Kalleh, we're all lQQking forward to the forthcoming publication of your book, "Blonde, Like Me."
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood
in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have
GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. "Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Jerry, I will start that as soon as I finish my current book, entitled, "Ohrwurm Dactylitis: Etiology and Management".
The study of the causes of diseases.
Non curo ! Si metrum no habet, non est poema.
Read all about my travels around the world here.
Read even more of my travel writing and poems on my weblog.
"...the study of the causes of diseases"
but when used as Kalleh did it means the cause of a particular disease, period, and the "study of" part goes by the wayside. So for "etiology" simply read "cause."
Thank you! I should have checked it out myself, but I knew one of you handsome gents would come to my aid!
I have no quarrel with Etiology,but "Dactylitis" brings to mind a sore finger, while "Double-Dactylosis" would seem to be the more precisely accurate label for this contextual, contagious, not to say ubiquitous, condition.
Three old ornery grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old man walked by, and one of the grandmas said, "We bet we can tell how old you are."
The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it."
One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Drop your pants!"
The old grandmas stared at him for a while and then they all piped up and said in unison, "You're 84 years old!"
The old man was stunned. "Amazing. How did you guess that?"
The ornery old grandmas, laughing and slapping their knees, said, "You told us yesterday."
FROM: bin Laden, OsamaTO: All Al Qaeda Fighters
SUBJECT: The Cave
*** Do not distribute outside the Organization. ***
We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a Jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rotation. Have you??
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the s**t out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing that "Wassup" thing. Thanks.
Third: Food. I bought some Kraft Singles recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the package, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two slices of cheese were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Fourth, I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy, Ossy, Ossy, Oy, Oy, Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.
Five: Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F***S DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.
Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that "the chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain" will not be accepted in the future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)
Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.
Love you lots,
PS - I'm sick of having "Osama Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.
[This message was edited by LadyBeth on Sat May 17th, 2003 at 7:20.]
A lady walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
The pharmacist says "Ma'am, what do you plan to use it for?"
The lady says, "To kill my husband".
The pharmacist says, "Madam, you surely must know that I cannot sell arsenic for that purpose."
The lady reaches into her purse and extracts a photograph of a man and woman in a compromising act. She shows it to the
pharmacist. The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist exams the photo. "Oh," he says, "I didn't realize you had a prescription."
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Secola Antonio, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Secola was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Secola was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of bishop, archbishop and finally cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would either be one of the two who would become the next pope.In time the pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular were surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected pope! Secola Antonio was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Secola knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?" After a long silence, an old cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called "Pope Secola."
I wonder, based on "random" choice of names, have you perhaps read Erich Segal's book Acts of Faith?
Men often find breaking up with a woman the most difficult part of the dating process.
The closest they ever come to telling a woman it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week."
But there is now a great new way to break up with a woman. It's safe, it's affordable and the best thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you. It's at your fingertips right now: E-mail. That's how all the happening, 2000's kind of guys are telling women they are not worthy.
You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it.
What could be more painless?
The following is an email rejection letter:Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice.
The text of the letter follows:
Dear (her name),
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name).
As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavours, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition: (men will check those that apply)
_____Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.
______Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position.
______You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
______The only question you did ask was how much money I make.
______You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.
______My breasts are bigger than yours.
______Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
______Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
______The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.
______Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
______Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.
______I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Ahh, Young Love!
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in
handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said, "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had answers to every question the father raised. Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're likely to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that too", the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it."
[This message was edited by LadyBeth on Mon Jun 2nd, 2003 at 16:14.]
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00,they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the USSR decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
The French, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of wine, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and calls his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson, I wanna you lisin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But, grandpa," said the grandson, "I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead."
"You lisina me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino. "Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whaddya do you do thana? Point to you watch and say TIMES UP!?"
Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"
An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri State line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in.
The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Might as well take me on to jail, there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...
-- from the Internet
A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I am staying right here!" The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting w hen they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm Sorry ." and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her, First Class isn't going to Houston."
Top marks go to the government agency in
Scunthorpe, England, who updated their email system to use a filter which filtered out any emails containing profanity or obscene language of any kind.
All was fine, 'til they realized that no one
whatsoever had got ANY emails during the whole week since they installed the software.
They checked through everything and couldn't find a problem... until one bright spark pointed out that all their email addresses, contained the word.... well, work it out for yourself.
These are funny, guys! I can just imagine the look on the girls' faces when they saw that mirror being cleaned with the toilet brush! Arnie, what a wonderful way to teach students in research about being careful with interpreting results!
Saddam Hussein is killed by a US cruise missile. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Saddam thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room: in it was the CEO of Enron and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
No!" Saddam said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room: in it was Martha Stewart with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. all she did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder.would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day! commented Saddam.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Saddam saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Saddam looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said . . .
"Okay, Monica, you're free to go."
Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in Milwaukee and trying
to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's
a Brewers fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are
Brewers fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you
raise your hand?"
Because I'm not a Brewers fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Brewers fan, then
who do you support?"
"I'm a Cubs fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Well Mary, might you explain why
are you a Cubs fan?"
"Because my Mom and Dad are from Chicago and my Mom is a Cubs fan and my dad
is a Cubs fan, so I'm a Cubs fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason
for you to be a Cubs fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of
the time. What if your Mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict
and a car thief, what would you be then?"
Mary said, "I'd be a White Sox fan."
There once a man who worked in a pickle factory. He had this very great and powerful desire to put his ***** in the pickle slicer. This went on for years, and finally he couldn't stand it. He decided that he had to do it.
The day he finally did it he arrived home from work at 11am. His wife was very worried and asked what happened. For the first time, he explained to her this long-time desire to put his ***** in the pickle slicer.
The man's wife gasped and ran over to him, yanked his pants and briefs down, and found his member perfectly intact.
"I don't understand," she exclaimed, "what happened to the pickle slicer?"
The man replied, "I think she got fired, too."
As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly without any reservations, you laid on my naked body... you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last nights events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you..............................
You f.........ing mosquito
An old woman was sitting on a park bench with her dog, and out pops a genie. The genie say to her i'll give you any three wishes that you would like. She thinks about this for a minute and, says to the genie, I would like to be young agian. POOF shes young again. Okay for my second wish she says I would like to be rich. POOF she became rich. Okay for my third wish i would like you to turn my dog into a handsome man for me to love and be with for the rest of my life, POOF her dog turns into a handsome man. The genie disappears. About a half an hour later the dog leans over to her and says "Now aren't you sad you had me NUETERED"
Sven & Olie, a couple of Norwegians now living in Minnesota, head for the fair in Duluth. The first thing to catch Sven's eye is the big double Ferris wheel.
"Oh, Ole," he says, "vould you look at dat. I've always vanted to go on von of dose big Ferris veels. Let's go ride on dat von." Ole, not being near as adventurous as Sven says, "Oh, I don't tink so. Dat looks kind of dangerous to me."
"Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go vit me on dat ride." Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so up they went. Ole had to admit after the ride that it was kind of fun.
After another 10 or 15 minutes they came to the roller coaster. "Oh Ole," says Sven, "Vould you look at dat. Dat's von fine looking roller coaster. I tink ve should go for a ride on dat."
"Oh, I don't tink so." says Ole. "Dat looks very dangerous to me." "Vell," says Sven. "You give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go vit me on dat roller coaster."
Again Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so they both went up on the roller coaster. Ole had to admit after the ride that it wasn't so bad. After another 10 minutes or so, they came to the bungee jump.
"Oofdah!" exclaimed Sven. "Vill you yust look at dat, Ole. Dose people yump off dat big tower vit nuttink but a rubber band tied to dare ankles. Dat looks like so much fun. Come on, let's go do it."
"Oh, I don't tink so," says Ole. "Dat's much too dangerous. Dis is vare I draw da line."
"Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go up on dat tower and yump off vit me."
"Ya, I give you a good reason," says Ole. "I came into dis vorld because of a broken rubber and, by jimminy, I'm not going to leave it da same vay."
A young man taking his first trip to northeastern U.S.A. was advised by friends to be sure to try a certain fish dish.
Getting into a taxi at his destination airport, he asked the driver, "Can you take me to where I can get SCROD?"
"Ya know," said the amiable driver, "I've heard that same question a thousand times, but this is the first time I ever heard it in the pluperfect subjunctive."
About 15 years ago a friend told Kallah and me that she, when she was a giggly 13-year old girl, had concocted that joke and sent it in to Playboy Magazine, where it was published in Playboy's Party Jokes (earning her a nice fee).
Recently, 40 years later, I've seen that joke in a Hallmark greeting card.
So what was Playboy material in the early 1960's is Hallmark material today. (sigh) Sic transit gloria mundi.
"When you care enough to give the very best ..."
BTW, here's a Lame Latin translation ==>
Sic transit gloria mundi = On the bus, on the first day after the weekend, Gloria threw up.
Sic transit gloria mundi
My car broke down, so I can't drive over and see you this weekend. How about a quick breakfast at the start of the workweek?
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and its the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and both sang.....
"Weeweechu a merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a merry Christmas,
and a happy New Year."
A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She has also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford! Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They have set up a hut, there is fruit on the trees, and they are in heaven. Cindy has fallen madly in love with our man, and they are making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he is looking kind of glum. "What is the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I am in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?" He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?" "Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. "Now would you put on my pants?" he asks. "Sure, honey, if it is really going to make you feel better," she Says. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little moustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does. Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few
... He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude!
You will never believe who I am sleeping with!"
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady says, "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising
position; the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says, "Oh I didn't know you had a prescription."
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farm house. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help? "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?"Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?" Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed."Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not.""Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
Here's a joke from duncecapjokes.com.
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
================================================ Here's an index to the jokes on this site. Most are fair to poor, but there are a few good ones. You can rate the jokes via an on-line rating system (1-10).
A little boy and a little girl, both about six, are playing in the sandbox. Unexpectedly, the little boy farted, causing a little sand between his legs to shift. She notices, and squeals with laughter, "How'd you do that," she asks. "Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted." "Can I try it," she asks? "Sure," he says, "anybody can do it." So she strains, and concentrates, and grunts. Suddenly, there's a terrible explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out. The little boy rolls up the hill, he finds himself upside down against a tree. He groggily gets to his feet, runs over to where the little girl is out cold flat on her back, spread eagle. He lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims, "Just what I thought, dual exhaust."
Emergency Room doctor to patient with stuck "BOB,"
"Did you want me to remove it, or just change the batteries?"
Funny! There is some thread cross-fertilization going on here!
How the Internet really began
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called: Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham.
And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.
It's making the rounds again, so maybe you've seen this already, but still it's charming:
An older woman has been pulled over for speeding...
Old lady: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were doing 60 in a 40-miles-an-hour zone.
Old lady: Oh. Really?
Officer: May I see your license, please?
Old lady: I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Old lady: Nope. They took it away. Four years ago. For reckless driving.
Officer: I see...let me see your vehicle registration papers, please.
Old lady: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Old lady: It's a stolen car.
Old lady: Yes, and I killed the owner and hacked his body into little pieces.
Officer: You what?
Old lady: The body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk, if you want to see.
The policeman looks at the woman and slowly backs away. returning to his patrol car, he radios for back-up. Within minutes four more police cruisers have arrived. A senior officer approaches slowly, clasping his half-drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle, please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Old lady: Is there a problem, sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you stole this car and murdered its owner.
Old lady: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes. Please open the trunk of your car.
The woman opens the trunk.
The trunk is empty.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Old lady: Yes. Would you like to see the registration?
The officer looks quite stunned.
Officer 2: He said you don't have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag, pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license and registration. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: I'm sorry, ma'am, but this officer told me that you don't have a license, you stole this vehicle, and you murdered the owner and hacked up his body.
Old lady: I'll bet he said I was speeding, too.
[This message was edited by haberdasher on Mon Jul 21st, 2003 at 4:04.]
Hilarious, haberdasher! I think I will try that next time I get stopped!
We had a friend who was stopped for speeding. The police officer wrote the wrong time on the ticket. Our friend took the ticket to the nearest police station and had someone document that, indeed, the wrong time had been written. When he went to court, he showed the judge the revised time on the ticket. Then he said, "I only have one question for the officer. Which is harder to read, a watch or a radar gun?" The judge interrupted with, "Case dismissed!"
A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence... and then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"
A couple of New Jersey hunters ..
No, they were Nigerians .....
... or Gooks ...
... or Blondes ...
... or Polacks ...
... or Rednecks ...
Oh, dear! I thought it sounded familiar!
No offense intended, Morgan.
It's still funny, no matter what characters comprise the cast.