A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire.
He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap.
After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, 'You wanna screwdriver?'
He says, 'We might as well. I can't get this hubcap off'
...... .and the bartender gets his drink, and someone says, "Nice Tie." The man looks around and sees nobody. Someone says, "Nice Shirt." The man asks the bartender, "Who said that?" The bartender replies, "It's the peanuts, they're complimentary."
and said "Ouch"...
Absolutely. Bars in England are made of solid timber. Now, had he walked into a pub...
Sorry about not including a translation for the benefit of the foreigners among us.
Try this ==> A bloke entered a pub ...
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John.
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
There are several versions of this old joke. This is the one I remember.
Tonto and the Lone Ranger are out in the woods one day, and the Lone Ranger goes behind a tree to take a leak. Just as he finishes a rattlesnake bites him on the end of his penis.
The Lone Ranger yells to Tonto, "Help, Tonto, a snake just bit me on the end of my dick. Run into town and find a doctor and ask him what to do."
Tonto runs into town and finds a doctor. "Help, doctor. Kemo Sabe has been bitten by a rattlesnake. What should I do? The doctor says, "You're going to have to suck the poison out and bandage the wound. First, make two little cuts in the shape of an x across the wound; then put your mouth over the wound, suck the poison out, spit, suck some more poison out, spit again, and so on. Keep this up for 15 minutes to make sure you get all the poison out."
"Thank you, doctor," says Tonto. He runs back to the woods where the Lone Ranger is waiting.
"Quick, Tonto," the Lone Ranger says, "what did the doctor say?"
"Doctor say you gonna die."
Here's another version. After you read the joke, keep reading until you come to the paragraph that begins with "Recently Saskatchewan ... ." I don't know if this is another joke or whether it's supposed to be true. Does anyone know?
Well, this page also carries the story (second paragraph).
This page also has the story buried halfway down:
The page is the Spring 1997 edition, so is pretty old.
It sounds like a story for the Urban Legends Reference Pages but I found nothing there. Their message board is closed for maintenance at the moment, so I couldn't post a question there, but if I remember I'll ask it later.
Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which had the greatest skill. The first began: "Three years ago, I reattached seven fingers on a pianist. He
went on to give a recital for the Queen of England."
The second replied: "That's nothing. I attended a man in a car accident. All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I reattached them, he won three gold medals for field events in the Olympics."
The third said: "A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on into a Santa Fe freight
train traveling at 100 miles per hour. All I had to work with was the horse's ass and a ten gallon hat. Two years ago, he became president of the
A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural New South Wales. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's paddock on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things up here in the Northern Rivers. We settle small disagreements like this with the Dorrigo Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Dorrigo Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly then the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot - now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Why Women are Cranky
We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankiest, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb. bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking,
jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30's to early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves. Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks... Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby.
Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.
When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle. "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years Madame?" "A penis," replied Madame deGaulle. A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Mon cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word,... 'appiness!'"
Love it, Ladybeth. Glad to see you posting again!
A chicken and an egg are sitting up in bed. The chicken is smoking and blowing smoke rings. The egg is thinking, "Well, that answers that question".
Your chicken-vs-egg joke looks like a cartoon snapshot, tinman.
In that same "genre,"
... A very large truck, bearing the "White-Out" logo, is being unloaded ...... at the Department of Corrections.
It is. I saw it on an office door in a building on the UDub (University of Washington) campus. I've since found it in word form on several sites, but not in picture form.
[This message was edited by tinman on Wed Aug 6th, 2003 at 22:19.]
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls
decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she
know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little
gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the
spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from
inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was
mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day,
at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave
early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
Very funny, Asa.
I especially like this one, as I know it will annoy Shufitz!
Wedding Made In Heaven
A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car!
BOOM! And they both died.
At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?" "Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."
So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, Come back in five years and ask me again."
And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!
Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...
Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that marriage was not what they were made for, and in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.
Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder.
God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! It took us ten years just to find a priest in heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"
Services were to start in just a few minutes, and everyone was seated in the pews and talking when Satan suddenly appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for an exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had fled from the Church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a single word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yes," was the calm reply.
"And yet you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in
the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he
bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of
the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to
him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to
take your temperature." After complaining for several
minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and
opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for
this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer. This
started another round of complaining, but eventually he
rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse
insert the he heard her announce, "I have to get
something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He
curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his
door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes
into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc?
Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature
taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a
carnation." And the moral of the story? Never tick off a
This joke was made famous by Wilfrid Hyde White (the patient) and Hattie Jaques (the matron) in one of the Carry-on films. (I think it was Carry on Nurse, but I'm not sure).
Like so many of the Carry-on jokes it relied on the visual, as well as the vocal, sense to provide its full effect.
The flower used, though, was a daffodil.
quote:And, I hope everyone here remembers that!
Perhaps some of you recall my story of the chemistry teacher who wouldn't give me the extra credit points because a football game could never have a "1 - 0" score? Well, in later years he was my patient. We had a big laugh, and, yes, he still remembered my indignation at not getting those extra credit points!
a football game could never have a "1 - 0" score?
Oh, really? I think REAL football can have such a score; it's just that goofy modified rugby that we US types call footbal that can't. Since I'm not a follower of such sport, I hope one of the Brits will confirm this, and if I'm right, then Kalleh, you get ahold of that turkey and set him straight!
I thought one-to-nothing was the score arbitrarily assigned to a forfeit. Or am I thinking of the wrong sport?
You are correct. Real football can have any score from 0-0 upwards.
A man was down on his luck and was going door to door looking for odd jobs. At one house he went to, a young woman answered the door. He asked if she had any work he could do. She replied, "I do have a porch in back that needs painting. You'll find some red paint in the shed, if you're interested. I'll pay you $20 when you're through."
The man agreed and went around back to begin work.
About an hour later he returned and told the woman he was finished. "My, that was fast," she remarked as she handed him the money. "Thank you, ma'am," he said, then added, "By the way, that ain't no porch; that's a Ferrari.
Funny, Tinman! Just be glad it wasn't a Rolls Royce.
Is REAL football soccer? Yes, Haberdasher, you are correct about the forfeit. I definitely could have gotten him on that. However, he may have worded the question to have excluded that since he was the football coach. It could have been: "If Saturday's game is played between Janesville and Beloit, what do you predict the score will be?"
I received this joke via e-mail:
Subject: AH, SWEET REVENGE
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home
...including the curtain rods.
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding.
Older lady: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older lady: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for wreckless driving.
Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older lady: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older lady: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within
minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his
half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle, please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older lady: Is there a problem, sir?
Officer 2: One of my senior officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the
Older lady: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older lady: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The
officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Thank you ma'am! One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car,
and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older lady: I bet he told you I was speeding, too.
Richard was bragging to his boss one day, "I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know him." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Richard how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Richard and his boss flew out to Hollywood and knocked on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouted, "Richard! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Richard's boss was still skeptical. After they left Cruise's house, he told Richard that he thought Richard's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Richard said. ''President Bush," his boss quickly retorted. "Yes," Richard said, "I know him.” His boss retorted if you can prove that you know him I'll fly us to Washington to see him."
And off they went. At the White House, Bush spotted Richard on the tour and
motioned him and his boss over, saying, "Richard, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss was very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they left the White House grounds, he expressed his doubts to Richard, who again implored him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replied. "Sure!" said Richard. "I've known the Pope a long time." The unconvinced boss flew them off to Rome.
Richard and his boss joined the assembled masses in Vatican Square when Richard said, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappeared into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Richard emerged with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Richard returned, he found that his boss has had a heart attack and was surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Richard asked him, "What happened?"
His boss looked up and said, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, '’Who's that on the balcony with Richard?’”
You're slipping, Asa. Haberdasher told that joke on July 21. Maybe we'll see it again on Sept. 21!
I don't think this one has made it around, yet.
This is the unhappy result of a very early event, recently discovered.
Last week, at a dig in the escarpments along the western shore of the Dead Sea, archeologists have uncovered ancient, original texts that pre-date Moses' writings by 1,300 years. Translated, their account of life's beginnings on earth are much more scientifically plausible ...
"... and God created Eve, giving her three breasts to succor her young. And God spoke, saying to her, "I have created thee as I see fit, but mine is no longer the only opinion in the universe (sigh). Is there anything about thee that thou wouldst prefer differently?"
And Eve spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters; I do not need but two breasts."
And God said, "Thou speaketh wisely, as I have created thee with wisdom. But what am I going do with the useless boob?"
And so it was, God created Man."
...HicEtUb posted this one on August 3!
I think this is one of the hazards of Board maturity -- we start to repeat ourselves. Fortunately a good joke can always stand retelling
I told the speeding-little-old-lady joke to a nun a few weeks ago...her comment, after laughing gently, was "Mother Superior will like that one!"
I read this soon after Dubya was elected, so it's a little dated-- but I'd never seen it before, and I thought it was pretty funny.
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90 year old man, (he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle,) a doctor and the old man were discussing Bush's health care reform ideas.
The old man said, "Well, ya know, old Bush is a post turtle".
So, not knowing what he meant the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.
And he said, "When your driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down."
That doesn't sound like a joke to me. That sounds like a sad, but very appropriate, metaphor. I would change the last sentence, though. I have no desire to "help the poor thing". (And, of course, "your" should be "you're".)
You're very right, and I have to admit I cut and pasted it. Of course, it's a poor workman that blames her wordpad.
OK, so we're repeating ourselves. I have a friend in prison (DON'T ask why!) who, upon attending his first lunch there, heard several inmates calling out numbers, and others began to laugh. He sked an old-timer next to him what it was all about. The lifer explained that many of them had been there solong that they'd memorized most of the jokes, and had assigned numbers to them. My friend set about memorizing all the numbers, and after several months, thought he'd give it a try. He called "102," and not even a giggle happened. "Sixty-seven!" he blurted, and just a few groans were to be heard. He then turned to the lifer and asked him what was wrong. Said he,"Well, kid, some folks just can't tell a joke."
Oh, well, not everybody got it.
Some people just don't undstand jokes.
...or else never read Douglas Adams?
Well, I have read most of his work, own the complete The Guide series in print, and have both watched the TV series, and have a copy of the radio series. Despite that, and despite the fondness for his work evinced in my choice of handle, I don't get the 46 reference either.
Maybe I'm thinking of 42? Isn't there a two-digit number that is supposed to be the Meaning of Life, or something equally universal? And originally it was thought to be 56, but that was a mistake? I will yield to your greater familiarity with the details; mine comes mostly second-hand from my kids...
Yep, it's 42 - "a nice number, the sort of number you could take home to meet your parents", said DNA. The Ultimate Question may have been "what do you get if multiply six-by-nine?", and some very geekish fans calculated that the answer to that question is 42 in base 13.
Which is where it all went wrong - obviously humanity is supposed to have 3 extra fingers...
Sorry, just call me a geekish HHGTTG fan...
Ros, if being a geekish HHGTTG fan is wrong? I don't want to be right!
And I'd like to add that Here Be Chickens, from DNA'S Last Chance to See is the best non-fiction comedy writing that I have ever read.
You're searching too deep. "Forty-six" meant joke number forty-six, in reference to Asa's post regarding the inmates who had reduced their jokes to numbers. The number has no significance to me. I just picked it out of thin air.
Just read this from a joke ng, thought you all might enjoy
At one point, the University of Minnesota's departments of mathematics and
mortuary science were housed in the same building; one ascended the
staircase and turned left for mathematics, and right for mortuary science.
One day, this clarification was posted on the sign at the top of the
It all depends on how well you tell it.
maxqnz, a belated welcome to the funny farm!
If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, (hey! it's the '90's!), he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If JFK Jr married Elton John he really would be John-John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage?
If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros- Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
This is my personal favorite:
If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin
Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short