This one, just now poppped into my head, is too good to be unshared. Besides, the previous Swifties-thread had grown entirely too long.

"My wife and I prefer urban living," said Tom insidiously.

"Whipping is too good for you," said Tom, snidely.

"Whatever your ailment, I have the remedy," said Dr. Tom, ill-prepared.

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"Despite my huge chest wound, I think I can continue the fight," said Tom, half-heartedly.

"Like it or not, you're joining the crew on my ship!" said Tom impressively...

"Someone stole my valuable baseball card featuring the Babe," said Tom ruthlessly.