There once was a Curate from Kew
Who preached with his vestments askew;
A lady called Morgan
Caught sight of his organ,
And promptly passed out in the pew.

quote:

---

Originally posted by LadyBeth:
There once was a Curate from Kew
Who preached with his vestments askew;
A lady called Morgan
Caught sight of his organ,
And promptly passed out in the pew.

---

Well, Morgan, no wonder you're so interested in Englishmen!

Tinman

May I make the suggestion that, instead of just any old 5-line AABBA poetry, we devote this thread to original limericks based on each other? We already have the Morgan/organ piece to start us off and so may I add:

The British Wordcrafter R.E.
Imbibes British beers frequently.
'Tween tongue and inscisor
Will pass no Budweiser,
And I, for one, don't disagree.

No mean-spiritedness (meaning I promise not to get nasty)
No scoring
No standings
No wagering

So, whadja say??

Museamuse, dear, just where are you hiding?
You're not posting, are you somewhere deciding
On some more thrilling way
To be passing the day,
Like seducing a man while hang gliding?


Is this going to be yet another idea that I suggest that goes nowhere?? I'm starting to get a complex!

What about it, R.E.?? You've told us on a few occasions that you're fairly handy with this 5-line form of verse!

Two more questions: Kalleh, how do you pronounce your name? KAY-la? KAH-la? And G.N., is it GRAM NICE or GRAY-um NICE?


If this thread doesn't start to generate some interest pretty soon I'm going to alter it to suggest you all submit original oral sex limericks. Then just watch it take off!!

.

[This message was edited by TrossL on Thu Jun 5th, 2003 at 7:22.]

It's true, said Kalleh, what they say
about beer in the U S of A.
I once drunk Budweiser
(now I'm sadder but wiser)
and stick to those beers marked "UK"

Richard English

CJ, don't get a complex. Some people, like me, love to read limericks--but are no good at writing them. And, I pronounce it with a Chicago accent Ka (as in "can") La.

quote:

---

Originally posted by TrossL:
He had pillows from the floor to the ceiling...

---

Very good, Lisa! You've done yourself proud.

By way of explanation to the rest of the crew, Lisa and I first met when I was stationed in Germany where I had filled one entire room of my home with throw pillows. Nothing else, just pillows. There were maybe 400 of them, all shapes, sizes, and colors, in a small bedroom to a depth of about three feet. (I later moved them to a smaller room and they piled up a couple of feet higher.)

It was a fun room and we had more than a few theatre parties there. (I was and remain a "theatre person" - big surprise, right?) It was interesting to play "Mole" in that room. No rules, no goals - Just a bunch of people burrowing through 400 pillows.

When I was transfered to Illinois, I was introduced to a Chinese woman, very newly arrived in the states, by a relative who asked if I would help introduce her to American culture. When she saw my pillow room, she asked if all American homes had one and, of course, with a straight face I said yes.

The eggnog reference involves booze which is covered adequately elsewhere.

Ah, the good ol' days!

quote:

---

Originally posted by Richard English:

I'll rise to the challenge.

It's true, said Kalleh, what they say
about beer in the U S of A.
I once drunk Budweiser
(now I'm sadder but wiser)
and stick to those beers marked "UK"

Richard English

---

Hmmm... Well, yes R.E., you rose, but not very high.

I'll overlook the lack of capitalization of the first words in lines and the lack of commas at the end where they would have been appropriate. No biggie, really.

Some people would be appalled at the supposed rhyme of "Budweiser" with "wiser" since, strictly speaking, homophones are not rhymes. "Dog" isn't a rhyme for "dog," is it? My main objection would be the use of "sadder Budweiser/but wiser" line which I pray you are not going to claim as original.

And the addition of "now" after "and" in the last line would make the limerick more coherent without losing the meter.

All in all, not a bad first effort, but still...


And Kalleh, do I understand you correctly in that your name sounds the same as the first two syllables of "California"? If so:

Shufitz was planning a gala
For his bride, the remarkable Kalleh,
With a "Heaven"-ly theme,
Carried to an extreme.
A dining and dancing Valhalla!


See, Richard?

(heh, heh, heh)

quote:

---

Originally posted by TrossL:
limerick for chris

He had pillows from the floor to the ceiling
You'd dive in, your drunk senses reeling
You'd throw him a pass
He'd miss it, dumb ass!
Too much eggnog, so how are you feeling?

---

Chris bypassed his chance at a unity?
Passed out – and passed up opportunity?
To fumble a pass
From a passionate lass
Is not just being passive – it's lunacy.

.

[This message was edited by TrossL on Thu Jun 5th, 2003 at 7:22.]

I do not agree.

I consider that capitals belong at the begining of sentences and proper nouns. I do not put capitals at the begining of the lines of poems unless they are new sentences. Neither woould I use a comma, full stop or any other mark unless it would have been equally appropriate had the item been prose.

Now I re-read it I see that there was one punctuation error. I should have put a full stop (or an exclamation mark) at the end of the final line.

CJ. As regards your limerick, good though it is, I consider the puntuation to be quite wrong.

A comma before a capital letter? A phrase ending with a full stop (where a semi-colon should rightfully be?

And your criticism of my rhyming "Budweiser" and "But Wiser" is a bit rich when I read your own rhyme of "Kalleh" with "Valhalla"!

"Could do better were he to spend less time smoking marijuana and more time drinking Real Ale"

Richard English

You guys are a hoot. Your repartee brings such a smile to my day.

This should make clear my position On the issue of rhyming "Budweiser" with "but wiser". I'm with you, Richard; has CJ gone illiberal on us?

It's not too difficult to compose a Limerick even one which incorporates the name of a given person.

It is, though, rather more difficult to make that Limerick appropriate to that person or even to allow it to make a particular learning point.

I would like to see Limericks that actually relate to a person's characteristics as well as his or her name.

Richard English

Well, yes, sometimes I'm an advocate of a strict adherence to rules, illiberal as that may seem. For example, people who insist on calling any piece of bawdy rhyming trash a limerick, regardless of meter or rhyme scheme, need to be slapped.

R.E., I have NEVER in my life seen a limerick that did not have the first word of each line capitalized. If your limerick were in prose form, of course the capitalization would be correct. I surfed the web a bit to try to find some rulesrulesrules on the subject but came up empty. (And, Hic, your site brought me to a blank page for some reason.)

Regarding my criticism of your "Budweiser/but wiser" rhyme, my comment was that it has been done before almost (but, admitedly, not quite) to the point of being hackneyed. When did you ever see a "Kalleh/Valhalla" rhyme before? And further, to pat myself on the back a bit, what else rhymes with "Kalleh" but "gala" and "Valhalla"? Given this limitation, I give the effort a B+.

Something else I rarely see with limericks are titles but I enjoy them so, without further ado, allow me to present:


Heh, Heh, Heh!

Allow me to state in my wry way,
Please don't disagree with what I say.
Who's wrong and who's right
Shouldn't cause us to fight.
R.E., when in doubt, do it my way!


With this effort, which I modestly award an A+, I hereby claim the title of "Wordcrafter King of Limericks" and challenge all comers! HA!!

(C'mon! C'mon! Pudem-up! Pudem-up!)

(unrelated side challenge - Who is the above an impression of?)

quote:

---

(C'mon! C'mon! Pudem-up! Pudem-up!)

(unrelated side challenge - Who is the above an impression of?)

---

Oh come on. Make them a bit of a challenge. I can't even be bothered to private topic a reply to this one !

Purgamentum init, exit purgamentum

Read all about my travels around the world here.

quote:

---

Chris bypassed his chance at a unity?
Passed out – and passed up opportunity?
To fumble a pass
From a passionate lass
Is not just being passive – it's lunacy.

---

Hmmm...

Well, it's about me, so I give it points for that...

But the last line. "unity/opportunity/lunacy"?? Gee... Close but no cigar.

Change the last line to "The European Economic Community" and you improve the rhyme considerably. Sadly though, even though the room in question was in Germany, the sense conveyed by the limerick suffers more than just a bit.

Allow me to take the appallingly audacious liberty of rewriting your work as:


Well, For One Thing, She was Married at the Time

Chris bypassed his chance at a unity,
Passed out - and passed up opportunity.
Though that passionate lass
Was worth more than a pass,
One can't screw friends' wives with impunity!


There! That rates an A for the joint effort and a big smoochy kiss for Lisa for being the inspiration.

Long Live the King!!

quote:

---

Oh come on. Make them a bit of a challenge. I can't even be bothered to private topic a reply to this one !

---

I felt bad about snidely (though, I'm sure, correctly) opining that R.E. would never get the "antici... ...pation!" reference that I thought I'd toss out an admitedly easier one more from his generation.

How 'bout it, R.E.?

.

[This message was edited by TrossL on Thu Jun 5th, 2003 at 7:23.]

Regarding:
Chris bypassed his chance at a unity?
Passed out – and passed up opportunity?
To fumble a pass
From a passionate lass
Is not just being passive – it's lunacy.

TrossL's reaction: "I loved it, absolutely, I'm giggling", etc.
Chris's reaction: "Allow me to take the appallingly audacious liberty of rewriting ... That rates an A for the joint effort and a big smoochy kiss for Lisa."

Sorry, Chris, the lady has pronounced her judgement. The kiss is hic's prize, not yours.

Dear CJ: You claim to be King of the Limerick, the Limericus Rex?

The excuse CJ gives is complex,
But the truth of it shouldn't perplex.
It wasn't was compunction,
But rather, disfunction:
De minimis, non curat Rex.

Forget about CJ, dear TrossL:
Only his ego's collossL.
When you can be had
By a lusty young lad,
Who needs a shriveled old fossL?

I have seen plenty of poems (including Limericks) whose initial line letters are not capitalised and others where they are. As I have said many times before, the fact that many people do a thing does not mean that it is right; it might simply be a common error. (cf. it's instead of its)

There are many references that give information about the rules of capitalisation and not one that I have seen suggests that poems are an exception to those rules.

Try: http://dictionary.reference.com/help/faq/language/c/capitalization.html as a good start.

Some poetry references do suggest that the normal rules CAN be broken for poetic use but none that I have found suggests that they MUST be.

I far prefer to use proper punctuation (and capitalisation) since the spurious use of capitals can lead to an incorrect stress being placed on the initial word of each line - which it might not need.

Remember, in any rhyming poem the rhyme itself is a form of stress and it is thus usually wrong, when reading poetry, to stress the last word of any line. Read it as properly punctuated prose and the stress will work itself out.

Richard English

.

[This message was edited by TrossL on Thu Jun 5th, 2003 at 7:23.]

I know a fine fellow named Richard
Who drinks Hog's Back beer by the pitcher.
Fuller's one eight four five
Makes the lad come alive!
But minging Budweiser? A bitch, sir!

As I said, I am not much of a limerick writer, but I had to join in on the fun! I am ready for my lashing by CJ!

Very good use of words, especially our new "minging" discovery. I still think it would read better if you were only to capitalise the initial words of each sentence - not each line. Try it and read it.

One thing I would like to know - what is the capacity of a pitcher? It's not common over here except amongst students drinking chemical fizz (I know that because it's advertised on the boards of some pubs.

All proper beer drinkers in England drink pints (one Imperial Pint equals 1.201 US liquid pints)

Richard English

And Kalleh your manners are charming
and your modesty rather disarming.
But the way you've embraced
the English beer taste -
Budweiser should find most alarming.

Richard English

quote:

---

Originally posted by Kalleh:
I know a fine fellow named Richard
Who drinks Hog's Back beer by the pitcher.
Fuller's one eight four five
Makes the lad come alive!
But minging Budweiser? A bitch, sir!

As I said, I am not much of a limerick writer, but I had to join in on the fun! I am ready for my lashing by CJ!

---

Along with fine beers, the British in general and mature British gentlemen in particular have somewhat a reputation for enjoying what I believe is known as "a good birching" from time to time. This has nothing to do with Birch Beer and if, as you say, you are ready for your lashing, I can't help but fear that R.E.'s influence over your tastes is growing unreasonably strong. Still, of course, to each his or her own...

Anywho, no lashing from me this time around since your limerick rates a solid "B" in my royal opinion. The "pitcher/a bitch sir" rhyme was strong but points were lost since both are only close rhymes to "Richard." I agree with R.E. that you get extra credit for using newly acquired vocab with "minging" and "Fuller's one eight four five." (What was that last one, a play of some kind?)

Holding on to the strongest aspect of your piece (the line 2 & 5 rhyme) possibly you might consider:

I married for poorer or richer
And now drink Hog's Back Beer by the pitcher
Fuller's one eight four five
Makes Shufitz come alive,
But minging Budweiser, a bitch sir!

Granted, you lose Richard by this route but, by way of recompense, you include hubby in your piece thereby throwing him off the scent if, in fact, you do have some sort of trans-Atlantic S&M hanky-panky going on with R.E.

The King has spoken.

[This message was edited by C J Strolin on Thu Feb 6th, 2003 at 15:25.]

quote:

---

Originally posted by Richard English:
And Kalleh your manners are charming
and your modesty rather disarming.
But the way you've embraced
the English beer taste -
Budweiser should find most alarming.

Richard English

---

Much improved, R.E. though you still need to work on punctuation. I'll accept your non-capitalization of first words in a line (accept as your own quirk, I mean, not necessarily as being correct) though commas following "Kalleh" and "charming" would have been improvements. Some points off since the point you make is patently incorrect. I sincerely doubt Kalleh's newly acquired tastes have caused even the slightest blip on Budweiser's radar. The second line could have been "Your modesty's rather disarming" which would have avoided the repetition of "and" as a first word twice in a row, but no major biggie. Then again, what does her modesty have to do with her taste in beer?

Overall a fine and adequate work. B-.


And one other (non-limerick related) thing. Your verbal courtship of Kalleh is both sweet and endearing but maybe you missed a significant post of a few weeks ago? Shufitz was revealed to be Kalleh's husband and, regular that he is, he probably reads most of your posts. Granted, you and I are ocassionally at odds but, still, I'd hate to see something like "Love Rat R.E.'s Severed Head Found After Rolls Royce Orgy" splashed across the tabloids. Just a friendly "heads up," as it were.


The King has spoken.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Hic et ubique:
Dear CJ: __You__ claim to be King of the Limerick, the _Limericus Rex?_

The excuse CJ gives is complex,
But the truth of it shouldn't perplex.
It wasn't was compunction,
But rather, disfunction:
http://www.sacklunch.net/Latin/D/deminimisnoncuratlex.html.

Forget about CJ, dear TrossL:
Only his _ego_'s collossL.
When you can be had
By a lusty young lad,
Who needs a shriveled old fossL?

---

Yes, H., I am indeed the Limericus Rex although it is quite obvious that it is you who are my Mordred (although, I trust, not so evilly so).

My goodness, this one's a cracker! First off, it's a double limerick which some would say is either against the rules or shows that you were unable to convey all you wanted to in just five lines. Others would claim your effort represents two separate limericks. In both cases, I'm with you 100%!

Points could have been taken off for the first punchline being a Latin phrase that most of us (myself, admitedly, included) were unfamiliar with BUT your handy weblink both erased these negative points and added a few positive ones for helping us all enrich our vocabularies. The point you make is, of course, incorrect but as your wise and benevolent King, this is seen as an opinion and therefore acceptable. We understand these things.

And the second half rhymes? Exquisite!! Coining new spellings for just the correct words to mirror "TrossL" was first rate. Well done, H.! How sad that after such an exemplary first 90%, the very last line's meter is slightly off. Had this been the case with, say, R.E.'s effort, I might not have even noted it but with your first nine lines being so praise-worthy, the tenth stands out as a misstep. "Why bother with shriveled old fossLs?" would have expressed your meaning with a better beat. If you insist on maintaining perfection in the rhymes of lines 6, 7, and 10, you could lose the S in "fossLs" and add a slight hiccup with "Why bother with a shriveled old fossL?" and still carry it off.

In any case, well done, Hic! A solid "A."


The King has spoken.

quote:

---

Originally posted by wordnerd:
Sorry, Chris, the lady has pronounced her judgement. The kiss is hic's prize, not yours.

---

I can see right now that I'm going to be spending entirely altogether too much time with this thread. Ah, well. Heavy is the head which wears the crown.

I do believe that the prize you refer to, wordnerd, is still very much up in the air. The fact that Lisa is a friend from years past combined with the obvious liberties to which a King may be entitled seem to
grant me an overwhelming advantage in this issue. Yet I am not an overbearing monarch. Our past association makes me reluctant to score TrossL's limerick (aside to point out the overabundance of syllables in the first line) for fear of creating unrest among the rest of my subjects due to unfounded rumors of favoritism.

And anyway, where's your limerick?


The King has spoken.

Quoth CJ: "Where's your limerick?"

It has been said that women dislike most limericks for the same reason cows dislike slaughterhouses -- it's where they are sliced and diced. However, I know of two limericks which the women seem to enjoy. TrossL's story suggests that the first of them, British in tone, would be appropriate for CJ.

quote:

---

"For the fifth time, dear Daphne," said Chloe,
"You have told me my bosom is 'snowy'.
You have written much verse on
Each part of my person.
No do something. There's a good boy."

---

However, it does not appear that CJ even rose to the point at which the second such limerick would be apt.

I'm exhausted! My backside is sore!
I simply can't take any more!
I'm covered with sweat,
And you haven't come yet.
And look at the time! Half past four!

Of course, CJ will of course point out that the above are not original creations. So ...

Chris's next shot I'll anticipate:
Why should I need to participate
In slinging manure?
Your caught on Hic's skewer.
Face it: You failed as a dissipate.

In fact, I disagree with almost all of your criticisms.

If you can cite just one reference that suggests that the first word of all lines of a poem must be capitalised then I'll agree that not to do so is my idiosyncracy. I have quoted a respected reference that supports my contention; now you do the same!

I accept that a comma after Kalleh might be an improvement, although it's not essential. After "charming" it would be wrong.

To omit the second "and" would have removed a syllable and the line would not have scanned properly. I submit that scansion is especially important in Limericks.

I did not say that AB would find Kalleh's change in taste alarming, I said they should. There's a big difference.

Finally, the connection is not between Kalleh's modesty and taste in beer - it is between her modesty and the spirit that drives her to change her thoughts on beer.

Richard English

Regarding capitalisation, I have just one thing to say:

e. e. cummings

quote:

---

Originally posted by wordnerd:

It has been said that women dislike most limericks

---

Then I am most definately not like most women. I love limericks although double dactyls are my favorites.

Oh TrossL I do agree with you! I am so glad you have decided to join us.
One of my favorites (though not my most favorite) is by good old Ogden:

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, "let us flee!"
"Let us fly!" said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

Way back in this quite popular thread Richard asked about the capacity of a pitcher of beer: a half pitcher is 32 ounces and a full pitcher is 64 ounces. Pitchers are available in pizza parlors and usually only contain minging beers. For obvious reasons there are also pitchers of beer in bars on college campuses.

Having checked the equivalents (thank you convert-me) I see that a pitcher (which I had assumed to have been a large quantity) is a mere 3.3 Imperial pints!

Goodness me - that's hardly enough to wash off the dust!

I had four pints of Harvey's Armada (4.5% ABV) in my local just last night!

Richard English

Four pints? You must have been very happy!

Okay, folks, as Morgan would say, "drumroll"......here's my all-time favorite limerick (perhaps a bit risque ):
To his bride said the lynx-eyed detective,
"Could it be that my eyesight's defective?
Has your east tit the least bit
The best of the west tit?
Or is it a trick of perspective?"

[This message was edited by Kalleh on Wed Feb 12th, 2003 at 7:27.]

Just pleasantly comfortable.

And of course, because it's Real Ale, I woke this morning without a trace of a hangover and was up and at it by 0730.

Tonight I'm going to a school reunion and confidently expect to down at least another four pints - and maybe a glass or two of Scotch after the meal. In fact, it's easy for me as I live less than a mile from the place - although we have people turn up from all over the world.

Richard English

I enjoy the wordplay and multiple rhymes of the best Limericks. Here's one I like:

The was a young lady from Ryde
who ate some green apples and died.
The apples fermented
inside the lamented -
making cider inside her inside.

Richard English

Could this simply be because the line, "There was a young lady from..." fits so well into the Limserick scansion?

If you choose to use this form, the challenge is, of course, to keep the reader in suspense since the ending can so easily be "telegraphed" by the final word of the first line.

The writer of the following thus deserves credit for so doing:

There was a young girl from Madras
who had a magnificent ass.
No, it's not what you think
sort of rounded and pink -
this was grey, had four legs and ate grass!

Or this:

There was a young lady from Bude
who liked to parade in the nude.
Much notice was taken
and unless I'm mistaken
you thought the last line would be rude.

Richard English

OK, as everyone seems to be playing I'll add a couple.

To CJ's Quixote we've RE's Sancho Panza
Swapping limericks in which every stanza
Is minutely dissected
Criticised and corrected:-
The result is quite an extravaganza

RE, on the subject of beers
On the board is lacking in peers
He is archetypal
Kalleh's his disciple
But they're boring poor CJ to tears

For the depth of research that he brings
On all weird and wonderful things
He surely should win an
Award, so for Tinman
"All hail" king of Googling kings

And one that isn't an original but is a favourite (I might have it slightly wrong, I've reconstructed it from memory)

Cassanova for all his offences
Found that when justice commences
It's too late to be proud
That it's cried aloud
"The fellow's well hung - in both senses"

Purgamentum init, exit purgamentum

Read all about my travels around the world here.

quote:

---

Originally posted by wordnerd:
Chris's next shot I'll anticipate:
Why should I need to participate
In slinging manure?
Your caught on Hic's skewer.
Face it: You failed as a dissipate.

---

Ver good first effort, W. Minor points off for the "your/you're" gaffe but the "manure/skewer" rhyme is a goodie. Homonyms always seem more enjoyable if the spellings are not identical. But as to text, 1. I don't see myself as caught on Hic's skewer (though I anxiously await his next assault) and 2. Why am I getting no credit for maintaining a higher moral ground by not romping with married (at the time) women? Not to brag but my dissapation levels rose dramatically after I left Germany.

Still, you rate a "B+." (Your King is feeling generous today.)


And R.E., to answer your points:
No, you're mistaken,
No, I don't think so,
Yes, alright, I don't think it matters,
No, sorry, you're mistaken again.

Regarding a source, I am your Limerick King. My word should be more than sufficient!


The King has spoken.

Sorry B.H., no time to give you a proper review. With one foot out the door at the moment, there's just enough time for:


I Blame Cable TV

Wordnerd overheard last June third,
A dirty jaybird. How absurd!
It murmured a word
Wordnerd never had heard,
Then the bird flew away undeterred.

and

If, On the Other Hand, You Look Like a Complete Tart,
Don't Tell Me - I Don't Want to Know.

We don't have a picture of Sarah
But I see her in gown and tiara.
A statuesque blonde,
Never overly fond
Of lipstick or rouge or mascara.

This thread is too fun to avoid--even for those of us who are "limerick-challenged".

Logomaniacal Asa
Boasts an amazing cabeza.
He peppers with words,
Is dapper with girls.
But, he loathes the talk of cerveza.

Ah, one more:

The first Brit on this board was arnie.
His posts are superb--no blarney!
An apostrophe teacher,
Use of "moot" preacher.
But, finding him wrong? Foolhardy!

For those of you who have joined us recently, I spent months trying to find arnie wrong in something--to no avail. I have finally decided that he is infallible!

I THINK the following two are original, but maybe not. Have you seen them elsewhere?

The cadaver of swimmer McCall
Was found in the spring in the fall.
"What a horrible thing!
"Had he drowned in the spring?"
No, the truth is, he died in the fall.

A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot
Said the two to the tutor
"Is it cuter to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?"

I desperately need help with the following item.

All I have created so far is the middle. Who can help with Lines Number One, Two, and Five?

* ** *** ***** ********
* ** *** ***** ********
He spoke patois and cant
Both extinct and extant
* ** *** ***** ********

Thanks !!

~~~ jerry

This message has been edited. Last edited by: jerry thomas,

Oh, Jerry! So nice to see you posting! I'm sorry, dear, but I am no good at limericks as you can see by my lack of posts in this thread.

That polyglot curate from Kew's
Stricken speechless at hearing the news
He speaks patois and cant
Both extinct and extant
But in this case he'll choose to recluse.