Do you know how Albuquerque got its name?

Way back when the West was full of towns that as yet had no names, John and his son were travelling westward with their friend Al.

Al had told John that his only goal in life was to have a town named after him. He had also told the boy, who was a very very polite young man who said, "Yes, Sir."

One day Al was terribly ill and could not travel any more. He told John, "Just leave me here so I won't slow you down. But be sure not to forget ... Name A Town After Me."

"Yeah, sure, Al. I won't forget."

Next morning as John and his boy trudged on westward Al shouted one more time, "Name a town after me!"

Then he heard the boy's voice from the distance saying, "I'll make sure he does it, Mr. Buquerque."

That's how AlBurquerque got its name.

80% of all cartoon characters carry extra weight.

It's easy to lose, though.

They need only put the anvil down.

I have no idea how to search if this joke has already been posted so I'll just go ahead... This one is especialy for Caterwauller...

An ten year old girl is trying to check out a book entitled " Advice for Young Mothers" from the local library.

Very concerned Librarian: Now why would you need to check out this particular book, dear?

Little girl: I collect moths.

quote:

Originally posted by TrossL:
...
Little girl: I collect moths.

Very nice; not a belly laugh, but one of the pleasantest chuckles I've had in weeks.

This is a particularly good example for the theory that humor consists of setting up an expectation and then confounding it -- which school I prefer, since the other one is the slipping-on-the-banana-peel school, which avers that humor is based on the enjoyment of contemplating other people in pain or embarrassment. (But note that a person walking down the sidewalk an then winding up flat on his back is also confounding the expectation that the walk would continue as it began. <bell rang -- school's out>

Phroggye

I'm glad to see TrossL back with us! Where ya been?

Little Johnny is visiting Grandma, and is out playing with the neighborhood children. He comes back to Grandma and asks, "Grandma, what's it called when two people sleep in the same room, and one is on top of the other?" Grandma blushes, and says, "Johnny, that's called sexual intercourse." Johnny runs off, then returns a short time later and says to Grandma, "Billy's mom says you're wrong, Grandma, it's called bunk beds, and she wants to talk with you NOW!'"

There, Froeschlein, that one does both!

The travel section of my newspaper contained an article about a new hotel in Frankfurt, Germany, called the Villa Kennedy. The author stated that JFK was once driven past the site in 1963.

This reminded me of a cartoon I saw recently.

Man in bar: "Hello, Sharon."
Girl (unenthusiastic): "Hello."
Man: "I went past your house last night."
Girl: "Thanks."

The little boy sitting on the park bench took a Family-Size candy bar from his large paper bag and ate it.

The middle-aged man at the other end of the bench watched in silence as the boy swallowed the last bite and reached for another candy bar.

Having quicky consumed two candy bars the boy was reaching for a third when the man said, "If you eat so much candy you'll get fat and sick and die young."

Munching his third candy bar the boy said, "My grandpa's 102 and he's slender and very healthy."

"He must have learned how to control his diet," said the man.

"No," said the little boy, "He learned to mind his own fuckin' business."

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact the titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly waiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as SINKO de MAYO.

I like that, Asa.

Actually, the official Mexican Independence Day is not the fifth of May, but (as was explained to me by a Mexican professor) it's popular in the USA to celebrate now because it's so much easier for gringos to say "Cinco de mayo" than "Dieciséis de septiembre."

strange that a Mexican professor would say such a thing... While it is true that Cinco de Mayo is not independence day, it is a significant day in Mexican history.

http://www.vivacincodemayo.org/history.htm

I wonder why we celebrate ANY foreign holiday, be it St Paddy's Day, Bastille Day, Cinco de Mayo, or something else, but then I don't celebrate ANYthing. Wellll, maybe the anniversary of Mt. St. Helens (May 18th), but that's about it.

Asa the Curmudgeon

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
His funeral services will be held on Monday.

Poor Sunflower! Where is she burying you?

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Asa Lovejoy:
A woman comes home and tells her husband,…

Great story. Can I borrow it, please???

Girl A:

"I'm thinking of getting a green car next time."

Girl B

"I think I'd prefer a blue one."

Girl A:

"No, I meant an environmentally-friendly one."

Girl B:

I don'y think the environment cares much about the colour of your car."

quote:

Originally posted by pearce:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Asa Lovejoy:
A woman comes home and tells her husband,…

Great story. Can I borrow it, please???

Dare I ask what you're planning to do with it?

quote:

Originally posted by Asa Lovejoy:
Great story. Can I borrow it, please???

Dare I ask what you're planning to do with it?[/QUOTE]

No you may not. You should know (oxymoronically) that plagiarism is manifestly secretive. But I promise I shall keep it strictly legal.

So, is it your professional diagnosis that I'm a moron of the oxy variety? And an Asian idiot is an orimoron?

Be that as it may, it's not my original story, so do with it as you will!

quote:

Originally posted by Asa Lovejoy:
Be that as it may, it's not my original story, so do with it as you will!

Thanks. I shall.

I had an affair with a shrink. It was a psychiatryst.

Old Cowboy

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Adam was talking to God in the Garden of Eden, and complained that he was feeling lonely.

"I've got just the companion for you!" said God, "She will cook for you, clean up after you, bear your children, all without a word of complaint. She'll always be your best friend, and will never have a headache. Only thing is, she'll cost you an arm and a leg."

"Hmm..." said Adam, "What have you got for just a rib?"

On the morning of the third day of their honeymoon the bridegroom is reading the TV schedules in the newspaper, but the bride, in the other room, is unaware of that.

He says: "Do you want to see Oliver Twist?"

She says: "If you make that thing do one more trick, I'm outta here."

I love it, and you posted it on my birthday, too!

This little piggie is talking to his urologist:

"I keep going wee, wee, wee all the way home!"

Ireland Declares War on France

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, "there's myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor
Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused, "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.

"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.

"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well."

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000."

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top O the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

She says, "Who cares what that contraption is or what it's for. Best just to leave it alone. But grab that big hunk of cheese and bring it along. It'd be a shame to let that go to waste."

[credit to Gary Larsen -- The Far Side

Here are 2 nursing related jokes that I recently heard and liked:

1) The nurse came in and asked the patient if she liked her breakfast. She said "yes, except for the Kentucky jelly." [For non-Americans: KY jelly is a lubricant. KY is the abbreviation for Kentucky in the U.S.]

2) A rather shy OB-Gyn resident was doing a pelvic exam on a woman. When he was embarrassed he alway whistled, so he was whistling. The patient began to laugh. He asked her if he were tickling her, and she said, "No, it's just that you are whistling, 'I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner...'"

This is more than a little risque...

A woman couldn't help but notice how gorgeous her neighbor's tomatoes were. One day he was out working at the same time as she, and she called across the fence to ask his secret. He told her she would never believe him, and she said "try me."

"Well," he said, "Every morning before the rest of the world gets up, and every night just after sunset I come out here and expose myself to them. They are so embarrassed they turn this gorgeous color."

She naturally laughed and shrugged him off. However, she kept thinking about it as she saw how lovely his tomatoes were each day, and finally she decided it couldn't hurt to try it herself.

Several days later she saw him again, and he inquired if she had tried his trick. Blushing, she admitted she had.

"And are your tomatoes redder?" he asked.

"No," she said, "but you should see the size of my cucumbers."

Funny, Jo!

I loved it, Jo, and so did my hubby. :-)

Isn't there a list somewhere to the effect of "Twenty Reasons Why a Cucumber is Better Than a Man"?

You betcha! I remember a poster similar to this in one of my sorority sisters' rooms.

MOSES


Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. The President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the President.

The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?" The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.

"Well," said the president,"every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there was no oil."

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk.

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk . .

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

b) Nope, no more drinks for me, I've reached my limit.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) Please take the shooters back, let's have water.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero coordination.

I) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

k) Look, it would be great to have sex but I hardly know you and we will only feel embarrassed and awkward in the morning.

l) That chair looks wobbly and dangerous and I certainly wouldn't try balancing on it with this short skirt on in case I fell off.

m) I must get to my bed as I could never have a really good sleep in that hedge.

I find almost everything difficult to say when drunk, apart from, "Who wants another drink? I'm buying!"

quote:

Originally posted by arnie:
I find almost everything difficult to say when drunk, apart from, "Who wants another drink? I'm buying!"

Same here but with me it's "I want another drink, who's buying?"

(And as cat, among others, will confirm, I have little or no trouble with h) drunk or sober.)

Excellent list . . . I usually try to spend more time singing and dancing (although NEVER balancing on chairs!) to keep from getting drunk in the first place.

Man in Bar 1: "Have a drink! I'm celebrating thirty years of being in love with the same woman."

Man in Bar 2: "Thanks. Why isn't she here with you tonight?"

MIB 1: "Have you ever tried to get a date with Goldie Hawn?"

Nice, arnie.

I was at my Dad's today, and when I am there I always read his Readers Digest. I thought this "word" joke was priceless:

Here is an actual statement on a college essay:

"If there were one word that best described me, it would be 'profectionist'."

The young mother of identical twin sons was destitute and had to give up her babies for adoption.

Years later she won the lottery and was able to hire private investigators to help in her effort to accomplish a most important goal ----- she wanted to see her sons.

They found that one of the twins was adopted by an Arabic-speaking family and was named Amal.

The other was taken by a Chinese family and named Wan.

She travelled to Shanghai and had a nice visit with Wan and his adopted family, but the detectives could not find his twin brother.

She wept.

She mourned ... until her friend pointed out, "They're identical twins! See Wan and you've seen Amal."

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.

However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."

Well, here it is:

1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to
him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's
fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in
bed."

That's Telemarketing.

4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to
him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten
his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By
the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and
says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you
talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.

7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.

8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing., so you climb onto the
roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your
lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Junk Mail.

9. You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and grabs
your ass.

That's the Governor of California.

10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were
offended.

That's the USA. Other countries may differ.

Funny, Asa.

I found this Reader's Digest joke funny:

How many times have you waited in the supermarket checkout line only to be greeted by the bagger asking, "Paper or plastic?" This time the young man threw me for a loop when he said, "Kill a tree or stangle a bird?"

Man in Bar: "I told my girlfiend that if she wants me to give up the drink she'll have to give up makeup. She said she needs the makeup so she looks pretty for me."
2nd MIB: "What did you say?"
MIB: "I said that's what the drink is for."

Guess who's NOT gonna get lucky tonight!

Asa, I work in the field of public relations, but I must say, I have never tried such tactics.
How different my career path might have been...

Now I'll just have to forward your list to several of my colleagues, my husband and my son in California. There's nothing like a good Governator joke.

Wordmatic

Are you down with the SOV? Yeah, you me know.

???

A linguistic hiphop joke, courtesy of Morphologilistic.

“You down with OPP? Yeah, you know me” is a line from “OPP” by Naughty By Nature. SOV refers to languages with the sentence structure subject - object - verb. So changing "you know me" to "you me know" makes reference to SOV but destroys the rhyme in the process of making this geeky joke, and this makes it HILARIOUS omg.

On the other hand, if you don't already know the background you probably won't find it very funny. Sorry.

Oh, rats, I thought SOV was Single Occupancy Vehicle, which is fine if it's a bicycle!