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500 posts and time for a Continuation thread... Originally posted by Dianthus: What are Santa's little helpers called? Subordinate Clauses. | ||
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Thanks, Hab, for restarting this thread. I think many of us know that we are not posting the "World's Funniest Joke" here, but it is a good place for some humor. Here is something that Asa sent me. However he can't seem to cut and paste on our board, so I am posting it for him. I think it is hilarious...so descriptive of the times!  Seasonal Greetings Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the solstice holiday, practiced within the traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year of 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "America" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, position on global warming, or sexual preference of the wishee. (By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.) | |||
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| <Asa Lovejoy> |
Did you hear about the occult parents whose child wasn't progressing well in school, so they bought her "Hooked on Cthonics?" | ||
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Here's another of Asa's jokes...I'd be so jokeless without Asa! 'Tis a little political, and yet so very appropriate for this board. Therefore, please don't take offense. In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your Independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up vocabulary). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you Japanese cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. | |||
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This is a truncated version of the "Revocation of Independence" letter, which has apparently evolved from one that originated in 2000. Tinman | |||
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I got this email today, and thought them quite funny: These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? __________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. | |||
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The same guy sent me another funny joke. I have tried to lure him to Wordcraft, but instead he sends me posts: You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W". COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later) ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on "START"............. | |||
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Well, I suppose you have to find out this about me sooner or later, so I might as well get it over with: I'm an inveterate punster. My latest inspiration: Q: Why should you feel flattered if a clutch of hens jumps out from behind a bush and cackles "Boo!" at you? A: Because you have just been given a pullet surprise. BTW, is there a limericks section in the neighborhood? | |||
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You should try out our first-born site, Chris Strolin's OEDILF (www.oedilf.com) - not only is it the place for limerick fans but I think, just based on your post here, that you and Chris have a lot in common sense-of-humour-wise. But of course you should also stick around here. I'd recommend the double-dactyls threads. And of course please post limericks here too. The OEDILF can be a little limiting to your creativity. "No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money." Samuel Johnson. | |||
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The most recent limericks thread is Limericks, continued, in 'The Written Word'. Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life. | |||
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| <Asa Lovejoy> |
A co-worker today stated that he'd been to a particularly pestilent Asian restaurant where he'd been served by Thai food Mary. | ||
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| <Asa Lovejoy> |
Today is Groundhog Day. Ummmm, isn't that another term for sausage? | ||
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[lithping] Your winksh is my command! 
I'm glad that you joined our conversin' The paronomasia Here will amaze ya. I've made us a place to put verse on. | |||
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| <Asa Lovejoy> |
A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon." "Who?" "Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time." "Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger. "Not Sheldon. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. He was more handsome and sophisticated than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something. Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy. He had a memory like a computer; could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out." "Wow, incredible, no wonder you remember him!" "Well, I never actually met Sheldon." "Then how do you know so much about him?" "After he died, I married his wife." | ||
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No, it's the movie adaptation of Camus's The Myth of Sisyphus . | |||
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Once I finally grasped the Camus joke, I tend to think that Bill Murray's character didn't really enjoy doing it. Groundhogs are also known as Woodchucks and Thistlepigs. | |||
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Since we are approaching St Valentine's day, here's some advice for any unattached lady wordcrafters:
Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life. | |||
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Eventually he did. He learned to play the piano, caught the kid falling from the tree, fixed the ladies' flat tire, etc. | |||
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| <Asa Lovejoy> |
Neveu reminds me of the time I dated a woman with an "Olive Oyl" figure. She was a very athletic type, and an expert in martial arts. One day some gang members mugged someone within sight of us, so she slipped off her size 1/2A bra, filled the cups with rocks, spun it over her head, and let fly. WHACK!!! The muggers went down, both rocks hitting them in their heads. We called the police, then she strolled over to the two fallen felons, and said, "It's not over 'till the flat lady slings!" | ||
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| <Asa Lovejoy> |
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that there's too much irony in posting "Thou Shalt Not Steal", Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. | ||
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My contribution: 137. Don't get it? OK, then see my next post. David | |||
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The California penal system is so big that they have specialized prisons, not just for women & men, but for occupational categories. There's one in Burbank where all the felonious comedians, stand-ups, joke writers, etc. are incinerate-- er, incarcerated. So, this young comic was brought in to do his double nickel for impersonating Rodney Dangerfield without a license. In his cell, he listens to the intercellular chatter, and it's pretty strange: among the normal talk, someone will say a number, "385" say, and then there'll be a greater or lesser degree of laughter and/or applause. He asks his cellmate what's going on, and he explains that these guys, being pros, know all the jokes there are, and so with all the time on their hands, they assigned each of them a number, so that, for convenience's sake, you just have to say the number of the joke you want to "tell". The newbie thinks this over and decides to try to take part. He doesn't know the numbering system, so he just randomly says "93". Dead silence. "I guess that wasn't a very funny joke", he said to his cellmate, who responded "No, the joke's hilarious, but your delivery sucked!" David | |||
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| <Asa Lovejoy> |
Three Redneck electricians were working on a power transmission tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." An hour later, he comes back carrying a case of beer. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" "Well not exactly," Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Steve's widow'." She said, "No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "I'll bet you a case of beer you are." | ||
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| <Asa Lovejoy> |
The Guys’ Rules. We always hear “The Rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules. Please note these are all numbered “1”. This is done ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are not mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl now, if it’s up put it down. We need it up; you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports, it’s like the full moon or the changing tides. Let it be! 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail! Don’t do it! 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just ask for it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months IS a problem. See a Doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us! 1. If something we said could be interpreted two ways and, one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both! If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. All men see in 16 colors only, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. | ||
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Well, Sunflower, you've been warned. Tinman | |||
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| <Asa Lovejoy> |
My last act of independence... | ||
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This is actually a true story (at least as reported on NPR): A man sees a policeman and asks him if he is one of those policemen who dabbles in drugs. The policeman said yes, so the drug dealer brought him all sorts of illegal drugs. Of course, he was arrested on the spot.  | |||
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| <Asa Lovejoy> |
Comment culled from the web: It's bad luck to be superstitious. | ||
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| <Asa Lovejoy> |
For several weeks I've been participating in a benign prostate hyperplasia medication study. Poor urine flow is a typical symptom of BPH. The study's evaluation sheet is called the International Prostate Symptom Score (I-PSS). Just try to pronounce I-PSS without laughing!!! | ||
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I'm NOT superstitious .... I just think it doesn't pay to take chances. | |||
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| <Asa Lovejoy> |
What retired people do…. Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into town, and went to a shop in theHigh street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving an OAP a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a As**Ho*e. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So I called him a F*****g mongrel. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't give a sod. I came into town by bus. However, I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age | ||
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Two women meet again for the first time some fifty years after leaving college. One says to the other,
"Yes, indeed. My first husband was a millionaire; the second an actor; the next was a priest; I'm now married to an undertaker." "How was that planned?" "Well, it's one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go." Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life. | |||
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. "What's it tell you, Tonto?" "You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent." | |||
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| <Asa Lovejoy> |
Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic. "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?" "Yeah." "Then logically because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife." "Yes, I do have a wife." "And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater." Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic. "Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?" Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?" "No." "Then you're a queer." | ||
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| <Asa Lovejoy> |
Sent to me by a lawyer (Not Shufitz) Newspaper Readers' Guide 1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. 2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country. 3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles. 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts. 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country - if they could find the time, and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it. 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much. 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train. 8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated. 9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores. 10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are not Republicans. 11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store. | ||
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George W Bush and Tony Blair are at a meeting. Dubya turns to Tony and says,
"Well, to be a kingdom you have to have a king as head of state. I don't really see you as a king..." "What about a principality?" "You should have a prince. I don't see you as a prince..." "A duchy?" "I don't see you as a duke... Look, I think your country is doing OK as it is." Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life. | |||
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Now that was good! | |||
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somebody help me out here. I don't get the joke... | |||
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Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life. | |||
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I don't either. It seems to be a wordplay on a descending sequence, but I don't know what's below "duke", if that's where the point is headed. | |||
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The old man's hearing handicap was so severe that he could understand nobody's speech except his wife's, so she went along for his physical exam. When the doctor said, "I'll need specimens of your urine, feces, and semen," the patient turned to his wife and yelled, "What'd he say?" Quoth his wife, "He wants your shorts." | |||
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Arnie, could you please explain for us mere mortals? | |||
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Probably the joke is best spoken... It's never good if you have to explain a joke. Kingdom ... king Principality ... prince Duchy ... duke Country ... (note pronunciation) <sigh> Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life. | |||
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| <Asa Lovejoy> |
Here's a probably apocryphal list of airline pilot's comlaints, followed by the maintenance mechanic's comments: P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and get serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget hammering on something. S: Took hammer away from midget. | ||
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| <Asa Lovejoy> |
Re arnie's joke, I thought it operated on two levels. The pun on "country," and the idea that were doing OK as-is. The latter isn't funny ha-ha, but fully pathetic. Asa the anti-messianic curmudgeon | ||
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Ah, the Universal nature of some jokes just shines through. When I first heard arnie's country joke some years ago it was about the queen meeting the prime minister of Australia. Anyway, for what it's worth here is my favourite universally adaptable joke as I first heard it from a police sergeant I was working with. -------------------------------------------- Doctor Frankenstein had finished building his monster with everything in place except for the brain. He called Igor and said "Igor, go out and find me a brain." Igor pondered for a minute and said "How much do you want to pay?" The good Doctor asked him what he meant. "Well," said Igor, "I can get you the brain of a constable, that'll cost you a pound an ounce. Or I can get you the brain of a sergeant. That'll cost you five pounds an ounce. Or I can get you the brain of a Chief Inspector. That's five hundred pounds an ounce." "Five hundred pounds!" exclaimed Frankenstein. "Good grief, why is it so expensive?" "Do you have any idea" Igor said, "How many Chief Inspectors I have to kill to get an ounce?" ----------------------------------------- I've subsequently heard it applied in an insurance context to clerks, underwriters and Lloyds underwriters: in a sports context to Wolves fans, Walsall fans and West Bromwich Albion fans: in a pub context to spirits drinkers, ale drinkers and lager drinkers. Feel free to use and adapt to any group you wish to insult. "No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money." Samuel Johnson. | |||
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| <Asa Lovejoy> |
A steam locomotive passing through Poland one night was running low on coal. The engineer said to his fireman, "We're coming to a town, let's stop and send the porter out to get more coal. Can you see the name of the town on the depot sign?" The fireman replied, "It appears to be Danzig in the dark." And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!" | ||
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| <Asa Lovejoy> |
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a Local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now." | ||
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| Member |
Oh...heck...I'll admit it. I thought I got it, but after Arnie's explanation, I realize I hadn't. Shu had asked me to explain it to him, and I thought it was funny because Blair went through all those levels of royalty before realizing that Bush, the cowboy, just couldn't be considered royalty. I laughed, even though I really didn't get it. Does that count?  | |||
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