The Night Before Christmas, a poem well known,
Has inspired many take-offs, though none of my own.
The original, which you can find in this link ,
Is a gateway to much wit and humor, I'd think,
And now, in the spirit of holiday cheer
It is fit to regale you with parodies here.
Martin Gardner, in course of his years of excursions,
Collected and published quite numberous versions,
Some somewhat serious, some written gaily.
I'll attempt to provide you the best of them daily.
The Knight Before Christmas, by Corrine Rockwell Swain
The knight, before Christmas, observed to his spouse,
"I'm charmed with the service, all over the house!
The cook offers daily my favorite dishes;
The butler's a wonder at guessing my wishes;
The steward's all ginger, in spite of his years;
Wherever I glance, a retainer appears.
My barber excels in his deftness and speed;
The groom puts a satiny gloss on my steed;
My armor is scoured till it dazzles my sight.
My sword and my spear are abnormally bright.
The sentinels never are guilty of naps;
My varlets are constantly doffing their caps.
Dear Mother-in-law has abandoned her rages;
My squire alertly turns down the fresh pages.
Nurse Margery curtsies, the kitchen-wench bows;
The rustics raise marvelous porkers and cows.
My minstrel's loud carols resound with my fame;
The jester's quaint stories are never the same.
It's pleasant to note though the date is but recent)
Our people all acting so awfully decent!
This shows us, my dear, that with common accord,
They're happy to serve so distinguished a lord."
But his lady replied, with a smile on her lips,
"The season approaches for holiday tips,
And your motto is plain, if you read it aright:
'Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good knight!'"
From a mimeoed copy from 1994 (Anonymous), which I've edited for typos and meter:
`’Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Everybody felt shitty, including the mouse.
Mom’s at the cathouse, while Dad’s smoking grass
And I just settled down for a nice piece of ass
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my piece to see what was the matter.
And I heard on the roof a scream and a splat
As a sleigh pulled by reindeer ran over my cat.
Down the chimney he came like a bat out of hell
And I knew right away that the fat asshole fell.
Standing and swaying he caused mr to think
This guy is well-lit from an evening of drink.
He filled all the stockings with pretzels and beer
And a huge rubber dick for my brother the queer.
Then placing a finger inside of his nose
He wiped off a booger upon his red clothes.
Up the chimney he rose with a thunderous fart
And the SOB blew the damn chimney apart.
And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight
“I’ll be screwing your Mom at the whorehouse tonight!”
Some interesting versions. It is good to see both of you back.
Here are some more.