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This is for the women on the board (few we may be!): Subject: What Every Woman Should Know A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..one old love she can imagine going back to... and one who reminds her how far she has come... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE . .a youth she's content to leave behind... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age.... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored.. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..a feeling of control over her destiny... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... ...how to fall in love without losing herself... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... ...how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... ...when to try harder... and when to walk away... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... ...that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... ..that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... ..what she would and wouldn't do for love or more... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... ....how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... ..whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... ..where to go...be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods... when her soul needs soothing... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... ...what she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year... | |||
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This is copied verbatim, just as I received it, including the introduction. BLACK ROBBERS (A True Story) I'm sure you'll learn something from this. This would have to be the best email I've ever read.... For anyone who didn't see the episode of David Letterman in which this story was told, read this: (And remember it's a true story...) On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat" she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.' Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and the another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. 'My Gosh' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. 'Take my money and spare me', she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought: 'My Gosh, what a spectacle I've made of myself.' She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses.Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was signed; Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan | |||
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This is hardly a great e-mail, but it certainly is a strange one. I was looking through the messages that my spam filter had trapped, just to make sure nothing had ended up there in error. I came across a message with this heading: quote:It then goes on to say what I good purchase I've made, and thank me for buying from them. I've never been near their site, let alone bought anything...  It ends up quote:Great! I'm either a paedophile or a terrorist! Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life. | |||
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I received this today from a friend whom I have encouraged many times to join this site. In fact, when I think of it, he may actually be CJ in disguise!  He has a similar sense of humor!Here it is, albeit a bit risque: The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that! Have a good day | |||
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In case some of you missed this ebay story, here it is. The picture of the guy modeling the wedding dress is priceless, and his description is even better! | |||
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I have to post something for Nurses Week. I received this today: Happy nurses week! Thought you might enjoy these.... YOU KNOW YOU'RE A NURSE WHEN: * The front of your scrubs read: "Nurses...here to save your ass, not kiss it!" * You occasionally park in the space with the "Physician's Only" sign and knock it over. * You believe some patients are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * You always follow the rules, but are wise enough to forget them sometimes. * You can't cure stupid. * You have seen more moons than the Hubbell telescope. * You own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them. * You never get into an arugment with an idiot, because they only bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience. * You hope there's a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light. * You believe that saying, "it can't get any worse" causes it to get worse just to show you it can. * You wash your hands before you go to the bathroom. * You've ever thought a blood pressure cuff would be an excellent gift for Christmas. * You've ever spent more money on a stethoscope than on a car payment. * You believe any job where you can drive to work in pajamas is a cool job. * The ER is a mixture of can do, can't do and why the hell not. * You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil. * Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural. * You've een exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control. * You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots." * You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level. * You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac. * You believe the "on-call Nurse" program is a satanic plot. * You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick. * Your idea of a good time is a Code Blue at shift change. | |||
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Sean may not understand all of these, but most of the rest of us will! 1974: Long hair 2004: Longing for hair 1974: The perfect high 2004: The perfect high yield mutual fund 1974: KEG 2004: EKG 1974: Acid rock 2004: Acid reflux 1974: Moving to California because it's cool 2004: Moving to California because it's warm 1974: Growing pot 2004: Growing pot belly 1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1974: Seeds and stems 2004: Roughage 1974: Killer weed 2004: Weed killer 1974: Hoping for a BMW 2004: Hoping for a BM (Bowel Motion) 1974: The Grateful Dead 2004: Dr. Kevorkian 1974: Going to a new, hip joint 2004: Receiving a new hip joint 1974: Rolling Stones 2004: Kidney Stones 1974: Being called into the principal's office 2004: Calling the principal's office 1974: Screw the system 2004: Upgrade the system 1974: Disco 2004: Costco 1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1974: Passing the driver's test 2004: Passing the vision test 1974: Whatever 2004: Depends Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainlychange things : The people who are starting college in September across the nation were born in 1986. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. The CD was introduced the year they were born. They have always had an answering machine. They have always had DirectTV or MCTV. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are! They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane". They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies in your life, and don't forget the youngins so they can see what the stone age was like. | |||
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Look on the bright side. In 1974 everybody in the USA thought that Millers, Coors, Schlitz and Anheuser Busch brewed beer. Now most know better - and know better beers! Richard English | |||
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Reviving a thread... This hilarious e-mail was sent to me by Asa. For some reason he can't cut and paste from his computer so he asked me to do it for him. He gets all the credit! Official Language of Europe The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which heavily lobbied to be the official languauge and was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish." In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c" . . . Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mess of the silent "e's" in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and the "w" with "v." During the fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yar, ve vil hav a realy sensibl vriten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evryvun vil find it easy tu understand each ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU! | |||
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That's it! Cat and I have to start a serious campaign to save the letter C worldwide! Very funny post, Asa . . . and Kalleh. . . . some of those old posts were funny, too! ******* "Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~Dalai Lama | |||
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The EuoEnglish meme is based on Mark Tawin's That Awful German Language. | |||
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Really, jheem? I must read it! | |||
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Here ya go, Kalleh! Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life. | |||
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Reviving a thread... Morgan started this thread in 2003, and I found at my Dad's this email with 5 pages of "interesting" facts. Now some of them we know, such as "A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the air is a skein." But others are fun. I will post a few at a time, and please chime in, either in discussion or with some others. 1) The giant squid has the largest eye in the world. 2) There are only 4 words in the English language that end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (Perhaps you disagree?) 3) Winston Churchill was born in the ladies' room during a dance. Some of you probably know this, but I sure didn't. | |||
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Here are a few more: 1) [This one we have already proven wrong  )]No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. 2) Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand; lollipop with your right. 3) The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. | |||
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Only if you're a trained typist. If you're a two-finger terror (as am I) then that doesn't apply. Richard English | |||
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Wow, I didn't know there were still "2-finger terrors." That's amazing! Today's bits of trivia: 1) Butterflies taste with their feet (makes sense!). 2) The full name of Los Angeles is: El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porcinucula. Wow...I didn't know that! 3) The longest one-syllable word in English is "screeched." | |||
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Or 'stretched' or 'scratched'. | ||
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Good Wordnerd! I knew we'd find a few errors in these. Here are some more: 1) "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in "mt." [Is that true?] 2) There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. 3) There is one word in the English language that his one vowel that occurs five times: "indivisibility" [I imagine there are more when you consider some of those long medical words.] | |||
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Hmmmm. My computer's vowel-counting mechanism says the "i" occurs six times in that word. Hmmmm. Maybe my mechanism needs an adjustment. | |||
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You're right. Geez...I didn't even count.  What a dufus I am. | |||
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Here are 3 more: 1) The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable." 2) Maine is the only state with only 1 syllable. 3) On a Canadian two dollar bill the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. [Edit: Changed "flan" in #3 to "flag;" it was a typo...and sorry!]This message has been edited. Last edited by: Kalleh, | |||
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What kind of flan? Richard English | |||
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flan Custar's las' stan'? Actually, I've never seen a two buck (Canadian) bill with the Parliament or any flags on its backside. I have seen plnety of US two buck bills with their corners cut. Maybe JT will tell us why ... —Ceci n'est pas un seing. | |||
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As nearly as I can determine, it's an attempt at making the banknotes more easily identifiable for the blind. ~~ JT | |||
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I'd heard the various folk beliefs about two dollar bills. Gamblers believed them to be unlucky. —Ceci n'est pas un seing. | |||
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I've seen a lot of parents using $2 bills in their tooth fairy roles. Speaking of money, I have a colleague who always uses the word "buck" instead of "dollar." I think 20 bucks sounds like so much more money than 20 dollars does. Do you agree? | |||
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My earlier post has gone to the great bit-bucket in the sky. Canadians no longer use $2 bank notes, which were withdrawn in 1996. They use the toonie instead. Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life. | |||
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Here are some more: 1) If you are an average American, you spend more that 6 months waiting at red lights. 2) Tigers have stripped skin, not just striped fur. 3) Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey. | |||
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Sent to me from a friend...and gave me a chuckle.  Children's Science Exam If you need a laugh, then read through these Children's Science Exam Answers. Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!) A: Keep it in the cow. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A: Premature death. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?(e.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U. Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...) A: Nearby. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section" A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome Q: What does the word "benign" mean?' A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. | |||
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I wonder who made these up... The varicose joke is spoken, and the Caesarean joke is written. Furthermore, some of these are pretty adult for children to say. Some of the questions are something you wouldn't ask children(like puberty), and some responses are far to complicated(body categorization). You may not mind, but those kind of things ruin the joke for me. | |||
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First of all, Sean, I merely copied this from the person who sent it to me. He had written those parenthetical comments. Secondly, I suppose you are right. These could have been made up or old jokes or whatever. I thought them funny and possible, but it surely does depend on the age of the "child;" I had assumed some to be for high schoolers. I imagine some of them came from kids, and some didn't. Diversity in humor, or in anything, makes life interesting. One thing I've noticed with the Web is such skepticism. I recently, completely by mistake, found a ListServ that very harshly criticized another site I know. What's the point? Log onto the other site and start a scholarly discussion. Debate the point. Why hide out in some little-seen Blog or ListServ and whine away? That's what bugs me about the Web...though I am not sure what brought that subject up now. | |||
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I know you weren't Kalleh, I was just generally venting about poorly constructed humor.
Partially, but I've noticed people believing a lot of things that they shouldn't have, due to faulty information on some website. In theory, logging onto a site and starting a scholarly discussion is the thing to do, but sometimes, people have views they don't want questioned, and react harshly to such things, especially from newbies. | |||
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I'm with Sean on this one. I'm always skeptical of kids-say-the-darndest-things humor, especially when it lacks contextual credibility, like questions about geriatric circulatory problems supposedly popping up on gradeschool exams. | |||
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Well, that's true, too, Sean. I think there are 2 kinds of people on the Web: Those who believe anything they read on the Web, and those who don't believe a thing. Surely information needs to be validated, but I also think people can go too far with skepticism. I suppose you're right, Neveu & Sean. I am going to ask the person who sent it to me where he got it. Perhaps I will be able to do a little detective work. I also agree, Sean, that people on Web sites sometimes don't like criticism. Good point. However, I just hated to see these highly critical (calling the site "miserable") remarks, right on top of Google, without giving the other site a chance to respond. It seems very anti-intellectual to me. The worst of it is, these "critics" are supposedly a very highly-educated bunch of people. | |||
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Surely there's a third category, to which I consider I belong. Those who believe that the internet is compendium of sources of information which, like every source, needs its information to be checked and judged. And, just like any other compendium, some of the sources will be more reliable than others and a judgement as to which is which will also be necessary. Richard English | |||
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I think there are 2 kinds of people on the Web There are 10 kinds of people online these days: those who know binary, and those who don't. [Fixed typo.]This message has been edited. Last edited by: zmježd, —Ceci n'est pas un seing. | |||
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zmj, Bah! I was mentally composing the same reply until I reached your message!  Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life. | |||
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Yes, you are right, Richard. There are those who don't believe anything they read, those who believe everything they read, and then there's Richard. The fact is, Richard, I was exaggerating. [Thanks, zmj, for privately explaining yours and arnie's binary posts. I had no clue.] | |||
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Hot Cross Puns The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. | |||
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--SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY December 31 , 2006 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM. Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. Class 5 After-Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM Class 6 Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help-Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7 Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum . Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. Class 8 Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real-Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. Class 11 Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing . Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 14 The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors. Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for the best chuckle of their day. | |||
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Those are so funny, Jerry, and, let's face it, a little bit true! | |||
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Assuming they find it. Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life. | |||
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This is not original with me. It drifted into my INBOX from the vast world of cyberspace. But it's so fitting that I think it might also appeal to my friends ... wherever it fits. "One single solitary word to concisely succinctly comprehensively describe ME? --- PURRFEKSHUNIST." | |||
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My brother sent me an email containing information from sugarstacks.com. The site illustrates how much sugar is in a food by stacks of sugar cubes. It also gives the total calories (kilocalories)and the calories from sugar. He saw that beer was not included in the beverages, concluded that beer must not have any calories, and swore to forego the fruit juices in favor of beer. | |||
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Although normal beer is made from sugars, it generally contains no sugar as it is all fermented out and turned into alcohol. Adding more sugar simply creates more alcohol. The only exception I know of is sweet stout (sometimes known as "milk stout") which has lactose added to it. This sugar does not ferment and the beer is therefore slightly sweet. Although alcohol does contain calories, beer is less fattening than many other foodstuffs. Richard English | |||
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My sister sent me this one, though I think NY's is much better for Illinois: Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity. Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat. Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything. California : By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda! Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother. Connecticut: Like Massachusetts , Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet. Delaware : We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water. Florida : Ask Us About Our Grandkids. Georgia : We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism. Hawaii : Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money) Idaho : More Than Just Potatoes...Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Good Illinois: Please, Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas : First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana : We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign. Maine : We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden 's Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work Montana: Land Of The Big Sky , The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else. Nebraska : Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Hookers and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney... North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! Ohio : At Least We're Not Michigan Oklahoma: Like The Play, But No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania : Cook With Coal Rhode Island : We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina : Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet. South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee : The Edyoocashun State Texas: Se Hablo Ingles Utah : Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont : Ay, Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington : We have more rain than you do. West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese! Wyoming: Where Men are men and the sheep are scared | |||
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A Wordcraft reader sent me this great email: If famous characters throughout time had Jewish mothers MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: 'After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?' CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: 'I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write...' MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: 'A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?' NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER: 'You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!' ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER: 'Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?' GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: 'Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac , you can kiss your allowance good-bye!' THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER: 'Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!' PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER: 'I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!' ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER: 'Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?' MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER: 'Desert, schmesert!! Where have you really been for the last forty years?' BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER: 'It would have killed you to become a doctor?' BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: 'Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl. | |||
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I advice you to contact them. And I'll get in touch with the solicitors of my dead Nigerian Uncle who has apparently left me $5,000,000. "No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money." Samuel Johnson. | |||
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