in the same gutter - er - channel.. I, on the other hand, am unable, parenthetically, to think of six-syllable words.

No problem; they're also here for the names and here for the 6-syllable words. [It took me so long to find those posts! ]

KALLEH,

quote:

"Have you noticed that his (one of his friend's) name could be used in a double dactyl?"

Our friend Werner Van Heidendahl sends you his best regards.

~~~~~~~ jerry

Higgledy-piggledy
Wordcrafter Proofreader
Composes limericks
All of the time

He gets the meter down
Idiosyncratically
And seldom finds the
Right word for his rhyme.

Is that what you mean?

My brother sent me this.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: tinman,

quote:

My brother sent me this:

I only see a box with a red "x" in it.

Ok, now I've fixed it. I hope.

At least the box and x disappeared.

Just click on the link.

Hilarious!

I found this in an old e-mail and added a few of my own at the end. I put it in Wordplay but I guess, since it's an e-mail, it belongs here.

It's been discovered that artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from the former Yugoslavia, U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh
The brother from Illinois, Chica Gogh
His rapper/magician cousin, Wherediddy Gogh
The Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin’s American half-brother, Grin Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh
A sister who loves disco, Go Gogh
The nephew who drove a stagecoach, Wellsfar Gogh
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin, Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh
The bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh
His California cousin, Sandy A Gogh
His author cousin, Victor Hugh Gogh
His gambling aunt, Carmen Gogh
His overweight brother, Cris Gogh
The colorful archeologist brother, Indi Gogh
His unwell cousin, Impeti Gogh
His peripatetic cousin, Onthe Gogh
His Olympic track star cousin, Mark Set Gogh
His explorer uncle, Galapa Gogh
The Japanese cousin, No Gogh
The Caribbean twin sisters, Trinidad and Toba Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh

I got this in an email today. It's been on the internet for a while, but this is the first I've seen of it. It seems that some versions are longer than others, suggesting that people have been adding to it as it gets passed around. Perhaps you can add a few.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...
_____________________________________________________________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I
want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...
_____________________________________________________________________________________

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...
____________________________________________________________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...
_____________________________________________________________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My goodness!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
_____________________________________________________________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...
_____________________________________________________________________________________

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....
_____________________________________________________________________________________

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....
_____________________________________________________________________________________

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.

And then the fight started...
_____________________________________________________________________________________

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Mercy sakes! That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed, scared and naked, and jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...
_____________________________________________________________________________________

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....
_____________________________________________________________________________________

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....
_____________________________________________________________________________________


____________________________________________________________________________________

This message has been edited. Last edited by: tinman,

Those are funny - thanks for sharing them!

She said, "I've never really done this kind of thing before, have You?"

He said, "Well, yes I have, but only a time or two."

"Back-street romance, low-rent rendezvous."

Behind every successful man, there's a woman.

The trouble begins when his wife finds out about her.

That's when the fight starts.

The girl said to her boyfriend, "How many woman have you slept with?"
"I don't want to tell you. That's way too personal and you might get mad."
"No, I promise. I won't get mad. I really want to know."
"OK, let's see. 1 - 2 - 3 - you - 5 -6 - 7 - "
And then the fight started.
________________________________________________
The young girl asked her boyfriend, "Am I the best lover you've ever had?
"Of the women, yes."
And the fight erupted.

quote:

"How many woman have you slept with?"

"Who's got time for sleeping?"

... and then .....

Ah, those are good!

I received this one just tonight...on my work email:

Re: Intestate Claim.

I know this email may come to you as a surprise, Please note that I am
writing you with utmost confidentiality and I hope you treat this email as
such. My name is Mr. James Olsen and I was privileged to serve as the
legal adviser and investment officer of my deceased client who lost his
life a few years ago.

In the process of reviewing his bank financial reports it was discovered
that he left the sum of 3.8M GBP INTESTATE. Upon enquiry for his kins I
discovered that you are related to him as well as shared a common last
names, hence my contacting you so that I can give you further briefing on
my intention and how to go about the facilitation and disbursement of the
estate he left behind.

I will most appreciate your prompt response, as that would enable us to
start the claims process immediately.

kind Regards,
James Olsen.

I rather enjoyed this part: "my deceased client who lost his life a few years ago"

Here's a letter I received several years ago on official church letterhead.

Dear Friend:

Perhaps you have heard of me and my work in the cause of temperance. Every year, for the past twenty, I have traveled the United States lecturing extensively on the evils of imbibing strong drink.

Accompanying me on these tours has been my good friend Arthur Swanson, a young man of impeccable background and breeding who, several years ago, became addicted to alcohol and other strong brews. Arthur would would sit on the platform beside me as I was speaking, squinting at the audience through bleary, bloodshot eyes, saliva drooling from the corners of his lax lips, an idiot’s grin festooned on his bright-red countenance. I would point to him as a prime example of the destruction imbibing whiskey, wine and vodka could wreak on a person. I believe much of my success in the cause was due to the frightful sight Arthur presented to the spectators.

Unfortunately, this winter, poor Arthur died.

A mutual friend has suggested your name and I was wondering if you would like to go with me this summer and take poor Arthur’s place.


Yours in the faith,

quote:

A mutual friend has suggested your name and I was wondering if you would like to go with me this summer and take poor Arthur’s place.

If you buy the beer, yes!

I"ll forward your name to the minister, Richard.

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato', and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay'.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......

Are you ready for this?


Are you sure?


*

*


OK! Here it is!


*

*

*

*


A COMMONTATER

I see no reason they couldn't marry and raise their little Tater Tots.

I recently received this email:

Male or Female? You might not have known this...but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:


FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.


PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off....it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.


TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated


HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... because to get them to go anywhere......you have to light a fire under their arse.


SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft.....squeezable and retain water.


WEB PAGES: Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.


TRAINS: Definitely male... because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.


EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because...over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom.


HAMMERS: Male... because in the last 5000 years.....they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.


THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male...but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying.





With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots...especially during evening hours...the Motherwell City Council has established a 'Women Only' parking lot at the Tesco shopping centre. Even the parking attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Here is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Motherwell!

edited to fix link

This message has been edited. Last edited by: tinman,

quote:

Here is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Motherwell !

That link didn't work for me but here's one that does http://forums.jetphotos.net/showthread.php?t=46548.

This particular picture has been attributed to many different locations - mainly US not Scottish - but my guess is that it is somewhere in Europe judging by the vehicles. The picture, according to the date stamp on one that I saw, was taken in 2004.

Never mind the picture. Scroll down to the video and watch a woman trying to park.

Oh that is so hilarious!

However, just ask Shu...I am one woman who is an expert at parallel parking. I have been known, in downtown Chicago, to parallel park with one inch on each end of the car. So there!

quote:

Never mind the picture. Scroll down to the video and watch a woman trying to park.

I think there are definitely grounds for including parking in the driving test. Oh, by the way, click on the loudspeaker emblem to mute the sound as soon as possible - it is surely almost the most irritating noise known to man!

This video http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=9b5_1185748229 is also funny - it took the driver over 4 minutes to realise that she was wasting her time as the space she was trying to park in was about 6 inches shorter than her car!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Richard English,

I think there are definitely grounds for including parking in the driving test.

There are in California. At least for parallel parking. I also remember having to execute a three-point turn as part of my driving test.

I'm pretty sure the parallel parking test is ubiquitous in the USA. As for the three-point turn, I did mine perfectly: ran over one pedestrian, one bicyclist, and a cat.

quote:

it took the driver over 4 minutes to realise that she was wasting her time as the space she was trying to park in was about 6 inches shorter than her car!

You sure that wasn't Kalleh?

quote:

I'm pretty sure the parallel parking test is ubiquitous in the USA.

Well, it's about half a century since I took mine so things might have changed. But I certainly didn't have to prove my ability to park. I did, though, have to prove my ability to give hand-signals - few of which I have ever had to use since.

I was in the Engineers in the army (don't ask which one) and an Army driver's license was a requirement since we had so many vehicles. I already had a RI DL but that wasn't good enough. So I was instructed for about five minutes on how to drive a 2 1/2-ton truck and sent to get a license. Someone else drove the truck to the office where I took it for the road test.

The examiner got in and had me drive around the block. The truck was very sluggish but I went around the block several times. then I asked the examiner how I did. He said, "You drove it OK but you forgot to take off the emergency brake."

The other driver put it on without telling me and I thus failed the test. And that was my military career in a nutshell.

Economic modelling: The cash cow

SOCIALISM
You have two cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have two cows.
The state takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have two cows.
The state takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have two cows.
The state takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have two cows.
The state takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away ...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

THE FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and successfully market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have two cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows.
None of them belongs to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You hack websites suggesting anything to the contrary.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the s**t out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but you are now part of a democracy that brings two all-beef-patties ...

US CAR MAKERS
You continue building cows no-one is buying.
They eat too much, weigh too much and use old technology.
You continue to pay yourself millions of dollars in salary and bonuses.
You are losing billions monthly.
You fly to Washington in your private jet with no new ideas asking for taxpayer bailouts.
Washington tells you to come up with some new ideas.
You fly back again and complain to the media.
You declare Chapter 11 bankruptcy and pay your self a multi-million dollar bonus for contract termination.

US BANKERS
You arrange loans for people who have no income, job or assets so they can have cows they cannot afford.
Your company has debts many times the value of the few assets it does have.
Your company fails and begs the Government for 800 billion dollars in handouts.
The Government pays you the money.
You pay yourself million dollar bonuses for being the “Best and Brightest”.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive ...

Disclaimer: This was received via an Australian friend so any racial and other stereotypes are presumably seen from an Oz viewpoint.

A Nigerian Corporation

My dear Colleague.
I am the son of the Agricultural Minister and, after he was assassinated, I became owner of his two cows. I need to get the cows out of the country and I will send them to your pasture if you will forward transportation expenses.

Hmm. When can we elect a surrealist government?

When can we elect a surrealist government?

Hmm, not sure about the UK, but the USA have had plenty.

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self- help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "Get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented?

34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

You've just done ten minutes of Jimmy Carr's act. I hope you paid the royalties.

He's actually been in trouble this week for this gag:

With all the soldiers losing arms and legs in Iraq we're gonna have one f***ing good paralympics team.

The trouble is that the soldiers in question seem to find it funny, it's other people getting offended on their behalf kicking up a fuss.

I have no idea whre that came from. I got it as an e-mail yesterday.

I know what you mean about handicaps. We had a blind man who told all sorts of jokes about the sightless. Finally we had to say, "Finish putting up the shades and get out."

I received this in an email the other day.

Alas, Snopes says it's not true.

Well, sometimes Snopes is like Scrooge. It was so funny!