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500 posts and time for a Continuation thread...
Originally posted by Dianthus: What are Santa's little helpers called? Subordinate Clauses. |
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Thanks, Hab, for restarting this thread. I think many of us know that we are not posting the "World's Funniest Joke" here, but it is a good place for some humor.
Here is something that Asa sent me. However he can't seem to cut and paste on our board, so I am posting it for him. I think it is hilarious...so descriptive of the times!  Seasonal Greetings Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the solstice holiday, practiced within the traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year of 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "America" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, position on global warming, or sexual preference of the wishee. (By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.) |
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Did you hear about the occult parents whose child wasn't progressing well in school, so they bought her "Hooked on Cthonics?"
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Here's another of Asa's jokes...I'd be so jokeless without Asa! 'Tis a little political, and yet so very appropriate for this board. Therefore, please don't take offense.
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your Independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up vocabulary). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you Japanese cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. |
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This is a truncated version of the "Revocation of Independence" letter, which has apparently evolved from one that originated in 2000.
Tinman |
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I got this email today, and thought them quite funny:
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? __________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. |
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The same guy sent me another funny joke. I have tried to lure him to Wordcraft, but instead he sends me posts:
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W". COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later) ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on "START"............. |
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Well, I suppose you have to find out this about me sooner or later, so I might as well get it over with: I'm an inveterate punster.
My latest inspiration: Q: Why should you feel flattered if a clutch of hens jumps out from behind a bush and cackles "Boo!" at you? A: Because you have just been given a pullet surprise. BTW, is there a limericks section in the neighborhood? === Perhaps the most revolting character that the U.S. ever produced was the Christian businessman. -- H.L. Mencken |
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You should try out our first-born site, Chris Strolin's OEDILF (www.oedilf.com) - not only is it the place for limerick fans but I think, just based on your post here, that you and Chris have a lot in common sense-of-humour-wise.
But of course you should also stick around here. I'd recommend the double-dactyls threads. And of course please post limericks here too. The OEDILF can be a little limiting to your creativity. "No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money." Samuel Johnson. Read all about my travels around the world here. Read even more of my travel writing and poems on my weblog. My new blog - which I hope to keep more up to date than my old one. And don't miss this - my unpublished book, coming a chapter a week |
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While not a punny game, we've got a "make up an outlandish 'daffynition'" game going on. How about sending me a private message with a fanciful definition for the word, "musth?" If you actually know its meaning, you can pick the right one when I post the daffynitions plus the correct one. Oh, since you did an animal pun, that makes you an inveterinarian punster, doesn't it? |
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The most recent limericks thread is Limericks, continued, in 'The Written Word'. Come on you raver, you seer of visions, Come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine! |
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A co-worker today stated that he'd been to a particularly pestilent Asian restaurant where he'd been served by Thai food Mary.
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Today is Groundhog Day. Ummmm, isn't that another term for sausage?
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[lithping] Your winksh is my command! 
I'm glad that you joined our conversin' The paronomasia Here will amaze ya. I've made us a place to put verse on. |
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A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. during a downpour and somehow
manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon." "Who?" "Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time." "Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger. "Not Sheldon. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. He was more handsome and sophisticated than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something. Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy. He had a memory like a computer; could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out." "Wow, incredible, no wonder you remember him!" "Well, I never actually met Sheldon." "Then how do you know so much about him?" "After he died, I married his wife." |
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No, it's the movie adaptation of Camus's The Myth of Sisyphus . |
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Once I finally grasped the Camus joke, I tend to think that Bill Murray's character didn't really enjoy doing it.
Groundhogs are also known as Woodchucks and Thistlepigs. |
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Since we are approaching St Valentine's day, here's some advice for any unattached lady wordcrafters:
Come on you raver, you seer of visions, Come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine! |
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Eventually he did. He learned to play the piano, caught the kid falling from the tree, fixed the ladies' flat tire, etc. |
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Neveu reminds me of the time I dated a woman with an "Olive Oyl" figure. She was a very athletic type, and an expert in martial arts. One day some gang members mugged someone within sight of us, so she slipped off her size 1/2A bra, filled the cups with rocks, spun it over her head, and let fly. WHACK!!! The muggers went down, both rocks hitting them in their heads. We called the police, then she strolled over to the two fallen felons, and said, "It's not over 'till the flat lady slings!"
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The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that there's too much irony in posting "Thou Shalt Not Steal", Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.
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My contribution: 137.
Don't get it? OK, then see my next post. David === Perhaps the most revolting character that the U.S. ever produced was the Christian businessman. -- H.L. Mencken |
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The California penal system is so big that they have specialized prisons, not just for women & men, but for occupational categories. There's one in Burbank where all the felonious comedians, stand-ups, joke writers, etc. are incinerate-- er, incarcerated.
So, this young comic was brought in to do his double nickel for impersonating Rodney Dangerfield without a license. In his cell, he listens to the intercellular chatter, and it's pretty strange: among the normal talk, someone will say a number, "385" say, and then there'll be a greater or lesser degree of laughter and/or applause. He asks his cellmate what's going on, and he explains that these guys, being pros, know all the jokes there are, and so with all the time on their hands, they assigned each of them a number, so that, for convenience's sake, you just have to say the number of the joke you want to "tell". The newbie thinks this over and decides to try to take part. He doesn't know the numbering system, so he just randomly says "93". Dead silence. "I guess that wasn't a very funny joke", he said to his cellmate, who responded "No, the joke's hilarious, but your delivery sucked!" David |
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