A blonde watched a truck full of sod drive past her house. She turned to her friend and said, "If I ever win the lottery, that is what I am going to do."
Her friend was mystified. "What would you do?"
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

The latest winner of the lottery entered the house and called to his wife, "I just won a hundred million dollars. Pack your bags."
"Where are we going and what should I pack?"
"I don't know and I don't care. I just want you out of here."

Ah, but she'd legally have a right to $50,000,000 of it, so she probably isn't too sad to be leaving.

An aspiring actor made the rounds of New York theaters, seeking employment. But no one would hire him, so he resolved to make one more try and then go back to his hometown if he failed. He entered the office of a Broadway producer who was shouting into a telephone. "What do you mean Barrymore can't do the part? We open tonight and he's the star of the last act."He listened to the reply and then, exasperated, slammed down the phone. He put his head in his hands for several moments until he realized he wasn't alone in the office. He looked up and said, "What do you want?"
"I'm an actor and I'd like a job."
The producer looked him over and made a decision. "Do you think you can be the star of our production tonight with a little rehearsing?"
"All I ask is the chance."
"If you can pull off this gig, you will have your name in lights all over town, all over the courntry. All you need to do is say one line -- but that line is the culmination of the entire play and it must be said at the right time and in the right way. Otherwise everything fails. Can you do it?"
"Yes. Yes, I can."'
"We're all counting on you. All you have to do is enter in the last act and say, 'Hark, I hear the cannon's roar.' Stay here and practice until show time."
So while they made him up, the actor rehearsed his line, striving for the best effect.
"HARK, I hear the cannon's roar."
"Hark, I HEAR the cannon's roar."
"Hark, I hear the CANNON'S roar."
And he went through endless variations and gestures.
Then the stage manager knocked on the door and said, "One minute." The actor walked backstage to the entrance and, at a signal from the director, entered the stage. As he did, there was a loud bang.

The actor said, "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"

A man met a Jewish friend and, after exchanging pleasantries, said, "Moishe, did you hear the one about the two Jews on the way to the synagogue..."
Moishe interrupted him. "Why is it you only tell jokes about Jews? Don't you know jokes about any other cultures?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. Of course I know other jokes. Did you hear the one about the two Chinese guys who were on the way to the synagogue..."

Heard this one on the internet by Buddy Hackett:

A man wanted to get married but his equipment was very small and he was concerned that his new wife couldn't be satisfied with what he had. So he went to a urologist who told him not to worry, that new procedures could give him a penile implant - a stick in a dick - which would solve his problem. And there was even a new operation where a section of a baby elephant's trunk was grafted on the end of a penis, with nerve endings attached. This was supposed to be the epitome of additions. His girl insisted he get this so he did.

After the successful operation, the wedding was planned and a wedding dinner held. During the dinner the bride-to-be couldn't keep her hands off the elephant dick. She reached under the table and released it from his pants. Suddenly the trunk scooted up onto the table and grabbed a baked potato, pulling it down under the table. Everyone stopped eating, shocked at what had occurred.

The bride's mother said, "Can you do that again?"

"Yes, I can," said the groom, "but I don't think there's room for another hot potato in my ass."

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Every year, on Easter, one monk was allowed to speak a sentence, whatever he wished, but then no one could speak for another year.

On Easter, Brother Jonathon's turn came. He stood and said, "The soup's too hot." He sat and no one spoke for a year.

On Easter, Brother Patrick rose and said, "The soup is too cold," and no one spoke for a year.

On Easter, Brother Gerald rose and said, "I QUIT!"

The head friar leaped to his feet. "What's wrong? Why have you quit?"

"I'm sick and tired of this goddamn bickering."

A salesman arrived at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter asked what had happened that brought him to Heaven.
"I don't know," said the man. "I had just sold some insurance to a client and as I walked out of the building to my car a refrigerator hit me in the head."
"That's odd," said St. Peter. "But you're welcome here."
He turned to the next man in line. "Why are you here?"
"I entered my house on the third floor and smelled cigar smoke. So I knew my wife had been entertaining a man. I looked around but couldn't find anyone. I looked outside and saw a man leaving so I suddenly found the strength to pick up the refrigerator and toss it off the balcony on top of him. But I had a heart attack and died."
"Strange story," said St. Peter. "Go in."
He turned to the next man. "What happened to you?"
"I have no idea. I was hiding in this refrigerator..."

"Doctor, doctor, please help me. Whenever I make love it's like a raging tempest, it's like a volcano erupting, it's like enormous breakers pounding on the ocean shore ..."

Don't worry", says the doctor, "It's just an overblown analogy."

'I don't understand, doctor. I had sex and almost froze to death. Then the next time I had sex , I couldn't stop sweating...."
"Don't listen to that jerk, doctor. The first time was in January, the second was August."

I was furious with myself when my boat drifted away. When the fury didn't subside I went to a shrink. He said I had anchor management issues.

The manager of a logging company was surprised to see a very small man standing in his office. "Can I help you?" he asked.

"Yes,' said the man. "I'm looking for a job as a lumberjack."

The manager appraised the scrawny individual and said, "I don't know that you are capable of doing the job. Lumberjacking is very hard work.


"I've been a lumberjack all over. I can do the work."

"Really? Just where have you worked before?"

"I cut down trees in the Sahara Forest."

"But the Sahara is a desert."

"Now."