1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move
3 Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
4. If you're bad at haggling, you'll end up paying the price.
5. Just so everyone's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.
6. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
7. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
8. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
9. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
10. My friends and I have named our band 'Duvet'. It's a cover band.
11. I lost my girlfriend's audiobook, and now I'll never hear the end of it.
12. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
13. When I told my contractor I didn't want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stare.
14. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, "Oh no, not U2 again."
15. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it's a whole sentence.
16. I'm trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
17. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won't lie, it was a rocky road
18. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
19 I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness
Did you know that the late Boston Pops conducter once had a rehearsal on his front lawn while he perched on his house's chimney? It was Fiedler on The Roof.