Geoff sent me some great headlines and articles, and they seem real (the actual newspaper articles were scanned in):

1) Get 50% off or half price, whichever is less.

2) Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike says.

3) Question: What constitutes a millionaire?
Answer: A millionaire is someone who has $1 million, according to Jerry Beto, branch manager and senior vice president of investments at AG Edwards and Sons.

4) Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25.

5) One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers.

6) Army Vehicle Disappears
An Australian Army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.

7) Police were called to Market Square for a report about a "suspicious coin." Investigating officer reported it was a quarter.

8) Fish Need Water, Feds Say.

9) Theft: A woman in the 1900 block of 129th Lane Northeast reported Oct. 15 that someone must have stolen her mail, because she did not receive birthday cards from some of her friends.

10) Alton Attorney Accidentally Sues Himself

11) Correction
Due to incorrect information received from the Clerk of Courts Office, Diane K. Merchant, 38, was incorrectly listed as being fined for prostitution in Wednesday's paper. The charge should have been failure to stop at a railroad crossing. The Public Opinion apologizes for the error.

12) County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds.

13) Utah Poison Control Center reminds everyone not to take poison.

14) Police: Crack Found in Man's Buttocks.

15) Mountain View - Friday
Wal-Mart: Police receive a report of a newborn infant found in a trash can. Upon investigation, officers discover it was only a burrito.

16) A caller reported at 7:14 pm that someone was on a porch yelling "help" from a residence on Bank Street. Officers responded and learned that the person was calling a cat that is named "Help."

17) At 12:22 pm, a cellular caller reported a large snapping turtle in the roadway at Elm Street and Crescent Road. The turtle fled the area undetected.

18) An Edgewood man reported recently that his wife had gone missing some 18 months ago.

19) For Sale - Collection of old people.

20) Full Size Mattress. Royal Tonic, 20 year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell. $40.

21) Wanted: Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. P.O. Box 322, Oakview, CA 93022. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.

22) 1995 Nissan Maxima, green, leather, loaded, CD, auto start, sunroof, 4-door, good condition, $4500. Not for sale.

23) China Cabinet, buffet, hutch solid pine, 6.5 tall X 4.5 wide, lighted windows, a few cat scratches but cat has been killed. $700.

24) Used Toilet Paper - For Sale. I have a wide selection of brands and designs. Call for details and prices.

25) Tombstone: Standard gray. A good buy for someone named Grady.

26) This was part of a story: Debra Jackson said she likes shopping at the Dollar Palace because it is convenient and casual. "I don't have to get all dressed up like I'm going to Wal-Mart or something," she said.

The local paper had a headline the other day:
Study Shows Wisdom Accrues in Aged
Duh! Ever seen a wise 15-year-old? Wise-ass, maybe.

Kalleh & Geoff, I was giggling helplessly by the time I finished all 26 items. Thanks, I needed that!

I'm subscribed to a blog that has several of these sort of things from newspapers a day: Criggo.

These are hysterical, Arnie. My favorite: http://criggo.com/2010/04/06/n...st-time-for-a-photo/

Oh, arnie, yours are funny, too!

I just couldn't believe some of the ones Geoff sent me...like that someone could mistake a newborn baby for a burrito! Or that they would actually report that police were investigating a suspicious coin that turned out to be a quarter! And...finally...the Feds have decided that fish need water?!!!

My daughter spent the summer working in Yellowstone, and she still logs into the local newspaper to read about some of the funny reports.

quote:

Originally posted by Kalleh:
And...finally...the Feds have decided that fish need water?!!!

Yes, finally. The headline, Fish Need Water, Feds Say, was written by Phil Hayworth of Tracy Press, Tracy CA (put in a search for "fish"). I haven't read the article or the report it refers to, since I haven't been able to find them online. Someone apparently is familiar with the report as evidenced by this exchange (from my first link):

quote:

This was a study relating to the minimum instream flows needed to sustain endangered salmonid populations in river systems where there are many competing demands for water - hydropower, irrigation, and municipal drinking water being the major needs. In many western rivers, every drop of water is strictly meted out between users with varying claims via a very complex system of water rights. Many rivers are over-appropriated, meaning that there are more rights to remove water than there is water to remove, leaving nothing for fish. A long series of federal court cases, still ongoing, relate to the requirement to leave water in the rivers to support endangered species. All the parties to that litigation have different ideas of how much water fish need to survive. The study, and others like it, seek to set a firm minimum quantity of water that must remain in the river as an "instream flow" to support endangered salmonid populations.

Posted by: V. Ryan | June 01, 2009 at 12:31 PM

Thank you for the additional information. In this age of "sound bites" this serves to remind us that it's always good to read past the headline. Thank you for educating us all on this important issue.

There is no date with the headline, so I don't know when it was written. It may refer to the report issued after the summer of 2002 when the Bush Administration decided to pump extra water from the Klamath River for farmers, resulting in a massive fish kill - 33,000 salmon. The Bush Administration, not willing to admit its mistake, said it was inconclusive what killed the fish. The report concluded that "the fall Chinook salmon, steelhead trout and endangered coho salmon died because the U.S. Department of Interior diverted so much of the river's water to farming interests in 2002 that the fish crowded tightly as they returned to spawn from the ocean and fell prey to disease." I've copied part of the article below.

quote:

Rerouting river water to farms caused massive salmon die-off, report says
BY PAUL ROGERS
San Jose Mercury News
Jan. 04, 2003

(KRT) - The dramatic die-off of 33,000 salmon last fall along the Klamath River in Northern California was directly caused by the Bush administration's decision to pump extra water from the river to farmers, biologists from the California Department of Fish and Game have concluded. The environmental disaster in September left one of the state's major rivers stacked with rotting salmon, some up to three feet long, from the mouth of the Klamath River near Crescent City to 36 miles upstream. It was the largest die-off of adult salmon ever recorded in the West. Seeking to control a political embarrassment, the Bush administration said at the time that not enough science was available to conclude what killed the fish.

The 63-page report, issued late Friday night, marks the first official documentation suggesting causes for the die-off. It concludes that fall Chinook salmon, steelhead trout and endangered coho salmon died because the U.S. Department of Interior diverted so much of the river's water to farming interests in 2002 that the fish crowded tightly as they returned to spawn from the ocean and fell prey to disease. The die-off killed 25 percent of the river's fall Chinook run, the report found.

State biologists also concluded that unless the federal government leaves more water in the river starting in March "there is a substantial risk of future fish kills."

The Executive Director of the Yurok Tribe, Tony Fletcher, said "It's not rocket science, fish need water."

Balancing competing water interests is not easy. See "Newspaper articles of interest - Part II."

This message has been edited. Last edited by: tinman,

News item from the Aircraft Owners and Pilot's Association:

A helicopter pilot who crashed on Oct. 14 near Tahlequah, Okla., killing himself and a 20-year-old female passenger, was under investigation for lying on his pilot's license, according to the National Transportation Safety Board.

And if he'd stood on it, then what?

Richard shouldn't have to worry when he visits his nearest pub about flying glass. (link)