Quote "..."So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" ..."

Last Tuesday, in Qatar, we had a speech from Michael Fish, the BBC weatherman, and he used that exact quote about a different forecaster. Only his only asked why the promised SIX inches had not materialised.

I suppose that's because inflation's running at a higher rate in the USA...

quote:

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Originally posted by Richard English:
I suppose that's because inflation's running at a higher rate in the USA...

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... or hyperbole.

Tinman

Reviving a thread...

We haven't told jokes here in awhile. I read this great one lately, told by a feminist comedian here (it seems to be faddish now):

"A policeman pulled me over for speeding. I'm from Texas. In Texas the speed limit is just a suggestion. He came over to the car: "Do you know the speed limit?" I said, "No, I'm not from here. But if you'll pull someone else over, they'll probably know."

I think I will try that!

Interesting use of "they'll;" we've talked about that recently.

A man took his seat on a plane next to a beautiful woman. As people do, they started with small talk. He shared that he was a computer consultant, and she said that she was a sociologist.
"Oh?" he asked "What are you studying?"
"Well, I'm going to a conference to share my findings debunking popular sexual myths."
"Sexual myths? What do you mean?"
"Well, for instance, it's commonly thought that men of African descent have the largest (ahem) members."
"And they don't?"
"Oh no! I've been researching this for several years, now, and my findings prove that it's really Native American men who are the most generously endowed."
"You don't say . . "
"And then, you see, it is popularly believed that Italian men make the best lovers."
"Yes, I've heard that," the man mumbled.
"Well, that simply isn't true. All of my research (we never really know how she knows all this stuff) proves that it's really Jewish men who are the most wonderful, gifted lovers."

The both nodded together in silent thought.

Then the beautiful woman extended her hand and said "we've not yet introduced ourselves. My name is Mary Smyth."

"Nice to meet you, Mary. I'm Tecumseh Cohen."

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Caterwauller,

I didn't get tired of you quote...but your joke is very funny!

. . . . . but is the researcher correct in her findings????

Definitely, CW!

My sister sent me this one today, presumably because I am blonde and she is brunette! Still, I think it is funny!

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving to inspect a bull, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable." The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slowly....."com-for-da-bul"

out of the mouth of babes:

--Knock, knock.
----Who's there?
--The interrupting Cow.
----The interrup-
--MOOOOO!

Oh, Hab, that was great!

I guess that answers my next question, which would have been, Does that work written out? or does it have to be spoken for the timing to come across properly?

What makes jokes funny, why one build-up is great and another falls flat, what elements of delivery are helpful, are things I find to be of more than passing interest.

John arrived at the commune on a rainy afternoon, just in time for lunch. His roommate spent a good deal of time talking about all the "normal" ways of doing things around the place, helping John acclimate. During lunch, however, John became puzzled. Periodically, someone would stand up in the common room and say a number.

"29" said one man. Everyone chuckled.

"42" said another, across the room. Everyone laughed, heartily.

"14" said a man nearby. Everyone in the room actually guffawed.

"53" said the first man. Everyone chuckled again.

"16" said a tall man, across the table from John. The people sniggered a little, but there really wasn't any laughter.

"What are they doing?" John asked his new friend.

"Well, we've all been together so long, we know all the jokes there are to tell. So we have numbered them all, and when someone wants to share a joke, they stand up and say the number. As we think of the joke, we laugh."

"But why didn't anyone laugh when he said 16?" John asked, pointing to the man across the table.

"Well, some people can tell and joke, and some people can't."


What makes jokes funny? So many different factors! My mother is a terrible storyteller, but when she tries to tell a joke we all laugh, anyway, because her effort are so amusing. Cruel? or not?

John arrived at the commune on a rainy afternoon, just in time for lunch. His roommate spent a good deal of time talking about all the "normal" ways of doing things around the place, helping John acclimate. During lunch, however, John became puzzled. Periodically, someone would stand up in the common room and say a number.

"29" said one man. Everyone chuckled.

"42" said another, across the room. Everyone laughed, heartily.

"14" said a man nearby. Everyone in the room actually guffawed.

"53" said the first man. Everyone chuckled again.

"What are they doing?" John asked his new friend.

"Well, we've all been together so long, we know all the jokes there are. So we've numbered them all, and when someone wants to share a joke, they stand up and say the number. As we think of the joke, we laugh."

"16" said a tall man, across the table from John. The people sniggered a little, but that was all.

Another fellow got up. "16!" he said, and the whole room convulsed with laughter.

"See?" said John's new friend. "It's all in the way you tell it!"


Same joke, almost word for word. Minor change in punch line, and presto - the negative vibes are just about gone. It's no longer that one can't tell a joke, just that another tells it better.

So many different factors, indeed !

My dad knows another ending, too. I'll have to call him and get it. Old joke!

Hab, that is a truly valuable contribution. Your version lifts the spirit.

..... * ** *** ***** ******** ***** *** ** * .....

In other news ...

Fred Allen is remembered as a master of comic timing.

"The most important element of comedy is timing," he said to his interviewer. Then he said, "Go ahead. Just ask me what's the most important element of comedy."

Interviewer: "What is the most ..."

Allen (interrupting) "TIMING."

EXCELLENT!!!!!!!!!!!

..MOOOO!

Fred Allen's spirit must live in that pasture with the Interrupting Cow.

I looked briefly in Google and found that the Cow has been online for at least two years. See? There's nothing, son, under the gnu.

On second thought, it Might Have Been Steve Allen.

The cast of character is shakey, but the Timing wasn't bad.

(Somehow I gnu you'd say that)

Does that work written out? or does it have to be spoken for the timing to come across properly?

Perhaps I loved it because I was raised on a Wisconsin farm with Holstein cows.

CW, I am like your mother! I get into a joke, and then I can't remember the punch line! Fortunately, usually my husband is with me and will be my crutch.

However, I can be a little funny without the canned jokes.

"I can be a little funny without the canned jokes"

but looks aren't everything . . .

Someday, CW, I will get you!

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, they found that the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service searched the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff.

A lone farmer was ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." the man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the plane belonging to the President of the United States?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." the farmer sighed, cutting off his tractor motor, "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

Funny, arnie!

The following I thought were great. I heard them at a comedy show that was given at our conference. However, I am now a little sensitive about being too sexual...so, please let me know privately if you think any of these is/are inappropriate for this site, and I will remove it/them:

The name of the show was: "Wee Puns of Mass Distraction:"

A spokesman for the new organization, The National Organization of Men, said that the answer is NOT sex. The question is sex and the answer is yes!

After 50 years of being together, Mattel is announcing the break-up of Barbie and Ken. Ken and GI Joe will be moving in together in San Francisco.

Smith and Wesson and Victoria Secret are merging. The new company will be called "Titty Titty Bang Bang."

The reason that men love BMWs so much is because it is an automobile that is easy for them to spell.

A man went into the drug store to buy condoms. The clerk said they were $2.35, plus tax. The man said, "Oh, I thought they stayed on by themseleves. I didn't think you needed tacks!"

quote:

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Originally posted by Kalleh:

The reason that men love BMWs so much is because it is an automobile that is easy for them to spell.!"

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I found the idea that I have difficulty spelling anything more complicated than BWM offensive !

"A man went into the drug store to buy condoms. The clerk said they were $2.35, plus tax. The man said, "Oh, I thought they stayed on by themseleves. I didn't think you needed tacks!""

ouch!

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Originally posted by Kalleh:
Someday, CW, I will get you!

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Hehehe - you'll have to catch me first!

A Scotsman struts into an apothecary and throws a filthy, bedraggled condom on the counter and asks, "How much forrrrr a new one, and how much to have it rrrrepairrred? The proprietor tells him, "Thruppence for a new one, and tuppence for the rapair." The Scottsman picks up the old condom and leaves. The following day he returns, tosses the condom back on the counter, and says, "The rrrrregiment have voted: We'll have it rrrepairrred!"

Grrrrrrrrrrrosssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!

I found the idea that I have difficulty spelling anything more complicated than BWM offensive !

Yet, you didn't find it offensive that you didn't understand the difference between "tax" and "tacks?"

Yeah, the men jokes seem to be the safest of offensive jokes. Just remember, though, these comedians were presenting at an almost all-woman conference.

I think there are only 2 groups that it is still ok to make fun of. Men (especially white men) and Hicks (rednecks, Appalachians, etc).

What do you all think?

quote:

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Originally posted by Kalleh: I found the idea that I have difficulty spelling anything more complicated than BWM offensive !

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Ummmm, Kalleh, what's a "BWM?" A German told me that in Bavarian dialect, "mist" means "fertilizer," and tose who don't like BMWs call them "Bayerische Mist Wagen." (Bavarian poop wagon)

As for whom we may use as the butt of jokes, I think it's still an open field, so long as you select the audience.

I think there are only 2 groups that it is still ok to make fun of. Men (especially white men) and Hicks (rednecks, Appalachians, etc).

Rednecks, yes. Appalachians? I have heard some real complaints about those jokes.

As for whom we may use as the butt of jokes, I think it's still an open field, so long as you select the audience.

OTOH, Asa is probably right. I love to hear Jewish jokes or dumb blonde jokes or lawyer jokes...as long as they aren't vicious.

What does BMW stand for anyway?

Bavarian Motor Works

or Break My Windows

Great, KHC! I am so frustrated that you can't post normally here! I wish I could help.

I read the funniest political cartoon today in the Chicago Tribune. To me it seems neutral, but one never knows these days how people will take political jokes. So...I apologize in advance if this offends either the Conservatives or the Liberals (at least it isn't sexual! ):

Two children are sitting in front of pumpkins with knives. One is obviously Kerry and the other is Bush.

The Kerry child is looking all pensive, holding his knife by his side, saying, "...The real conundrum implicit in this task is whether cutting will, by its very nature, help or hurt this festive gourd..."

The Bush child is looking satisfied, and says, "Done!..." He is holding a long knife over his head and has chopped up the pumpkin to smithereens.

Maybe you had to be there, so to speak. I read this on the train on my way to work and was hysterical!

...joke now obsolete

Cyrus, a New England farmer, died and went to Hell.

The Devil noticed that Cyrus wasn't suffering like the rest of the lost souls, checked the gauges, saw that it was 90 degrees and about 80% humidity, went to Cyrus and asked why he was so happy.

Cyrus said, "It's nice here. The temperature is just like plowing my fields in June, ayuh."

The Devil wasn't happy with the farmer's answer, and especially not with his attitude, so he turned up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90%. Then he went looking for Cyrus again.

He found him standing around just as happy as can be.

The Devil quizzed Cyrus again about why he was so chipper. Cyrus said, "This is even better. It's like pulling weeds and stumps in the fields during July, ayuh."

Now really upset, the Devil decided to make this New Englander really suffer. He turned the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100%. "Now let's see what this farmer is up to," he thought.

But Cyrus was sitting on the floor, even happier then before. The Devil couldn't figure it out. Once again he asked Cyrus why he was so happy. The reply: "This is great! It's just like working in the silo in August with my family and friends."

The Devil snarled, "That's it! I'll get this guy!" He turned the temperature all the way down, to a freezing 0 degrees. Fahrenheit. Ice formed everywhere. "Now let's see what he has to say about Hell!"

And he found Cyrus jumping up and down for joy and yelling: "The Red Sox won the World Series! THE RED SOX WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"


-- adapted (cleaned up) from "jokemaster.com"

This message has been edited. Last edited by: haberdasher,

It's always so nice for the underdogs to win! Gives us all hope!

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and added, "I would have gotten out today."

Excellent joke! My husband got a good chuckle from it, too.

Welcome to the board! Good to have you here!

NEW CHRISTMAS JOKE:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "you may pass through the pearly gates"

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's".

I missed this, KHC. Funny!

My daughter sent me this one today:

Who is in charge?

Bill and Hilary were driving through Little Rock, and when they passed by a gas station a big man yelled 'Hi Hilary' and Hilary said 'Hi Bubba'.

Bill asked 'who was that?' And Hilary told him it was a old high school boyfriend. Bill said, 'See if you married him you would be married to a gas station attendant, but you married me now you're the first lady.'

And Hilary told him, 'If I married him he would be the president, and you would be the gas station attendant.'

Asa asked me to post this hilarious joke. He hasn't been able to cut and paste since our new software:

Sam and Edith were 95 years old, and had been married for seventy years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last 3 decades.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and there an escort was waiting to show them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a
waterfall in the master bath. And their favorite
clothes hanging in the closet. They gasped in
astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

Sam asked how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," their companion replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

Sam looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," the companion replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said their companion to Sam. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at Edith. "Well, where are the low fat and low
cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," the companion replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

Sam pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

Sam glared at Edith and said, "You and your damn
bran muffins. We could have been here 30 years ago!"

Two Republicans boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle and just before takeoff, a Democrat sat down in the aisle. After takeoff, the Democrat kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Republican in the window seat said, “I need to get up and get a Coke.”

“Don’t get up,” said the Democrat, “I’m in the aisle. I’ll get it for you.” As soon as he left, one of the Republicans picked up the Democrat’s shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the Coke, the other Republican said, “That looks good, I’d really like one, too.”

Again, the Democrat obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Republican picked up his other shoe and spat in it. When the Democrat returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Democrat slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

“Why does it have to be this way?” he asked. “How long must this go on? This fighting between our parties? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?

Tinman

This is certainly not the world's funniest joke; in fact, on thinking about it, it just seems silly. However, when I saw the cartoon I laughed out loud for a couple of minutes. Perhaps you had to be there or something...

Two gorillas are sitting in a jungle clearing playing chess. A third gorilla comes up and says to them, "Better clear that away - here comes the National Geographic."

Arnie, that's very similar to one of Gary Larson's old Far Side cartoons, but it was cattle standing on their hind legs and having coffee instead.

Asa,

Yes, it is very similar in "feel" to Gary Larson, I agree.

quote:

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Originally posted by Asa Lovejoy:
Arnie, that's very similar to one of Gary Larson's old Far Side cartoons, but it was cattle standing on their hind legs and having coffee instead.

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Oh - I thought the cows were smoking. Same thing, just about.

quote:

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Oh - I thought the cows were smoking. Same thing, just about.

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Hmmmm... I don't remember a contented bull in the background.

IN honor of the Super Bowl:

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench... After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied,
"especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"


"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

HEL-LLLOO! It's only 25 cents! "

Oh, that is great! My thoughts, exactly, when it comes to football.

The best part of tonight's superbowl, in my opinion, was Paul McCartney. He was wonderful!