Amsterdam was hosting a conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies retired to the bar for a drink.
As the waiter approaches, the president of Budweiser calls out, "I'all have the best beer in the world. Give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
Adolph Coors says, "Bring me a Coors, the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water."
"I'll have a Miller Genuine Draft," says the president of Miller.
Arthur Guinness down and says, "Give me a Coke, please." The other brewery presidents look over at him in amazement. "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" "I'd love to," says Mr. Guinness, "but I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
Gee Hic, that joke seems vaguely familiar!
[This message was edited by Morgan on Sat Mar 29th, 2003 at 19:21.]
A certain physician stopped in Dick's Bar every evening for his Almond Daiquiri.
One day, having depleted his stock of almonds, the bartender substituted a hickory nut.
The physician took one sip of the drink, looked puzzled, and asked, "Is this an Almond Daiquiri, Dick?"
"No, that's a Hickory Daiquiri, Doc."
And actually older than would seem since its origins go back to the early days of brewing in England.
Sam Smith and John Smith were attending their friend Joshua Tetley's funeral and, being early, decided to pop in for a pint. As it happens there were two pubs opposite one another - a John Smith's house and a Sam Smith's house*.
So Sam said to John, I'll tell you what, we'll go into your pub. So they went in and ordered two pints of John Smith's.
And John said to Sam, "You know, that's really very good of you - to come and drink in one of my pubs, our having been rivals for so long"
And Sam replied, "Well, John. It wouldn't do to go to our old friend's funeral smelling of beer, would it?"
*Americans might not understand the UK "tied house" system. Suffice it to say that it is the system that allows brewers to own their own pubs. There is a good summary about UK beer, and the tied house system, at http://www.allaboutbeer.com/features/aletrail.html
Life in the tropics does have some prices. One of those is that the coconut palms constantly shed their "branches," and for the person standing nearby it can be frightening.
A man who was suffering from constipation had exhausted his physician's arsenal of remedies, both medicinal and physical.
The disgruntled patient was walking near a coconut tree when it happened. Literally, it scared the shit out of him.
What did he say?
With fronds like these, who needs enemas?!!
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.
THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN...
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to raise a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough (if tied to a paint can), to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
11. Play-Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic!
In dealing with those 'special' customers we all love, an award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."
A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says, "This Bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign that says, "This Bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife hits her husband and says, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign saying, "This Bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife gets really excited and says, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looks at her and says, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."
After nine surgeries and six years of therapy, the husband is now able to talk. It is hoped that someday he will walk again.
Next time your application for a job is rejected...
Dear [Interviewer's Name]:
Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview]. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Mary had a little skirt
Split right up the sides,
And every time she wore that skirt
The boys could see her thighs.
She also had another skirt
Split right up the front
But she never wore that one.
The Dayton Daily News published the winning entries in the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition. 1st place in Humor category went to Leigh Anne Jasheway of Eugene, Oregon.
"The First Time's Always the Worst"
The first mammogram is the worst. Especially when the machine catches on fire. That's what happened to me. The technician, Gail, positioned me exactly as she wanted me (think a really complicated game of Twister - right hand on the blue, left shoulder on the yellow, right breast as far away as humanly possible from the rest of your body). Then she clamped the machine down so tight, I think my breast actually turned inside out. I'm pretty sure Victoria's Secret doesn't have a bra for that.
Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise. I looked down at my right breast to make sure it hadn't exploded. Nope, it was still flat as a pancake and still attached to my body.
"Oh no!" Gail said loudly. These are perhaps, the words you least want to hear from any health professional. Suddenly, she came flying past me, her lab coat whipping behind her, on her way out the door. She yelled over her shoulder, "The machine's on fire, I'm going to get help!"
OK, I was wrong, 'The machine's on fire,' are the worst words you can hear from a health professional. Especially if you're all alone and semi-permanently attached to A MACHINE and don't know if it's THE MACHINE in question.
I struggled for a few seconds trying to get free, but even Houdini couldn't have escaped. I decided to go to plan B: yelling at the top of my lung (the one that was still working).
I hadn't seen anything on fire, so my panic hadn't quite reached epic proportions. But then I started to smell smoke coming from behind the partition. "This is ridiculous," I thought. I can't die like this. What would they put in my obituary? Cause of death: breast entrapment?
I may have inhaled some fumes because I started to hallucinate. An imaginary fireman rushed in with a firehose and a hatchet. "Howdy, ma'am," he said. "What's happened here?" he asked, averting his eyes.
"My breasts were too hot for the machine," I quipped, as my imaginary fireman ran out of the room again. "This is gonna take the Jaws of Life!"
In reality, Gail returned with a fire extinguisher and put out the fire. She gave me a big smile and released me from the machine. "Sorry! That's the first time that's ever happened. Why don't you take a few minutes to relax before we finish up?"
I think that's what she said. I was running across the parking lot in my backless paper gown at the time. After I'd relaxed for a few years, I figured I might go back. But I was bringing my own fire extinguisher.
quote:Impressive, but can it beat this one (which may or may not be true)?
Secretary of State Colin Powell handled shifty question recently hurled at him by an Iraqi reporter, who asked Powell, "Isn't it true that only 13 percent of young Americans can locate Iraq on a map?"
"That may be true," Powell countered. "You're probably right. But unfortunately for you, all 13 percent are Marines."
13% of young Americans are Marines?
That is some standing army you have!
An old man, Mr. Cleveland, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Lucy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Lucy," said Mr. Cleveland, "my pen*s died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied,
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Cleveland, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Cleveland was walking down the hall with his pen*s hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Lucy.
"Mr. Cleveland," she said, "you shouldn't be walking down the hall like this. Please put your pen*s back inside your pajamas."
"But, Nurse Lucy," replied Mr. Cleveland, "I told you yesterday that my pen*s died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Lucy.
"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."
EDIT NOTES: Edited for Bob Hale's Cyberninny.
[This message was edited by Sarah on Mon Jul 21st, 2003 at 11:59.]
This one is apparently based on an actual event involving President Coolidge, his wife, and a large collection of chickens and one particular stud rooster (if there is such a term).
It had long been observed by farmers and breeders in general that one male could mate, say, a dozen times with a dozen different females more easily than he could perform 12 times with just one individual female. (And, speaking from personal experience, I can vouch for this as well.) This used to be known as the "Novelty Effect" but once the story of the President and First Lady made the rounds, this phenomenon was renamed the "Coolidge Effect."
That and the fact that he was never overly-chatty are pretty much his legacy. Odd...
VADA VE GONNA DO ???
Voolvorth store, I got complaint
About one can of ten-cent paint
My vife, she buy in your damn store
an now, by crype, I plenty sore !!
You see, last veek the spring she come
an everything vas on the hum.
Der walls und floor, der vindows too,
she's dirty like hell I'm tella you.
My vife, she's clean an mighty neat
so she buy paint for toilet seat.
An one whole veek ve vatch vith eye,
but got damn paint she no get dry.
I say to vife, it serve you right!
to try to be so money tight.
Dat ten-cent paint, she no damn good
she vont get dry on dat damn wood.
My daughter, she get ring around
vhen on toilet seat she sit down.
For one hole veek ve stand and vait
und now we all got contispate.
Voolworth, we know not vhat to do !
You got to eat, und some go through.
When pains come on, I almost faint
und squirm and cuss dot got damn paint
My vife got sister named Marie
she live all time in house with me.
You know how sex raise lovely head
I sneak sometimes in Marie's bed.
Last night, I look where she sit down
und there she got the ring around.
Und now from dat hot tailed Marie
I got white ring on front of me.
I try to vipe vith turpentine,
I howl like volf, und lose my mind.
I'm scared to death both night und day,
from vife there vill be hell to pay.
Now Mr. Voolworth, I aksa you
just vhat der hell ve gonna do ??
How can our home be nice and neat,
if your %@#$* paint no dry on toilet seat.
[This message was edited by LadyBeth on Wed Apr 9th, 2003 at 4:30.]
It's my first time. As I lie back, my muscles tighten. I put him off for awhile, searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches me. He asks if I'm afraid and I shake my head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and I shiver. My body tenses. But, he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deep within my eyes and tells me to trust him. He's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes me and I open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
I begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause me as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, I feel the tissue give way. Pain surges throughout my body and I feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at me concerned, and asks me if it's too painful. My eyes are filled with tears but I shake my head and ask him to continue.
He begins moving in and out with skill, but I am now too numb to feel him within me. After a few frenzied moments, I feel something bursting within me and he pulls it out of me.
I lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at me with a warm smile and tells me, with a chuckle, that I have been his most stubborn ,yet most rewarding experience.
I smile and thank my dentist. After all, it was my first time having a tooth pulled!
The Baptist minister had been summoned to the bedside of a Presbyterian woman who was quite ill.
As he went up the walk, he met the little daughter of the woman and said to her, "I'm very glad your mother remembered me in her illness. Is your minister out of town?"
"No," answered the child. "He's at home, but we thought it might be something contagious, and we didn't want to expose him to it."
After Sex Comments by Sun Sign:
Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"
Lady Beth's story about the mammogram reminded me of this poem someone sent me.
THE BOOB POEM
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within its vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.
And this story never fails to make me chuckle:
After years of frustration, the Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and
said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh...equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? ... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click...
(sounds of clip being ejected and fresh clip installed)
Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"
Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Daughter: "Nice grouping Daddy!"
Dear Mom and Dad,
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been promising writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but, before you read on, please sit down.
YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN OKAY!
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and, since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.
He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am having daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious.
Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat different than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do.
His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any color) in my life.
However, I got a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science, and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective. Things could be worse...
Your Loving Daughter,
This isn't a joke, but I didn't know where else to put it....and I loved it. I received this today in an e-mail from a friend:
"NPR had this interesting sidebar on the death of John Paul Getty II:
After what he later admitted was a misspent youth, the son of the oil scion moved to England and became an Anglophile. He was knighted for his philanthropy, notably in support of the arts--and of the singularly English sport of cricket.
Getty knew nothing of cricket when he first moved to England some 30 years ago. He became a fan through his then neighbor who became a close friend. When this man visited Getty, he would watch cricket on TV incessantly. Getty gradually became interested, and his new friend taught him more about the game. The two often teamed up to play; Getty said later in life that he never did figure out how such a huge bat could miss a ball so often.
In any event, Getty became a huge fan and benefactor of cricket. As for the neighbor who taught him all about it, he pursued other interests.
The neighbor was Mick Jagger."
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St.
Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer
one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in
November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."
"Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second
blonde the same question. "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December
when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the
birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust
and tells her she's wrong. He then peers over his clipboard at
the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the
eyes. "I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday
that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus
and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was
later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his
disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in
the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross
with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave
which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "And every year the boulder is moved
aside so that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow,
there will be six more weeks of winter."
State Trooper in an unmarked car pulls over an electron, leans into the window and growls, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
The electron looks up and says tentatively, "No, Sir, but I know where I am!"
(Sorry 'bout that!)
Oh my god!
Haberdasher, do you have any more of these, for a thread of obscure science jokes?
[This message was edited by wordnerd on Tue Apr 22nd, 2003 at 19:19.]
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, but instead she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours! He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours, but instead she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God!" exclaimed the first doctor. "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in Southern Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish."
"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" Said the Cajun.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
I'm NOT Haberdasher, but....
There was a young fellow named Bright
Who could travel much faster than light.
He went out one day
In a relative way
And got back the previous night!
Sometimes you will cry
and no one will see your tears...
Sometimes you will laugh
and no one will see you smile...
Sometimes you will fear
and no one will see you shudder...
Sometimes you will fall
and no one sees you struggle...
Sometimes you will lie
and no one will catch you...
Sometimes you will be late
and no one seems to notice...
But fart just one time
In a crowded elevator................
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning! "He slams the door and returns to bed."Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he
answers."Did you help him?" she asks."No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring
out!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember aboutthree months ago
when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" I think you should help him, and be ashamed of
your self!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the faint answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" says the husband. The drunk replies, "Over here on the swing!"
I'm afraid it's going to be hard to follow the electron; that's an elegant one. I'll look around, though. Some may require a little cut-and-pasting.
A lonely hydrogen ion sees a helium atom and walks up to him and scolds,
"Hey, you shouldn't practice polygomy on those poor electrons, it's not
attractive you know?" And the helium atom laughs and says, "Well, at least
i get to keep them!"
A young fencing master called Fisk
had movements incredibly brisk.
So fast was his action
the Fitzgerald contraction
foreshortened his foil to a disc!
Not mine, but I wish it were!
We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.
We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.
Sined by the blonds at the ofise (sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake)
Is this stupidity or simply illiteracy?
Or perhaps one of those things CJ is always going on about - a "joke" ? Whatever that is.
Non curo ! Si metrum no habet, non est poema.
Read all about my travels around the world here.
Read even more of my travel writing and poems on my weblog.
Is this stupidity or simply illiteracy?
I say they're plenty smart! Those blondes knew that Juj Thomas was a member of The Supremes, and if they stand on a moving platform with their pinsuls while they sine, they'll crate a sine wave, so they can partissapate in the syunce jokes.
This joke has been around since at least October 7, 1998. I put in a search for "Juj Thomas" and came up with 349 hits. The first 45 were this joke.
"Why did the chicken cross the road?" I just received an email with various answers to this age-old question. You can find many more on the internet, but here's the ones I received.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring
greater services to the American people.
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.
MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
It was an historical inevitability.
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook, and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
I missed one?
Mahatma Gandhi, as you probably know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Because of his vegetarian diet, he also suffered from bad breath.
All of this made him... what?
A super callused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
A famous painter received a lucrative commission by the Montana legislature some time ago to create a giant painting for the new state office building. The theme was to be Custer's Last Stand, and the commissioners insisted that the painter be absolutely correct historically and politically. When the painter asked for more information as to just what the state wanted, he received little help. In fact, all the commissioners would say to the painter was that it might be a good idea to create the painting around Custer's last ideas or words about what he saw.
The painter pondered the problem for a short time, put himself in Custer's shoes, and developed his grand idea. He insisted, however, that he be given not only great freedom but also the ability to work in total privacy. His wanted his work to be accurate and a surprise and he was a bit concerned that not all would appreciate his conception. After several months, the painting was completed. At a formal ceremony, a large crowd gathered before the giant veiled painting in eager anticipation. The governor, himself, pulled the cord, and as the drapery fell from the painting, there was a loud gasp from the audience. There before them was a massive panorama of the treeless hills of the Little Big Horn. And there was Custer and a few of his men staring in awe at hundreds of Indians all around them in the act of making love.
The governor was utterly shocked, and he rushed to the artist demanding to know what the artist had in mind. The artist replied that he had been told to capture on canvas the last thoughts of Custer. And after thinking about it, it came to him in a flash. Surely, among the last things Custer was likely to have thought and said, based on what he saw around him, was, "Look at all them f**king Indians!"
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant staff, the pilot said: "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and I'll be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business, as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, And pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, choose your favorite."
"The weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than our Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore, and take them with our compliments."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
On Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, the flight attendant came on the intercom and said: "That was quite a bump, and I know what ya'll are thinking. You're thinking that I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault ... it was the asphalt!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required him to stand at the door, smile, and give the passengers a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline," while they exited. In light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said: "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and, after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach was heard to reply: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Last weekend I visited one of my favorite used-book stores, Half-Price Books.I found (and bought) Pissing in the snow and other Ozark folktales by Vance Randolph, published by
the University of Illinois Press, Illini Book edition, 1986 (originally published in 1976).
As you can guess from the title, some of the selections are pretty ribald and contain coarse language. I found them funny, though, and perhaps you will, too. If you want to check them out, click here or here. The first site has a link to the Glossary of Sexual and Scatological Euphemisms .
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
EDIT NOTE: Changed to Brunette per Kalleh's fabulous request!
[This message was edited by Morgan on Sat May 10th, 2003 at 20:10.]
Funny, Morgan. But, since we are both blonde (and I believe TrossL is as well), lets change it to brunettes!
When my kids were growing up we had occasional conversations about what makes things funny and when it's appropriate to tell one kind of joke or another. One subject for discussion was "ethnic jokes" (of which blonde jokes are a subgroup, though perhaps not ethnic). You will note that the group designation had absolutely nothing whatever to contribute to the supposed humor of the piece; you changed blonde to brunette (and it could have been Polish or Italian or moron if that's what you wanted) without altering it one iota.
We finally settled on "NPES jokes" (pronounced "EN-pees") which was in-group shorthand for "Negatively Perceived Ethnic Stereotype." Now the insults were targetless, and we could tell all the jokes we wanted without offending anybody, supposedly.
[This message was edited by haberdasher on Sun May 11th, 2003 at 10:23.]
I hope everyone here realizes that I wasn't the least bit offended by the blonde jokes; after all, quite confidentially (a good double dactyl line? ), I am a brunette in disguise!