Asa sent me some bloopers that occurred in church bulletins, and then I found some that were found in nurses' charts. I thought you might enjoy them:

Actual writings from hospital charts:
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

I've always thought that "The holiest position is on the knees", was pretty funny.

Here is what Asa had sent me. Thanks, Asa!

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
* * * * * * * * *
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be
speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear
Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
* * * * * * * * * * *
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
* * * * * * * * * *
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"
* * * * * * * * * *
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday
at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us
kill Christ the King.
* * * * * * * * *
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance
to get rid of those things not worth keeping around
the house. Don't forget your husbands.
* * * * * * * * * *
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
canceled due to a conflict.
* * * * * * * * * *
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say
"Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
* * * * * * * * * *
Don't let worry kill you off......let the Church help.
* * * * * * * * * *
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way
again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
* * * * * * * * * *
For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.
* * * * * * * * * *
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
* * * * * * * * * *
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors
for more transfusions. She is also having trouble
sleeping. She has requested tapes of Pastor Jack's
sermons.
* * * * * * * * * *
The Rector will preach his farewell message after
which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
* * * * * * * * * *
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church and so ends a friendship that
began in their school days.
* * * * * * * * * *
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the
church hall. Music will follow.
* * * * * * * * *
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will
be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir
practice.
* * * * * * * * * *
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the
addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
* * * * * * * * * *
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other
items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple
children.
* * * * * * * * * *
Please place your donation in the envelope along with
the deceased person you want remembered.
* * * * * * * * * *
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and
heave a healthy lunch.
* * * * * * * * * *
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.
* * * * * * * * * *
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow
* * * * * * * * * *
The ladies of the Church have cast-off clothing of
every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday
afternoon.
* * * * * * * * * *
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in
the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and
come prepared to sin.
* * * * * * * * * *
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10
AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship
Hall after the B. S. is done.
* * * * * * * * *
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles for
the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
* * * * * * * * * *
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7
PM. Please use the back door.
* * * * * * * * * *
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
* * * * * * * * * *
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at
the side entrance.
* * * * * * * * * *
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new
tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My
Pledge - Up Yours."