I loved both the Walmart wine joke and the lawyer lightbulb joke!

Until you posted this, I didn't understand it. Well, that's not quite right, but I thought it was getting at WalMart in general, not American southerners in particular - but then I live in the UK and I miss a lot of the subtle nuances of inter-States rivalries.

Well, Dianthus, I do live in the U.S. and I posted it for Asa, and I surely didn't think it any kind of a slur on southerners...just Walmart in general. Sorry, KHC! Truly, I was clueless.

I really do need that course in political correctness!

Subject: Papal Election

Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and as a young man aspired to become a priest. However, he was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943,resulting in the loss of his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as
a military chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.

After the war, he became a priest, and served as a missionary in Africa,piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent.

In 1997, Father Grapje (now an Archbishop) was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a massive cave-in, trapping scores of miners deep in the earth.

Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to offer comfort and administer the last rites to those too severely injured to move. While he was underground, however, another shaft collapsed and he was buried for three days,
suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. Some time after being rescued, he developed a severe (but rare) condition known as purpura. This condition is the result of extensive underground time and exposure to the high silver content in the mine's air. It is characterized by purplish skin blotches and is found in many life-long silver miners.

For his heroism and selfless service to others, the church elevated Archbishop Grapje to the rank of Cardinal. With the passing of Pope John Paul, he joined the other Cardinals in Rome for the funeral and the conclave to select a new Pope from their ranks. Although Cardinal Grapje had devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor and holy man, church leaders agreed that he would never ascend to the Papacy.

.....After all, no one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

Oh, Jo, that is great!

Richard, post the pope joke that is going around Europe. You'd do a better job than I in telling it because it is definitely more European than American.

This is no "pope joke," or is it?

I decided to test Richard's claim that he's so well known that he'd be recognized anywhere in the world. I persuaded him to go with me to Rome, where he told me wait as he sneaked into the Pope's quarters.

Looking upward at the balcony I saw The Pope come out, then standing beside him, there was Richard!

Feeling a tap on my shoulder, I turned to face a Japanese tourist, who asked, "Who's that guy up there with Richard?"

quote:

political correctness

Didn't you know, Kalleh, that we can't call it that any more? We should say "political alternative answer".

Hmmm, arnie, good point!

I was sent this joke tonight. I hope it isn't offensive, but to be honest, I am becoming less and less sure of what is and what is not offensive.

A young nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill
with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that it is said that Jesus turned Water into Wine, but, if that car starts, I'll
become a Catholic for the rest of my life!"

[P.S. Those of you who post on OEDILF and know about a recent controversy there will find this joke even funnier!]

This was a cartoon in the newspaper this morning:

Man to woman in bar, discussing our election results: "Whichever party wins, they'll be a disaster."
Woman: "Yes."
Man: "Are you a fatalist too, Chloe?"
Woman: "No, I've never been interested in stamps."

No, no, arnie, that's a filanderer!

Heard on the NPR program "No, No, Don't Tell Me" this morning at work: Aristotle Onassis is said to have had bar stools covered with whale foreskins. The host had mused, "What would you call the guy who circumsises whales?" Someone wrote in with "Call me Ishmoyle!"

This message has been edited. Last edited by: <Asa Lovejoy>,

Call him Brismael?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, chortle, snort, giggle.... Oh, arnie, you're KRILLING me! I'm baleen outa here so I can recover!

Sperm whales, I presume?

I now have a new understanding of why whales attacked clipper ships.

Now, boys, don't get snippy about this.

quote:

Originally posted by Asa Lovejoy:
Aristotle Onassis is said to have had bar stools covered with whale foreskins.

The same leather is used to make a fine-quality wallets.

When you rub such a wallet, it turns into a suitcase.

FYI, Seminal Research on this topic is revealed in both the Old and the New Testicle, particularly First Phallopians 1 thru 69.

Jerry, according to Snopes, that's a phallusy.

quote:

When you rub such a wallet, it turns into a suitcase.

I'll bet Jackie O got quite a thrill when she sat on them! Jackie? OOOOOHHHH!!!

stop me if you've heard this one...

A journalist is standing at the bar of a quiet Melbourne hotel when, to his amazement, two very elderly gentlemen enter the bar. He is amazed because one gentleman looks like Adolph Hitler and the other like Joseph Goebbels. He quickly realises that this may be the scoop of the decade and, downing his scotch with a gulp, approaches the elderly gentlemen’s table.
“Excuse me,” he says to the gentleman who looks like Adolph Hitler, “ but I could help noticing that you look like an elderly Adolph Hitler, and your friend her seems to closely resemble Joseph Goebbels. Are you infact Adolph Hitler and Joseph Goebbels?”
The old man who looks like Adolph Hitler says, “Well, young man, I am Adolph Hitler and my friend here is indeed Joseph Goebbels.”
Trying not to panic, the journalist opens his notebook, saying, “Why, that’s absolutely incredible! You really are Adolph Hitler and Joseph Goebbels! Well, you two together constitute the nucleus of the Third Reich, so as you are together, is the Reich still active?”
“Yes.” Says the man who looks like Adolph Hitler. “Yes, we are and it is.”
“Well, that’s amazing!” says the journalist. “So, what are your plans for the future of the Third Reich?”
“Well, first,” says the man who looks like Adolph Hitler, “we intend to exterminate a further two million Jews. Then we intend to kill a postman.”
The journalist stops writing and, feeling very confused by this statement, has to ask.
“Why do you want o kill a postman?” he says incredulously.
With that, the old man who looks like Adolph Hitler turns to the old man who looks like Joseph Goebbels and says, “Still, I tell you, nobody cares for the Jews.”

quote:

Originally posted by arnie:
Call him Brismael?

Brismael and Ishmoyle were just two of the foreskin divers sent down to do the job.

Today I heard a great speaker at lunch who had the audience in stitches. I am not the best joke teller, but here are 2 of my favorites:

A 94-year-old man and an 88-year-old woman were engaged to be married. They went to their neighborhood pharmacy and asked if they carried:

Heartburn medication? Yes, said the pharmacist
Viagra? Yes
Blood pressure medicine?Yes
Cholesterol medication? Yes
Arthritis medication? Yes
Vitamins/minerals? Yes
Pain medication? Yes

"Well then," said the couple, "We'll ask our guests to register here for our gifts!"

................................................

At the beginning of a serman the pastor brought out 4 jars. One had cigarette smoke; another had chocolate syrup; another had alcohol; and the last had fresh earth. He put a worm in each, and then lectured. At the end of his serman, he pulled out the worms. The only worm that was still alive was the one in the fresh earth. He then asked the congregation what they had learned. One excited lady said, "If I drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes and eat chocolate, I won't get worms!"

This is a joke I've just found on the Net.

A gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but found it to be occupied.

A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms.

The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Three white buttons were identified by the letters: "WW", "WA", and "PP", and there was one red button labeled "ATR". Who would really know if he touched them?

He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the "WW" button.
Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The men's restroom didn't have nice things like this.

Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the "WA" button.
Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside.

He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the "PP" button.
A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit.

When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes.

A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!"

"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked "ATR" is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

quote:

Richard, post the pope joke that is going around Europe. You'd do a better job than I in telling it because it is definitely more European than American.

I don't often visit this area so have only just seen this.

The joke Kalleh is referring to goes thus:

Q. How come a German was elected Pope?
A. Because he got up very early in the morning and put his towel on the Papal throne.

That's the joke - and all the British are now laughing. The Americans are all saying "Excuse me? What's a towel got to do with it?"

The explanation (and explaining a joke always ruins it) is:

In European holiday resorts there are often too few sunbeds around the pools at popular hotels. So to make sure that they get themselves a sunbed, German holidaymakers have the reputation for getting up very early in the morning and putting their towels on the sunbeds before anyone else, so as to reserve them for their own use. British holidaymakers resent this since it is considered "unsporting" and is not something we would do.

quote:

British holidaymakers resent this since it is considered "unsporting" and is not something we would do.

It's just not cricket, dear boy !

Great joke, Dianthus!

Tinman

I've just heard this on the radio:

Marriage is like a hurricane - lots of puffing and blowing at the start and you've lost your house at the end.

Oh, thanks for posting that joke, Richard. It is a true cultural joke.

Dianthus, that is a funny joke, but a little sad, too!

On Southern beaches, Florida, Ga, and SC... it is the Canadians who "towel" the chairs and umbrella tables... great hordes of them are there from 6 am until midnight.. along with their coolers of endless beer. I'm not sure if the beer is up to RE's standards, but they are certainly a relaxed bunch. How funny!

From my son:

What do cows love most about the night sky?
The mooooon

Oh, KHC, that is just hilarious! Perhaps the next pope will be Canadian!

quote:

Dianthus, that is a funny joke, but a little sad, too!

This is a happier one .

I can't remember whether someone's already posted this joke (this thread is getting loooonnnggg) and if they have, then I'll delete it.

Anyway, here goes.

The Chief Rabbi goes to the Vatican to see the Pope and notices a red telephone on the corner of the Pope's desk.

"What's that for?" asks the Chief Rabbi.

"That's my direct line to God" says the Pope. "Do you want to make a call?"

The Chief Rabbi puts down the phone after making his call and the Pope says "that's a long distance call, so it will be 20 Euros please".

The Chief Rabbi is a bit annoyed at this, but he pays up and goes back to Israel.

The following year, the Pope pays a visit to the Chief Rabbi, who now has an identical red telephone on his desk.

When the Pope puts the phone down, he asks how much the call cost.

"One Euro" says the Chief Rabbi.

"Why?" says the astonished Pope.

"Oy vey" says the Chief Rabbi, "it's just a local call".

Two drums and a cymbal fell off a cliff
...
Badum-tssh

(Sorry if it's a little fromage, but that's why I like it!)

Welcome to the board, Trillian! Great little joke!

Those four letter words!

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

Tinman

quote:

Originally posted by tinman:
words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

Don't forget that "love" is a four letter word. Ah, but young ladies of high virtue are given to using them too: "Can't," "Won't" and "Don't," for instance.

(Sunflower, DON'T read this!)

quote:

Originally posted by Asa Lovejoy:

quote:

Originally posted by tinman:
words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

Ah, but young ladies of high virtue are given to using them too: "Can't," "Won't" and "Don't," for instance.

Yes, sometimes they say "Don't; stop!" Other times it's "Don't stop!" Go figure.

Tinman

An elderly couple visit another couple's house, The two women are friends, but the men hardly know each other. The women disappear into the kitchen, leaving the men in the living room. Casting about desperately for conversation, one old boy says,

"Have you been to the new restaurant in the High Street?"
"No, what's it called?"
"Err... My memory's not what it was... What d'you call that flower, has thorns, usually red or white?"
"A rose?"
"That's it!"

Then he calls out to his wife,

"Rose! What's the name of that new restaurant in the High Street?"

Some terrible groaners here.

I got this joke from this site.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he hadn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and, upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now, she said, take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Tinman

I suppose this isn't the world's funniest joke, but I did think it quite cute. I read it today in a letter to the Chicago Tribune, related to a discussion about making it illegal to talk on cell phones while you drive:

He had one arm
upon the wheel,
quite joyful was his ride.
The other arm
was wrapped around
the sweetie by his side.
A policeman yelled,
"Use both your hands"
in a voice that carried far.
"I can't," the loving
swain replied,
"I have to
steer the car."

A husband and wife are taking part in clinical trials of a new drug. The drug is supposed to lessen the pain of childbirth by transferring a quarter of the labour pains to the father.

When she goes into labour, the wife takes one of the pills, and she immediately feels a lessening of the pains. However, her husband feels nothing. The doctor in charge gives her two more pills, and she again feels a corresponding decrease in pain, but her husband says he can't feel a thing. The doctor, puzzled, gives her four pills, and almost all the pain goes away. Again, the husband claims not to feel any pain.

Her baby is delivered and the husband sets off home. When he arrives he meets a postman, who he realises is not the normal guy, so he asks where the regular postman is.

"Oh, it was terrible" says the stand-in postman. "All of a sudden he collapsed in pain, which seemed to get worse and worse until he died."

This is by no means the world's funniest joke. It's just something to help us get through the time it takes to wait for really funny jokes. ...

It is said that a certain Humor Researcher on a trans-continental Amtrak trip noticed that the woman sitting opposite him frequently dabbed her nose with a crumpled handkerchief, then sneezed, and that the sneezes were accompanied by unusual spasms and minor convulsions.

She, noticing that he had noticed, explained, "My sex therapist says there is a dysfunction that causes a sexual orgasm every time I sneeze."

"Oh? What's in the handkerchief?"

"Pepper."

quote:

Yes, sometimes they say "Don't; stop!" Other times it's "Don't stop!" Go figure.

And there are still those who maintain that punctuation isn't important!

quote:

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Important addendum to this contract.

It should be noted that this contract is governed by the custom and practice of the United States of America (hereinafter referred to as the USA) where lightbulbs use the Edison Screw (hereinafter known as ES or Extremely Stupid) cap.

USA operatives trying to use this procedures on the light bulbs of the 85% of the world that is not the USA (hereinafter known as the Rest of the World) will find that the result can be a permanent separation of the glass envelope from the bulb cap (a process known as "completely buggering up the bulb).

This is because the bulbs used in the Rest of the World use Bayonet Cap (hereinafter known as BC or Best Category) caps which respond in a different, and more efficient, manner than ES caps, requiring only a simple push and quarter turn by the operative (or party of the first part) on the bulb (or party of the second part).

A short story, prompted by Richard saying, "And there are still those who maintain that punctuation isn't important!"

Oh, Brad, please let's not stop here.
Oh, Brad, please let's not stop.
Oh, Brad, please let's not.
Oh, Brad, please let's.
Oh, Brad, please!
Oh, Brad!!
Oh!!!!

It's the height of the Cold War and two men are standing in front of a Rolls Royce which has been brought in to demonstrate the evils of Capitalism at the Moscow Motor Show. Next to the RR is an East European Trabant.

One man says to the other "which car do you think is the best?"

Without hesitation, the second man says "the Trabant".

The first man says "you don't know much about cars."

The second man says "I know a lot about cars. It's YOU I don't know anything about!"

Asa sent me this funny joke:

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby.

All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again.

Again the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

And the mother says, "When the baby cries."

And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."


I especially found it funny because it reminded me of when my first child was born. Of course, I wasn't 65, but I had been so used to being independent. I put my darling baby down for a nap and went downstairs to clean or something similar. I soon decided that I wanted to go to the mall, and I jumped in my car and took off. As I was driving down our main highway, I got a pit in my stomach when I remembered I had a baby at home! I rushed back, and the baby was still sleeping. Her mom was a wreck, though!

I received this from my daughter today. They are supposedly actual newspaper ads:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German..

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a reward.

YOUNG COWS: NEVER BRED $300 Each... Also 1 gay bull $250.

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. $375 Call Stephanie.

(And the best one)

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

quote:

Originally posted by Kalleh:
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Asa got married last month? I thought it was supposed to be this month.

Tinman

"A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?

The boy said, "Look I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."

For the record, I doubt any of you will get this joke. You are the lucky ones. Those who get this joke will almost certainly not find it funny, and curse my existence.

What's purple and commutes?

An abelian grape.