[QUOTE
How different my career path might have been...[/quote]
Care to elaborate?

quote:

Now I'll just have to forward your list to several of my colleagues, my husband and my son in California. There's nothing like a good Governator joke.

I've got a son in Californica too. I guess some people like eighty zillion people stuffed into the neighborhood. BLEAHHHH!!!!

Wordmatic[/QUOTE]

quote:

Originally posted by Asa Lovejoy:
Care to elaborate?

Um, I might have been fired for lewd behavior?

quote:

I've got a son in Californica too.

Mine's in Long Beach. We always get a chuckle when we got out there for Christmas and they're all complaining cause it's so cold--all the way down in the 60's (that would be in the teens in celcius.)

quote:

Originally posted by Asa Lovejoy:
Oh, rats, I thought SOV was Single Occupancy Vehicle, which is fine if it's a bicycle!

Wikipedia's got a long list here.
And it's the stock symbol for Soverign Bankcorp.

So it can mean anything you want it to mean.

Didn't understand more than a third of that rap lyric, but it is hilarious.

quote:

Originally posted by wordmatic:

So it can mean anything you want it to mean.

I'd disagree with you there... I don't think it can mean "aardvark" for instance.

quote:

Originally posted by gooofy:
I don't think it can mean "aardvark" for instance.

Sure it can! Scratches On Veldt!

Stunted Orycteropodidan Villain!

"When I use a word, it means what I want it to mean; neither more, nor less."

Some of these are old and stale, but a few are GOOD!!!

Never take life seriously; nobody gets out alive anyway.

**
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

**
Life is sexually transmitted.

**
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

**
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

**
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

**
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

**
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

**
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
**
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

**
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

**
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

**
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly thingies here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there?
I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.

**
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

**
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,
but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the
bathroom is?

**
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

**
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

**
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

**
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

**
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face,
he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride,
he sticks his head out the window?

**
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
faster?
**
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

An elderly lady buys a hen parrot; when she takes the parrot home she is distressed to find that she has been taught to say "Hello, Big Boy! Feel like some fun?" in a sexy voice. She goes to the local priest for advice since she knows he keeps parrots as well.

The priest suggests they put the hen in with two of his cock birds; they spend much of the day praying, he says. With luck some of their piety will rub off.

When they put the three birds together and the hen says her party piece, one cock turns to the other and says "It looks like our prayers have been answered!"

Love it, Arnie!

As long as we're talking about "animal attraction" of the avian kind ...

A farmer, wishing to "service" his hens, purchases Brewster the Rooster, and before releasing Brewster on the farm, gives him a pep talk. He chuckles, "Brewster, you've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. So pace yourself, take your time and have some fun."

But Brewster, having his own ideas, takes off like a shot, and WHAM! - before you know it, Brewter has serviced every hen in the hen house three or four times. Then there's the sound of a commotion in the duck pen, and sure enough, Brewster is there. By late afternoon the farmer sees Brewster after a flock of geese, down by the lake. WHAM! He got all the geese. By sunset Brewster is out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

Well, it's simply too much for any male, and the next morning the farmer awakes to find Brewster lying in the middle of the farmyard, feet in the air, stone still, with vultures circling overhead. The farmer is saddened, for not only had he paid a hefty price for Brewster, he had come to admire him. Walking over to Brewster he tearfully whispers to him, "Oh, Brewster! I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself!"

Brewster opens one eye, winks to the farmer, and ever so slightly points a wingtip toward the vultures circling overhead as he whispers back, "Shhhhhh! Quiet, you old fool; they're getting closer!"

quote:

As long as we're talking about "animal attraction" of the avian kind

As long as we're talking about "animal attraction" of the rooster kind, here's one.

Q: What is the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

A: (white type): A rooster clucks defiance ...

(If you still don't get it, see here.)

Although lawyers are not especially popular in England, they don't seem to arouse quite the same levels of hatred as they do in the USA.

Of course, the new breed of "no win, no fee" ambulance chasers that we now have in England may be changing our attitudes.

It's not "hatred," Richard; it's making fun of the few who aren't well respected. Surely all professions and occupations have those kinds of people. Lawyers are no different.

I heard a cute joke today from a 5th grader. He saw a man with a Blackberry and said, "What is the politically correct name for "Blackberry?" "African American" berry.

quote:

A rooster clucks defiance ...

quote:

it's making fun of the few who aren't well respected.

I think the lawyer joke phenomenon is more than that, Kalleh. I think it stems from the fact that many people in the profession have manipulted the system to make life more complicated and expensive for the masses. Surely you'd agree that malpractice insurance has gotten out of control because of the lawyers who rouse mourning clients to sue even when a suit is not in their best interest? I would dare say that I feel that our medical insurance practices have allowed lawyers (and their minimum-wage-paid phone adjusters) to dictate what medical tests and procedures we may or may not receive. These are two examples of a whole raft of problems in our medical system, and I could, unfortunately go on. Many other professions and aspects of American Life have been poorly influenced by the unscrupulous practices of money-mongering lawyers (don't even get me started on the legal system itself, or the fact that our government seems to be run by the lawyers, for the lawyers).

Ummm
sorry
*steps gingerly off her soapbox*
*skulks away to the kitchen for a cup of tea to calm herself*

Someone sent me this ad - a library joke and a blonde joke! Lovely!

quote:

I think it stems from the fact that many people in the profession have manipulted the system to make life more complicated and expensive for the masses. Surely you'd agree that malpractice insurance has gotten out of control because of the lawyers who rouse mourning clients to sue even when a suit is not in their best interest?

Well, I will get on my soapbox then...though I hate to in a joke thread. I don't agree with you. I have just seen too much. Most physicians and most lawyers are excellent, professional, and humanitarian, from my experiences. The same goes for other professions. There are a few that make the rest look bad. I don't agree that lawyers have "manipulated" the system and "driven" costs up. Often they have helped the little guy when he has been tromped over by the medical system or other bureacracies. My daughter, as I write this, is working at night and on the weekends on a pro bono case to free a wrongly imprisoned man. She also worked to free some innocent men being held in Guantanamo Bay. This is all done, of course, along with her other work. Is she odd? Absolutely not. Lawyers do it all the time. Doctors treat the poor and uninsured without expecting payment, too.

As far as malpractice, yeah, some lawyers take advantage...but again, it's not often. If patients feel they have been wronged, they absolutely have the right to pursue that. And do you know why patients sue? There have been many studies on that, and it is generally agreed that patients sue when the medical facility and physicians don't admit their error or say they are sorry. Do you know how far an "I am sorry" will go? Just remember, there are a lot of myths out there about why costs are so high. I tend to think the culprits are the insurers, but I suppose there are some good insurance executives, too.

Okay...back to the jokes...

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Kalleh,

quote:

She also worked to free some innocent men being held in Guantanamo Bay.

All the men held in Guantanamo Bay are innocent under the US Constitution (or English Law, come to that). Both codes presume that a man is innocent until proven guilty by proper process of Law. That has not yet happened in Guantanamo Bay as the detainees have not been tried.

I do have a way of bringing up controversial issues, don't I? I absolutely didn't intend to get into a Guantanamo Bay discussion with this. Sorry, Wordcrafters.

How the devil did political considerations get into this anyway?

All the men held in Guantanamo Bay are innocent under the US Constitution (or English Law, come to that). Both codes presume that a man is innocent until proven guilty by proper process of Law.

Speaking as a lawyer, I'd point out that that is misleading. Prior to trial a man is presumed to be innocent of criminal charges. A captured enemy soldier is not a criminal (by his soldiering), but that in no way bars detaining the captured enemy for the duration of the conflict.

Has anybody in the Government published any criteria for defining the end to the conflict?

How will we know when the War On Terror (or for that matter, the War On Drugs) reaches its duration ???

How is the enemy described or recognized?

The world's most horrible joke has ceased being funny.

Excellent questions, Jerry. I'm not agreeing with Bush here. All I'm saying is that the Guantanamo legal question is much too complex to be resolved just by a 2-line statement.

quote:

How will we know when the War On Terror (or for that matter, the War On Drugs) reaches its duration ???

Or the War on Crime, the War on Cancer, the War on Poverty.

We sure have a lot of a lot of declared metaphorical wars and undeclared shootin' wars for a country that hasn't actually declared war on anyone for 65 years.

quote:

Originally posted by neveu:

We sure have a lot of a lot of declared metaphorical wars and undeclared shootin' wars for a country that hasn't actually declared war on anyone for 65 years.

Ya mean our values are a bit warped?
See http://www.lewrockwell.com/harris/harris9.html

Regarding lawyer Shu's point: That leaves those who were simply at the wrong place at the wrong time in limbo, and that's what bothers me.

I looked a long time before finding this thread!

This morning as I was waiting for the train, someone told me this joke. He said his wife told him never to tell it because no one would get it, but I thought my fellow wordcrafters would:

Descartes sat down at the counter in a local cafe, and the waitress asked him if he wanted some coffee. He said, "I think not." He then disappeared.

Ah, that's great!

I love it! If Descartes had come from the deep South, would he have drawled, "Cogito, ergo est?"
OK, so you can't say, "I is" in Latin...

Feb. 2 was Einstein's birthday. He would have been 107. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was big-breasted, and postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a genetic connection. This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

LOL

And this one's right up there with Yorkshire Airlines:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifKKlhYF53w

Wordmatic

This is definitely not the 'world's funniest joke'; more like the 'world's silliest joke'. It made me laugh when I saw it, though.

A duck goes into a bar. He asks the barman, "Got any bread?" "No!" says the barman, "Go away."
Five minutes later he returns, "Got any bread?" "No!
After another five minutes he returns, "Got any bread/" "Listen," says the barman, "I've already said no twice. Now go away or I'll nail your beak to the bar."
Back comes the duck in another five minutes, "Got any nails?" "No!" "Good. Got any bread?"

Combining Kalleh's "I think not" with arnie's concept of an odd customer in a bar:

A rope walks up to the western-style bar, has a seat, and calls for a beer. The barkeep responds, "Sorry, but we don't serve your kind in here," and jerks his thumb to point to the sign saying, "Cowboys, Leave Your Ropes Outside. No Ropes Allowed."

The rope, abashed, walks outside in dismay. Then idea strikes him, and he ties himself into a knot, ravels his ends, and saunters back into the bar. "Give me a beer," he demands confidently.

The barkeep eyes him suspiciously. "Aren't you that rope I just threw out of here?"

And the rope replies, "No, I'm a-frayed knot."

quote:

A duck goes into a bar. He asks the barman, "Got any bread?" "No!" says the barman, "Go away."
Five minutes later he returns, "Got any bread?" "No!
After another five minutes he returns, "Got any bread/" "Listen," says the barman, "I've already said no twice. Now go away or I'll nail your beak to the bar."
Back comes the duck in another five minutes, "Got any nails?" "No!" "Good. Got any bread?"

This is especially funny if you've ever spent any time with a duck.

Leave it to Shufitz to string us along.

Bartender asks the Drunk who just arrived, "What'll it be?"

"Bartender, give me a drink. Have one for yourself. Give everybody in the place a drink."

Bartender gets busy & serves the drinks as ordered, then presents the bar bill to the Drunk, who looks ashamed as he turns his pockets inside out and says, "I ain't got no money."

Bartender briskly walks around the end of the bar, grabs the Drunk by the collar and the seat of his pants and heaves him out through the swinging doors.

After a while the Drunk rises from the gutter, brushes bits of garbage off his clothes, goes back in and yells at the Bartender, "Hey! Give me a drink and give everybody else a drink, but you can't have any more cuz you get mean when you drink."

Grasshopper goes into a bar and orders a berr. the bartender says, "Hey, you know we have a drink named after you."

"Really?", inquires the grasshopper. "You have a drink named Harold?"

Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer ?

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin' them fast food restrents fer makin' them fat an cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he Gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer."

"But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin' .... What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them butt-ugly women I slept with?"

Jo, I see you've been able to maintain your sense of humor! Great one, Asa!

I've been reading a book about the life of a little girl, and she was telling of her favorite little girl joke...the one about why ducks have flat feet? To stamp out forrest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks. She remembers laughing until her stomach ached over that one. I remember loving the knock-knock joke: Knock knock. Who's there? Sarah. Sarah who? Sarah doctor in the house?

Funny how our joke tastes change.

Pat and Mike had spent the evening bar hopping. But then Pat turned his pockets inside out and said, "I'm out of money."

"Me too," said Mike, agreeably.

"No problem," said Pat. "We can go up to my place and get some money from my wife's purse."

They climb the stairs to Pat's place, enter, and see Mrs. Pat's purse on the dining table.

While Pat dumps the purse's contents on the table and picks out coins, Mike creeps across the room and peeks through the half-open bedroom door. Rushing back, he whispers to Pat, "Hey, there's a guy in there in bed with your wife."

"Don't interrupt me," says Pat. "I've found enough money to get a bottle for you and a bottle for me."

"Wh- what about that guy in there in bed with your wife?"

"Let him get his own bottle."

Exeunt.

Isn't that the same Pat who said, "Great idea, Mike. Now we have to pee in the boat!"

Q: "Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene"?

A: "No, sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer, who provided this description"?

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers"?

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties"?

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room"?

A: "Yes, sir. I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker"?

A: "Yes, sir."

Q: "Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers"?

A: "You see, sir. We share the building with the court complex and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

Very funny!

A man is being interviewed on local radio because it's his golden wedding anniversary.

"And why do you think you've been able to stay married for 50 years, Mr Smith?" days the interviewer.
"Well, for our 25th anniversary I took her to visit Australia," he replies.
"What are you doing for the 50th?"
"I'm going back to collect her."

Good one, Arnie!

I suppose sometime we should change this thread to just say "Jokes." What I am about to post is hardly even a joke, and certainly not the "world's funniest," but it put a smile on my face:

Today's Web and YouTube definitely provide a different perspective to Shakespeare's quote, "All the world's a stage."

Today's web is also a great place for collecting funnies, isn't it? I was appreciative to a friend for putting a smile on my face with this missive yesterday, which I place in the category, "computers, gotta love'm":

INSTRUCTIONS:
Go to Google Maps
Hit "Get Directions"
Enter From: "New York, NY" To: "Paris, France"
Note especially instruction #23

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark."

Well, bethree, I tried entering New York, NY and Paris, France, but I got:

"We could not understand the locations From "New York, NY" and To "Paris, France".

Suggestions:

Make sure all street and city names are spelled correctly.
Make sure your addresses include a city and state.
Try entering a zip code"

that's strange, Kalleh. We got it just fine, and although it was #24, not 23, it was hilarious.

did you put New York, NY in the left hand box, and Paris, France in the right hand box?

It worked for me, too. The best instruction was No.24, as mentioned by jo, not 23.

*sigh*, and I did double-check my entry before submitting it, as newbies should . Glad you found the funny part!... it reminded me of one of those horrible old "But, Mommy" jokes I found so hilarious at age 10...