More than two years ago, tinman started a thread with the words, "LaughLab has culled through over 40,000 jokes submitted by readers to find the world's funniest joke. And the winner is..."

The thread has gotten long, so I'll start it over with a joke which, last fall, won a joke-competition in Readers' Digest magazine.

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. . . .An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
. . . .The old timer said, "I’m a turkey hunter and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains."
. . . .The doctor said, "Well, I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
. . . .The old timer replied, "Who said my dad’s dead?"
. . . .Said the doctor, amazed, "You mean you’re 80 years old and your dad’s still alive? How old is he?" The old timer said, "He’s 100 years old and, in fact, he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that’s why he’s still alive... he’s a turkey hunter."
. . . .The doctor said, "Well, that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it. How about your dad’s dad? How old was he when he died?"
. . . .Said the old timer casually, "Who said my grandpa’s dead?"
. . . .The doctor said, "You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! How old is he?" Replied the old timer said, "Grandaddy's 118 years old last month."

. . . .The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?" The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he got married." The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

. . . .The old timer said, "Who said he wants to?"

O'Rourke staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, he sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..
In the morning, O'Rourke woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

O'Rourke said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Geoff,

Hey, remember Hic?

I loved this one:

Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year,

And every year Ed would say,

" Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Norma always replied,

" I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said,

" Norma, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Norma replied,

" Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed! "

Ed replied,


" Well, to tell you the truth

I almost said something when Norma fell out,

But you know...

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on:
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, or when the job takes longer than you said it would."
"You're all wrong," said the fifth surgeon. "Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine -- and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

Proof, there's no accounting for humor. I thought the surgeon joke was so hilarious I sent it around on email (something I never do). My husband's reaction was "meh"; he thought it 'just sarcastic, not actually funny.

I just heard one about the old man who was going through the attic looking for something and found a box. When he opened it he found $25,000 and two doilies. He brought the box down stairs to his wife of fifty years and asked if she knew about it.

"Yes," she said. "it's mine."

"I don't understand. Please explain it to me," he said.

"When we got married, my mother told me every time I got mad at you I was to crochet a doily and that is exactly what I did."

Tears came to the man's eyes as he realized that in fifty years he had only made her angry twice.

"That explains the doilies," he said. "But where did you get all that money?"

"That's the profit I made selling the other doilies."

So that's where we get the saying, "Give us this day our doily bread?"

Mr. Kesselman, the baker, went to see Pope Francis with a business deal. He told the Pope he would give a million dollars to the Catholic Church under one condition.

Intrigued, the new Pope asked, "What in the world could make you, a Jew, offer such a sum to another religion?"

"Business, your holiness. You know every day when you say the Lord's Prayer to the assembled crowd?"

"Yes, I do."

"For the million bucks, when you say 'Give us this day our daily bread', tell them to make it Kesselman's."

C redit this to David Letterma:

They'vejust announced the development of a new condom tht tastes like bacon. Manufacturer recommends that, before you put it on, you make sure the dog is locked up.

Or put one in the hip pocket of your local politician.

I heard this one many years ago and just found it again today.

Harry, a first-grader, demanded that his teacher be available for a "meeting" after school.

At the appointed time, the teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher, hearing this before, had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited outside the office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 times 3?"

Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 times 6?"

Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Not so fast. Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal looked visibly shaken.)

Harry: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was ready.)

Harry: "Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Harry: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I?' sort of questions, okay?"

Harry: "Yup"

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."

Harry: "Tent"

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." (The principal is looking more and more amazed.)

Harry: "Wedding Ring"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last few questions wrong myself."

In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there!" said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?

The doctor came to the hillbilly home to deliver a baby. He went into the mother's room with his satchel and told the father to get some hot water ready.

A few minutes later, the doctor came out and asked if the man had some pliers. The man searched a drawer and gave them to the doc, who re-entered the room.

some time later, the doc exited and asked if the man had a hammer. Concerned, the man nonetheless procured a hammer, which the doc took into the room.

A short time later, the doc came out and asked for a hacksaw. Byt now, the husband was very concerned and asked, "My wife. Is she all right?"

"Your wife is doing fine," said the doc. "I'm just having trouble opening my bag."

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !

Dear Ms Manners

Q: Is it permissible to eat pizza with your fingers?
A: No. You should eat your fingers separately.

Dear Miss Manner:
Q. I shall be at a wealthy relative's home this summer. The question has arisen as to which hand should be used when wiping oneself in the bathroom. Is it the right hand or the left hand?

A. Neither hand. One should always use toilet paper.

hahaha....that there's funny, I don't care who y'are.

Dear Miss Manners:

Q. I have been called, variously by my friends and relations, both a drunk and an alcoholic. What is the difference?

A. A drunk does not go to meetings.

Not really a joke, but I liked this:

Composer Giacomo Puccini and conductor Arturo Toscanini were friends who sometimes feuded. One Christmas, Puccini sent Toscanini a traditional holiday gift — an Italian sweet bread called a panettone. Then Puccini remembered that he and Toscanini were on bad terms, and he followed up with a telegram reading: PANETTONE SENT BY MISTAKE. PUCCINI. He got a telegram back: PANETTONE EATEN BY MISTAKE. TOSCANINI.

Dear Miss Manners:

Q.Is rehab really the best way to treat alcoholism and its related problems?

A. Indeed it is, Miss Lohan.

Dear Miss Manners:

Q. I've always thought items like outdoor lounges and chairs were invented by the French. However, my wife insists they were originally made in Ireland. Is she right?

A. Your wife is correct. In fact, it is all named after the Irish inventor, Paddy O'Furniture.

Dear Miss Manners:

Q. You seem to know a lot about inventions. I've checked Wikipedia but no one seems to know who invented the toilet seat. Do you have any information?

A. While the actual inventor's name is unknown to history, the toilet seat invention dates back to the invasion of Attila the Hun. Someone fastened several boards together to make the first one. Many centuries later, King Charlemagne perfected the seat by putting a hole in the middle.

A variation on a very old joke:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson, drifting and lost in a hot air balloon, finally spot a cowherd below and ask him where they are.
Cowherd - You are in a hot air balloon.
Holmes - Watson, we're in Russia.
Watson - But Holmes, how can you know that?
Holmes - That man below is a mathematician. His answer is both correct and totally useless.
Watson - I see, but what has Russia to do with that?
Holmes - Because only in Russia do they use mathematicians to herd cows!

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were camping. That night Holmes woke the doctor and said, "Watson. Look up. What do you see?"
Watson looked up and said, "I see the Heavenly firmament, infinite and majestic, mundane yet mysterious. Is that what you see, too?"
"No," said Holmes. "I have perceived that some scoundrel has stolen our tent."

Dear MissManners:

Q. Should I tell my wife about an affair I had?

A. Only if it is either Renaissance or State.

Away at college and far frm her family, a young girl longed for companionship. She decided to buy a dog but knew her parents wouldn't front any money for its purchase. So she lied and said she needed money for a bicycle to transport her to classes. Her father sent a check, and she bought a new pet. Things were fine for several weeks until the puppy began to lose its fur.
Concerned, the girl called home to get money for a vet visit, forgetting her parents didn't know about the dog. "Dad," she said. "I'm in a bit of a spot. All the hair is falling off my Schnauzer."
"Why are you telling me? Just stop riding the damn bike."

Dear Miss Manners:

Q. My daughter is away at college and her friends say she is peddling her ass all over town. What should I do?

A. Take away her bike and learn how to spell "pedalling."

I love Miss Manners!

Dear Miss Manners:

Q. I have a wedding question involving a predicament I have. I hope you can help.

My girlfriend and I are planning our ceremony for August. She should be out of jail by then after serving her full sentence for threatening the President. Her brother will also be released from his child molestation incarceration and we will have time before her mother is executed for murdering the nun. Once she's out, her father (the pimp) says she can have her old job back working out of his stable, so we are set financially. Her uncle (the bank robber) has promised to pay for the reception, which will be well guarded thanks to the police looking for him.

So I have all that squared away but I do have one major difficulty and it is this: How do I tell my fiance that I voted for Mitt?

A. I am too polite to say how revolted I am.

In honor of Father's Day:
Little Johnny was learning to talk and every night he would say his prayers. "Goodnight, Mommy. Good night, Daddy" was his usual ending.
But one night Johnny said "Good night, Mommy. Good night, Daddy, and goodby, Smoochie." The parents wondered why he would say goodby to his favorite pet dog but thought nothing of it until the next day when Smoochie dropped dead.
Still, it was just a coincidence... or so they thought.
Several nights later, Johnny said, 'Good night, Mommy. Good night, Daddy, and goodby Grandma."
The next day Grandma came for a visit but passed away on the living room couch.
Still, it was just coincidence, right?
One night, Johnny said, "Good night, Mommy. Goodby, Daddy." The father was devastated.
The next day he drove at ten miles an hour to avoid an accident on the way to work. At work, he refused to leave his office to get close to dangerous equipment. He didn't eat, worried he might choke on the food. Then he slowly drove home and came into the house.
Happy to have made it home alive, he said to his wife, "My God! You won't believe the day I had..."
"You think you had a bad day? How do you think mine was when I find the Fed Ex delivery man dead on the porch this morning?"

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On my aunt and her lover, he burst.
"I will kill you and then me," he cursed.
But my uncle, the lunk,
Was both stupid and drunk
And committed the suicide first.

The emoticon equivalent of a standing O?

"Must you rub my vagina that way?
And in public, too. You must not play."
"Don't consider me scum
For exploring your bum.
You can see that's my job: TSA."

I extract little joy from my duty
When I search unashamed in your booty.
I inspect every cranny
From cleavage to fanny,
But your husband -- he's my kind of cutey.

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Dear Miss Manners:

Q. I've lost my phone directory with a lot of important phone numbers. I've looked at the various search engines, like Google and Bing, trying to find a way to get the numbers but have been unsuccessful. What should I do?

A. Contact the NSA. They have it all.

Miss Manners demands an apology:
Proof's limericizing scatology!
Perhaps the hot weather?--
His mind's in the nether.
Next: anapestizing urology?

I admit I'm at times slow of wit
And some subtleties I may not git,
But I do not recall
Limming "Manners" at all
And never one mention of "shit."

So, Miss Manners, there's nothing amiss
And no scat is the subject of this,
And not once, dear Bethree,
Will I speak about pee,
Excretions, or urine, or piss.

An old man went to the doctor for his annual checkup and the Doctor asked if there were any changes in his physical condition.
"Well, doc," said the man. "Thirty years ago, when I was forty, I would grab my erection and no matter how hard I pulled I couldn't budge it a bit. Twenty years ago I could try the same thing and still not have it move. The same thing ten years ago. But last night I grabbed my erection and yanked it as hard as I could and it moved about half-an-inch."
"Do you have a question?"
"Yes, I do. Is it possible that I'm getting stronger?"

A man went to the doctor to check out a growth in the middle of his forehead. After examining it, the doctor said, "I haven't seen this in quite a while. It's not too common."
"What is it, doc? Cancer?"
"No, you're simply growing a new penis just above your nose. But don't worry. We can remove it in a few months."
"Months? Why do we have to wait that long? I want it removed as soon as possible."
"We can't take it off until the balls drop."

You two are hilarious - and talented too!

The man said to the doctor, "Isn't that an added complication -- waiting for the balls to drop?"
"Yes, it is. But it's even worse. Once the balls drop, you'll be blind until we can remove them from in front of your eyes."

I'm a bit suspicious of my wife. We just moved to the East Coast from California but still have the same paperboy.

Richard Nixon was the butt of many jokes during his tenure. One told how, when congratulating a pro football team on its winning season, he pulled Bubba Smith, an outstanding black player, aside and said, "I understand you are quite the ladies' man. Do you have any secrets to your success with women?"
"Yes, indeed, Mr. President. Just before I get into bed with a lady, I make sure my dong is ready by tapping it on the bedpost three times.'
The president thanked him for the advice and that night, just before getting into bed with Pat, went to the head of the bed and tapped on it three times with his tool.
Pat raised her head and said, "Is that you, Bubba?"

A minister visited the town's richest citizen, seeking a donation for the needy.
"Pastor," the man said, "Did you know my mother is in a nursing home on her deathbed?"
"No, I'm sorry to hear that."
"And did you know that my brother is in the hospital requiring tound-the-clock top-notch medical care?"
"No, I wasn't aware of that."
"And did you know my daughter is pregnant with her fourth child and has lost her job?"
"It's very unfortunate, but I didn't know."
"If I have all these problems with relatives, and I won't pay a penny to help them, what makes you think I'm going to help you?"

The new Pope was celebrating one of his first Masses when a cardinal burst in, yelling, "Holy Father! Good news and bad news!"
"What could possibly be so important that you would interrupt a Holy Mass in progress?" asked the Pope. "All right, what's the good news?"
"The good news is ...
JESUS HAS COME BACK TO EARTH!"
The Pope was overjoyed. "That is wonderful news. But what is the bad news?"
"He's in Salt Lake City."

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . ... Dead .

The second worm in smoke...............Dead

The third worm in syrup...........Dead

The fourth worm in clean soil ....... Alive.

"Now, tell me," said the minister, "what lesson do we learn from this?"

"If you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you'll never have worms."