I was asked to edit a personal statement that a prospective law student wrote. Since my daughter is a law student, I gave it to her to comment on, and she was much more positive than I would have been. Here is the first sentence:
"My passion for acquiring knowledge which enables the derivation of solutions, through reasoning and critical thinking, is the primary driver of my resolve to become a student of Law."
Now, except for capitalizing "law", I couldn't really see any grammatical errors. Yet, it is so awkward. The whole statement read like that! What do you say?
My daughter was more diplomatic than I would have been, and she wrote, "...make the structure of the sentences and word choice a bit simpler....'My passion for acquiring knowledge which enables the derivation of solutions, through reason and critical thinking' -- I wasn't exactly sure what this phrase implies....I think it would be more helpful for it to be a bit simpler and more straightforward, with less complicated words..."
My point being--why do so many people write in such a complicated way, often making it impossible to understand? Do they think it makes them seem more intelligent?
Ridiculously round-about writing of this sort, particularly when coming from someone in a position of responsibility (i.e. lawyers) is just the sort of thing that leads to a change in career. This change often reflects a move towards a field in which the writer is better suited.
If I were counselling this person, I might suggest that he or she abandon the obfuscation and begin researching phrases which might enhance a future, more appropriate, career. Something along the lines of "Would you like fries with that?" for example.
Possibly. But some people use complex language simply to confuse.
I had a boss once who would write submissions in complex language simply to try to get them through "on the nod". People just couldn't be bothered to go through the slough of arcane verbosity in search of the few gems of genuine information!
He occasionally used to ask me to give him a Latin phrase that he could slip in and I know he did it just to add to the confusion!
My own view is that simple language is usually better, especially if you don't know the nature of your audience. Of course, when I write for this board, I know I am aiming my words at people with a far higher grasp of language than is the norm and thus I feel able on occasion to indulge myself!
Richard English
Posts: 8038 | Location: Partridge Green, West Sussex, UK
Thanks for confirming my thoughts, everyone! I thought he should have just thrown the blasted thing out (you didn't read the whole statement; it was all like that!), but my daughter was a bit more generous with him. I agree, Richard, that often people write like that with the intention of confusing others; I also think they write like that when they themselves are confused.
In my school, we conventionally capitalise subjects, so Law is fine. We might also put grades in bold type or italics. Neither are great grammatically, but they make speed-reading much easier, and that is a good thing in personal statements, etc.
As for that first sentence...at least it made sense. If the girl wrote it off her own back then she clearly has talent. Some of my students also produce first drafts of personal statements which are completely composed of such sentences (where there is an active verb linking two ideas, and everything is qualified). I try and tell them that not every sentence has to be a killer.
