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It all began with the following: Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn. The cows are in the meadow, The sheep are in the corn, Where is the boy who looks after the sheep? He is under the haystack fast asleep. A Washington bureaucrat saw this and decided something had to be done. In accordance with the Act of Congress of June 8, 2009, a amended, we have conducted an intensive inquiry into the need for an adequate signal system in meadows and adjacent territories. The whole matter of stabilizing practices in these area is being processed with a view to attaining the objectives as stated in the directive of May 7. Considering the matter in an overall aspect, it is the conclusion of our policy committee, following repeated hearings, that the following steps are necessary to restore confidence and maintain morale: 1. Congress should provide immediate stimulation of the entire horn-blowing project. 2. A study should begin to determine standards with reference to the proper number of blasts to be blown when cows are in the meadow. 3. A signal system should be implemented requiring a signal easily distinguished from the former when the sheep are reported in the corn. 4. Authorization is needed for a complete study of the whole farm situation, a checkup of the bugle crisis, with possible freezing of bugle calls at April levels in accordance with the so-called Little Haystack Formula. 5. A congressional inquiry begun to ascertain the number of meadows in the country, the square miles of corn patches, and the wandering habits of sheep and cattle. 6. A census should be conducted to determine how many boys in the country are under a mandate to look after sheep. 7. A further study should determine whether these boys are subject to abnormal indolence or excessive slumber. 8. Appropriation of five million dollars must be made to provide adequate handling of the haystack matter, to assure an adequate distribution of horns, and to take all necessary steps to integrate, codify and coordinate all authorized operation. For the purpose of keeping our files accurate, will you inform this bureau of your correct name? It appears on our records as L. Boice Blow, Little B. Bloo and L.Ittle Boybluh. Reply to Harrison Peevy, U. S.. COW, SHEEP AND HAYSTACK ADMINISTRATION, Washington, D. C. 20230 | ||
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Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 1, 2009 RE: Gala Christmas Party I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family, Patty Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 2, 2009 RE: Gala Holiday Party In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family, Patty Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 3, 2009 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: October 4, 2009 RE: Generic Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply ”no sugar” desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All F*%^ing Employees DATE: October 5, 2009 RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party I’ve had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW! The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The B*tch from H*ll!!! Company Memo FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: October 6, 2009 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays! Joan | ||
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I received the nicest e-mail from a woman in a nursing home where I volunteer. She said, I want to thank you very much for your present of the portable TV. My room mate and I, Shirley Wilson, did not have any means of entertainment in our room and your wonderful gift means our days are no longer lonely and boring. Now we have a window on the outside world and it is because you selflessly gave to others with no thought for yourself. Excuse me for a moment. Sorry for the interruption but Shirley just asked if she could watch Judge Judy. I told her to go fuck herself. Once more, thank you for your gift and Merry Christmas. Effie Smith | ||
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I know we've shared a variety of re-writes of this famous poem, but I don't recall seeing this particular one before. Mea Culpa if this is a repeated post: 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' as written by a technical writer for a firm that does Gov't contracting... 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof. Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities. As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle. His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless. Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn." ******* "Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~Dalai Lama | |||
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Clever, CW. Shu wrote this parody for an invitation to a new year's party we had a long time ago. | |||
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I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you. It was to me, and it's very well written. I felt it really captured my own feelings about winter. 'WINTER' a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre SHIT, It's Cold ! The End | ||
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Elizabeth needs to move south. I liked this comic. (12/20/09) | |||
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Permalink: http://comics.com/pickles/2009-12-20/ Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life. | |||
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I know Richard will appreciate the sentiments in this e-mail I received today. “Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ”I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. “ ~Frank Sinatra WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ”When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” ~ H enny Youngman WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WIT H you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ”24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.” ~ Stephen Wright WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ”When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!” ~ Brian O’Rourke WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ”Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” ~ Benjamin Franklin WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a spaz. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ”Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” ~ Dave Barry WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To some, it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~Dave H owell WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here’s how it went: ” Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.” WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. | ||
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I just received this. Cute Animal Christmas Song Lyrics: Hey there internets, we don’t want you to fret, but we're not doing splendidly It is very cold, out here in the snow, without our friend David Bellamy Bill Oddie's doing stuff, but it's not enough, so can you do one thing for me? - Horn Break – We have had to fight, for every single bite, while you scoff your Christmas tea That is why we say, oh yes yet again, can you do one thing for me? Breathing places, space to roam, some where that I can call a home. Wish I could be safe and sound, in a bucket underneath the ground… Dub-i-dub-i-dum-dum… Dub-i-dub-i-dum… Dub-i-dum-dum-dub-i-dum… Dub-i-dub-i-dum… Dub-i-dub-i-dum-dum… Dub-i-dub-i-dum… Dub-i-dum-dum-dub-i-dum... Dub-i-dub-i-dum… Wish I had a home for Christmas… (Spoken) Merry Christmas! Find out about it online, yeah. http://www.coloribus.com/adsar...ristmas-song-534313/ | |||
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’Twere the Night After Redneck Christmas ’Twere the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys, And I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. The kids they weren’t talking to me or my wife, The worst Christmas, they said, that they’d had in their life. My wife couldn’t argue and just acted pissed; I watched a porn movie (seen lesbians kissed). When out in the yard the dog started barkin’, I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, “Roy, I am sworn to uphold the laws, And I got a complaint here from someone named Claus.” I said, “I don’t know anybody named Claus, And you cain’t take me in without probable cause.” Then the Sheriff he said, “He was shot at last night.” I said, “I might have done that. Just what’s he look like?” The Sheriff replied, “He’s a jolly old elf, But you know what he looks like, you saw him yourself. He’s a happy old soul with a big beer gut belly, That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. “He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry.” I said, “Damn! That sounds like my wife’s sister, Sherri.” “It’s no time for jokes, Roy,” the Sheriff he said. ”The man I’m describing is dressed all in red. I’m here for the truth now, it’s time to come clean. Tell me just what you’ve done, tell me what you have seen.” Well I started to lie, then I thought what the hay’ll — It won’t be the first time I’ve spent New Years in jail. I said, “Sheriff, it happened last night about ten, And I thought that my wife had been drinking again. When she walked in from work she was white as a ghost. I thought maybe she’d seen one of them UFO’s. But she said that a bunch of deer had flew overhead, And stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Red. Well, I ran out to look and the sight made me shudder, A freezer of venison standing right on Red’s gutter. My hands were a shakin’ as I grabbed me my gun, When outta Red’s chimney this feller did run. And slung on his back was this bag overflowin’. He stolen Red’s stuff while ol’ Red was out bowlin’. I yelled, ‘Drop it fat boy, put yer hands in the air!’ But he went ‘bout his business. He hadn’t a care. “So a warning shot popped right over his head. And he quick dropped that bag and jumped in that sled. And as he flew off, I heard him extort, ’That’s assault with intent, Roy, I’ll see ya in court!’” | ||
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REASONS FOR RETIREMENT How many days in a week? - Six Saturdays, one Sunday. What do you do all week? - Monday to Friday, nothing; Saturday & Sunday I rest. When is a retiree's bedtime? - Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. How many retirees to change a light bulb? - Only one, but it might take all day. Why don't retirees mind being called seniors? - The term comes with a 10% percent discount. Among retirees what is considered formal attire? - Tied shoes. Why do retirees count pennies? - They have the time. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement,attic or garage? - They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. What's the biggest gripe of retirees? - There is not enough time to get everything done. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? - If you cut classes, no one can call your parents. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? - He's too polite to tell the whole truth. What do retirees call a long lunch? - Normal. What is the best way to describe retirement? - The never-ending Coffee Break. And what is the common term for someone who refuses to retire? - NUTS! | ||
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Two situations, and then see if you can answer the question. Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week. The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn’t reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for a year from then. Now, the Question: Why the different treatment for the two patients? Answer: The first is a Golden Retriever; the second is a Senior Citizen. | ||
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Or broke.  Geoff, who will never be able to quit working AND live in a house It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. -J. Krishnamurti | |||
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...and the first paid cash | |||
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Here's one I got today -- Diet Quiz If you answer “yes” to five or more of these questions, you may want to consider restricting your future calorie intake. 1. Has your neighborhood supermarket ever offered to send for you with a limo? 2. After ordering lunch at a fast-food drive-thru window, has it been delivered to your cat on a hand truck? 3. Within the last month, have you burned out more than two refrigerator bulbs? 4. Do people often decide to follow you up on the next elevator? 5. Has your fork ever suddenly come up missing? 6. Have you ever broken out in a cold sweat when you realized you were more than a mile from the nearest Taco Bell? 7. Is there a restraining order against you from the Association of All-You-Can-Eat Restaurants? 8. Have you ever spent a significant amount of time going from the first to the second floor on an escalator? 9. On a recent Caribbean cruise, did the captain order you to stay in the center of the ship? 10. Do your picnics in the country involve renting a U-Haul? 11. Does the left side of your car seem to bottom out a lot? 12. Does your street always seem to have more potholes than other streets? 13. Does your pet know better than to hang around you when the refgrigerator is empty? 14. Is Minute Rice too slow for you? 15. Is Instant Pudding too slow? 16. Have you ever eaten Stove Top Stuffing right off the stove top? 17. Is yours the only house where garbage trucks deliver? 18. Does your idea of a barbecue require an entire stockyard? 19. Does a snack involve more than two loaves of bread? 20. Do you want to win the Wisconsin State Lottery just for the cheese? 21. Is your photograph too heavy to lift? 22. Are you listed in Guinness World Records? | ||
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Four Cats Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, The second man was an Accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and The fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, “T-square, do your stuff.” T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, ”Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?” The Government Employee called his cat and said, “CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.” CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,put in for Workers Compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............ AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!! | ||
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I received this from an email today...so appropriate for a site about words and language: 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.. 19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? | |||
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Got this one today: Did I read that sign right? TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW. In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT. In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS... In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN. In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD. Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS... Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so.) ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR. Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR. Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS. On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.) Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say? Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Really? Ya' think? Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Now that's taking things a bit far! Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over What a guy! Miners Refuse to Work after Death No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant See if that works better than a fair trial! War Dims Hope for Peace I can see where it might have that effect! If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya' think?! Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Who would have thought! Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide They may be on to something! Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge He probably IS the battery charge! New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Weren't they fat enough?! Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft That's what he gets for eating those beans! Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Do they taste like chicken? Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Chainsaw Massacre all over again! Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Boy, are they tall! And the winner is... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead | ||
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Those are absolutely hilarious, proof. So many! I have posted this one before, but I love it every time I see it here in Winnetka. I am paraphrasing it because I am not sure the exact wording: Police ticket people who don't stop at stop signs. I guess I can speed to my heart's delight.  | |||
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