Do you know how Albuquerque got its name?

Way back when the West was full of towns that as yet had no names, John and his son were travelling westward with their friend Al.

Al had told John that his only goal in life was to have a town named after him. He had also told the boy, who was a very very polite young man who said, "Yes, Sir."

One day Al was terribly ill and could not travel any more. He told John, "Just leave me here so I won't slow you down. But be sure not to forget ... Name A Town After Me."

"Yeah, sure, Al. I won't forget."

Next morning as John and his boy trudged on westward Al shouted one more time, "Name a town after me!"

Then he heard the boy's voice from the distance saying, "I'll make sure he does it, Mr. Buquerque."

That's how AlBurquerque got its name.

80% of all cartoon characters carry extra weight.

It's easy to lose, though.

They need only put the anvil down.

I have no idea how to search if this joke has already been posted so I'll just go ahead... This one is especialy for Caterwauller...

An ten year old girl is trying to check out a book entitled " Advice for Young Mothers" from the local library.

Very concerned Librarian: Now why would you need to check out this particular book, dear?

Little girl: I collect moths.

quote:

Originally posted by TrossL:
...
Little girl: I collect moths.

Very nice; not a belly laugh, but one of the pleasantest chuckles I've had in weeks.

This is a particularly good example for the theory that humor consists of setting up an expectation and then confounding it -- which school I prefer, since the other one is the slipping-on-the-banana-peel school, which avers that humor is based on the enjoyment of contemplating other people in pain or embarrassment. (But note that a person walking down the sidewalk an then winding up flat on his back is also confounding the expectation that the walk would continue as it began. <bell rang -- school's out>

Phroggye

I'm glad to see TrossL back with us! Where ya been?

Little Johnny is visiting Grandma, and is out playing with the neighborhood children. He comes back to Grandma and asks, "Grandma, what's it called when two people sleep in the same room, and one is on top of the other?" Grandma blushes, and says, "Johnny, that's called sexual intercourse." Johnny runs off, then returns a short time later and says to Grandma, "Billy's mom says you're wrong, Grandma, it's called bunk beds, and she wants to talk with you NOW!'"

There, Froeschlein, that one does both!

The travel section of my newspaper contained an article about a new hotel in Frankfurt, Germany, called the Villa Kennedy. The author stated that JFK was once driven past the site in 1963.

This reminded me of a cartoon I saw recently.

Man in bar: "Hello, Sharon."
Girl (unenthusiastic): "Hello."
Man: "I went past your house last night."
Girl: "Thanks."

The little boy sitting on the park bench took a Family-Size candy bar from his large paper bag and ate it.

The middle-aged man at the other end of the bench watched in silence as the boy swallowed the last bite and reached for another candy bar.

Having quicky consumed two candy bars the boy was reaching for a third when the man said, "If you eat so much candy you'll get fat and sick and die young."

Munching his third candy bar the boy said, "My grandpa's 102 and he's slender and very healthy."

"He must have learned how to control his diet," said the man.

"No," said the little boy, "He learned to mind his own fuckin' business."

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact the titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly waiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as SINKO de MAYO.

I like that, Asa.

Actually, the official Mexican Independence Day is not the fifth of May, but (as was explained to me by a Mexican professor) it's popular in the USA to celebrate now because it's so much easier for gringos to say "Cinco de mayo" than "Dieciséis de septiembre."

strange that a Mexican professor would say such a thing... While it is true that Cinco de Mayo is not independence day, it is a significant day in Mexican history.

http://www.vivacincodemayo.org/history.htm

I wonder why we celebrate ANY foreign holiday, be it St Paddy's Day, Bastille Day, Cinco de Mayo, or something else, but then I don't celebrate ANYthing. Wellll, maybe the anniversary of Mt. St. Helens (May 18th), but that's about it.

Asa the Curmudgeon

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
His funeral services will be held on Monday.

Poor Sunflower! Where is she burying you?

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Asa Lovejoy:
A woman comes home and tells her husband,…

Great story. Can I borrow it, please???

Girl A:

"I'm thinking of getting a green car next time."

Girl B

"I think I'd prefer a blue one."

Girl A:

"No, I meant an environmentally-friendly one."

Girl B:

I don'y think the environment cares much about the colour of your car."

quote:

Originally posted by pearce:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Asa Lovejoy:
A woman comes home and tells her husband,…

Great story. Can I borrow it, please???

Dare I ask what you're planning to do with it?

quote:

Originally posted by Asa Lovejoy:
Great story. Can I borrow it, please???

Dare I ask what you're planning to do with it?[/QUOTE]

No you may not. You should know (oxymoronically) that plagiarism is manifestly secretive. But I promise I shall keep it strictly legal.

So, is it your professional diagnosis that I'm a moron of the oxy variety? And an Asian idiot is an orimoron?

Be that as it may, it's not my original story, so do with it as you will!

quote:

Originally posted by Asa Lovejoy:
Be that as it may, it's not my original story, so do with it as you will!

Thanks. I shall.

I had an affair with a shrink. It was a psychiatryst.

Old Cowboy

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Adam was talking to God in the Garden of Eden, and complained that he was feeling lonely.

"I've got just the companion for you!" said God, "She will cook for you, clean up after you, bear your children, all without a word of complaint. She'll always be your best friend, and will never have a headache. Only thing is, she'll cost you an arm and a leg."

"Hmm..." said Adam, "What have you got for just a rib?"

On the morning of the third day of their honeymoon the bridegroom is reading the TV schedules in the newspaper, but the bride, in the other room, is unaware of that.

He says: "Do you want to see Oliver Twist?"

She says: "If you make that thing do one more trick, I'm outta here."

I love it, and you posted it on my birthday, too!

This little piggie is talking to his urologist:

"I keep going wee, wee, wee all the way home!"