"Maybe I'll get around to procrastinating some day."

There is one line that I have heard in a few British movies that absolutely never fails to make me laugh out loud both at the time I hear it and then again for several days afterwards when I recall the scene. It always involves two men, one of whom is both angry and frustrated with the other (John Cleese elevated this to an art form) to the point of becoming incoherent at which time he hurls a totally British insult at the second man: You TIT!!!

You would never hear that in the states but I truly see it as hilarious! It's just a funny, funny line. I'm laughing now just typing it.

This is from a site called Great Boyfriends, on which a certain woman friend listed me. The sentence, addressed to men, sounds a bit onanistic if read in the right (or wrong) way: The future happiness of the female sex is your hands!

I have a colleague who has the funniest lines I've ever heard! Whenever I am with him, I am laughing uproariously the whole time. CJ's one-liner reminds me of one he always uses:

"Don't get your tit in a wringer about it!" Ouch!

Asa, that is a good example of how differently English can be interpreted!

I have to say that it was not until I cut and pasted this into another document that I could see what it said.

On my screen and at my text size, in its italicised capital letter form it looked like "you seven seven seven!"

Richard English

quote:

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On my screen and at my text size, in its italicised capital letter form it looked like "you seven seven seven!"

---

That's what I thought it said, too. Thanks for the clarification!

I heard an excellent speaker today, and he had some great one-liners:

An actual sign: "If you can't read, call."

"I was eating fish when I suddenly realized that I was eating a slow learner."

quote:

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Originally posted by Kalleh:
I heard an _excellent_ speaker today, and he had some great one-liners:

An _actual_ sign: "If you can't read, call."

---

As an active volunteer with an adult literacy group, I can attest that there is an apocryphal story, that we in the movement have all heard, to the effect that some other literacy group actually ran a newspaper ad like the sign you quoted. Probably every literacy group has heard that story about the other group that engaged in such foolishness.

There is a serious background to this. The biggest problem we have is in persuading people to come forward for help. We have solid evidence that a large percentage of adults are functionally illiterate.(I won't quote the percentage figure because you just won't believe it.) So, at any given time, we have teachers without students! People seldom answer our T.V. and radio ads because, apparently, they are embarrassed to admit they have trouble reading. (I can't really believe anyone placed a newspaper ad....It would be funny, if it wasn't so sad!)

quote:

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Originally posted by Duncan Howell:
As an active volunteer with an adult literacy group...

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Maybe you should work with this guy.

Tinman

quote:

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As an active volunteer with an adult literacy group

---

I was a volunteer for a few years in the seventies. There was then a change in administration, and they insisted that everyone who wanted to help had a formal teaching qualification. All volunteers like me were told we were no longer wanted.

As you say, the biggest barrier to people seeking help was embarassment in admitting they had a problem.

arnie, I cannot believe that they wouldn't let you, of all people, tutor adults about language. I am absolutely positive that your knowledge about language would blow any of them out of the water. That is another of those lousy bureaucratic decisions.

Duncan, what a hilarious picture!

These are a few suggestions that the Chicago Tribune has for Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf's future in marketing:

- McDonald's spokesman: "French fries are the food of champion warriors! Nutritionists are wet-dog infidels!"

- Hong Kong tourism chief: "Everybody in Asia is in perfect health, ready to defeat the lying medical weasels from the West."

- New head of Martha Stewart Omnimedia: "I will rip out the guts of the SEC chairman and use them as decorative ribbon for a gift basket!"

- Russell Crowe's spokesman: "Evil creeps spread nonsense about Russell carousing and getting into bar fights, but this is a falsehood! He spends every night at home with his kittens and bunnies."

- Augusta National president: "We have many women members. To those who say we don't, we throw our shoes at you."

- Michael Jackson's PR person: "Michael Jackson has had no plastic surgery! He is a virile, manly heterosexual man who is the lover of many, many beautiful women!"

- United Airlines vice president: "We are not in bankruptcy. Our on-time record is 100 percent. And we serve three-course gourmet dinners to passengers in coach."

- Enron spokesman: "The foul stooges of government soil the honor of this righteous company!"

Guess I just like one-liners!
From today's "Natural Selection" comic in the newspaper:

Guidance Counselor to Mom...."Ma'am, if there's any truth to the old adage, 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing', then your son is the most lethal creature in existence!"

I suppose that it says something about the counsellor as well, since he or she was unaware of the correct rendition of Pope's quotation:

"A little learning is a dangerous thing; Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring"

One of the commonest misquotations, I fear, along with "Gilding the lily" and "Fresh fields and pastures new". And not to overlook, of course, "Elementary, my dear Watson".

Richard English

quote:

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One of the commonest misquotations, I fear, along with "Gilding the lily" and "Fresh fields and pastures new". And not to overlook, of course, "Elementary, my dear Watson".

Richard English

---

And let's not ignore popular culture - "Beam me up Scotty", "Me Tarzan, you Jane", "Play it again, Sam", "You dirty rat" and "Why don't you come up and see me sometime."

Vescere bracis meis.

Read all about my travels around the world here.
Read even more of my travel writing and poems on my weblog.

quote:

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Originally posted by BobHale:
And let's not ignore popular culture - "Beam me up Scotty", "Me Tarzan, you Jane", "Play it again, Sam", "You dirty rat" and "Why don't you come up and see me sometime."

---

Also "Judy! Judy! Judy!" as used by every Cary Grant impressionist of the 1950's & 60's.

But "Beam me up, Scotty"?? You're saying that this was never uttered in any of the original Star Trek episodes?

Also, regarding the Iraqi Minister of Misinformation, I heard that there was a site devoted to his "greatest hits" (I think #1 was "Lying is not permitted in Iraq!") but when I tried the site www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister I got nowhere. Anyone else hear about this site?

A P.S. Thanks, B.H. I had the address slightly wrong (it's corrected above) but the site is a fun one for as far as it goes.

[This message was edited by C J Strolin on Mon Apr 14th, 2003 at 15:04.]

quote:

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Originally posted by C J Strolin:

But "Beam me up, Scotty"?? You're saying that this was never uttered in any of the original Star Trek episodes?

Also, regarding the Iraqi Minister of Misinformation, I heard that there was a site devoted to his "greatest hits" (I think #1 was "Lying is not permitted in Iraq!") but when I tried the site

---

Yep. Never said in that form at all. According to the Oxford Dictionary of 20th Century Quotations the nearest was "Beam us up, Mister Scott" in an episode called "The Gamesters of Triskelion".

As for the Iraqi site it was down for a while but seems to be up again
here
Vescere bracis meis.

Read all about my travels around the world here.
Read even more of my travel writing and poems on my weblog.

Interesting discussion. Richard, where is the mistake in "Elementary, my dear Watson"? I admit to never having heard the full rendition of Pope's quote, and it is so much better!

CJ, I wasn't able to pull up that site about the Iraqi Information Minister, and at this point he is one of my favorite people (for you serious ones, I am just kidding )! He is so funny! I want to read more of his quotes.

The mistake is a simple one. Conan Doyle never, in all his books, ever had Holmes say that phrase!

"My dear Watson" - of course. "Elementary" - certainly. Indeed, I believe Holmes once said, "My dear Watson, it's quite elementary".

But " Elementary my dear Watson", never!

Richard English

Ding-a-ling ding-a-ling
Bell, Alexander Graham,
Phoned in emergency
(Not nine one one)

Needing assistance he
Semideliriously,
Paraphrased, pleadingly,
"Come here, Watson"

[This message was edited by jerry thomas on Tue Apr 15th, 2003 at 15:08.]

quote:

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Originally posted by Richard English:

One of the commonest misquotations, I fear, along with "Gilding the lily".....

---

But, Richard...I really thought this was a good quotation. O.K. Gimme the straight dope on this one, please.

This has reached the level of idiom, although in fact it is a misquotation. Shakespeare (in King John) actually said "To gild refined gold, to paint the lily... / Is wasteful and ridiculous excess".

Another incomplete, thus erroneous quotation is, "When ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise." Simply rendering it, "Ignorance is bliss" alters the meaning considerably. I've forgotten the originator - Goldsmith, perhaps?

Thomas Gray, actually, in Ode on a distant prospect of Eton College [1742].

An intelligent article on this subject is Enlarging the Frame.

At least I couldn't pull up CJ's site, so here it is again.

It was reportedly down for a few days because it was getting 4,000 hits a second! Now, if only wordcraft could learn the secret!

Another funny line I heard just tonight on television:
"My father is so dense that he thought the lesson from the Garden of Eden story was not to eat while you're naked!"

My father is so dense that he thought the lesson from the Garden of Eden story was
not to eat while you're naked!"
-----------------------------
Eden, schmeden - based on the women I know, Lilith's making a comeback!

quote:

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Originally posted by Morgan:
"Maybe I'll get around to procrastinating some day."

---

Heard a Judy Tenuda (comedian, definately an acquired taste) line that ties in with the opening post of this thread:

My mother always said I'd never be a success because I was such a procrastinator. I told her, "Just wait!"

quote:

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"..."Elementary, my dear Watson"? ..."

... Conan Doyle never, in all his books, ever had Holmes say that phrase!

---

I do believe who made "Elementary, my dear Watson!" famous was Basil Rathbone (or rather the screen writer) in the series of SH movies...

A workmate mused today, "If Turkmen and Kurds intermarry, are their kids Turds?"

quote:

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One of the commonest misquotations, I fear, along with "Gilding the lily" and "Fresh fields and pastures new". And not to overlook, of course, "Elementary, my dear Watson".

---

I just read about another today: "The proof is in the pudding" as heard by a Tribune reporter on NPR. The correct quotation traces back to 1615 from Miguel de Cervantes' novel "Don Quixote" (some claim it even goes back farther than that); the correct quote, of course, is: "The proof of the pudding is in the eating."

You all know how cranky I get when a thread is locked! The pun thread is locked so I am putting these here. My friend, whom I just cannot seem to bring to this site, sent these to me:

A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
A will is defined as a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In a democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your Count votes.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

Okay, so they're not all that great! Some of them are funny, right?

I heard this today on the radio; I don't recall the details:

Reporter asks a player from a sports team that has lost something like 18 games in a row what he thinks of his team's execution. The athlete replied, "I'm all for it!"

...and (insert name of national politician of choice) is supposed to have asked Congresswoman Bella Abzug "What should I do about that abortion bill?" Her reply, of course, was "Pay it !"

In which of the James Bung movies did Sean Connery say, "Alimentary, my dear Watson," after finding the jewels - or whatever - in a dead man's intestines?

You've heard about the lady who backed into an airplane propeller? Disaster.

Tinman

Have you read "The Diarrhea Attack," by Willie Makit (illustrated by Betty Wont) ?????????

Jerry, I missed this. I think I will skip that book, especially the illustrations!

Poor Jayson Blair is really getting it here in the states. For those Brits who may not have heard, he was the young NY Times reporter who was fired for plagiarism and making up his stories. The following are readers' ideas (from the Chicago Tribune) to the tell-all that he is bound to write. These are just a few:

"The Blair Wit Project"
"Selling Out and Sleeping In"
"Paid, Played and Betrayed"
"Mr. Write Wrongs America"
"Just the Faux, Ma'am"
"Mission: Imposter"
"The Times They are a Changing"
"The Me Lie Massacre"

Of course, U.S. newspapers are loving this!

The Jayson Blair story was covered in the UK. I confess, though, when I first saw the headline, "Blair sacked for lying" my heart leapt for joy thinking that it was our present Prime Minister.

A moment's thought made me realise that it couldn't be. If you sacked politicians every time they told lies you pretty soon have none left.

Richard English

If you sacked politicians
every time they told lies you pretty soon have none left.
-----------------------------------------------
And where's the trouble in that?

A friend sent me this wonderful book from 1929 called, "The Linebook". Here is the first line:

Hew to the Line, let the quips fall where they may.

Another funny line from that 1929 "Linebook":

We protest against a war between Russia and China at this moment. How can we keep an eye on the Farm Relief Commission, the war, and the bare-legged flappers all at one and the same time?

I think I'd have not bothered with the war or the farm relief commission!

Am I alone in my view that the "flapper" dresses of the 1920s were rather titilating?

Richard English

I haven't got the legs for them, I'm afraid.

Welcome back, Bear! I bet your legs are very cute! I tried to find a good picture on the Web of flapper dresses, but this was the best I could do.

The ones I've seen seemed mainly composed of chiffon scarves.

I do wear the kilt, though.

I do wear the kilt, though.
______________________________

And that's all?

I thought kilts were for the Scots? Am I wrong?

"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
~~ Groucho Marx

I must say, I always thought that myself!

I had the pleasure of seeing "Sheer Madness" at the Kennedy Center tonight. It takes place in a beauty parlor, and they answer the phone with:
"Hello. We curl up and dye."